Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Introduction to kids could be an entire forum topic I think. The when, the where, the which all could be awkward depending on the situation.
Yeah but I had never even THOUGHT of bringing my kids into it. I'd never do that unless it was going to be a long term relationship, not someone I was "dating". My kids, in the last 10 years have only met 2 men in my life. So that issue was his not mine.
I'm not even so sure that my heart travelled head of my mind. After giving it a lot of thought i didn't miss "him" as much as I missed that something in my life that only belonged to me. Don't get me wrong.....my kids are my whole life and I love them more than anything but I will admit that I need something that they aren't included in to balance out my life. :o)
I'm pretty self sufficient too. Even when I was married I made more than my x, so needing someone to "take care of me" isn't an issue. I hear so many men say they wish they could find a atrong, independant woman but I think when they actually find one they don't know what to do with her.
I'm to the point where i honestly have no idea how I should behave anymore, because nothing seems right.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Hi again Debi :)
"I hear so many men say they wish they could find a strong, independent woman but I think when they actually find one they don't know what to do with her"
I think that's true on both sides haha. Its quite a dance isn't it. On one hand a guy wants a woman that is independent, self sufficient, strong in her own right yet we also want her to see us as her hero, to be free and spontaneous with us, to allow us to protect her even though she doesn't need it. I don't know that we know exactly we want especially when we're unfulfilled and haven't experienced some of the things we think we want haha.
On the other side I hear women saying they want a strong man who is able to be real, honest, share feelings, entertain deep conversations but they tend to go after "bad boys", seeming to need to be able to change or tame the alpha and, to some degree, measuring love by how much the alpha acquiesces to the taming.
I chuckled about your last line because it is soooo true isn't it haha. I resolved the conflict a long time ago by deciding that it's easier to just be myself and let the chips fall where they may.
Related to dating -
I've experienced the really quick introduction and the no introduction approaches. I enjoy kids but take the invite to meet them as a sign the relationship just took a leap forward toward a serious more long term sort of relationship.
I think people do need to keep the expectations clear because dating, to some folks, is more an interview for a more permanent relationship rather than going out and having a good time just to have a good time and enjoy someone's company. I know initially, without thinking about what I was doing, I was evaluating each woman I met in terms of 'could I live the rest of my life with her' rather than simply trying to enjoy her company and get to know her better without a design toward long term... not ruling it in or out. I think initially I was unconsciously trying to fill the void which would have required a relationship that resembled my marriage. When I read about your situation, that's what I immediately thought the guy was doing in spite of your desire to simply "date". Hopefully we'll both find some people who believe it is okay to simply date. I don't want to be hurt or to hurt someone else because of those misconceptions.
Take care :)
Curt
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Great insight Curt. I think I agree that for the most part neither sex knows what they want.
Although I will say that despite being independant, I'm not above being "protected" now and again.
I had to laugh at your sentence aboput women going after "bad boys". I think every woman has done that at least once, but I haven't since my early 20's. I'm much happier with a man who knows who he is already. I don't want anyone I have to change or train. I have kids for that. LOL
I also agree that people tend to go into meeting someone with expectations of what the future may bring. I used to do that too. Now my main objective is "Do we have enough in common to have fun together"? I probably did try to fill a void years ago but I've been divorced for almost 9 years now. There is no void left from my marriage. My relationship with my true love ended 4 years ago, so there is no void there anymore either.
I think you're right about what the guy I dated was doing. The truth was we had so much in common and enjoyed so many of the same things it was scary. We could talk for hours and it felt like 15 minutes. I think he may have been doing what you said and thinking about if he could spend the rest of his life with me. The kids were the roadblock for him, and honestly I think he knew that he "could" have spent the rest of his life with me if not for them. We still talk occasionally and he's not seeing anyone else so obviously that wasn't it.
I guess time will tell if there is anyone left out there. Maybe when my youngest starts kindergarten I'll meet someone's grandpa. We'd probably be about the same age. ;o)
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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I wrote a lengthy, rambling (who, me?) reply to your post and then deleted it accidentally. So, hopefully, this response will make more sense (it is merely a hope...).
The self-evident is always true. It seems that at the beginning of the divorce "process" (as it has been dubbed), there is so much confusion, so much pain and hurt and disbelief, that all of us heal at a different pace. My healing is far from complete. I always believed marriage was forever and that ideal has been a difficult one to reconcile with what has happened to my life. It has been interesting to read your reflections and your thoughts on restlessness are particularly insightful.
I think, like many others have posted, that many of us feel somewhat the way you do. I can't imagine ever being married again. I believe in marriage and I believe in the "for better, for worse... till death do us part." Apparently, that is not a sentiment shared by many today. Saying that, I have now been alone long enough to also realize that spending the rest of my life alone is certainly going to be -- well, let's sum it up in one word -- awful (that is the best word that comes to mind).
I know some people seem to either just find the "right" one after divorce, some people rush into another marriage for a variety of reasons, some people are so burned they never try again and then there are probably more people like me than I've ever appreciated -- the people who take a long time and still don't know what they want. But, I think all of us -- married, single, widowed, divorced -- all just want to connect with people in a meaningful way and I do believe that most people want a (let's call it...) "special" person who is intrinsically connected with them. I think that is an after effect of divorce. There is a comfort in having another human being to share one's life and when that is taken from you, or removed from you by someone else's choice -- it takes a while to evaluate all of that and come to terms with what it might be that you need.
I also think that the restlessness feature is particularly strong in the spring. Somewhat like the teenage years. I think all divorced people live in a cocoon-like stage for awhile. You seem to be making tentative moves out of yours.
Again, thanks for a thought-provoking post!
Take care, bacall
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Hi Bacall,
I just realized that the post I made in response to you didn't actually post... it only took me about a month to notice haha.
I agreed, to a large degree, with your comments. There definitely is a push and pull... a desire to have intimacy and a fear of hurt all at once even in spite of knowing that risk is required to truly experience intimacy; I'm speaking of a spiritual sort of intimacy that may or may not be expressed physically.
I chuckled at the "cocoon-like stage" haha. It is sooo true in my life. At the time of the divorce I isolated, lived primarily in two places in the house... my bed or my favorite chair and organized things around me so it was like a nest inside of the cocoon haha. I can laugh about it now but it really was sad when I was in the midst of it... the shattering of the divorce was across so many levels I really no longer knew for sure who I was and I was not sure who I'd become... whether I'd be a butterfly or a moth... a phoenix or ash.
I am happy I'm making those tentative moves :) I have a long ways to go but I am finding happiness again, joy in doing some of the things I used to really enjoy. I'm also doing somethings I've not ever tried. Not really big things but things I can feel good about accomplishing.
I mentioned in another post that I'd replaced the garbage disposal and a repaired a variety of things around the house. It was not a big deal except to the extent that I felt I was accomplishing something and having those things work was a reward that made me grin... not a thought about the divorce or what she might or might not have said to me in evaluating my performance haha. It was sort of like when I bought my first lawnmower, as ridiculous as this is going to sound. I was 19 years old, freshly married, and had a father-in-law that wanted to buy everything so his daughter would not have to suffer the hardships associated with being a young couple with very little money; you can imagine how well he and I got along the first few years. Well... I bought a lawnmower with my own money. It was my mower, no one elses, earned with my money, no one elses and I started it up the mowed the lawn TWICE with a grin on my face. I laugh my head off thinking back to those days... I was such a kid... then again, I felt the same way when I crawled out from under the sink, stood up, and that garbage disposal actually worked haha. It was a sign that I would be okay... that I am capable and I can continue to be successful. Not in an arrogant way but in a self satisfied hopeful sort of way.
So... you can see my eyes through the outer layer of the cocoon... my arms and feet have broken through. I'm at that stage where walking is wobbly because I want to drag the cocoon with me in case I need to retreat yet I've stepped far enough through that going back would never be the same :).
Hope this finds you in well. Thanks for posting Bacall :)
Curt
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