stuckinthepast
recently joined
Reged: 02/26/10
Posts: 1
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I have been separated from my exhusband for two years in April. Our divorce was just finalized this past May. He has already moved on with his life and has been seeing someone for about a year. Yet here I am stuck. I just dont know what to do. I cant move on no matter what I do. I am still very much in love with him. The hardest part is I still have to see him frequently (we have a 4 year old together). I just dont know what to do or where to go from here. I just dont even know where to begin. I just know I need help and advice. I keep thinking one day he is going to tell me he made a mistake and wants to try again, although I know that day will never come its almost like I've made myself believe it will happen sometime. It just hurts more than I could have ever imagined. Someone please help me. Any advice on how you were able to get through this?
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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Hi,
I am sorry that you are going through this. I know this is a very old topic, I guess many on these posts mention going through it. It is natural to still be in love with your partner and father of your child. I don't know what caused your divorce, but seems like he has moved on. Many times people do get invovle with another person, just to ease out of the pain. It is unfortunate, but you may have to try to think about negative things happend which caused the divorce and positive things are happening. Yes many times it feels like nothing positive is happening, but you have ot look hard to find it. It is very hard to hate somebody when loved the person for so many years, but ditachment is required.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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It hurts for a while. So accept the feeling as pain and sadness and the loss of someone you you shared life with. By accepting it you will feel better and not feel like you have to fight off the feelings.
Try reducing the amount of contact time with him. If you drop your son at his dad's place, plan to run an errand immediately afterwards even if it is a trip to the local bookstore to get another selfhelp book! Then you drop off your son, get in the car and drive away because you have something else to do. If he calls, do not get into long conversations with thim. If he does this it is to make him feel like a better person and everything is fine and you are doing OK and he made the right decision and and and ...
Answer his questions. If you don'thave an answer right then and there, tell him you will email a response in 24 hrs. Then say "Is that all? OK bye!" and hang up the phone. No talks about mutual friends or the funny thing your son did today etc. If he wanted to see every funny thing he did the father would have stuck around and been a better partner.
In time you will feel better. You may not believe it but you have actually moved on a little since the divorce. And maybe the sense of betrayal and guilt at forgetting about him as your spouse has slowed you down.
My ex told me how much he made a mistake. But it happened just before I remarried so his admission meant nothing to me. And I think this will be the case with you. He will admit his mistake when you are in no mind to take him back.
As for moving on? Redecorate or at the least get new sheets and decorate 1 room in your house as 'yours' and no one elses. YOU decorate it as YOU want it. not your son, (unless it is his bedroom!)not for your ex. Just for you.
Be strong, it will get better. Promise. I was a mess for a year before I pulled my head out of my arse and realised I did not owe him this much headspace as he had treated me very badly when he left and quite frankly, didn't deserve me.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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The only thing that helps is time. I went through this with my XSO. He married less than a year after he dumped me. I strongly suspect he was seeing her before he ended our relationship so it probably just looked like he moved on really fast. I couldn't even function for the longest time, as some of the long time posters can attest to. I made an attempt to move on at one point and while it didn't really work I did end up with a gorgeous daughter out of it. We have been apart for over years now. I still miss him like crazy, I still love him but he's not mine anymore so that's what I remember. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I don't think of him often anymore. Ususally not unless one of my kids brings him up, which happens because some of their greatest childhood memories revolve around things we all did together.
It will get better though. You'll get through it because you have to.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Give yourself some time first - there is a huge adjustment period after a divorce - with things to learn along the way. Change is hard work - you can use the pain as motivation to learn & grow, and it's not easy, but you can do it. It needs working through all the emotional stages - grief, pain, anger, fear, etc.
Try and keep yourself busy for now - go out with friends, take your little one out or invite her (his?) friends over - children bring us a lot of joy and can have a healing influence.
As for wanting him back - even if he does come back, and you take him back - what do you think the chances are of him not repeating the same thing?
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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NlightNlove
recently joined
Reged: 03/05/10
Posts: 8
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It seems like there are several of us who wish to reach out to you because we've been there, felt those same feelings, and want you to know that it will get better. After my ex moved out, I went back to school, trained for a 1/2 marathon, and started seeing a therapist. These actions helped me to focus more on caring for myself and creating a new family with just me and my girls. The initial grief was overwhelming, but it gets better - it really does! You owe it to yourself and to your child to move on. Acknowledge your anger, your sadness, the dreams that you have lost, and let them go - you could even write them out on paper, then burn them ceremoniously. Start thinking about the new life you want to live - this isn't the end! It can be the start of an even better life - I am living proof. The first step is in acknowledging that you are stuck- so you're already on the way. Now do something for you - pick a goal - any goal- and go for it! I liked the idea of redecorating, or create a vision board of your dreams (your child will like this, too!), or take a class, or join a divorce support group in person, or join a book club, or take up running - there are so many amazing things out there in the world in which you can learn and improve yourself!
You need a new focus in life, one that empowers you. I wish you luck in your new life.
Nicole
p.s. I've now completed my undergraduate degree and am working on my Master's while setting up a coaching company. I wouldn't have done any of it had I not gone through my divorce! Oh - and I met the man of my dreams and we were married this summer. It has made me realize how unfit my ex and I actually were for each other.
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ConfusedDadNH
newbie
Reged: 10/28/09
Posts: 37
Loc: NH
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What makes me, or any of us the ones' who have trouble moving on? Why can our spouse or S.O's guiltlessly move on with a flip of a switch. I so badly want to survive and grow to spite my STBX but I just cant get over her - yet she can with me. Its a pattern I see in all the relationships on this site. I WANT to be the one to move on and forget I WANT to be the strong one I WANT to seem like nothing bothers me. But no, I am stuck in despair while she smiles through her day. I feel so weak.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Because they have already checked out long before they leave us. They have been messing with the idea for months and months and have made everything OK in their heads. Then they up and leave and we are left like deer in the headlights.
You are not weak. You are strong. She was weak because she left and didn't want to work things out. SHE is the coward. Not you.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Try growing up and not being such a crybaby. You sound like an immature 17 year old girl. Try writing him a check of money you earned every month, then you will know what it is like to be an adult, grow the fVck up and stop your whining...
Women like you should be reversibly sterilized until they grow up...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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Yregna, you really suck. I don't need to say more.
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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If you cut a check will you forget your ex faster??? Or you will hate that person everyday every moment, so you didn't really forget, she/he is on your face everyday.... Not all pain, hurt, loneliness are related to money.
When you marry you didn't marry wow one day we will go for divorce and he/she will have to cut a big check for me every month. You lose more than money every month, yes that monthly check is insult on your injury.
We all miss our good days, we are so good in forgetting bad days, but I am sure there were plenty of bad days lead to where every one is today. So in the memory of bad days, try to move on. That means adopt something else in your life other than memory of your ex. Help somebody which will give you satisfaction, that you did something good. Find something to bring positiveness in your life. I was there where you are today 7 months ago, now I feel I am more content the way my life is.
When friends say, I guess they don't know what else to say, be happy!!! And I say I am not sure about that, but I don't want to be sad either.... Which is helping me.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Or the original poster?
I never took any money from my ex.
As for the OP, how do you know any money changes hands? Or are you still bitter and ugly from having to write cheque for your bad decision making a number of years ago?
Crawl back under your bridge, there's a good troll.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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NlightNlove
recently joined
Reged: 03/05/10
Posts: 8
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A break up is a process with no real time limitations on it - it's a lot like grief in that way. At some point, you may need some help getting "unstuck," but this is a process that can't be rushed through. Sometimes the pain, and I can really relate, is so uncomfortable that you just want to escape from it. It's really a decision to move on and make the best of the life you have. I happened to see a therapist to help me through the pain and I worked hard focusing on making a better life for myself and for my kids. You have to believe that it gets better -it does! - and that you'll look back on this as an incredible learning opportunity. I even got an additional bonus - I now have a wonderful man to share my life with - someone I met after I had gone through my grieving process so that he didn't have to fill my emptiness - I had already done that myself. BTW, entering a new relationship when you haven't gone through the grief or understood why the previous one didn't work, is asking to just repeat some of the same patterns you had from before. I just want you to know that it really does get better! Before I even met my new husband I had run and trained for a 1/2 marathon, was working on a college degree, had been in therapy for a year - I was working hard on myself so that I had no room in my life for focusing on my ex. Maybe you could choose something for you this week - something you want to improve - your career? Fun and recreation? Your physical environment? Health? Friends? Start improving your life in some small way - everyday. You deserve it and now your ex isn't there to look out for you - guess what- you have to! How about downloading some new music? Reading a new book? Watch a movie that your ex would never let you watch? Go for a hike? Take up a new sport? There are so many things to do out there! I feel your pain, I really do, now go out and make something out of it. I hope this helps. I really want people in your situation to know that it gets better!
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myheart
enthusiast
Reged: 05/21/09
Posts: 213
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Yes separation, divorce process, than recovery all take time. Everybody take different time depends on how deep the hurt is every which way. There are many iteration of recovery.. You have to give time to grieve as well, no matter what divorce breaks a dream you had for your life. Now alone may be not in a young age anymore puts a too many doubts about the future. As we age we can get heath issue, then you do wish there is somebody who can be there for you.
But when I look back during my marriage I have been sick, and no matter I still had ot take care of household responsibilities, since he was never available. Once my recently single freinds well said "she is pleasantly sick", there is nobody there demanding things from her, when she is sick.
SO I guess having good freinds at this moment is more important... I like the peace I have, yes sometimes I wish I have somebody to talk to, but I weigh stress versus peace, and I chose peace..
Make a list, what would like to happen in next 12 months, like I did, I made small item lists, like, cleanup old bills, file my important papers in file cabinet, cleanup the garage, bring children to a right routine, try to cook more in the house, go to gym regaularly and talk to at least one freind in the evening. I felt so good after doing one of those item, felt like wow I accomplished something, instead of sitting and crying.
Good healthy food and regular excercise has wonders on the health.
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issabella
recently joined
Reged: 04/20/10
Posts: 9
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Divorce is a painful process but it must be remembered that it is also part of the game of life. All players have roles and perceptions are everything.
Properly control your emotion. After breaking up, you may feel angry, guilty, upset and frustrated. There feeling might be appearing to grow stronger with each passing day. These feelings are persistent and are even threatening to lead you towards a depression. Therefore, you have to control these feelings and adjust yourself to the changing situation, through which you can restart your happy life.
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