paw67
recently joined
Reged: 05/17/10
Posts: 6
|
|
Hello everyone. I'm new here. Have been reading a lot of posts but this is my first time posting.
My ex & I started dating my senior year in highschool. He was 2 classes behind me although we were only 11 months apart in age. We married a year after he graduated high school. We waited a few years before having kids but eventually had 3 boys (they are now 16, 14 & 12). After our 2nd child was born I became a full-time stay-at-home mom.
Life was pretty good along the way. We had our ups & downs like everyone but overall I was content with life. 4 years ago after 17 1/2 years of marriage he tells me he has feelings for a woman he works with & doesn't know what to do about it(she too was married but unhappy in her marriage). We talked for awhile about it and let it drop for a little while. He had an affair the first year we were married with a co-worker. I forgave him and we worked through. He promised it would never happen again & I don't believe it did. That was his reason for telling me up front what he was feeling. A couple of weeks later we talked about his feelings again & he told me he needed to see what it was all about. He didn't want to hurt me & the kids but he felt the need to pursue his feelings.
We decided to seperate at that time. Within 1 month they were dating pretty steady. 2 months he bought her a new car & an engagement ring. All this time he would come home to visit the kids & want to get back in my bed. For a little while I fell for it thinking I would do whatever he wanted to get him to come home.
3 months after we seperated he received notice of a job transfer. He would be moving 1200 miles away. We talked and he said he was taking her with him. Again I was devastated although not suprised. At the time he moved he purchased webcams so he could stay in touch with the boys. He thought seeing them live on webcam would help to ease the pain of him not being there.
After he moved the boys only saw him 1 or 2 times a year because of the distance. He also did not use the webcam like he said he would. They were lucky if he got on their once or twice a year after the initial first month or 2.
He received another job transfer which put him even further away. They also had 1 child during the first 2 years and in the last 6 months they had their 2nd.
In November 2009 he lost his job and has yet to find another one. At Christmas he was coming for a visit & instead informed his entire family they had moved back to the area instead. He is now only 45 minutes away.
I had filed for divorce when he got transferred the first time. I figured if he was taking her with him there was no hope & since he wasn't going to file I was. I filed pro se at the time. After the initial filing and us taking our parenting classes the state requires nothing more happend on the divorce. After he moved back to the are I decided it was time to finalize things. I retained an attorney and got the ball rolling. He reluctantly signed the papers (said he didn't like the fact it was so "final") and the divorce was final in April 2010.
Prior to this in the 4 years we had been seperated he had never taken the boys overnight. He would just come over and visit for a while and then leave. He decided he would start taking them every other weekend. I was a little worried at first but thought it would be nice & give me some time. I'm working full-time attending school full-time & raising 3 teenagers I figured I could use the time. This past weekend was the 3rd weekend he has taken them & it was very hard for me.
On Saturday it was all I could do to make myself get out of bed. I just wanted to cry and sleep all day. The feeling of loneliness and also a little bit of anger was overwhelming. He gets to take them and have "fun" and I get all the hard work and discipline. It's a little frustrating after all this time & he now wants to be a part of their lives. I'm happy he wants to spend time with them I'm just having a hard time adjusting to it. Not sure if this is normal or if I'm being ridiculous. It seems like I get to do all the "parenting" and he gets to have the fun.
Sorry this is so long just needed to vent. Any thoughts or suggestions are appreciated.
Patty
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
|
|
You're right. It's not fair that he gets the fun times. On the up side though your kids are a little older and they KNOW who has been there for them all this time. The anger is normal too. Here you are busting your butt for 4 years trying to do everything 2 parents normally would. Add to the fact that you never really had time to go through the normal divorce grieving process and it's all hitting you at once now.
I remember what you're feeling as I went through the same thing when I first divorced. I know it's hard to enjoy that alone time when you've never had it but in time you will come to treasure it. As a parent, a full time employee and a full time student you need some down time. Rather than face that vast amount of alone time every other weekend schedule it out. Put in time to work on your home work, a little time to have lunch with a friend or just go window shopping alone. Schedule time to sit and watch a chick flick and eat as much chocolate as you can without puking (or until you do. It's YOUR weekend) ;o). Schedule a long bubble bath with no one screaming MMMMMOOOOOOOOMMMMMM, or get a mani/pedi. Yes I have multiple kids too (4) all girls so i don't even get to go to the bathroom alone! Grrrrr
I guess what I'm saying is that alone time doesn't have to be "lonley" time. If you break it down into blocks of things you want to do it won't seem so insurmountable. It took me a long time to get used to it and then when I finally started enjoying that quiet time I had a little one and now I'm NEVER alone!
Chin up. We've all been there and can relate.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
|
|
Hi Patty,
Gosh I feel your pain in many ways... the willingness to compromise even yourself hoping to keep the one you love with you, the gradual, spirit rendering realization that no matter what you do the relationship in terms of true 'two become as one' is over, watching that person give to someone else what should have been yours exclusively... its a terribly painful and self concept destroying process. Add the kids feelings to it and it becomes even more difficult and scary.
I had the unrealistic fear, even though my sons were young men at the time, that I would somehow lose them as well to the entire ordeal. That caused more fear than anything in the process of the divorce. I knew that they knew I loved them and would stand with them through anything but I still felt the powerlessness also understanding that the best I could do was influence... it was their decision to make about how they were going to view me. I made a very deep decision that I was going to continue to love them and parent as I believed was truly the right way rather than get into any sort of competition (I'm not suggesting you are, I'm just sharing my experience here). I knew that competition between parents never really works in any way but providing kids more control over my self concept than is healthy. I'm really glad that I chose to go that direction.
As much as this is going to hurt, I think most kids need their parent(s) to feel complete and tend to move in that direction regardless of what we as parents think. When one is absent they feel that absence unless the hurt in the departure is so extraordinary that the anger supplants the outward need to feel loved. That said, if they make a decision to continue to develop their relationship with him it does not mean that they love you less though he will get a share of their time. Unless he's had a significant change of heart, his history suggests that he will not be able to consistently be there for them because his own needs will get in the way. They'll need you, the consistent, loving, nurturing, and disciplinarian you, for the security to accept his changes and still know that they are loved.
I don't know that I have allot of suggestions... most of mine are 'manswers' haha. I don't know that you'd enjoy going fishing as much as I do haha but I liked allot of Debi's suggestions. I'll add that I turn to the spiritual side of things during tough times... not just prayer (which is a private thing to me)... I live in a small town in Minnesota, sitting on my front steps late at night feeling the warm breeze on my face and listening to night sounds brings me comfort. Learning that tears do not mean weakness and some need to be shed to clear the mind, that its okay to have them in joy as well as pain helped a great deal. I spent a great deal of time working, writing, listening to music. I tried to look for things that helped me feel gratitude even when the pain of divorce was the most unbearable.
Fellowship with people who are not judgemental and have been where you are is a remarkable asset. I have been fortunate to find those folks as well... there are allot of them here actually.
Thanks for sharing your situation. Talking back and forth helps all of us :). Keep us posted about how you are doing.
Curt
|
bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
|
|
Dear Paw67,
I know it is incredibly corny, but I do "feel" your pain. Although my situation was considerably different from yours, I have to admit that whenever my children (and they are all grown) are with their father and his new wife, I feel the stab wounds of pain that seem rather exclusive to the divorce process. I can't stop the feeling altogether, but I have learned that fighting it (not accepting the pain, trying to "rationalize" away my deep feelings of hurt, and ruminating about it), is the worst way to deal with it. The best way I have found is to tell a person who you can confide in (and it can be this DS board, as a matter of fact) so that you can let it out and then, ultimately, let it go.
The feelings that you have are natural and normal. It is difficult for everyone, I believe, to watch their children love and be fond of someone who has hurt you and in a larger sense, hurt your family. But, children are more resilent than we are and their "forgiveness" or loving is separate from ours. I guess that is a blessing.
I think Debi and Curt's remarks were right on. You are new to this experience, so for awhile it might hurt way more than certainly you want. But, I think planning to spend some time (not alone probably), but perhaps going out with friends is the best way to deal with it. You will need to vent your feelings sometimes and I think you've been holding them back probably for years, just going along and being a good Mom.
I am going to say to you what some people said to me many years ago, but I didn't quite understand the advice at the time -- let him go -- you deserve so very much better. Don't waste your time and/or your thought processes on what was or what you wanted it to be. You have so much to offer the world, so discover yourself again and start enjoying your life.
Take care -- we are all supportive of you. Bacall
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
|
|
"I live in a small town in Minnesota, sitting on my front steps late at night feeling the warm breeze on my face and listening to night sounds brings me comfort."
In Minnesota, that's what 3 weeks of the year? ;o) Just kidding, I'm in WI so here it's only 4. I do like that idea....communing with nature, or if you're not into listening to the night sounds you can always take a good book out there. As for fishing? Why not. I like to fish although it's been awhile since I've done it and I don't clean the yucky things (yeah I'm girly) but I don't even mind putting the worm on the hook. I think your ideas are as good as mine, Curt!
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
paw67
recently joined
Reged: 05/17/10
Posts: 6
|
|
WOW...thank you so much Debi, Curt551 & bacall. You have all given me some great advice & things to think about.
It is really difficult to talk to friends who have never been divorced. They can be there for you but the just do not understand what you are going through or feeling at the time. Only someone who has been there really gets it.
Being here with people that have been there before or are going through it sure helps. You are all so supportive and help me to realize what I am feeling is normal.
Thanks again!!
Patty
|
Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
|
|
Debi hahaha some years we get 4 weeks too but you can never tell what season they will arrive hahaha. I catch and release most of my fish. I was the only one in th family that enjoyed eating them. I can understand why you think my ideas are as good as your haha its because more than half of the time THEY ARE THE SAME IDEAS!! (haha).
All joking aside, finding out that women often hold the same values, enjoy some of the same things, share similar beliefs as men generally do without giving up tenderness or their willingness to experience, has been both comforting and refreshing. I'm still not certain that you all can be 'figured out' haha but at least there is hope for compatability haha.
Patty; there are allot of good people here :). I am fairly new but I have thoroughly enjoyed the support I've received from posting as well as from reading the wisdom that exists in past discussions in this forum. Allot of good people have been hurt through divorce and allot of good people are recovering, including you :)
Welcome to the forum :),
Curt
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
|
|
Curt,
It's ok if you never figure us out. I don't think that's meant to happen. I once mentioned to a male friend (from this board as a matter of fact) that I would never understand men. His response was "debi, half the time we don't understand ourselves. How do you think you ever will?!" I think that goes both ways. Yes, you and I do tend to have the same ideas a lot of times. I told you before to get outta my head. No one in their right mind would willingly be there!
Patty,
I've been here a long, long time. First after (well during really) my divorce and then 5 years later when a long term relationship ended against my will. In all honesty I never really left because I have always hoped I'd be able to help someone else who needed it. When I first came here the format was different and I can remember spending some long nights with other regulars just being goofy. Eventaully some of would go to chat rooms and out "talk" each other. You're right it DOES help.
Even real life friends who have been through it don't always get it and you hate to complain to them all of the time because well you have to face them. I'm really sorry that you have a need to be here but I'm glad you found this site and especially this board. It can be a comforting group.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
BlueBlondie
recently joined
Reged: 05/19/10
Posts: 3
|
|
I just wanted to say that my parents were divorced when I was young and my father was a Disneyland Dad for awhile -- and it pissed me off! I always knew that my mom was there for me in the bad times as well as the good. Now I'm divorced and I feel that stab of jealousy, but my kids are always so grateful to come home to a snuggle they trust and know is genuine. I won't kid you that there will be times when your kids threaten to go live with their dad in order to get their way (I did), but they don't mean it at all!
|
Fishergirl
addict
Reged: 12/06/08
Posts: 469
|
|
I really liked Debi, Curts and Bacalls responses. It is good to know that you arent alone in this. I have the same thing as well. It's tough. I know what its like to spend your life trying to raise well balanced teens, help them keep their homework done and keep everyone fed and clothed and then see them all go over to dads for a weekend of no rules, no chores, and all fun. I try not to gringe when they come home and tell me about all the expensive places they go all weekend and I dont say anything about the fact that he hasnt paid his child support or any of the medical either.
I will say that for me I have to kinda gear up for my weekends or longer summer trips that the kids are gone. I try and make a mental list of things that just I can do or that I would really find relaxing. I will say that Im a woman who loves fishing lol - I love that Im alone out in nature and can relax and just soak up the sun (and hopefully catch some fish!) but even if all I have planned is catching up on housework I add a few relaxing things for me as well like turning on some music that I like, working on some craft projects, reading a book or just sipping a margaritta with my grandma (she is sooo funny). Otherwise if I dont I somehow spend the whole time focused on missing the kids. I end up crying and cleaning their rooms the whole time. so lame.
Just try to think of it really as recharging your batteries so you can be a better parent when they get back.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
