bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Hello all. Hope everyone is planning and will have a good weekend. I've had an exhausting week at work. Several things have happened during the week and they all left me ruminating (a talent that would have been best left undeveloped!) about the fallouts from divorce and the coping mechanisms that we all either learn or need to learn. So, I turn yet once again in these years now after divorce to this emphathetic and rich in wisdom board and pose these questions: 1) how do you actively stop your mind from going back to the past? I've heard the rubberband on your wrist theory (I tried that for awhile in the remote past and all I got out of it was a sore wrist!). The thing that works the best for me now is to say a prayer. I don't use this method as much as I should -- it not only would be good for my soul, but I think it would be equally excellent for my mental health! 2) How do you break the multiple connections that exist in your mind that relate to your ex-spouse? This is particularly hard for me to this day because I have so many living reminders (my sons) of their father. Their personalities reflect him often enough and when they do I wince inwardly nowadays and wish I had stood up to him more. I even wonder if staying in the marriage was beneficial to any of us in the long run. I would most likely never have left my husband (of course, he left me)because I was still in love with him but there are days when I examine the past with the "what ifs" way too much. I was wondering if any of you had specific advice on how to break that cycle once and for all -- I know full well it is simply a matter of not letting your mind go to those places, but sometimes it seems it finds its way there on its own!
Hope spring is around the corner for all of us.
Take care
bacall
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Bacall, I certainly do not have any answers and your post comes at an interesting time….triggers you mention…well tonight for the first time in many years I had a trigger…My X turns 60 today and info from the family indicates he is having a big birthday bash…all the family will be there, one of which I was a part of for 30 yrs. For the first time I felt the pull of nostalgia…the sadness at what was lost and what I am no longer part of…he is remarried to the woman he left me for and living a wonderful life…I felt a huge loss of regret, sadness but with that my whacky sense of humor surfaced and I realize that’s it OVER….he made his choice and is living his life.
How do you actively stop your mind? Well try not to go there, it’s the past, its over…spouses that left us especially when they are remarried aren’t worth the time that they take up in our heads…how many years has it been? For me almost ten now…its done…over and I have no idea why that fleeting moment of melancholy slipped in there…and trust me I smooshed it out really fast…I have a really good life and so many things to be thankful for…clinging to what was, what I lost is just not where I want to be…I can’t play the victim about it…
Yes we have children together like you did with your spouse…but living reminders? I can understand that because my YS is a strong image of my X but I focus on my son and who he is and not in relation to my X.
I do not know what to tell you….except they are gone, the marriage is over and hanging on serves no purpose…except holding us back. Life is just too short to regret the past and ruin today….today is all we have…tomorrow is not promised to anyone….
The what ifs’ you mention…they don’t work for me…there were no chances were what if’s …..the x found someone else… I was replaced….from what I hear she is beautiful, intelligent and nice…my energies are better spent on other pursuits than dwelling on what ifs…they have no relevancy to me….
I had to move forward and focus on ME…..ME…..ME…and my family…..I learned to focus on my children, my friends, my life and enjoy that…and move forward….
As I said I don’t have any answers…I don’t know how to stop going back to the marriage and what was and what ifs’…..I have a great life now and have adjusted really well to my single life and actually like it. I do what I want and go where I go and answer to only me….I find it very liberating….I am fortunate that I have always worked, have enough to support me and can do what I want…I have become very selfish in my life pursuits…I have good friends, great family and enjoy my children but I also cherish the days when they are me days and I can do what I want without considering anyone except me.
Reality plays a big part....those X's that left are gone....they aren't coming back....they chose other women....not much we can do.....
My former family are right down the road from me celebrating an event that I would have been part of...I am not...so here I am...sipping a glass of wine and realizing that the marriage was over...thats why he left...and I am happier now in my life.....
makes no sense but "it is what it is"
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iceis
journeyman
Reged: 08/14/08
Posts: 62
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annie excellent post!!
As I say " I am learning to enjoy my solitude"
I cant tell you the times i have drempt, I was still assocciated in life with my ex, to wake up relieved, I was in my own space, my own home, and he is not in my life.
It is crazy to wake up relieved you are alone, But I am struggling to find what to do in my life
I say I am doing nothing, making up for all the years I seemed to have to do everything.
It is a challenge to decide and find out what you, yourself like?
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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Good timing as well here. I am going through that again, I thought I was over with. Had to move again, and this is the reminder of the separation and then divorce. Every got scrathced fresh again. It is sad I have come to this point, last time when I was here, I was planning wedding, looking for house for us etc. etc... Too mamny memories and are very hard to not to go there, because they come just like that wihtout going there. Ihave good friends and family and I have been honest with them, I am in dump dear again... I know I will be out of it again, but right now everything looks sad.. It is suprising to see that I was an independent person all my life, how can I develop such a emotional dependecy on another person during very short years and feel lost.
It will go away and you will out of it, but in a very different way, not the way you were before him. You are going to be totally a different person, more stronger and with new hobbies, may be new set friedns (old reminds of him)...
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Marla
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/10
Posts: 12
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Hi. I'm new here and I enjoy reading all of the posts. It makes me feel not so all alone.
I totally understand most of the feelings we are all experiencing, to bring us to this wonderful sight.
I had a few thoughts about things in your post. As you know, from my initial posts, I have been divorced for over 5 years now. My kids were young when I moved on from an abusive sick man. I decided not to let my kids grow up around the monster I married. It was rough back then, to be a single mom but, in my case, even though I lost my dream of a happy family, I was done, done, done and not looking back. I was ready to deal with the healing process of living with abuse. And, so I did. I had no time to date and just spent all of my time with my kids, family , friends,and my self.
Well, after many years I felt ready to date and met a man, with whom I just ended the relationship with. I thought I was "healed" and that my "self esteem" was in check.
I got involved and realized immediately, that it wasn't. So, I repeated the same thing as in my marriage; made excuses for his behavior, felt I deserved it, and tolerated much more than I ever should have. I realized that the relationship was not making me feel good about "me". But, I stayed, for many reasons, mostly because I didn't want to believe that I chose another disordered person.Also, I didn't want to be alone. Deep down, I still didn't feel good about myself still. I realized this but kept trying to work things out, with more and more red flags coming up as time went by; ie: lying, being selfish,etc..
Anyway, after 2 yrs of back and forth, I have finally felt strong enough to end it. He pulled one last fast one on me, and now its over. And, I really don't feel badly about it. I have built up a great support group of friends and family in the two years we were together. This is key to surviving a bad relationship and moving on.
We can't do it alone. We need support. We need to talk to others and vent, people who understand.
I think it all comes down to learning to love and honor yourself, and to look back as the experience we HAD to go through to finally learn what we don't want in our lives.
I love myself too much to allow anyone or anything make me feel worthless. I don't want anyone around me that isn't devoted to me as a person. These people don't deserve to have me in their lives. There are just too many people on this earth who will see me for who I am and love me to death, as I love myself.
Ending a relationship with someone who is not devoted to you is the beginning of a life of making room for someone who is; who does feel honored to having you in their life.
This journey on earth goes quickly. This is how I look at things now, as I am getting older. And, what we think in our heads, is how we feel. So, its all about that.
This morning I woke up, after ending a turbulent relationship, and I didn't feel alone. I actually felt good about my decision to wipe out a person that really doesn't deserve me in their life; a person who didn't appreciate what he had. I just know, that now that he is out of my life, there is room for new opportunities to bring new people into my life. In time it will happen, because I will make it happen. I will attract positive people into my life, because I feel positive about myself. Call it the law of attraction, or call it out with the old and in with the new. All I know is that when the negative leaves, the positive will appear. Its a fact of life.
I know this post is long, but its how I feel now, and I just see a positive outlook. I will only be alone if I choose that. As, I said, if you feel good about who you are, you will attract that in your life.
I'm not going to look back with any regrets, because all of our experience, our choices, and our decisions, ultimately were in our lives because we needed to have them, to grow and learn to be a better person.
Looking forward to bigger and better things coming into my life to replace the old and finished business.
Thanks for listening.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Do domething else. Each time you think about him and your past life with him you ru around the block. That would stop me within a day.
Choose a nasty chore you HATE doing and that is your 'reward' for thinking about him.
Bacall, in time you can let this loose and fly away. But only if you want to. If you keep picking the scab you will be perpetually feel the pain and rawnessof it all.
My ex has a new life, a new wife and is doing things I never dreamed he would do. I think his choices are impulsive and not thought out. He thinks he is happy.
Am I happy? Yes I am. He was not the reason I was born. My parents did not have me to be good dutiful wife. Being a 'wife' does not define who I am.
Yes, I know. I am remarried. And I refuse to allow myself to be efined by my marriage. I even changed my Facebook name to include my maiden name. It may always just stay as my facebook name or I may chang my name in the future. Who knows?
Bacall, you were a person before you married. You are still a person after your divorce. Would his death have been easier on you?
Yes, your kids are a constant reminder of him. But they are also 50% you. What qualities have you passed onto your kids?
Refuse to qualify your existence by who you are related to. Define yourself by who YOU are. And remember, your ex is the one who failed and walked away. He is the failure.
As for the happy weekend? More snow tomorrow. 3-5" is expected. Oh Yay!
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Hi Bacall,
I liked what KiwiGirl said – “Define yourself by who YOU are.”
So, who ARE you? Who are you BEING? What is YOUR passion?
The multiple connections exist in your mind alone – most of them are not reality any more. So the question is – what should one do with our thoughts? It is true that our thoughts create our reality. So if you don’t like the results you are seeing in your life, CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS! Feelings will come and go – one minute we feel happy, one minute we can feel said – but they are based on our thoughts.
Start practicing living a “conscious” life – become aware of your thoughts – asking yourself – and yes, practice asking this question every 5 minutes in the beginning – what am I thinking? Will this thought bring me joy? Peace? Sadness? And then consciously change it if you don’t like it! It’s the same as making a conscious decision about what food you are going to put in your mouth – healthy food that benefits your body, or junk food that will harm it?
“What ifs” keep you stuck in the past. They serve no purpose in the present or for the future.
Warm regards,
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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Marla
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/10
Posts: 12
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Hello Vanaja...
I just ended a 2yr relationship that I once ended before and went through living h$ll trying to get out of the pain. This time, I decided to do things differently. I could NOT put myself through that pain again.
So, I picked up a book called 'you can heal your life' by Louise Hay and I CRIED my eyes out. Very healing.
I realize that WE create our own reality. WE are responsible for all that has happenned to us.
After reading this, I was able to get rid of all of the resentment toward him that I had. I realized that I put up with things I could have prevented by confronting him all along and maybe it would have ended sooner. But, "I" chose to close my eyes and then it all came out in the wash anyway.
So, I highly recommend this book.
You are right...Its all about how you think about it and what you are saying to yourself...which is usually not true. Great post. I totally agree.
I journalled and finally cried and
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Annie, IceIs, MyHeart, Marla, KiwiGirl, and Vanaja,
Thanks for all your thoughtful responses. Each one of you added a perspective that I, of course, "know" in the objective sense of the word, but can't always "do," if you know what I mean.
I've found a few techniques of my own and have been thinking of a few more, because unlike some of the situations that other people have, I will probably continue to see my ex-husband and his wife often during the rest of my life. We are bound by our six children and the years ahead will be filled with numerous occasions where I will have to be "okay," have to get along and have to find a peace within myself. I find it is, indeed, doable, because I've been actively "doing" it for about five months now, but it takes a whole lot of strength, courage, grit and determination to be joyful on occasions that bring back a 30 year history (that is the past being interwoven into the present).
I probably have a more peaceful relationship than mamy of the people who claim to have found life "better" after divorce. I hold no grudges against my ex-husband or his wife. I hold myself totally responsible for the choices I've made in my life and I do admit being considerably saddened by choices some have made that have impacted me in ways that I naively would never have imagined. But, those are choices that are accountable by others and they were not mine.
Although I have accepted the situation and the reality of life as it is, I guess I was mistakenly thinking that I would somehow "feel" better about everything. Maybe that is one of the things that also surprises me -- that acceptance hasn't brought about more tranquility of heart and that is all I've pretty much been looking for. Perhaps in time...
But, in the meantime, as we all know, life is only lived in the present moments we are given, and each day I thank God for the moments of joy that I do have.
Hope all of you have joyful days (even with the snow that just seems to be a permanent part of the landscape these days!)
Take care, Bacall
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Hi Bacall
Not sure I understand the post. I think that many of us especially those that have children with our X's will have to come into contact with the X and their new partner whether it be new spouse or girlfriend. And yes it can be painful, sad, disheartening and evoke a ton of emotions. I get that very well. But there is nothing we can do except accept it, certainly can't change it.
My X is now remarried, to the OW. At least I think the reason he left was for this OW. And the fact that we have children together who are adults means "family events" like weddings, babies, etc puts us in contact.
Up until recently there were no events...but just recently there was one...and I came into contact with the X's wife. Needless to say it was a difficult day for me. NOT because I harbor any emotions about the marriage ending and clinging to the fact he left but feelings of inadequacy came up. It didn't help that mutual acquaintances told me how beatiful she was, how intelligent, etc etc. Why did/do they say this? Have no idea but I felt like a troll going to this event....my approach was to be low key, not to avoid a meeting but not actively seek it out and if per change we did meet, just be gracious and polite.
Well..we got introduced...the new wife was as gracious as she could be...I have to hand it to her...very diplomatic she was, the ice was broken and all was well. The mystery was over and now I don't have to worry anymore about being the troll.
I am so relieved that the "meeting" face to face is over. I know now I can go to any future event and feel fine. I am so content with that.
My marriage is over, the years have rolled by and life goes on. I only hope it gets better for you as time goes on.
Yes it was a tragedy that my LTM ended...it was very sad...but not much I can/could do about it. My X made his choice of a partner and it wasn't me...I just wish he had been honest in the very beginning and indicated that his leaving was due to OW...if I had known that from the initial departure, I would have not hung on and tried to save my marriage. I feel really stupid when I think about how hard I tried to save my marriage. I would NOT have tried if I had known about the OW. It would have made it so much easier to just let it go.
Don't know if that makes sense but for me I just wish I had known.
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