Trying2MoveOn
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 9
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Hello everyone,
I am hoping that I can get some support from other people who have been through this. To make a long story short, I was married for 10 years to my XDH, who let me down over and over again until I no longer had faith in him.
I told him to move out because he had become very mean to my kids, and after a particularly bad fight in which he left bruises on my wrists because I wanted to walk away, I decided there wasnt any point in trying again.
So I started causually dating someone who has become very important to me, and a year later we now live together. I never let myself feel hurt for my marriage, I dealt with it by immediately thinking of a time that he hurt me or let me down, and I would feel anger instead of hurt. It is just easier to deal with anger than the horrible feeling of loss.
Now he still says he wants me back, but is practically living with another woman. I went to get my kids and used his bathroom while I was there, and was just shocked to see all her shampoo, cosmetics, and hair dryers. It felt like I had been kicked in the stomach, and I didn't handle it well at all.
So my question is, how do you deal with supressed pain? It seems so much worse than it would have been if I had just taken things slow and worked through it, but at that time it just hurt too much. I don't want to be the crazy ex wife, but we have 3 kids together and have to see each other often. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want him back, but at the same time it is hard for me to see him treating another woman the way I had wanted him to treat me. :(
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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How long has he been involved with this other woman? Perhaps not long enough for his true nature to come out. You really don't know that he's NOT treating her the same way he treated you. After all, if he's saying he wants you back, how is that any different than what he did with other women while you were married?
It sounds like this leopard hasn't changed his spots.Feel sorry for the woman, all women, in his life.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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You'll have to just come to terms, if he is treating this other woman better, that she may be a better choice for him. I don't say that to be hurtful. I had to deal with the same thing. Never wanted my x back after we split up but it was hard seeing him happy with someone else.
For a long time I wondered why she was so much better than me. Then I finally realized it wasn't just me, or him or her. It was what they had as a couple vs. what he and I did. I'll be the first to admit they are a much better match than we were. I'm glad they are happy together.
You'll get there too and then it won't bother you so much. And more than likely you'll find someone who has an x who wonders why he treats you so much better than he did her.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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I think what you are experiencing is as natural as natural can be. When you truly have loved someone, no matter how "settled" you think you are, I can't imagine there would not be pangs of pain either from feeling betrayal (even though you actually are no longer being betrayed), another dose of rejection because it feels like you're being replaced. Resurgence of insecurity wondering why you no longer matter or whether you did in the first place... whether she is someway better than you are.
I like what Debi said. Particularly after a long period of not being together, their moving on has very little to do with us and allot to do with their needs. My ex and her beau are better matched than she and I were, more things in common, similar habits etc., I can see that clearly with my mind though my heart still pangs occassionally... old insecurity when I see pictures of them together. My pride says I am a better choice... but my pride and 20 cents won't buy a cup of coffee or change what has occurred in the past.
Debi's statement "You'll have to just come to terms..." is as true as true can be. It is a struggle that new love seems to mend (so I'm told) but it seems to be a struggle that we must go through in the process of healing.
Keep your chin up and love yourself for all that you bring to your kids and the world around you. The healing will come.
Curt
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Trying2MoveOn
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 9
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Thanks a lot for your advice. I have been finding it easier to deal with the 'OW', they have been together only about 2 months and I can see that his old habits have not gone away, he is just covering them up. To be honest, he can be very friendly and thoughtful, but at the same time he can also be very controlling, verbally and somewhat physically abusive, and condescending, and if she can deal with that, well more power to her. I am moving on and focusing on the man I am with, and my children. I have found that instead of focusing on anger when I am confronted with the pain of our lost marriage, I allow myself to feel several moments of hurt then I focus on what I am grateful for. That seems to have dulled the pain, instead of just prolonging like the anger does. Maybe this technique will help others in my position. Anyways, thanks so much for being supportive and saying what I need to hear, verses what I want to hear. :)
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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I think the first thing you have to stop doing is thinking of her as "The other woman", unless of course she was but from what you posted it sounds like she's not.
She may very well be able to put up with all of those annoying habits of his, after all you did for awhile, right? I've said time and again my x's wife is a better woman than me for putting up with the things that annoy me most about him! Then I came to realize she has a lot of the same traits. LOL Like lateness. Irritates me to no end. I have always said that when my x dies his hearse will break down and he'll be late to the cemetary. His wife is as bad as he is, if not worse. (BAER).
I don't know if it's a new love that helps to change things, because I don't have one I think it's mostly a matter of realizing that things change. As for the "pang" that Curtis mentioned. Yep it's there now and then. Yesterday two of our kids made their First Communion. Even though we all get along well and I think she is a great step-mom it irritates me to have to "share" things like that (which is of course unreasonable). It also irritates me to see my x put his arm around her when it's something he NEVER did to me. (although if he tried now it would be the quickest amputation in the mid-west. LOL)
I get the little things bugging you, and some of them probably always will. It's all a mindset. I let A LOT go.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Please explain why sexual exclusivity is such a big deal ? Why can't you share your man ? Didn't they tell you in kindergarten to share ?
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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I'll explain it... if you believe in monogamy and you make that known to the person you are developing a relationship with then monogamy should be the rule. If you are a player and want to continue playing you should find others that believe the same and leave those of us that do not alone.
In addition to simply looking at the depth of love that can be achieved in monogamy as well as the depth of damage that is done to a person who is violated, it is fairly obvious why one would not want to share their spouse. The gifts would not be equally given, the player would be taking.
From a pure survival standpoint, playing around is progressively more dangerous these days. If a person wants to play its their perogative but they don't need to bring the play ground to my bed. There are allot of things I'd like to share but my relationship with someone I love very deeply or, on the other side of things, a players STDs and other decrepit behaviors are not among them.
Anger is a debilitating condition. It festers and eats away the last bits of humanity. I've seen a number of your posts. I hope you find peace soon... we all need healing. I wish you both.
Curt
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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Wait a minute.. you are mad at him because he has a girlfriend, but you have someone living with you in the space of a year from your divorce? Why would you be mad?
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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Trying2MoveOn
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 9
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I am not mad at him. This post wasnt about my being angry at him for moving on. I believe that he should be free to move on, and I want that for him. I want him to be with someone more compatible for him. The problem is that this is how I wanted him to be, he was horrible to me for a very long time, this he admits freely. It just hurts to have stayed with him for 12 years, begging him to make very crutial changes in his attitude, begging him to get help for the anger issues he had, and then seeing him be so kind to someone else. He never stood up for me during our marriage. His mom ruled our life. But he sure stands up for her. That hurts. I cannot help how I feel, but I can help how I act. It helps to get the feelings out, and get advice, without using him as a sounding board, because I know we both don't deserve that. It's complicated, I know. But please don't mistake my post as anger, that would be hypercritical. I just need to keep focusing on moving on.
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