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lostnsd
recently joined


Reged: 10/14/10
Posts: 1
Not sure what to do
      #697823 - 10/14/10 01:54 PM

Hi all,

I kinda stumbled upon the site by googling "is divorce worth it" and came here. I decided to register and do some reading. Perhaps I am just looking to vent...I know I don't know where to turn...or even if I did how to get there. But I did feel the urge to type.

My wife and I celebrated(??) our 17th wedding anniversary this past September. But I'm too the point of just walking out and not looking back. She hasn't cheated...and for the record neither have I. Although if I had/were part of me feels like this would be a bit easier.

Oh man...how do I begin? When I got engaged...I had a co-worker tell me about the "love bank". Basically...it was make sure to make daily deposits into your "love bank" with your spouse...ensuring that the account never went dry...and that there were "funds" when times got tough. He and his wife were together for nearly 50 years at the time...and the way they looked at each other...man...you just knew that their love for each other was stronger and deeper than it was at the beginning. I took that advice to heart...and when my fiance (now wife) at the time met him...he talked about the "love bank" again.

I set about figuring out how to make my daily deposits. I made sure every day I told her what she meant to me. Unless I was out of town, she never had to worry about putting any gas into vehicles, whether maintenance needed to be done to them, or whether any bills needed to be covered. I worked shift work...so if I was working the evening shift supper was waiting in the frig. Because she hates mornings...I was always the first one up. If she needed a lunch for her work..I put it together. There were times I put "cute" notes in the lunchbox. I made suppers, cleaned...basically did whatever I thought would make her life just a little easier that day. Yeah...she was the center of my universe. One of my biggest joys was taking the time to send her flowers. Got my heart broke too many times by her saying "they were nice, thanks" that I don't do that anymore.

But in the last year or so I've realized that her "love bank" account is empty. There have been so many times when I've cuddled up to her only to be told "not tonight", "not in the mood", "don't feel good", "wrong time of the month", etc that I don't try anymore. The feeling of rejection just gets worse and worse. For anniversaries I get a card. She's told me at times she was just too busy to get something at the time, or we just didn't have the money. I try to make a point of pointing out "small" things leading up to our anniversary (or christmas, birthday, etc) that I would like. $10 DVD movies, a new chamois, etc. I don't mean to sound shallow. When I am looking for something for her for christmas/anniv/birthday...I put so much thought into it. I really try to find something that shows I put thought, attention and time into it. It doesn't have to be expensive, just that I paid attention to her. I don't get the same feeling back. There have been numerous times when I was told "just go get what you want" for your anniversary. I suppose must guys would be thrilled at that. I can't be. It just tells me that I'm not that important to her. Another example would be a couple of weeks prior to an anniversary...I get asked over and over "what do I want?". Too me...thats just the same as telling me to go get what I want. I just want to yell "listen to me". This past summer I was out driving around with my oldest daughter when she pulled into the local DQ and bought me an ice cream cone. When I asked why...she said it was for Fathers Day. I just cried. She doesn't work...so any money she has comes from babysitting, serving mass or funerals, etc. A $2 ice cream cone just rocked my world because it came from my daughters heart, because it was genuine. She couldn't understand why I cried and all I did was hug her and tell her how blessed I was to have her as my daughter. I hope that doesn't sound too hokey. My wife's actions on the other hand just tell me that she isn't listening to me. Her actions tell me that she just isn't physically interested in me anymore. I've started having a beer or two(really thats all) just to replace the pain I feel with general numbness. The numbness is better than the pain.

I know I need to sit down with her and throw this all out there. I tried that once...told her I don't know where I stand in her universe, that I feel like I don't have a wife or partner anymore...but almost like having a 3rd daughter. I honestly don't feel like she "has my back" and I take no joy from any of my accomplishments at work simply because it seems like I have nobody to celebrate them with. Things were ok for a couple weeks after that initial conversation...but have gone back in the crapper. If I were to tell her that I am thinking about divorce...she would cry and truthfully...that would just tear me up. But I just don't know how much longer I can keep dealing with the heartache and pain.

LostnSD


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d2njti
member
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Reged: 03/05/08
Posts: 187
Re: Not sure what to do [Re: lostnsd]
      #697902 - 10/14/10 04:40 PM

You missed part of Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders love bank. You make those deposits for your own joy of giving and without ANY expectation of return. Look (look really hard if necessary) to find those things your wife does that bring you joy, and take joy in those things frequently. Do not expect to change her, only how you feel about who she is.
If you're not experiencing violence, adultery, destructive behavior to your kids, then I can pretty much assure you that divorce will bring you more numbness and pain not less. If you do go that way, you will build a new and possibly better life given enough time, but it will be worse for probably a long time, and possibly a lifetime for your children.


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CoachKaren
newbie
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Reged: 09/27/10
Posts: 42
Loc: US
Re: Not sure what to do [Re: d2njti]
      #697918 - 10/14/10 05:31 PM

I'm sorry that you are feeling unloved right now. I know how that feels. You have to understand that many times people get so busy with life that they take people, especially their love ones for granted. Maybe if you and your wife took a weekend trip together to rekindle the love that you share. Also its important to remember that even though its nice to have someone to love and share things with.....you must never depend on that. If you do something great at work be happy for the sense of accomplishment in itself plus just thinking about the role model that you are being to your daughter.

I think that is awesome what your daughter did for you.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that things get better for you.
Feel free to go to my website and request the free 100 smiles program.

--------------------
Pls. visit me at BrokenHeartNewStart.com and pick up:
"30 Day Program to Heal Your Broken Heart"


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dmarzu
recently joined


Reged: 10/16/10
Posts: 2
Re: Not sure what to do [Re: CoachKaren]
      #698239 - 10/16/10 11:38 AM

Wow...wish my husband did all that. I work full-time and get absolutely no help. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. Of course, somewhere down the line its not all his fault because I let it happen. I realize that and don't blame him fully. Married 16 + years and at year 14 my mom got really sick, state 4 lung cancer. Her first round of Chemo put her in the hospital for 5 weeks. Every Friday and Saturday night I would spend the night with her in the hospital. Come home catch a shower, change and go right back. My mother is my support. All I have ever had besides my siblings. No father in the picture. Those 5 weeks were incredibly hard. I had a new job at the time and trying to manage both hard, but I did it. Those 5 weekends I was gone...May thru August..my husband did absolutely nothing. I was expected on Sunday nights to clean, cook and do laundry for the 4 of us. Two children still at home. Of course...he took care of the children while I was up at the hospital, but it was all fun and games. Took them out on the boat mostly...water skiing, fishing etc. Nothing got done at home..nothing. I was tired

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dmarzu
recently joined


Reged: 10/16/10
Posts: 2
Re: Not sure what to do [Re: dmarzu]
      #698240 - 10/16/10 11:50 AM

That's when I woke up and verbalized my frustration. He did not like that. It was MY job to cook, clean, take care of kids while he plays on the weekend. First in our marriage he did help me..he was great. What the heck happened? Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas you name it...he goes the day of to a store and picks something out for me..nothing I had mentioned I'd like to have etc. Very unthoughtful. But for his secretaries Birthday..he stopped at the store in the am got her a Birthday Card, a balloon, and breakfast parfait and MADE (he is a printer) a little card to put in the B-day card giving her off Friday afternoon with pay. (She was having a graduation party for her son that weekend and could have used the time off to prepare) and he knew this....HOW THOUGHTFUL is that? Nice guy hey. Too bad it wasn't me. Since I verbalized this, very different marriage..I am suppose to keep my mouth shut and be happy. Not happening. I am so unhappy. My kids see this and that upsets me the most. I don't know how to leave. There is 2 small businesses and a home involved. If we go thru the divorce process, he could lose his lively hood (the businesses) his only job ever..never worked for anybody but himself. I don't want that. I don't know what the businesses are worth...the house 300,000. I asked him to buy me out of all 3. 2 businesses and house. He has all for a small amount of 50,000. He can even have the boys with shared visitation. He makes out in the end right? He wont do it. We are both miserable. I don't know what to do.

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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6748
Re: Not sure what to do [Re: dmarzu]
      #698457 - 10/17/10 03:17 AM

Lost, I hope this joke is not too inappropriate for you, but please call me after you dump her ;-)

Or.....Do you have a brother ?

Okay.....Serious now......You don't sound like you are DONE. You sound very unhappy and like you are feeling unappreciated. She was receptive when you spoke with her before.....that's a really good sign. Has she talked about what she's feeling ? Would she be receptive to couples therapy ? Do the two of you still date and take alone time together ?

You've got a lot of history together and it's not to late to get it back. Try marriage counseling....work together to fix this.

Best wishes


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Curt551
journeyman


Reged: 03/23/10
Posts: 82
Re: Not sure what to do [Re: finz]
      #699084 - 10/19/10 01:04 AM

I agree with Finz. Marriage counseling. Being taken for granted is a tough situation. Not talking openly how you feel is tougher. It sounds like neither of you have really talked about how you feel or how you measure love in a marriage. A counselor can help you to do that as well as help you through the anger and hurt. Divorcing at someone is seldom the answer. I've seen too many people do that and end up still married to the anger and hatred for nearly as long as the time they were together. If nothing else, in the end the two of you would have a chance of amicably settling this.

Wishing you success.

Curt


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blueeyedgal
recently joined


Reged: 11/21/10
Posts: 6
Re: Not sure what to do [Re: Curt551]
      #708726 - 11/22/10 06:29 PM

A little late here but who knows.. it may still be helpful to someone..

I, too, subscribed to the "love bank" theory when I was married. I did EVERYTHING I could think of to make his life easier. I was that 50's wife that ironed underwear, made hot lunches and kept everything in the house running with the military precision.. and I did it so well, it looked effortless. Those are the things my father wanted.. so I assumed those were the things my husband would want.

But while I was fawning over his every word and serving him breakfast in bed every saturday, he apparently still didn't feel those deposits.

Meanwhile, he worked hard at his job, put in long hours, made scads of money which he used to purchase expensive jewelry that I never wore. We went on extravagant vacations where I sat and read quietly while he went from deck to deck hitting every bar and whooping it up. And I still didn't feel those deposits.

Why? Because we weren't speaking the same language. The things that made me feel loved were not the things that made him feel loved. I would have prefered snuggling on the couch and watching a movie to a trip to a five star restaurant. He would have prefered dancing til dawn rather than having a hot meal on the table when he got home from work. Sadly, I did not discover this issue until long ater things went from bad to irreparable. He found the "party girl" he was looking for and began a 3 year long affair. Knowing my forgiveness limitations, it was over as soon as I found out about that.

Would reading the love language book have saved my marriage? I have no idea. But I am certainly using the techniques I discovered in my new relationship... not taking any chances. lol Perhaps you should pick up two copies... one for you and one for her. Think of them as translation guides. lol


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