taylor211
recently joined
Reged: 05/14/10
Posts: 2
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Hi,
I am so happy to find a web-forum like this. Although i have plenty of support from friends and family, there is no one I feel like I can really confide in and trust at this point. I've been threatening divorce from my husband for years but now I think I am going to follow through.
We've been dating for 10 years, married for 5 and have a 15 month old daughter. It comes down to a financial decision for me. I have ALOT of debt, graduate school and credit card. My husband feels I need to pay it all off by myself (i agree) while contributing equal to our family bills (i don't agree). He doesn't understand nor care to listen when I tell him that I can't afford it, just yells at me that people in my professional position should be making more and I need to contribute what he feels is right. In the meantime, credit card companies are calling and i am late on payments. I work full-time and will be increasing my salary in the next year but I am behind payments now and he doesn't seem to understand how to work together.
My question is this: he is going to be a complete ass**** when I leave. He has a "Neapolitan complex" and will feel very threatened, "devastated." Has anyone else had a husband like this? Anger management/control issues- intelligent but also very selfish... what am i in for?
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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First of all, talk to your credit card companies, explain to them your financial situation, and arrange for a payment plan (they are usually open to a discussion regarding a payment plan when they understand your situation) - instead of falling behind in your payments as that will affect your credit rating and you don't want that to happen.
As for your husband - if you are thinking of leaving, and your post tells me you are - make sure you have a safe place to go to BEFORE you leave. Plan ahead if you are sure about leaving. Put a little money aside (do not wipe out the bank account clean - be fair).
It is very difficult to know in advance how a man will respond - and you do NOT want to take any chances. I have seen the mildest of men turn ugly when their wives wanted to leave.
You have a precious little child to take care of. Get help from your close family and friends.
I wish you all the best.
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Well... I guess since you're still in the 'almost ready to make a decision mode', I have a few questions. Do you love him? If the answer is no and you believe it will remain no then I agree with VanajaGhose. If the answer is yes the I would ask about budget counseling and professional help. If he refuses then he refuses but if you love him and there is a possibility to explore change, personally, I'd opt for the chance things might change. I'm not in your shoes of course so I may be completely off here.
I might be a minority in this but I believe if there is a reasonable chance to save a marriage then people should try to do so. If there is no chance then moving in a direction that would most likely result in both parties making a clean break without being completely broken personally is the best goal.
Just an opinion :) not a law :)
Curt
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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I might be a minority
I don't think you are. I HATE hearing about people divorcing or considering divorce. I think barring abuse (physical mental or emotional) and infidelity people should try to work things through. Love changes over the years and a loss of passion doesn't have to mean the end. I think so many people are worried about "instant gratification" that they can't see things will change later. ......Original poster......none of this is directed at you so please don't be offended.
One of the best quotes I ever heard.......;I don't remember where it came from but someone asked a couple in their 80's who had been married for 60 years how they had managed to stay together all those years. The wife answered "The trick is to make sure you never hate each other at the same time". I think there is a lot of truth in that.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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"the trick is to not hate each other at the same time" ROTF That is hilarious and true hahaha!
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taylor211
recently joined
Reged: 05/14/10
Posts: 2
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Original poster here ... thanks for your thoughts! It's a VERY hard decision to make and I agree that it's not one to be taken lightly. Up until now my husband was not interested in individual therapy but this week he said he would try. I think he is coming to realize how much anger I have at him for the years of mental abuse and how ready I am to leave. I have a safe place to go and money stashed away and I am meeting with an attorney in June.
He says he wants to change and will do anything it takes to save our marriage. I know I should have left him years ago, before we had our child but there is nothing I can do now. I have to evaluate if I can love him again and he needs to see whether he can be nicer consistently.
thanks for the comments!
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