pixiedust
recently joined
Reged: 03/10/10
Posts: 5
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To answer my own question; because I was young, had no self image, and felt that at 25 I should be married and on my way to a life filled with happiness. Instead, it's been a miserable 15 years filled with anxiety, fear, some joy, and some peace(yes, I figured I should put out some happy vibes, too.)
So, I'm new here. I'm 39 years old, married, with an 11 year old boy. I don't think I'm headed down the divorce road yet but I know that I'm just tired of living the way I do. My spouse works out of the home and is home with us 24/7 and I also homeschool. Let's just say we're on top of eachother all day long and it's really wearing on me.
My spouse is the most negative person you'll ever meet(well, darn close to it anyway). He suffers from depression and anxiety which manifests itself in anger and mistrust of society and people in general. He is extremely judgemental and feels that if you aren't like him, then you must fit into another lowly category below him, etc.
For example, if you spit or throw your cigarette out the window then you are a dirtbag. If you drive an American car then you must be stupid. I could go on, but you all can get the idea, LOL. Anyway, he never really gets on me about much. We have a nice life, drive luxury vehicles, and we live very comfortably. Unfortunately, I have become more guarded in my intimacy levels with him and I feel that our marriage is suffering because of his attitude. He brings me down constantly. Complaining about the neighbor's dogs barking, complaining about the landscapers across the street taking too long, complaining about service issues and how some else's stupidity means he'll have to pay more taxes and he's always put upon. He's the victim in most cases and everybody's irresponsibility affects him negatively in some way or another.
Now, that's just the start of it. He's a recovering alcoholic. He was abusing alcohol by the time he was 15. He came from a home where his parents were verbally and sometimes physically abusive to eachother and to the children. There have been times when I've felt that flight or fight adrenaline rush hit me when he gets upset about things b/c he literally 'sees red'. I've seen him throw things, kick things, punch the dog(many years ago), and break things in his anger fits. These incidents have led me to 'walk on eggshells' because I never know what kind of day he's going to be having. He's never hit me or threatened me or our son. Actually, he always says that we're the only things he's got. And, I remind him often that he needs to remember that especially when the world is pressing down on him. He's come right out and says he hates people and he's told me numerous times that I should leave him and that I wouldn't have any trouble finding a mate.
We have no mutual friends that we get together with as he's pretty much turned away from any social gatherings. So, I try to enjoy my life and enjoy my friendships as best as I can. We have no family around here, either, so many times I feel that I have no place to turn. I told him that I'm going to go to individual counseling so that I can learn some coping techniques for how to live with him and for how to better respond to him. He asked if he could come along but I said no b/c I want to meet with someone on my own first and then possibly bring him in once I have some emotions sorted out.
The problem is that we've been down the counseling road before. Things get good for a bit, and then we're back to the same old pattern. He's ranting and raving about his rights being infringed upon or he's scaring the crap out of our kid by telling him that our new neighbors are probably going to come kill us since the guy was covered in tattooes and smokes and wears wife beater t-shirts. Yeah, like he's not judging there, that describes 1/2 of my mom's side of the family. I'm just tired of it all. And, if I talk to him about it he gets mopey and looks put upon and then tries to turn it into a woes me contest where all of a sudden I'm the bad guy b/c I'm asking him to talk. He'll say things like, "My father had it right. Sit in your chair, ignore your family, and don't talk to anyone since you're d*mned no matter what you say."
When he does have good days and we go out to dinner I talk to him them. He's very receptive and admits that most of our marriage issues and my stress issues are due to his attitude and behaviors but he won't try antidepressants. I've had him try GABA and B6 vitamins and they seem to work for a bit and then he says they don't work anymore and he's freaking out again about the neighbor's dog barking.
Honestly, I fantasize about getting away from him but I know that's not the healthy thing to do as we have a child who looks up to dad and needs him to be around. Let along the financial side of a divorce can be really trying.
Does anyone have any good book recommendations? I'm still planning on finding a counselor, it's just hard because of our homeschooling schedule and location. I really just need some hope, sigh! 
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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Atleast he's not drinking! But once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. They still have that "stinking thinking" and recovery is ongoing. Does he attend AA meetings? There is Al-Anon for YOU! Check into it. I've found it to be more helpful than counseling, and it's much cheaper, they just pass a basket, and you throw in a buck or two. I got involved in Al-Anon about 5 years ago. It really is great.
You may want to give it a try. Good luck and take care. Here's the link to find a meeting near you. Remove the space after the first w
w ww.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
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pixiedust
recently joined
Reged: 03/10/10
Posts: 5
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Hmmm, never thought of that but that's a great idea. I'm just really tired of living with someone who's down in the mouth, negative, and thinks he's better than everyone else.
The other thing that I think really needs resolving is that he doesn't/hasn't come to any of our son's sporting events. Our son plays competitive tennis and my husband was a college tennis player and a former tennis pro. He can't stand watching our son makes mistakes so he chooses not to attend. He also hates dealing with the parents and their attitudes, too.
When ds played basketball a few years ago, dh swore he'd never attend another game since they don't allow stealing. He also swore off going to flag football over the years because he hated the parents and the rules of kids sports. He would just fly off the handle if the kids got a flag thrown by the ref for jumping. So, he stopped coming and making excuses. I know there are some folks in the junior tennis community that think that I'm a single parent because they have never seen or met my husband! To me, this is very sad but all the nagging in the world won't help and quite frankly, when he's getting stressed out on the sidelines it stresses me out to no end and then I don't enjoy MY time watching either. Sigh......
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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I'm sorry pixiedust. I'm sure it's hard on you and your son. Most likely, his thinking he's better than everyone else, is really about his own insecurities. If he's criticising others and putting them down, he's elevating himself and that makes him feel better.
It's a shame that he doesn't participate in your son's activities. Your husband is making this all about himself and not about your son and what's best for him. Alcoholism is such a selfish/self centered disease. Could your son talk to him about how it makes him feel not to have his Dad involved?
The more I read about your situation, the more I think you would benefit from Al-Anon. There is also Al-Ateen for your son. Alcoholism does run in families.
Again, I'm sorry, I can empathize with how you feel. Hang in there, and take care.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Pixie,
You got married because you wanted free room and board, same as most lazy women.
Grow up and become an adult if you can...If not, divorce and take him for as much money as you can, that is the path most females take. Suicide would also work for you.
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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pixiedust
recently joined
Reged: 03/10/10
Posts: 5
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yregna, I didn't want free room and board. I was already living on my own and supporting myself at the time we met. I had a career as a stockbroker before our son was born and I contributed quite nicely to our finances. Since coming home to be with our child, I have worked part time for financial advisors and have gotten certified as an exercise instructor and currently teach yoga.
And, I am an adult. If I was a stupid selfish child I would have left long ago. I stay b/c I am committed to my marriages vows despite how difficult this marriage has become. Please, give me a break. It sounds as if you have your own bitterness and anger issues.
Oh, and when my parents got divorced my mother chose not to ask for alimony from my dad. She knew he was suffering emotionally enough as he had just lost his parents. She left him b/c he wouldn't quit drinking. I guess I thought I got a better deal since my husband quit drinking right before we tied the knot. I was 25 and naive and didn't realize that many of his issues weren't just from the alcohol.
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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yregna is an idiot.. don't feed the monkeys.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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pixiedust
recently joined
Reged: 03/10/10
Posts: 5
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OK, so how do I suggest to my husband that he needs anger management help? Last night our neighbors dog was barking and he's sensitive to noise so he threw a fit by slamming doors and screaming about how everyone in our neighborhood is f*ing trailer trash, etc. And, he has these fits in front of our kid. He's been doing this for years.
He's so sensitive to noise that he's gone over to the landscapers working across the street at another neighbor's house and asked the guy to use a broom. The past 2 nights he's slept in our third bedroom b/c there have been dogs barking in the distance in the neighborhood and he can't hear them in the front room so he hasn't even been sleeping in our bed.
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d2njti
member
Reged: 03/05/08
Posts: 187
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Earplugs are cheaper.
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pixiedust
recently joined
Reged: 03/10/10
Posts: 5
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He uses earplugs. I do, too, when the dogs bark at night but I know we can hear them through the plugs. It's kind of hard for him to use them while he's working and the 2 yappers are going crazy next door and he's trying to have a conference call. It's his reaction to noise that drives me crazy. I understand it's annoying but slamming doors, cursing, and screaming doesn't accomplish anything except to make yourself and everyone around you stressed out!
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