Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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I haven't really talked to many people about this but the ones I have, have related that they too had experienced dreams about their ex. I didn't have dreams, that I remember, the first year of the divorce but from about the middle of the second year to as near as a month ago, I've had dreams... nightmares really, that are opposite what you would imagine a nightmare to be. The dreams have my ex and I getting along, enjoying time together, experiencing a deeper sort of love. At first I awoke confused about how I felt which progressed to waking up angry I was having them. Now, though it occurs very rarely, I just accept that they occur and go about my business as usual. They do trigger those waves of meloncholy which have also been less and less through the years.
I would not have expected this to be one of the after affects of divorce. I guess I should have. Am I alone in this?
Curt
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BlueBlondie
recently joined
Reged: 05/19/10
Posts: 3
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Not at all! I get the same kind of dreams every once in awhile. I think we all secretly hope that it would work out in the end. After all, no one really wants divorce in general. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you want the ex back. It just means that you want a loving relationship and partner in life; you hoped that would be the case, but you will find it again someday -- and that's GOOD thing.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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You are definitely not alone. I like to think it's a sign of healing. You get to a point where you can remember that there were good times and thats ok. after all you were in love once.
I think it also happens when there is someone else you're thinking about. It's like you subconsoiusly compare your x to the other person (whether good or bad) and when your brain relaxes enough you are able to see that there were good parts to your relationship.
I don't know maybe all of my thoughts are non-sense. (More than likely they are), but i try to keep a positive out look. Life has enough hurdles.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Thanks for commenting BlueBlondie and Debi. I've been thinking its a sign of healing as well. I hadn't thought about it indicating an interest in someone else haha. My subconscious is as unpredictable as I can be though haha. I've argued with it before and the darn thing always catches me sleeping haha.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this yet I'm sorry you two have had to deal with it as well.
Thanks again for commenting :)
Curt
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Well I don't know if it's indicating an "interest" in someone else, but just thoughts of someone else. It could be a co-worker, or someone you just ran across, or someone you know casually.
I'm not "entirely" sorry I have to deal with it. I think some of the dreams helped me to remember some of the good times. And for the record I rarely if ever dreamt of my XH. The dreams I have had have all been about my XSO. I have theories about that too. :o)
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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My thoughts while reading about your dream were that it sounds like your subconscious wants you to lose any remaining anger about your ex so that you can move forward into a deeply loving relationship.
Not that I enjoy hearing of your suffering, Curt, but it does make me happy to hear a man emoting. Nice to know that guys who can talk about their feelings and their wants/dreams do exist out there.
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Thanks Debi and Finz :)
Debi - Ya it could be thoughts. There have been a few times I've thought about what it would be like to establish a relationship with someone I knew or recently met. It's a completely different way of looking at someone when you quietly consider how a relationship would be with them... I've tried to keep the looking in terms of friendship but I'll catch myself every now-and-again wondering. So... maybe that is whats going on. I am gradually more open to establishing a longer term relationship again.
Finz - I've let go of most of it. As odd as this is going to sound, the part that remains catches me off guard. I really don't think I have any anger left but something will come up and it will aggravate me... like the fight baiting that occurred earlier. I think there is the smoldering sort of anger, which I think I'm over except maybe unconsciously, and the reactive sort of aggravation that comes with something occurring in the present that shouldn't be happening because the divorce is over.
Related to being open about feelings, thank you for the compliment :). I feel better being transluscent rather than stuffing feelings and pretending that I'm not human haha. I appreciate your comments :).
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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"I've tried to keep the looking in terms of friendship but I'll catch myself every now-and-again wondering. So... maybe that is whats going on."
Ewwwww. I do that too! It's got to be a huge no-no, but I think it's normal. I don't know if this has happened to you but I'll catch myself wondering and then that person will do something that makes me realize I had it ALL wrong.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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VanajaGhose
newbie
Reged: 11/14/09
Posts: 40
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Believe me, there are more men out there than we realize, who open up and talk from their hearts! It's a shift that I've noticed.
I don't know too much about dream interpretation, but I've heard people say that dreams are a subconscious desire - and not necessarily about the characters in the dream. It's more about the message - which sounds like you are getting ready for a future that includes a relationship.
I heard Wayne Dwyer speak last weekend about making sure that the last 5 minutes just before you sleep, are of thoughts that contain what you want - good thoughts, your intentions for the life you want to create, your dreams etc. Those thoughts then marinate (!) while you sleep for the next 7 or 8 hours. How cool is that!
Warm regards,
Vanaja
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Ready To Complete Your Past and Move Forward Powerfully?
DivorceRecoveryBlueprint.com
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Vanaja Ghose
Professional Life Coach
DivorcedToDazzling.com
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Contour
newbie
Reged: 06/26/10
Posts: 41
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My dreams of my ex are always good. In one, I dreamed she was packing her things, she handed me a bunch of stuff out of the fridge and asked if I wanted them, and I said "I am going to miss having (term of endearment) around" and was crying in the dream. In real life we were not divorced or separated yet. That whole day, I was wishing I could just die.
But yeah now in dreams it is about us moving into our old place, or driving down the road, or just doing whatever we did. Never any hate, arguing, just peaceful.
I think even in the worst case divorces, we have wishes of what might have been.
I do know when we first "verbally" divorced, I was excited, happy, and was sleep-dreaming of how great single life would be. Over the next 4 months, the hurt just started building more and more.
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