Torn
recently joined
Reged: 02/07/10
Posts: 4
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Hi, everyone. I hope someone will be able to offer me a new perspective. My parents and friends are convinced I did the right thing by leaving my husband, but I keep going back and forth.
I am 29. We were together for 3 years before getting married. We were married for only two years, but during this time I pretty much had to support him as he went back to school. Throughout our relationship I assumed responsibility for our finances, and I know now that was a mistake.
In general we are complete opposites. I enjoy going out while he likes staying in; I enjoy the city, while he hates it, etc, etc. In addition, I have traits of borderline personality disorder, which make me easily bored and depressed, and prone to lashing out (verbally) when I get angry. All in all, a lot of weekends in the last year of our marriage were spent sleeping, because we never did much together, and were both depressed. And I left when his jealous and vengeful nature made me realize I could be better off alone. We do, however, have the best sexual chemistry.
There is a lot more to the story, but I won't bore you. I had left twice before for a week at a time, and always came back. I left in September and moved in with my parents. I was ok at first, feeling like a weight lifted. But now we spend the night together once every couple of months and talk and text almost daily. Every time I spend time with him, I am left a sobbing mess the next day, because I wonder why could it not work out, because it feels so natural and easy. There are a lot of things I need to forgive, and forgiveness in general is very, very hard for me. I wonder if we could still work it out.
We are both living with our respective parents now, who are wholeheartedly behind the divorce (as are my friends). I even filed for divorce two weeks ago. But I saw him on Fri, and now this haunts me.
My parents got divorced, and I vowed to myself to not repeat their mistake. I don't want to be a divorcee. But I don't want the life we used to have together, either.
So my question is, do you think it is possible for both partners to want to and to try to change enough to not repeat the mistakes of the past? We both are able to blame the other, but I wonder if it is possible to just start anew without all that. And also, if anyone has had the experience of filing and reconsidering. I can't really trust my parents' or friends' opinions, as they know him from the bad times I shared with them. Is this something people going through divorce face, that uncertainty in the light of one of the biggest decisions in their lives? Or does that mean something, like that there is enough love to make it? I don't know... I am afraid to let go someone I am so attracted to, that knows me better than anyone else, that I can joke around and be silly with. I am afraid that this is the love of my life, but how much work is love supposed to be? Also, there is the problem of his parents hating me, and mine not particularly liking him, either, so moving forward would be hard.
I really appreciate any input anyone has for me. I am so happy to have found this forum, because I don't know anyone else in my situation.
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uncertain78
recently joined
Reged: 12/04/09
Posts: 11
Loc: southern illinois
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I think its possible..but hard hard hard..I think people are who they are..They can change for a while, but that is alot of work to remain that way forever..you have to be very dedicated to making your spouse happy to do this..I am going through this same thing..in 10 yrs this is our 4th split..so I am kinda negative toward the whole subject of change. If you love each other enough, feel like there is enough invested, then what is one more try going to hurt??
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Torn
recently joined
Reged: 02/07/10
Posts: 4
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Thanks for the reply, and this is the problem, exactly. My husband asks how much work is a marriage supposed to be, and I guess he is right. Is it supposed to be natural? My own changing is so painful, because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Because of it, I see things a certain way, and it affects my relationships. And my husband is afraid that first of all, too much work, and what is the guarantee that I will not run again.
So when do you say enough is enough? You say this is your 4th split, uncertain78, so when will you know? I'm scared to make the wrong decision. I see that blaming him for our marriage breaking is wrong, because we both gave up, lived as two individuals in the same house. But again, how hard does it have to be and still be worth it?
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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I guess when one says enough that is it. otherwise it keeps going in a circle. We all have different tolerance. And in conflicting env we do get tired evantually. And we may break on nothing major, it is that breaking point...
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uncertain78
recently joined
Reged: 12/04/09
Posts: 11
Loc: southern illinois
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I thought enough was enough this time. Others convinced me otherwise. I dont know if you have children or not, but i have 2 with him, 1 from previous marriage..This really effects my decision to fight. If it were just me, I would have been done long ago. The borderline personality disorder. Was he aware of this when married you? That is part of your package, so he has to be willing to understand that. It takes 2 to make a marriage work, but I honestly think 1 can make it fail, unless the other is willing to accept anything...
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Torn
recently joined
Reged: 02/07/10
Posts: 4
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I just wonder if we should not just give up trying to mold the other to our specifications and start over looking for someone who actually fits them instead.
I have no children, so it is easier. Neither one of us knew the name of my disorder until a year ago, but while we dated and as we got married, he knew I was depressed and taking medication for it. And although it was hard, and he did not always handle it in the best way for me, he did stick by me.
But the sarcrifices we will both have to make as individuals are many, to the point that I wonder how long it would last before we revert to what we truly are: two very different, barely compatible opposites.
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uncertain78
recently joined
Reged: 12/04/09
Posts: 11
Loc: southern illinois
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I totally get that. I think you shouldnt have to completely change who you are to be with someone. You are together because you fell in love with each other, as the people you are. But as we get older, daily life's stresses sets in, people change..or when you REALLY get to know someone you see they arent really who you thought they were. There really isnt a east answer. Either path you choose is going to be hard. I dont know how much forgiving and forgetting have to be given in your marriage, but that is hard hard. Especially the forgetting part..Will you be happy without him, in time? Marriages, some, go through periods of falling out of love. Is it something you can get back? Are you willing to stay with him for reasons such as finances and comfort?? Its a huge decision. Have you tried councilling?
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Torn
recently joined
Reged: 02/07/10
Posts: 4
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Haha, the finances are a huge part of why I left, because he was holding me back. I do much better on my own, as he was going to school for the duration of the marriage, and did not work. He was resistant to counseling, because we went to my personal therapist, and even if we go to someone else, I don't know how much he truly believes in it.
I think I could be happy without him, in time. But I also fear not finding someone I can get along with. I feel like the first decent guy will run the minute he gets to know me in my depressed state, when I start calling him names and spiral out of control.
We did fall in love, but we were never truly happy with one another. I always wanted to go out, and did so against his wishes. He is kind of socially inept, whereas I need to be the center of attention. So opposites attract, but for how long?
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mojoda
newbie
Reged: 12/21/09
Posts: 39
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Torn I am in a simular situation, my stbx wife has issues with depression, anger issues, and other issues. our marrage started out the same funny enough, i lost my job and was at the time going to school full time. so my wife supported our family for 8 months (basicly the first year of our marrage).
what i have learned is marrage is work, but it should not be hard work all the time. forgiveness is important in a marrage, but to a limit. love will always be present, but sometimes you do need to use your head over your heart.
I wish i had done that years ago. things will repeat if you allow them to. my wife has this pattern over the 13 years we have been togeather. only now the issue is we are married and not just together.
my wifes issues are psycolocigal, but repetative. she decides she thinks she finds someone better, decides i am either verbaly abusive or controling (this time it is both)and she kicks me out. then 6-12 months later she gets her head straight and comes back and i take her back.
she filed for divorce on 1/14 and put an order of protection against me on 1/13, barring me from seeing her daughter who i have been raising as my own since she was 3 months old, and is 8 years old now. after being served the divorce papers in NY i had 20 days (not even buisness days) to make a decision of fighting, excepting, or fighting and counter filing.
this decision was the hardest i have ever had to make. I love my wife, and nothing will ever change that. it is a decision that you wish someone would just tell you what to do, and it seems that no matter what decision is made it is the wrong one. but this is the point where you need to put your heart aside, and religh on your head.
what helped me is writing down the good and bads of the relationship. and see what needs to be worked on. since you can contact your husband have him do the same, once this is done discuss what is needed to change and if the 2 of you are willing to make those changes.
unfortinly i didnt have this option, and my decision was to fight her file and counter file. once i read the final paper work from my lawyer it realy hit home. i was like wow i have no idea what i was thinking putting up with all this for so long. dont get me wrong i love my wife with all that i am, but forgiveness for adultry and other infedelities can only go so far.
as i said our situations are similar we have been married for 2 years and are of simular age. i understand that everything is not exacly the same but if what i have learned over the past 3 months can help you with your dicition and maybe make it easier (not less painful) final one. good luck and hoping that you can come to a benificial resolusion for the 2 of you.
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uncertain78
recently joined
Reged: 12/04/09
Posts: 11
Loc: southern illinois
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fear can control your every decision. I understand you have this illness that affects the stability of your emotions. How supportive of this is your husband? I grew up with mental illness in my household. My father ALWAYS supported my mother, whether it was hospitalizations or weeks at a time being locked in her room. So there are understanding men out there. And if you help yourself, therapy, medication..ect, it should be treated no differently than diabetes or a heart condition. I do understand mental health is viewed completely different than physical health, but you cant let that control your decision of what creates happiness for you. As far as the financial aspect of your marriage, if he will be done with school shortly, then this should no longer be an issue, correct? Going out verses not going out, quiet verses center of attention. That seems like small issues that can be compromised?? And marital counciling. I mean, if this is an option, just not with YOUR counciliar, maybe that should be considered??
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