GuitarAndPen28
recently joined
Reged: 09/21/10
Posts: 2
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I'm hoping someone one this board can help me with some words of advice, encouragement, or at least, some direction.
I'm in the process of divorcing my wife of eight years. We have a four-year-old daughter, and they've moved out of state. I see the daughter on alternating weekends. I'm in a new home, I have the full support of a large group of family and friends, and I'm trying to move on with my life.
My problem is that the incident that precipitated the divorce was that my wife had an affair with an ex-boyfriend. She was unhappy in our marriage, she began an online affair with him via FaceBook and Skype, and eventually, when his business took him to the city where she worked, they arranged to meet for the specific purpose of sleeping together (I got this information from a source who got it directly from my wife). They met in his hotel room, and before they could go through with it, he backed away. He said that he loved HIS wife and child too much, and he couldn't bring himself to betray them--the way my wife was all too ready to betray me and our daughter.
As I said, our divorce is nearly done. We're going to court over a couple of issues that we haven't been able to agree on, but I don't expect that they're going to take that long to resolve. My problem is that the realization of her affair is gnawing at me incessantly. I don't know how she could have done this to herself, to me, to our daughter, to our family--not to mention the jeopardy into which she put the family of the ex-boyfriend, someone she purportedly cares about. What the hell was she thinking? How in the world could she do this?
Actually, I know a lot of the answers to these questions in my head. My heart, though, feels shattered, and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the tragedy of our lives being ripped apart just so my STBX could try to live out an adolescent romantic fantasy with an ex-boyfriend who, in the end, only wound up rejecting her for a second time (he broke up with her when they originally dated years ago).
Somebody please help me. I can't stop thinking about this, and I'm beating myself to a standstill while trying to apply rationality to the actions of an irrational person.
Thanks.
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newlife2day
recently joined
Reged: 09/16/10
Posts: 12
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You came to the right place. I wish there were words to take the pain away. It seems the best advice is to find a professional with experience in divorce counseling...someone who has experience working with people in similar situations.
Remember that you will get through this.
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CoachKaren
newbie
Reged: 09/27/10
Posts: 42
Loc: US
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I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and even though at this point it may be hard to believe, things will get better. I know how you are feeling. I was 3 months pregnant when I found out my husband of 10 years was cheating on me. I was devastated. I thought the same thing that you are thinking and I finally realized people do what is best for them or what they think is best. I won't lie, it did take a little time and soul searching to get past it but I did and the best part is that my life now is 100% better without him. I look back on it now and can't believe how much time and energy I took away from myself and my family to have thoughts about why he did what he did. My best advise to you is when you catch yourself doing it....picture a stop sign and tell yourself "no". You don't want to dwell on it because it will just make things worse. You sound like a great person and your life will get better. Start focusing on what you do have....your daughter. Also don't try to figure your ex out....it is not worth it. Just know that you are not alone. I wish you the best of luck with everything.
Karen
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Pls. visit me at BrokenHeartNewStart.com and pick up:
"30 Day Program to Heal Your Broken Heart"
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connie60
member
Reged: 08/27/10
Posts: 101
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I have also been in your shoes and it just feels as if your heart and guts are being torn apart. Ok, its up to you to get past this.
Stay busy, do some positive things in your life, take up hobbies, you are a good person, DO NOT LET HER PULL YOU DOWN TO HER LEVEL.
I have to remember this myself, every day, as i have been there also, and there again. Its an every day job to keep yourself happy and content.
We all have our stories, and we all have our pain, but you can get past this with dignity. Put it this way, we have many learning lessons in life, and some of them hurt us deeply to the point that we think we will never feel normal again.
Its up to you now!!! Will you continue to let her rule your heart or will you try your best to go on with your life and be happy??? You can be a bitter person, or you can be a happy person. Its hard work honey, every day work!!!!!
I am going through another divorce at this time, and it hits me hard at times. I have decided to enjoy the rest of my life as i know that i am a good person and i can do good in this world. Its normal to go through the pain and anguish, but, there has to be a point where you tell yourself, that is it.
Love yourself for who you are, enjoy every moment of life as we dont know how much longer we have on this earth. Dont waste your time on the heartache... its over...
Use your deep passion to help others, that is what i am doing and feeling much better about myself these days. By the way, i have only been separated for 2 months, and husband wants a quick divorce, after our 10 year mariage.
This was a huge shock to me, but, i wont let him suck the life out of me. I will not loose who i am because i am heart broken. I have to stay strong as you do.
Stay around people that love you and support you!!! dont let this ruin your life honey, please dont......
There are good people in this world that will love you for you!!!! thats where you need to be......
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opmojo
recently joined
Reged: 11/23/10
Posts: 2
Loc: Australia
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Hi guys, first post.
GAP28,
Dude, I've been where you are now. It's not an easy thing to get over. It took me years. I'm what most would consider a tough guy, and I remember crying myself to sleep some nights. I won't go into the gory details of my own situation but know that you're not alone.
Some women, like some men, just do this sort of thing. You've probably asked yourself "why didn't I pay more attention to her?", basically blaming yourself for it. I don't know your circumstances, so there may be an element of truth in the whole "didn't give her enough attention" thing. However, most cheaters are serial cheaters. There's nothing you can do about it and there's not much they can do about it short of full mental reprogramming. You could be the world's most perfect husband and father and still get cheated on.
There's a book I'm going to recommend you read called "Women's Infidelity - Living in Limbo" by Michelle Langley.
This book helped me a lot in coming to terms with what happened and why. It'll give you some great intel into the midset and help you to avoid this happening in your next relationship - and yes there will be a "next relationship", probably many.
Take it easy Brother, it won't be like this forever.
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connie60
member
Reged: 08/27/10
Posts: 101
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opmojo, you gave him some very good advice!!! The pain is horrible, but us as strong men and women can get through this. I know i was a good wife, i know i was taken advantage of, maybe i was to good. So, now i am good to myself!!!!! I have finally reallized that i dont need a man in my life to survive this world. This works both ways, man or woman.
I am going through my third divorce and realize now that i jumped into each one to quickly. With all of them, i realized soon after marriage that i had made a mistake, but did the best i could. With this third marriage i gave 10 years, 9 years to much.
My advice is, pamper yourself like you never have. You will have to work on your self -esteem, for sure. You have had the life sucked out of you, now its time to put it all back.
Its fine to morne your divorce, but at some point you have to get on with your life. As time goes on you will figure out that you learned a lot from your marriage, and it was not a waste of time. We all have different learning lessons in life, and divorce is one of the hardest.
Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are as i know that you are a fine person, dont let anyone take that away from you. You didnt do anything wrong, you where just with the wrong person, thats all.
Although i am in the middle of a divorce, i am proud of myself for getting out of a terrible situation. I put 10 years into it and i learned a lot. This has made me who i am today, and I am a good person as i always have been. I wont let the negative take me down.
We dont know whats ahead of us, but if we keep our pride and love ourselves, life will be good. Remember, what goes around, comes around!!!!!! Best of luck hun......
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