Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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I'm at an odd place in my experience with living beyond divorce. I am more and more restless. It seems the happier more satisfied I become with life the more joy I get from driving late nights, full moons... you know the kind where moon shadows are crisp and the light nearly matchs early morning twilight... You can park on the side of the road and see deer walking the fields, watch the long shadows shift in the wind. I'm not exactly feeling frisky haha and I'm not experiencing a mid-life crisis but wanting to take in those mysteriously spiritual moments. In the middle of experiencing those moments, particularly early morning, I've been missing having someone to share that with. Don't get me wrong. I am not missing my ex. I'm missing the next person and growing more restless about finding her haha. Yet... I just want her to be with me during those intensely spiritual moments to share the beauty... that romantic moment (not sexual). I am reminded of watching the Aurora Borealis for the first time without someone to share that memory moment. Anyway, I catch myself listening intently to the spiritual side of the women I meet in everyday activity. Granted most are married and I will never cross that boundary but I can't help imagining how it would be to experience those moments with them.
I don't know if its odd to, on one hand, want some to share those mystical times together yet, on the other hand, want no other obligations or responsibilities beyond simple friendship. How do you actually experience the depth of those memory moments with someone then say "thanks... see ya" and go your own way until the opportunity to experience another moment and the mood matches. It may be several weeks before the opportunity arrives again.
Maybe I was married too long but sometimes I think I'd like to have a relationship with someone who lives across the street. We visit each other when we feel the need to for whatever reason that is then return home to our own lives without obligation yet we continue to care for one another in a uniquely special way. I think I must be getting old haha. I'm not looking for a friend with benefits... I'm looking for a friend to share those special times and avoiding the complications that occur when more than that is expected.
Anyone else go through this?
Thanks :)
Curt
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Kris10Kinn
recently joined
Reged: 03/20/10
Posts: 7
Loc: Connecticut, USA
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I've experienced it on the other end of it - being a woman looking for a relationship with someone without understanding that they do not want to be obligated in any way. More of you out there than you think and many who are very nice men who come off to women as not knowing what they want. May I ask, don't male friends share spiritual things?
One thing you need to understand is that most women are looking for security - not money, not shelter but knowing that the person they are with can be counted on to be there. And more than most men realize, we equate sex with closeness so if we have a man, we're going to want to 'seal the deal' so to speak to convey that closeness.
Perhaps you will do better with a relation for sharing these moments (any siblings or cousins nearby?) instead of looking for a female friend. Many women can walk away when a misunderstanding like the one you describe in paragraph 2 occurs, but then again, some women don't handle that well at all and you could find yourself in a bit of a mess.
I hope this helps. Good luck to you.
Kris
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Thanks Kris,
I'm just being really honest trying to figure this out. I do want a deeper friendship with a woman but I don't want that to suddenly turn into being captured or feeling captured. I would love to have the total relationship. My experience thus far is either no interest or lets get married next week. There has to be some middle ground lol.
I think your statement about allot of men coming off to women as not knowing what they want as a valid observation. I think part of it for me isn't so much that I don't want to be obligated in "any way", its more that I don't want more read into the friendship than what is experienced in those mystical moments or have expectations formed without both parties agreeing to those expectations. I probably should have explained that a friendship to me means I already have accepted some responsibilities to provide support. I don't like the quick claim that seems to happen in relationships though.
Related to your question about guys and spiritual things. Guys can enjoy spiritual times together but it's definitely not, in my experience, the same as with a woman.
Again, it seems like all or nothing out there...
Thanks for taking the time to comment Kris, I appreciate it.
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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I would love what you talk about. But guys I've dated want to take care of me or think that is what I want. Nope. I can take care of myself.
I'd love to have a boyfriend to go to the movies with, go on trips with, and stuff like that.
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Ah, another interesting post. I do believe that men have a spiritual side (but if you think about it, society pretty much "throws" at us that women are out looking and searching for men -- wherever they go, and men spend their time in less than "significant" relationships, always trying to avoid being "captured.") Think of all the romance movies that have ever been made. Wonder why so many of us grow up with skewed expectations!
Surprisingly,Curt, I think you may discover that many more women than you might think (particularly divorced women) probably want almost exactly what you mention. I think divorce leaves an unmistakable trace of -- I don't want to call it mistrust exactly -- but perhaps "caution" is a way better word. I can't speak for the younger women who are divorced, My guess is 1) they haven't spent so long in a relationship that less time is left on earth rather than more 2) they can still "have" a family -- those of us married a long time "had" a family that is now different 3) younger people recover from everything sooner than older people.
Saying that, I think that most sane divorced women may, indeed, want what you mention. Women are luckier in one respect than men -- they tend to be able to share moments with women friends. However, most humans need connections -- real connections -- the moments you speak of and someone to share ideas, agree and disagree about life -- all the things that make up our lives.
My guess is that if you look in the right places you will ultimately find someone to share the moments. I think the restlessness is pretty natural right now. Just like when we were teenagers, in a sense, spring time is a time that breathes back life into the most deadened of us (hopefully!).
Right now what you are experiencing is probably a longing of sorts -- but one tempered by your experiences. My guess is that you will be writing soon telling the DS board about adventures.
Restlessness is a good sign. Life is all about activity.
I liked what Kris said about women in general. I don't think that every woman wants security, however. Although I think that initially that is what divorced and maybe widowed women want, after awhile they may just want a friend and to see where it goes (if anywhere) from there.
Anyway, always interesting to read your posts. Hope you have a good week.
Take care, bacall
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Atlas
journeyman
Reged: 11/03/09
Posts: 80
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I don't exactly understand what the problem is. I mean, I've got plenty of friends who are women. As long as you're not lying to them or leading them on, everything should work out fine.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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I think it's just a matter of patience. The relationship you describe is exactly what I want (after I am divorced.....I'm not there yet) I have a life. I would expect a future boyfriend to have a life too. I pray that my sole mate is out there, but I wouldn't want to be joined at the hip.
Just be honest with the women that you date.....that your current goal is companionship, but not totally enmeshing your lives.
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Thank you 1004SRS, Bacall, Atlas, and Finz. for taking the time to respond.
1004SRS; where do you live? haha! Seriously, that is the sort of relationship I'd feel most comfortable in at the moment. I respect a woman who is capable of standing on her own yet is able to share spontaneousness with someone else without their automatically being obligations to one another beyond friendship. I know that one of those sorts of relationships will eventually lead to more with me but it has to be a slow steady process not 0 to 100 in 6 seconds if you know what I mean. I appreciate your comments.
Bacall; I sure enjoy your posts. I think you're pretty accurate in your observations. I didn't realize how much I would panic when I felt the press for more than friendship until it happened. I 'm ready to experience friendship, even a deeper friendship, but the fear of a constrained relationship is larger than my desire for friendship if you know what I mean.
I was very married and didn't stray. My ex did stray twice. One that we made it through and the one that ended the relationship. During the process of dealing with the first one I felt hurt initially then trapped in a situation that I didn't want to be in. I went through the girations of loving and not loving her. She would want to be next to me and I didn't want her even close to me, particularly intimately. I couldn't bring myself to end the marriage though I thought long and hard about it. During that time I felt trapped, smothered, with no way out of the situation because I believed marriage is forever. When I finally decided to turn back to the relationship I had to work through all of those feelings without much participation from her. In retrospect, I should have ended the marriage then. We managed some really good times after the affair but we were never really the same after. She couldn't understand why I would have any lingering issues when she had obviously decided to remain in the relationship. This long winded disclosure is just to provide some additional information about why I would resist things moving too fast and why the idea of being trapped in something I don't want to be in immediately presses me away. I was really surprised by how quickly people seem to lay claim to each other or simply want nothing at all. I do know that when I get to the point of considering marriage it will be love beyond fear of rejection or entrapment. It will also sort of be against my will haha.
Your observation about what I am experiencing is completely accurate, I do feel the longing to share special moments and doing so is definitely tempered by my experience. I appreciate your feedback and have always enjoyed the written conversations with you.
Atlas; You have what I want evidently. I agree with your comment about not lying. I'm not lying to anyone. Actually, I don't see the point of lying in a relationship. It just causes hardship even if some aspect of what's being questioned is difficult. Thanks for taking the time to respond :) Much appreciated.
Finz; Its good to know that there are women that want the same sort of relationship. I expect I will fall in love at some point, but I'm not wanting to lay claim or have someone lay claim on me unless its fully and completely the desire of both parties. I like the associational aspects of a relationship. Thank you for posting your comments.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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I think what people want depends a lot on age. When I got divorced I was in my early 30's and was sure I'd get married again. I've had a couple of relationships since then (and a baby who is now 2) and at 41my kids are my main focus.
I'd love to have someone to go to dinner and do stuff with or have adult conversations with but a live in type relationship isn't on my mind at this point. They last person I dated decided after almost 2 months that he couldn't handle me having a 2 yo. It had never crossed my mind at that point to introduce him to my kids. I was really really hurt and I didn't really understand it. It wasn't like I "loved" him. It wasn't until someone pointed out that it wasn't him that I was so sad about but the fact that I had lost the one thing in my life that my kids weren't involved in.
I think that's what it is for me at this point. Having a friendship or even a little more that doesn't involve the kids and belongs only to me. I can definitely understand not wanting to be smothered.......or maybe I can't since it's been so long since I felt that way. LOL
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Hi Debi :),
Introduction to kids could be an entire forum topic I think. The when, the where, the which all could be awkward depending on the situation. You brought up another point that I found interesting in my own analysis of things as well... that is how the heart travels ahead of the mind where you become attached to someone allot quicker in terms of enjoying the space they fill in your life, than you might have imagined initially. There were times that I had online conversations with someone and felt the loss when we stopped communicating though there were no commitments made. I have been pretty self sufficient in my life, I thought, haha so it caught me off guard when I felt twinges of loss over something that shouldn't have caused any.
I hope you find the balance you're looking for in a relationship Debi :) Thanks for your comments.
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