nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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Short Q: When do you introduce a SO to the kids?
Background: I'm divorced 1.4 yrs, separated 2 yrs. A few weeks after I moved out, my then-husband started he brought his gf into my kids lives. Kinda weird coz they all knew her as MY friend.
About 3 months after the divorce was final (9 months post separation), I introduced my kids to my new bf. We dated a year. I broke up with him.
I've been dating a new guy for 2 months. My kids were DYING to meet him for some reason.
I don't plan on remarrying. My kids stated they don't need a step-dad. I'm just looking for a long term companion for now. My kids understand this.
So I made dinner and the kids and bf and I had a great time getting to know one another.
My ex has a huge issue with this and told the kids that "Mom should not be parading all her boyfriends over to you".
Seriously? It's the second guy in over a year. To ex's credit, he is still with the same slut-uh, I mean, money-hungry, um...girl that he began sleeping with before I ever moved out.
I probably wouldn't have had the kids meet the new bf yet as there really was no reason to (as in a party or event to attend together) but they were bugging me to meet him for weeks!
What do you think?
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asurvivor
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/14/05
Posts: 3410
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I say keep the kids out of it. If you don't plan on marrying EVER then why get the kids involved?
If I had it to do over again...My daughter would never had met anyone I ever dated and I would not have remarried /:
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20052
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"I probably wouldn't have had the kids meet the new bf yet as there really was no reason to (as in a party or event to attend together) but they were bugging me to meet him for weeks!"
And if they bug you to buy beer, to go to the party with no parental supervision, to stay out all night, to allow a sleepover with their boyfried... what will you tell them? If there was no reason for them to meet him, they shouldn't have just because they were bugging you to.
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
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I've been divorced almost 5 years...have had three relationships. My kids met all three rather soon. I saw no reason to hide either from the other...they are both a part of my life, and therefore, I feel like it's normal for them to overlap in my life.
I've been dating current boyfriend for almost 2 months now, my kids have known about it from the beginning. We've been hanging out with kids since about 2-weeks in. If my ex had a problem with it...it would be just that...his problem.
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youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
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Quote:
I say keep the kids out of it. If you don't plan on marrying EVER then why get the kids involved?
If I had it to do over again...My daughter would never had met anyone I ever dated and I would not have remarried /:
At this point, I have no intention of remarrying again. But I still date and my kids still meet the person I'm in a relationship with. Marriage isn't the only reason to interact with one's children.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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There are two issues here.
One is the age old question of when a new love interest should be introduced. I'm in the 'later' and not 'sooner' camp. I understand your rationale YAH. Different strokes for different folks.
The other issue is when the parents disagree on the 'sooner' or 'later' question......How should that be handled to cause less distress to the kids. In this arguement, nolonger, I believe your ex gave up the right to object on this when he immediately introduced the skank.
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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Thanks for the replies. Clearly it is an issue that needs to be carefully considered.
The dinner was an introduction to the man I'm with, not the beginning of constantly having him over when my kids are with me.
My time with them is just that. MY time with my kids and I want no division of my attention when they're here.
This summer, tho, my time with the kids means being on the boat all day on most days. Surely the kids will enjoy another adult to help all of us out and learn to wake surf board and ski and all that.
I don't really see a difference in having him be there or having another friend be there. It's not like anything inappropriate happens.
I guess my point is, when I introduce my kids to my bf, we all consider the meeting more like, "Here's my new friend". There is no pressure for the kids to like him and there are many benefits to having a companion join in on the fun. Not planning on remarrying takes a lot of pressure off and weirdness out of the situation.
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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I don't introduce my kids to the few people I've dated. THe first guy I dated after the divorce intriduced himself to the kids.
WHen he decided he didn't want to date someone with little kids, it hurt. BUT, it hurt them more because all of a sudden he wasn't involved in their lives anymore. THey still ask about him.
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nolonger
enthusiast
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
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Update: The kids are very comfy with the "friend". They know he's my boyfriend, but they also don't care either way because they know they have a dad, this guy won't move in with us ever, and for the most part, he just comes to visit and have fun, just like any other friend of mine. So far, no problems or complaints.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9815
Loc: Arkansas
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My only comment is that if you weren't ready to introduce your kids to your date, then they probably shouldn't have known you were dating. And I'd be careful to call a man you've dated for 2 months your boyfriend.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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