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mommaof4
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Reged: 01/13/10
Posts: 7
Getting divorced after 11 years....
      #621452 - 01/13/10 09:57 PM

Hi,

Just happened across this site tonight. I'm 28 and my husband is 32. We've been together 11 years, married a little more than 9 of those. I was only 17 when we moved in together. We have 4 children....great children.

The day after Thanksgiving, my husband came to me and OUT OF NOWHERE, said he wanted a divorce. He did do this in front of our kids...needless to say they older kids were very upset, as was I. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, my whole life was over, and I didn't know how or why. It took 2 weeks, me begging him to go to therapy with me, work on things, 'don't just throw everything away without trying' was my mantra. I finally looked at his cell phone one morning...found text messages from another woman. Come to find out that he had a 2nd cell phone as well, it was just luck that I found these on his work phone (mind you, I NEVER check his phone, I have TRUSTED him so completely all these years, but I just couldn't figure any of this out, so I looked). He also had a second email address, a secret facebook account, a meeting place all set up for them....she is ALSO married with 2 kids. He admitted that morning that it had been going on for quite awhile. He as happy to leave, and moved in with his girlfriend and her mother (I know this gets wierd).

I called her husband, and so she left her husband and moved in with her mom...hence then the nice mother she has(ugh) invited my husband to live there too. There is SO much more, and I don't want to scare anyone away with a too long of a story.

I'm a mess. I filed for divorce and he was served on Christmas Eve, but he STILL hasn't responded. Yes he has a lawyer. He has been officialy gone since Dec.10th. Has only given me $300 of child support(that's what he wrote in the memo of the check). we have 4 kids, mortgage, bills, need groceries!!! I make a $10/hr, and am not guaranteed 40 hrs a week....it gets better too. He just got fired...so while he HAD money to help me he wasn't. Now he has NO job, so he's definitely not going to help.

How does a person do this? How can he have an affair, 'not feel upset about it', move in with the married girlfriend(who has left her husband and kids), and then not AT ALL financially help? Does he really think he can just totally forget we exist? And how can he just STOP loving me...that hurts so much

Hope this wasn't too long, I'm sorry!

S


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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: mommaof4]
      #621600 - 01/14/10 08:21 AM

Very similar to what I'm going through right now. You have a tough road ahead for a bit, but it'll get better.

My husband and I were married 9, together 12. We have one child. However, I left him due to many issues. He's not paid ONE cent and won't until court ordered, even if he does then. I know the insurance provided by his company will end upon divorce...we go to court Tuesday. But I've already made arrangements before that happens. Luckily, he hasn't gotten fired yet. Surprising since he keeps skipping work, when he claimed before he couldn't even take time off to go pick up his son. I make better money, and only have the one child, but its still difficult. When you go from 2 incomes to 1, it will become difficult, no matter how much you make. There is all kinds of help out there for you though...4 kids, $10/hr. Have you signed up for assistance? You can get assistance with groceries, utilities, housing, etc. Call DHHR. They will MAKE him pay something towards his kids, job or no job, new woman or no new woman.

I left September 21. We're going to court for a temp hearing on January 19. He didn't even get my name off the utilities until the first of December, has been late making the mortgage payment for the house he lives in with my name on it the last 3 or 4 months now. They tried serving him 3 times. When we discovered who his lawyer was, we served him through her. It takes time, but in the end, it all comes around.

--------------------
Char Fox


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mommaof4
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Reged: 01/13/10
Posts: 7
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: almostheaven]
      #622056 - 01/14/10 04:26 PM

The financial part of all of this is the SCARIEST part. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I get very overwhelmed if I look ahead. so, I have been trying not to very much.

The future is scary when I look ahead and don't see him there with me, I'm sure that will pass. But it's still there lingering.

I haven't signed up for anything yet. BUT we have utilized the local food pantry. We just moved here in August, and to a BIGGER more EXPENSIVE house, because we wanted more children. So eventually this house will have to be sold, I can't afford the mortgage payments on my own. If he was so unhappy, why in the world did we buy this house and move here?!! This is all so crazy.

My lawyer finally said they are going to make the court date with out the responses, because i need some temporary orders for support to help me and the kids...& rumor has it that he IS working but for cash. He is such a different man, just insane....

S


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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: mommaof4]
      #622295 - 01/15/10 07:30 AM

>>>>If he was so unhappy, why in the world did we buy this house and move here?!!

Probably because he was searching for happiness...thought a bigger house and family might bring it to him. I tried similar. I threw myself into our home when we bought it, fixing it up. We bought one that needed some work and I did the work. Painting, sanding, staining, sawing and putting up new baseboards, laying down new walkway stones, even put up a small fence with a neighbor's help. As long as I kept busy, I didn't have to focus on what was wrong.

Now I have this really nice home that I worked hard to build the way I wanted it, and...I walked out. He's living there, late with the payments. But in the end, he's not making me crazy anymore.

>>>>>The future is scary when I look ahead and don't see him there with me, I'm sure that will pass. But it's still there lingering.

Yes it will. Think back to when you first got together. It was strange and new. But you grew into a relationship, got used to each others habits, became more comfortable as time went on. You'll get more comfortable without him the same way...as time goes on.

>>>>>I haven't signed up for anything yet.

Do it NOW. Don't wait until you get to the point where you need the help "last month". Sign up now and start getting the help you need. You're separated and based on your income and 4 kids in your custody, you qualify for just about anything. You might even help yourself and the kids by taking all the help you can get and getting back to school. It will be rough for a bit, but think of how it will be once you get a degree.

--------------------
Char Fox


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Dogone
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Reged: 01/15/10
Posts: 15
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: almostheaven]
      #622309 - 01/15/10 07:52 AM

income loss is devastating. i agree, sign up for everything and anything you can get. you can always decide what you need and when later. but at least you'll have something.

i think homes financed through banks typically allow 12months before bankruptcy/foreclosure.

when i went through mediation i had read many articles. my impresison was you can never count on someone else to pay, even if ordered by the Judge. and this turned out to be true. i was to be recieiving cCS and it never happened, then the sleaze bag just went to court to ask for a time to not pay, adn the judge allowed a extension! even though none had even been paid yet?

anyway. during mediation its better to get a lump sum and be done, because most CS and Alimony never happen and my lawyer said even if you are awarded most never get it, without several court trials, money $$$$$ spent on court, and the spouse can always skip a month and file for more time to pay, or difficulty hearings etc..

Get the 401K, the nest egg, the equity, get cash and or possesions you can sell.


If he was so unhappy, why in the world did we buy this house and move here?!! This is all so crazy.

--This probably happens so often. Material happiness, turns into a monster, debt=depression, took on too much too soon...so he ran away from it. Many go to another women, or a bottle of booze, or drugs.
Its real common around Dallas, I hear so many stories of it.
They call them the "$30K a year Millionaires". Living beyond their means, fake happiness based off material things paid for with 33% credit cards and leased luxury cars.

Good Luck, I agree with almostheaven sign up for everything, maybe talk to the bank for help on the house.


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Sharonlynn
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Reged: 12/31/09
Posts: 18
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: Dogone]
      #623917 - 01/18/10 06:42 PM

I am so sorry this has happened to you. We all know that the worst thing in any marriage is betrayal. All of us have had some level of it, otherwise we would not be here.

Here is what I have found works for me. I make the list of the givens --- the things I cannot change. Those things will apply to him mostly. Do not second guess yourself. Those things are: He does not love you anymore. He has another woman. He lost his job.

Now here are the things that are wonderful: You are only 28 years old. You have four wonderful healthy children. The courts will force him to pay child support. To say he won't help is laughable because the courts will force him to pay child support. Unless he is missing all four limbs and is so mentally deficient, he will have to pay. Another upside is that he is not bogged down with any financial responsibilities (other than to you and the kids) because he is living with his girlfriend and her mother.

I know you feel miserably betrayed and you have been. Here is the upside, if you can even see the upside. The old adage "if they do it with you they will do it to you" will come to fruition and his girlfriend will feel the sting when he does this to her, and he will.

Cry your tears, feel your grief and find the ways to make a great home for you and your kids. Get an attorney (no easy thing to do) and move forward with the divorce proceedings. You are very young and have a long life ahead of you and can turn this around.

Sharonlynn


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mommaof4
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Reged: 01/13/10
Posts: 7
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: Sharonlynn]
      #623997 - 01/18/10 10:44 PM

So many good ideas here, thank you! I never really looked at the bigger house situation as the points some of you have made....I'm sure it must have added stress for him. I know it did me! But he never admited to me...

My children are so precious to me, and seeing them hurt...well, i think that hurts me more then how he hurt ME. As their mom, I some how want to sheild them and protect them. But...what am I protecting them from, their father? it seems ridiculous that he has changed THAT much. but he really has.

I did sign the kids up for reduced lunch at school & got the paperwork back that we were approved for FREE lunch/breakfast!!! That was a HUGE relief! Now I only have to focus on dinner every night, and we've been using the food pantry. I did call the local public aid office and they gave me a list of paperwork etc, to get together to come in. So, I'm working on that.

My lawyer said they are going to call tomorrow with a court date for the emergency/temporary support order. If that could go thru soon, I think it would ease the burden of bills/house payments. But I realize that those things take time to actually go thru the system. I did offically find out he IS working and where,so I told my lawyer all the info today...they said they'll track it down!

I have good days and bad days...and some reallly really bad days. I try to find something everyday that was positive, which can be hard, but I still try. That way when I look back at each day, I try to remember what was good that day, even if it was a rotten day.

Thank you all SO SO SO much for all the advice & words of encouragement. You couldn't imagine how much better I feel when I am on here reading notes from people or just other peoples stories. I don't feel so alone...

S


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aprilellen7766
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Reged: 01/25/10
Posts: 7
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: mommaof4]
      #626079 - 01/25/10 06:14 AM

I am so sorry for you I was married for 17 years he was with usfor 10 before he wentover seas to "work" (screw around)He wanted me a stay ay home mom from the time we were first married I put so much trust in him even though he didnt deserve it (he lied all the time)on mothers day 2 years ago he sent me a dear john email telling me he has someone new and she is pregnant and that she wasnt the first that there were several but now he has to do the right thing and divorce me and marry her so his child isnt fatherless (he has 3 boys from his first marrage and 2 with me)even though he has basically not been a father to any of his children the signs were all there for me to see but i thought he was misunderstood boy what a fool I was I asked him why and he put all the blame on me (as if I picked up the woman and made him have sex with her)I know I am not perfect and I made mistakes (didnt know I was suffering from depression and needed help)but I never and would never hurt someone so bad as to cheat on them.
He lost his job in June hasnt paid anything to now (end of January)except he sent the kids christmas money for presants 200.00 which they got to buy christmas presants and he wants to call it support.I asked him once if he felt guilty for anything he has and is doing he says he has nothing to feel guilty about I asked him if he was afraid to go to hell for his actions he said he has lived and saw hell working in Iraq the thing is you will probably never get the answer you need or want cheaters lie they are to wrapped up in themselves to care about anyone but themselves
He has saw our children a total of 6 or 7 times in the past 7 years because he is to wrapped up in himself to care about seeing any of his family the reason they cheat i think they are not happy for whatever reason that they deem right in their own minds and they want to leave but they dont want to be alone when they do finally go or are caught like they have left us keep your chin up i know its hard I am gong through the same issues aprilellen


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mommaof4
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Reged: 01/13/10
Posts: 7
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: aprilellen7766]
      #626867 - 01/26/10 07:40 PM

The not being interested in the kids,not wanting to see them, not talk to them, not miss them...not help support them....BOGGLES my mind. Once again STBX has went almost 2 weeks with NO contact and then texts me out of the blue (which annoys me, because he is OLD enough to call me), so I CALLED HIM back...i refuse to text him back. It's so silly. Anyway, he is planning on seeing the kids tomorrow night. Its extremely hard on the kids to see him only once in awhile. I think it would be better if he either becomes a REAL DAD or else drop out completely as to not hurt them anymore. I feel like I'm always making excuses for him to the kids and reminding them he loves them and reminding them 'none of this is your fault & it has NOTHING to do with anything any of you did'. I am cleaning up HIS mess....its not fair. When was it decided that he could be this selfish person and not have any consequences?! I didn't get input in that decision!!

Sorry for the vent...I'm just feeling bitter tonight. Trying to let it flow. I don't know why I have to accept the bad parenting from a spouse that already LEFT and made bad decisions. When is it his turn to face reality and accept some consequences for his actions?!

S


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issabella
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Reged: 04/20/10
Posts: 9
Re: Getting divorced after 11 years.... [Re: mommaof4]
      #655948 - 04/27/10 05:20 AM

Infidelity is one of the things that can really tear a marriage apart. The betrayal of everything a marriage stands for can be devastating for the parties involved. I personally think infidelity is one of the biggest reasons why marriages fall apart!
In a marriage, infidelity isnít just what happens when somebody begins a physical relationship outside of the marriage. Infidelity can also be emotional, when one of the partners in a marriage begins to share their life with someone outside the marriage. This is known as emotional infidelity


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