bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Annie,
I have to make just one small point. And I do so because something you said struck a chord within me. My ex-spouse's new wife seems very happy that I have "accepted" it all. And, of course, you mentioned that your ex-husband's new wife was very gracious. Seriously, how could or should they be?
They have our ex-husbands -- for better, worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. What are they going to do? Throw spaghetti at US? We are the ones left behind, you know -- it would make absolutely no sense that they would not be gracious. I don't give anyone points for that. It is the least I would expect.
I give US points for being the gracious ones, as a matter of fact. I think you and probably many others may disagree with me -- but I still believe that marriage is supposed to be forever -- call me stupid (and many have!!) and call me naive and whatever... but I still believe in the sanctity and the ideals behind marriage. People can love you and leave you and that's okay, I guess. But, for some of us marriage was, indeed, a determined commitment. Maybe that is why I feel a bit differently than a lot of people. Not better or worse, mind you, just differently about it all.
Although I still hold true to my own beliefs, I see that the world at large holds little value to fidelity, honesty, integrity. What the "world" does seem to embrace is the quick fix, the "I'm not happy with you now, so I'm trading you in for a new model." Works in commercials and from what I can see with my own eyes, it works in relationships, too.
I have spent a lifetime trying not to judge anyone. All I'm doing now is trying to figure out what to do with me -- it is in reality the only person I have left. I certainly haven't figured most of anything out and I feel I know less today than I did yesterday and the day before. But, I also believe life is all about learning -- boy, haven't WE learned a lot!!
Thanks for your comments -- and just so you know -- you never, ever should feel less (ala your humorous remark about feeling like a troll) than the wonderful woman you are!
Take care (thanks for listening to my soap box). One day I hope all of this will be such a distant memory that it will seem like it all happened to someone else.
bacall
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Atlas
journeyman
Reged: 11/03/09
Posts: 80
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I'm with you on that, bacall. My marriage certainly wasn't perfect, but once kids are involved I guess I assumed my ex understood that family meant more to life than the thrill of passion. I was wrong. To this day I still feel strange when I feel my empty left ring finger.
As for blocking triggers, I don't do it. I find that it's better to let the pain come and wash over me. I think holding it back and burying it deep will do more damage, in the long run. I have faith that, in time, the pain will subside, just like it has with every painful experience I've had in my life. This one is, by far, the most painful, so it only makes sense that it will take longer.
I think Annie's words were profound, though, and they will help keep perspective as it relates to finding peace, however fleeting:
"Today is all we have… tomorrow is not promised to anyone."
So true.
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Marla, Good for you for doing all the work - I can see from what you have written that it made a difference in your life.
I also always highly recommend Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" that you speak about. And if you liked the book, you will also like the DVD of the same name -it's not exactly the same as the book. It consists of Louise Hay talking, and a few others. It's really good. It's available at most libraries.
Another good book that I recommend is The Forgiveness Solution by Dr. Phillip Friedman. It is not available in libraries as yet, but if you go to the "Resources" page on my website, you will see it there (goes through Amazon)
Warm regards,
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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bacall, be patient and kind with yourself. Healing does take time, but yes, you can heal. Will there be twinges of sadness and/or regret when you run into your ex? Perhaps. But you'll live. Question is, what kind of a life do you want? Only you can answer that - and then go for it! We women have more strength and courage than we give ourselves credit for!
Warm regards,
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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One thing I found that helped me was to refer to my ex husband as 'my childrens father'.This little trick helped me disengage from those "him and me' memories and him as my EX husband.
Just an idea.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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Thank god I don't have any kid with him. But it is still difficult, because relationship is not just related to children only. We live in same area, and we have common friends. Unfortunately friend's have to take sides, like whom to invite him or me. Though whoever he comes close to tells them not to talk to me, but I have not given same instruction, only thing I have said, please don't invite me if you are inviting him. That is it, I will not feel bad if I am not invited. Though inside my heart I do feel bad, because these were my friends too. But I think it is not fair to them. Anyway I guess this another side of the divorce. Like a part of our life somebody tool away. Sorry I am hurt today by one of these events, but I have been on the other side too, so can't complain.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I agree marriage is supposed to be forever, until death do us part...we enter this joining of two with the committment to stay together for life...and yes I wholeheartedly agree that we are in a throw away society. Something better comes along or boredom, etc etc...and the spouse gets dumped for the next model....It should not be but the reality is that it happens.
I never wished my marriage to end but it did. And there was NOT ONE THING I COULD DO ABOUT THAT....not one thing...I tried and tried to save my marriage but he wasn't having anything to do with that.. he moved out. My divorce was for desertion. Yup, he deserted his family, physically, emotionally and to a certain extent financially. Yes he paid child support but he was not happy about that, not at all. Oh well....
Can I do anything about the marriage ending and the reneging of forever? Nope.
I moped around for several years, it was miserable and sad. I hated it. Did I cling to memories of what could have been? What I had lost? Yup...but eventually for me at least I realized I had to move forward. I moved forward at a snails pace...step by step, inch by inch. For me I just could not stay in that sad dark place.
I understand for many of us marriage was our whole life and the desertion of our spouses will forever define who we are, what we have become and how we view the world. We will never let it go, ever. Thats okay but for me it wasn't.
Do I still regret the marriage ending? Maybe...once in a great while I have a flashback of the man my X was, the fun we had, the things we did, the good memories but that is all they are, memories and goals that will never be.
As I say today is today and tommorrow is not promised to anyone. I can't let this tragic situation hold me back from enjoying my life.
Instead I try to focus on the good and positives. I dont know maybe I am just to dumb to know any better, maybe I should hang onto the past and feel more sad and regretful but thats not my nature. My X's family has had several big family events in the past few years, ones that I would have been part of, and yes its sad that I am excluded but thats life.
I guess the one thought I can put out there is this.
The life events that we all have to share with our X's, their new spouses and our kids, is NOT ABOUT US...its about our kids, their upcoming babies, our new DIL/SIL, a loved one passing...
focusing on how we feel is kind of selfish.....instead spin it around and use the time to focus on who the event is really for...not me thats for darn sure....and just maybe it will give all of us a ray of sunshine in our hearts.
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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My socitey is not very forgiving about divorce, almost all of the time woman is the blame party, she was supposed to keep the family together, and she failed. Second timer fail is worse, becasue it puts a stagima on her face, nobody pays attention she may be married for decades first time. As a part of moving on, very easy said than done, what does it include, yes, you can work, take care of children, on the surface, everybody sees you look content, but inside the heart and soul you may not.. Like you said snail pace, actually even when people say I have moved on, it is snail pace, if there is nobody new involved in your life. It does take a while to live with the loss we feel everyday every moment. Like I said this loss is reminded every which way, like our friend's are taking sides, we are shunned from the family gatherings, the pain of divorce gets enhanced every time like this happens. DO we get whole new set of friends, but living for decades, and in the same area, it is not easy to let go our long time friends and ties to extended family.
What am I saying it is pain at every level... And yes we all learn to live with it and try to move on...
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Hello again Bacall,
I'm in the process of trigger elimination and mental emancipation as I write this haha. I expect, like allot of things I've experienced, this might take a little while but it doesn't all have to be dreary. I'm doing simple sorts of things. Mind you, I was really connected to my ex... I remember turning down the stereo because I didn't want to wake her then I realized what I was doing and actually laughed out loud... She was living 167 miles away with her new beau haha. I would buy a shirt and be thinking about whether she would like it, etc. etc. etc. So, needless to say, I've had about as many triggers as a porcupine has quills haha.
That said... I started my process of trigger elimination with middle of the road things that I refer to as 'equalizers'. I felt pretty worthless after the divorce... remarkable rejected. I couldn't completely free myself from her memory or persistently entertaining the fantasy of her so I began to do things that I believed would free me or at least reduce the amount of rejection I felt and empower me again. I did things like turning up the stereo because I can haha. Leaving a light on in the entryway all night knowing it would have driven her crazy but I was free to do it. Cooking cabbage without the windows open (she was probably right about that one haha)Talking to that woman down the street who enjoys flirting, taking up ALL the covers and ALL the pillows in bed haha. All the while in my heart of hearts reclaiming myself, my freedom, and actually my humanity. I started socializing more. Going out for lunch with friends/co-workers and actually talking about all kinds of things... laughing again. I started doing fun things with my sons like learning how to play a few video games and challenging them... watching movies and sitting up late to have 'real men' discussions that were in part about physical feats and part about the deeper truths of manhood... those that have nothing to do with the physical. I even asked two women that are pretty fashion conscious to take me shopping... don't know if I'll ever do that again haha but I did ask and they obliged. It was actually fun. They found joy in bringing a 56 year old ex-marine (if there is such a thing) all kinds of clothes to try on... some that I just laughed and so did they. It was not always easy but I realized that changing my surroundings and changing the patterns that involved her began to free me from her and allowed me to reclaim the parts of me that I'd forgotten. I gave the Honda to my son and bought a used RX-8 for about a third of what it should have cost, fixed it up and detailed it myself. I drive it with a grin on my face.
I think until we're able to fill our time and our minds with other activities we remain married in spite of the term "divorced"... we stay married to the memory or the anger, or the lack of justice or the rejection. We fail to see ourselves as attractive, vibrant, worthwhile because we continue to look through the lense of rejection. We purpetually feel depressed because the vacancy we believe we have isn't really a vacancy... its still filled with an ex who is truly gone. God knows I hated that reality but that is what it is.
I'm laughing at myself as I write this reply to your post... its pretty easy to have insight isn't it haha but insight doesn't necessarily bring or make change which is the hard part. I'm not through the hills and valley's yet but it's no longer Mt. Everest one day and Death Valley the next. I am finding the more time I spend with others and the more I reclaim things as "mine" instead of "ours" the better I feel. I plan on repainting the livingroom, tearing out the carpet in the kitchen (who the heck puts carpet in their kitchen anyway?) and hanging art that I find appealing in the rooms I would like to hang it... all making what was formerly "our" house into "my" house. I paid twice for it afterall haha.
Like everything I write, this is just an opinion not a law. Take what you want, pitch the rest. Its not important that you listen to me, its only important that you reclaim you :)
Curt
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Curt,
Well, yet again, you have "defined" feelings in a pretty eloquent manner. Your comment, "I think until we're able to fill our time and our minds with other activities we remain married in spite of the term "divorced"... we stay married to the memory or the anger, or the lack of justice or the rejection. We fail to see ourselves as attractive, vibrant, worthwhile because we continue to look through the lense of rejection. We purpetually feel depressed because the vacancy we believe we have isn't really a vacancy... its still filled with an ex who is truly gone. God knows I hated that reality but that is what it is."
That is an interesting statement because I sometimes comment to my friends that is exactly what I still feel I am -- married. Strange... perhaps being married so long is hard to break -- like a habit. I don't feel single or divorced; in my heart only, I guess I still am married -- to only a thought or ideal. Someone just recently admonished me (I get a lot of that these days) that I am not living in the "real" world -- that divorce is very commonplace and that pretty much "it's just not that big a deal." I will never agree with that comment because I believe too much in families to ever think that divorce is an "okay" choice. I quite "get" the fact that if one party wants to divorce you, there is nothing you can do about it. But, I rue the fact that modern life in the U.S. seems to be okay with the cheapening of marriage and the dissolution of family life (whether children are young or old, I would defend the position that divorce is one of the most destructive forces that man/woman perpetuates). And, it is a choice, not a given (like death and usually ill health). I guess the whole thing (certainly not just my life) makes me remarkably sad.
That said, I liked what you said about equalizers although I seem to be taking some backsteps these days. It may have to do more with getting older and wiser than anything to do with divorce per se.
Anyway, thanks again for your comments.
Take care, bacall
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