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wife has spending problems.BIG PROBLEMS!! HELP!!
      #624560 - 01/20/10 10:51 AM

I have been married to the same woman for 3 years and we've been together for 6 total.We have a son together.She was fired from her bank position last june for unknown reasons(she gave me a reason,but told other ppl other reasons.point being she lied and covered it up). i gave her my blessing to be a stay at home mom, as long as we could pay our october i tried to use my emergancy use only credit card and i found out all 4000 was maxed out on it.come to find out she spent it all on mary k and fake jewlery.after doing a little snooping i found out she was taking cash loans and was not paying the bills on the loans. she worked up about 16,000$ in cash loans in a year behind my back not counting stealing my credit card and maxing it out on crap.she also drained my sons savings account because it was in her and his name .i asked her for the statments to his savings and she says "f-you my name is on that account so its my money too".i dont know the exact amount of the loans or what was in his savings because she still will not come 100% clean.she intercepts the mail before i get home so she has the statments hidden somewhere by the time i get home from work.when i ask her to tell me the whole amount she says "no,thats my business and if i tell you your going to hold it against me."
she screams,turns red and throws stuff,in front of my son if i "bring it up".i cannot turn a blind eye to this. she has a problem and it is out of control. i love my wife but i feel like shes drilling a hole in the bottom of the boat we're in and she will not tell me where the hole is to fix it.
im paying for a house i bought a couple years back for 32000. i owe around 22000 on it driving a 10y/o truck and shes driving a car her mom gave her last year when her grand father died.i have been trying to save and pay off some small bills here and there to be able to buy us a new car and now it doesnt look like thats going to happen.she has ruined us. everyone is telling me to get a divorce but i cant afford it unless i get a loan at the moment and then its gonna get ugly in court cause im going to fight tooth and nail for full custody.i dont think a judge is going to order me to give her anything after doing this to us.i think she could be labled an "un-fit parent",and i cant see a judge ordering me to give her child support when she spent her on sons savings and stole my credit card and maxed it out and worked up 16000 in cash loans in less than a year and has nothing to show for it.i honestly dont know where the money went.shes not on drugs. maybe she gambled it away. she does love the [censored],but i dont know for sure.i can only speculate where it all went.

if someone can give me any advice on my rights in this situation i would be forever greatful.matt

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Reged: 01/03/08
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Re: wife has spending problems.BIG PROBLEMS!! HELP!! [Re: hazmat1979]
      #624777 - 01/20/10 10:53 PM

If you still love her I would first recommend counseling. While you are doing this I would get all my ducks in a row... interview lawyers, get all your financial papers together, etc. Normally all assets AND debts are split during a marriage. She will have some income imputed to her which will help if you have to pay SS. With such a short-term marriage, you would have very short-term SS (if at all).

On custody, the only way you are going to get full custody is if she is a danger to your child and this usually means severe mental illness and/or substance abuse. Joint legal custody is the norm with one as the residential. Since she was the SAHM the court will want to maintain her as the custodial parent.

Now every state is different so you should spend the money to speak to a lawyer or get a free consult- some lawyers will meet with you for one hour for free.

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Re: wife has spending problems.BIG PROBLEMS!! HELP!! [Re: ILMimi]
      #624827 - 01/21/10 08:37 AM

counseling is out of the qtn.i've asked her to go with me to see counselor or a shrink and she refuses cause "i'll hold it against her".her sisters say she bi-polar but she will not go get diagnosed and medicated. she goes thru her day like nothing has happened in complete denial.i've given her 3 months to come clean and help me help her but she refuses to come clean.
you really think a judge is going to make me split her debt when i didnt have a clue what she was up to?i've been hearing 2 different things. some ppl tell me its all her debt as long as her name is the only one on the loans and some say it will be split.???? do lawyers hang around this forum?? and to set the record straight, shes not a SAHM ,shes more like a WMD (WOMAN OF MASS DESTRUCTION).

i've decided im going to do my taxes,take my refund and get a lawyer and file for divorce.the only way i can prepare for my sons future is to remove her from the picture

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Reged: 03/05/08
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Re: wife has spending problems.BIG PROBLEMS!! HELP!! [Re: hazmat1979]
      #624856 - 01/21/10 09:53 AM

"you really think a judge is going to make me split her debt when i didnt have a clue what she was up to?" - Yes, that is the most likely outcome. Everything acquired while married, assets and debts, regardless of who's name is attached, is usually considered joint. The court will expect that you could have pulled a credit report and gone to the banks yourself.

"the only way i can prepare for my sons future is to remove her from the picture" - Forget about that. She's the mother. Even if she is diagnosed bi-polar, the court will most likely award her joint, if not primary, custody.

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Re: wife has spending problems.BIG PROBLEMS!! HELP [Re: d2njti]
      #625244 - 01/21/10 07:11 PM

First, it does sound like she is bi-polar. One thing that is very typical of a true bi-polar personality is excessive spending. My dear sister is bi-polar and due to her excessive spending during her "high" times, she has never had a pot to "you know what" in.

Your wife, of a short time, has not been faithful to your marriage. She has spent money irrationally, stolen from you and your child. The first thing you need to do is to protect what is left of your financial interest. Contact the credit card company and get her name off of the account. Close the account and have them transfer the balance into a new account with a new number. They will treat it as though you lost the card.

What loans do you have? Is your name on them? How was she able to run up $16K in debt. Whatever you have to do, make sure the creditor knows that the ran up the debt and ask how you may protect yourself from this point forward. I can't make suggestions about this as you were vague about the nature of this debt.

Open an account for your son with your name on it only. As a joint account owner for your son, she could take the money if she chose unless it was set up as a trust. If it was not, you have to kiss that money goodbye. My guess is that your son is young enough for you to start a new account for him.

Who knows what she is doing. Obviously she has no respect for you, your marriage, or your family's financial health. However, you will not be able to remove her from your son's future. She WILL be a part of it unless you can prove her to be unfit or that your son is unsafe in her charge. That itself is a whole other matter.

Lastly, contact all three credit bureaus - Trans Union, Experian and Equifax. Let them know the situation and have them flag your file for fraud. This means that for the next three months (they only hold the flag for three months and you can reflag the files after that expires) any activity that takes place in your files, you will receive notification. Should your wife try to open any accounts in your name, you will be notified. No credit will be extended in your name until you approve it in writing.

For now you must protect your financial interest.


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Re: wife has spending problems.BIG PROBLEMS!! HELP [Re: Sharonlynn]
      #625385 - 01/22/10 07:44 AM

"Contact the credit card company and get her name off of the account. Close the account and have them transfer the balance into a new account with a new number. They will treat it as though you lost the card." i did that the day i found out what happened.her name wasnt even on the account to begin with,she just took my card# ,exp date and made the transactions on the net.

"How was she able to run up $16K in debt?" she was going to banks and finance companies and taking cash loans.i found out yesterday some more crap.just before she was fired,she told the loan officer(her sister in-laws sister) at the bank she worked at that her other brother wanted to get a loan but he was always at work and unable to come in to sign papers on the loan,and that she was going to co-sign and bring him the money.the loan officer,being her family,trusted her and did the loan for her.come to find out ,she forged his sig and took the money.i noticed a bank statment in her brothers name one day in the mail and i asked my wife about it and she told me her brother opened a new checking account at her bank and had the statment sent to our house so his ex couldnt find out how much he was sounded fishy,but i trusted my wife.looks like my wife has a file somewhere with ppls social security # on it.her brother found out what had happened when the bank contacted him because his balance was past due on his loan. he called my wife (at that bank) to find out what happened and she confessed to him and said she was gonna pay the bill,not to worry,but asked him not to tell anyone cause my wife and hes/her sister in law would lose their jobs and never be able to work at a bank he put faith in my wife and kept her dirty lil secret.

the only loans i knowingly have is my house mortgage.i got my credit report yesterday and i found out she has approx 7000 in loans and purchases that she has made in my name counting the 4000 on my visa.the other 3000 is news to me.a 500$ loan at her bank,a 1500$ loan with webbank?and a 1000$ bill with TD RCS?

as of right now i know of approx 7000$ in charges in my name,3500$ in her brothers name and she has a 5000$ loan,a 8000$ loan and a 3000$ loan and then some misc crap on her credit report that total about 1000$.so thats approx 27,500$ in debt.

since she will not listen to me and blows her top when i "bring it up" i asked her sister and brother for trying to get an intervention for her.her sister went and told her mom and dad all that she has done and she said her mother couldnt stop crying.her father threw his hands up and said "thats it! we cannot help her". her family has decided to try to get her to see a doc but they cannot help money wise.her sis told me to hang in there till they can figure out how to approch her. i told her they have a week to figure it out or im filing for a divorce.

my plan is to talk to my wife calmly,tell her i've been here 3 months waiting for her to come clean and i cant wait any longer.if she promises to walk away with her debt that is in her name,and never bring it up in court,and only ask for child suport,i'll bite the bullet and pay my 7000$ in debt she has in my name and learn my life lesson.we can sell my house ,pay off the mortgage and split whats left and part peacefully.if she wants to throw her lies/debt on my back im going to press charges on her for stealing my credit card and she can set in jail while we're going threw the divorce card fraud is a minimum of 6 months in louisiana i here.then i'll be sure to get my son.if she wants to play dirty i have a whole year to pull that wild card.

btw ,thanks sharonlynn

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Re: wife has spending problems.BIG PROBLEMS!! HELP [Re: hazmat1979]
      #625533 - 01/22/10 12:47 PM

here is a taste of what im dealing with.she sent me this email this morning.scroll to the bottom and read up.hope this sheds light on how extreme she is being.

OMG . . . . wow yea i could blow a fuse right now. i saw this quote and thought it was rather interesting and thought i would share with you. change can be a good thing xxxx! but i see when you read it you had negative thoughts. just like always! i guess that will never change. hope you have a great day! i know i will!!!!!! (and i wont let YOU change it) off to take a nap so maybe i will forget about what you just wrote!
i will not let you upset me anymore! of to never never land . . . .

From: xxxxx <[email protected]>
To: Exxxx Bxxd <emxxxxxxxd@[censored].com>
Sent: Fri, January 22, 2010 9:33:15 AM
Subject: RE: Change . . .

i didnt quite follow it.what change? your change?

i really dont care what an "unknown author" has to say. all i care about is what my wife has to here for you now,and have been for 3 months waiting,hurting uable to speak to you about this problem because you get so i said monday,its your move.i've told you what im willing to do,the creditors know what their doing,but you dont have very long to decide what your going to do .im here now,for you,to help. next week may be a different story.i love you ,if i didnt i would've left when i found out you stole my credit card. you have to make a decision asap

From: Exxxxxxd [mailto:exxxxxxxd@[censored].com]
Sent: Friday, January 22, 2010 9:11 AM
To: Jxxxxxxxxxd
Subject: Change . . .

Change can be so slow that you didn't know that your life is better or worse until it just is.
-Author Unknown

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