Sara1986
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/10
Posts: 3
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Hi, I'll get straight to the point. I met a guy who was 4 months away from deployment and we became involved. He has been separated for many years and he says that both he and the wife want the divorce, they just haven't gotten around to it yet. He gets paid more money to be married, esp on a deployment. Now that he'd deployed, his contact with me is very brief, almost like I'm a buddy and not a gf. I'm assuming that he doesn't want to lose the marital pay he gets because of me. I'm trying to be undestanding, as he says it would break his heart for me to leave him. I won't see him again until Nov 2010. He swears we'll be together when he comes back. What usually happens in these situations? If he doesn't pursue a legal separation/divorce promptly, I will break up with him, because I don't want to be an adulterer. How patient and or loving should I be, esp considering the type of and lack of communication we are now having.
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Redlegg
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Reged: 10/05/06
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As patient as you are willing to be, if you reach the point where you are not, end it. You need to do what works for you.
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english7
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Reged: 11/27/09
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Sara, I would be very careful of this relationship. Are you 100% certain he is telling you the truth? My STBX told his girlfriend the same thing--well actually he told her we were divorced.
I hope it works out much better for you, but be careful!
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BeachBabeRN
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Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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This is NOT the same story you told in the Cohabitation Forum -- I would recommend that before anyone posts an answer, they go read that one also.
Honey, your boyfriend is MARRIED. And if you think that it's going to amount to ANYTHING, you're a FOOL.
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english7
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BB, I just read Sara's post in Cohabitation. How is this one different? What did I not get?
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Sara1986
recently joined
Reged: 01/11/10
Posts: 3
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This is the same story, I just didn't go into as much detail with the military situation in the cohabitation forum. Before he left for his deployment, he made me feel like we were a real couple, to the point where I was overlooking the "my divorce isn't final" part, actually, the divorce hasn't begun. Rt now he's serving overseas until Nov 2010, but before he left, said he wanted to get a place together and live together while he proceeds to get a divorce. Now that he's away, I have a lot of time to think about this and while I can see things clearly, I still feel brokenhearted that this will be a dead end relationship. Thanks for your support, guys.
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Redlegg
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They do sound different, one is seperated for a long time, and the other is working on getting a legal seperation. I can understand why they look different, but they could be the same as in some places legally seperated is not the same as seperated. he could have been seperated for a long time, but not legally seperated. Who knows. I do not think the advice would change. If he wants to be with you he should just get the divorce. He may be getting more money for being married, but he will probably lose that when goes after his retirmement for the length of the marriage, when they divorce.
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english7
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If you say so, Redlegg. Sounds pretty much the same to me, but maybe I have a reading comprehension problem. I agree, however, that the adivce would not change much no matter the interpretation.
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Redlegg
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It is not if I say so. It is just one way to look at it. In some states there are legal separations, and in some there aren't. In the states where there are legal separations, living apart is separated, but not legally seperated. So the whole reading comprehension thing. Save it for someone else. You read just fine. I am not even saying what it is, or what it is not, only what it could be seen as, by more than one person.
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1004SRS
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Reged: 12/11/06
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He's married. He's leading you on to make himself feel good. Drop him and move on.
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english7
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Ahh! I'm gonna try once more. In both posts, she mentions this guy is NOT legally separated, so I don't see a difference yet. In Cohabitaion, she writes, "my bf is separated, although not legally" and in this one she writes that she wants him to "pursue a legal separation/divorce." I guess the words "although not legally" jump out more than "legal separation/divorce."
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Redlegg
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Well, thank you for trying, your consideration, dedication, tenacity and determination is noted.
"Hi, I'll get straight to the point. I met a guy who was 4 months away from deployment and we became involved. He has been separated for many years and he says that both he and the wife want the divorce, they just haven't gotten around to it yet."
To narrow it down even more
"He has been separated for many years and he says that both he and the wife want the divorce, they just haven't gotten around to it yet."
That can mean different things in different states, I am not saying they are different, I am not saying they are not different. All I am saying is that can mean one thing, in someplaces, and one thing in others. When you describe it two different ways, it can give two different impressions. I have no doubt about your reading abilities, the only question is why do you think everyone reads it the same way as you do? You want to be a cerebral assasin, do it to someone else. The only thing I did was try to show how it can be read two different ways, trying to give the OP the benefit of the doubt.
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
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Actually legal separation etc. varies by state. In one state once you have gone 30 days without marital relations you can, even if under the same roof, be considered "separated" for purposes of adultery and waiting eriod for a divorce.
I really think the validity of the separation is irrelevant though. If he really cared about her - he would move heaven and earth to not be increasing the amount of his future earnings he will be sharing with his STBX while being with his "love" sara. Because every day he is still "technically" married is another that counts as far as HER share of his retirement and the length of alimony she may get. And he is taking from Sara and handing it to his STBX. And he doesn't seem to care. Sara - YOU should care that he is that selfish towards you. And move on.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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english7
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"Because every day he is still "technically" married is another that counts as far as HER share of his retirement and the length of alimony she may get."
Yes, I thought about this.
It seems to me this guy is really good at romancing a woman out of her wits. I hope you end it, Sara.
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Redlegg
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The only thing I was saying was give the OP and beachbabern the benenfit of the doubt because the laws and definitions are different in different states. Seperation, legal seperation, there are a whole lot of differences in many places. When beachbabe said they are not the same story, I read the other post and saw how they could be seen as different, but that doesn't mean they are different. Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt to beachbabe, and to the OP.
I was not commenting on what the OP should do, at all.
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elliesmom
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Mine was more of a general reply - not really directed at anyone....
And I will add as a military wife - there are ALOT of instances - like when a guy is sent somewhere for 4 months before deploying, that spouses agree its best for the nonmilitary spouse to go home and stay with family or at least not accompany the military member. And those guys wives? DO NOT believe they are "separated." Usually its about money. BAH is higher in locale A so wife stays behind so they can get the extra money. No sense in moving for a predeployment 4 month training. Military won't pay for it. Nice that this a-hole has used the opportunity to pick someone up. Or maybe not, maybe he IS really separated. But sara - YOU don't know. And unless you'd like to be married to this guy and find out when it happens to you - I'd hustle as far away as I could get from this loser.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Redlegg
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I am sorry, but any member who would consider themselves seperated under those circumstances is abotu as slimy as a member saying, well since I am getting family seperation pay, I am seperated :)
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1004SRS
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Reged: 12/11/06
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Yeah - I was once a young single military girl. I heard that line many times (lol) from the guys living in the dorms with me.
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secondwife37
recently joined
Reged: 01/21/10
Posts: 19
Loc: From CT living in NC
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everyone needs to respond a lot nicer than I have read here.
My advice is remove yourself from the relationship until he is legally separated or divorced and you see the papaerwork. Otherwise leave and find someone with NO baggage. I am married to a great guy but his baggage is DRAMA and it can be really difficult a lot of the time.
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Animals.....are my favorite people
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christine1
addict
Reged: 04/21/08
Posts: 439
Loc: Ma
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Run now! My ex did the same thing with the woman he met. Told her we were seperated, etc. It was all a big lie. Please save yourself even more heartache and get out of it now!
Christine
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Kingseven7
recently joined
Reged: 01/31/10
Posts: 3
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to be honest ...there is different situations i am separated from my wife as on 4 months ..she cheated on me and now that she is deployed it makes the paper work and what not super hard to get done esp with her being in afghan and me going in 4 months ..each situation is different but i know if i was in a relationship i would want someone to understand this and trust me
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tomthebarncat
recently joined
Reged: 02/01/10
Posts: 3
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My suggestions is to let it go, as he will probably move on and find true love in the desert. The loser I am married to just abandoned me in Germany!!! I just wish he were dead! the insurance money would come in handy!
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pokey
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 1786
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I say if he's married then leave him alone. You only have four months invested in this relationship. FOUR MONTHS!! And now you wont see him again for almost a year. Let him go. The reason he keeps his calls short is he's probably sitting eating dinner WITH HIS WIFE. Keep in mind this is HER husband, not YOUR boyfriend.
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I have to go to work. Too many people on welfare depend on me.
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