Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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I've shared a bit of my divorce including discussing my relationship with my x on this forum. She left in October 2005 with her new sweetheart. After leaving she waited a very long time to file, once filed, she pressed to keep the separation going for two years until I pressed the court to cause at least mediation to occur. I can understand, because of the financial incentives, why she would drag out the process before. She also completed the final exchange of property (3 pieced of property... a lamp, cup, and bowl... last month. These were the last pieces left in the mediation agreement. It just took me that long to get her to do the exchange. I am completely settled with all of that. I wish her well in reality.
She is now simply refusing to sign validation that the exchange occurred and that the mediation/divorce requirements are completely satisfied. She is refusing to sign the validation. It wouldn't be a big deal to me but the language of the mediation states that all of the property agreed upon has to be settled for the mediation agreement to conclude or the settlement could be revisited; we remain divorced but all of the property settlement can be legally set back to the initial negotiation. She did not get any part of my business because of her own income and the combination of how much I paid in settlement. I sent 3 letters, actually envelopes containing a self addressed envelope and a signed copy of a validation that the exchange occurred to the satisfaction of both parties but she is still refusing to sign. Monday I will send a certified letter and contact my attorney.
What I don't understand is that someone would leave a long term marriage to be with someone else then drag out the conclusion of the relationship for five years with seemingly no intent to truly end the relationship.
Personally, I feel stuck, unsettled, and I feel awkward looking at being with someone else when this is still hanging out there. I know that she is trying to punish me but I have no idea for what... her own decision to leave? It seems like its just to remain in control and continue the aggravation. Its such a waste of energy to do that... I just don't understand it and want to move on.
Anyone else gone through something like this? If so, what did you do ultimately?
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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WEll, I'm not nor did I go through this. My divorce was final from start to finish in 6 months. (Actually ended 9/11/01--how's that for appropriate???)
But I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said that this is about control. She can't control you anymore, she got what she wanted and the grass isn't greener (it just never is), and you're aren't begging and pleading with her to come back to you. (what woman doesn't want to be wanted or fought over by multiple men at least at some point in her life?)
See, Curt, you've grown internally and you've moved forward from where you were. It's been a hard road and you've been to hell and back to get there but she probably doesn't know that. It's my experience that miserable people who are miserable of their own making want everyone around them to be miserable too. Not to mention that after a long term marriage she probably knows how to push your buttons and that you don't like loose ends. She'll probably do this as long as she can, although I imagine that after 5 years the sweetheart must be wondering why she's dragging her feet and remains tied to you in even this minor way.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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newandbetterlife
recently joined
Reged: 07/20/10
Posts: 12
Loc: Canada
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Hi Curt, it sounds a little like my soon-to-be ex. He ended it for another woman. And then refused to do anything to actually phyically separate the stuff, finances, and when we had the separation agreement ironed out....I had my lawyer draft it...he refused to sign it.
I eventually gave up (as for emotional reasons I need to be completely severed from him and do not want him anywhere near me in my life)....and filed for divorce without it. I am convinced that for him it is about power & control over me. I think he wants to dictate what I can and cannot do in my life that he refuses to be part of.
Good luck on getting the last papers signed. I completely understand the feeling stuck & unsettled without being able to finalize stuff....
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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After four years of her waffeling, and she's the one who left, I took her to court to force her to agree on final settlement. Two years before I bifurcated and got the divorce.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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SweetLight
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/07/10
Posts: 2003
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Hi Curt, I agree with the other posters, it's all about power and control. She's punishing you. Even though she was the one to end the marriage, she still has some power & control over you, even in this small way. What is the incentive, for someone wanting power and control over you, to let that go?
I understand you’re feeling in limbo. It’s very unsettling, when someone can be so uncooperative, purely for selfish reasons. It reminds me of someone’s tagline, “You never really know someone until you divorce them.” Hang in there, contact your attorney soon, be diligent, and see it through. Good Luck!
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Thank you for the responses. Curmudgeon our situation becomes more and more similar the more I read about yours. She left in October 2005 and refused to divorce until the end of September 2007... the week of my birthday haha. I had to petition the court to get any movement. Looks like I'll have to do it again.
I guess I should accept that divorce causes irrational behavior that simply cannot be fully explained AND it is fruitless to try to find an answer because in the end... the answer really doesn't matter. I don't really care what the reason is, I'd still want the marriage and relationship to be over. Its hard to believe, when I look back, that I'm actually writing this. I loved the woman to the depth of my essence at one time. I truly didn't want the divorce. Now... I just want it over with. Its long over due.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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That was me too, Curt. In the beginning I wanted to reconcile. By about six months into it I couldn't wait for the divorce to become final. In a way, her nastiness, punative approach and outright lies actually made it easier on me emotionally.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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would send her a letter asking her why she still feels attracted to you. After all, she has someone new to live her life with. Why does she want to remain tied to you?
Then I would offer to contact her SO to let him know YOU aren't dragging your feet, SHE is.
He probably wants to move things along with them and she doesn't and you are the scapegoat.
My ex left, 3 yrs later I had to nail his arse to get him to file. Hell, I couldn't afford it. I told him HE wants out, I wanted out. He better get going and finalise things. It STILL took him another year and until I threatened to let his 'fiancee' know he would not divorce me.
So he divorced me, I got engaged, he dumped the fiancee. Go figure!
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Hi KiwiGirl,
In the last letter, in a very nice way, I asked her why she was refusing to let go. I let her know that I would be willing to speak with her by phone to discuss any issue or listen to her concerns. I asked her to let me go and to enjoy her new life with the person she is in love with. She just refuses to sign the validation and does not respond to the letter. The attorney suggested I send another certified letter with the signature sheets and a self addressed envelope included to make it easy for her to respond back. I didn't send the previous one certified mail but did include the self addressed envelope. So... I'm doing that and waiting 2 more weeks for a response. If I don't get one I'll be asking the court's assistance.
We'll see what happens. Thanks for posting :)
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Curt551
journeyman
Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
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Debi,
I have to tell you I've been shaking my head about the irony of your divorce ending on 9/11. Equally ironic is that 9/11 is my x's birthday.
Curt
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