kjmil
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 19
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I hope someone can help me with this, Iīm still very much upset about it.
Some days ago my ex (of almost 2 years) and I brought our son (heīs 10) to school to see him off for a camp meeting with some of his classmates. Our 6 year old daughter went along too. Our son was pretty nervous because he had never done something like that before and he was a bit worried he might miss his home. He was also having trouble carrying a very heavy backpack, so I tried to help him with that. At this, my ex began to bully him around, sort of laughing in his face and telling him he shouldnīt join this activity if he wasnīt "man enough" to carry his backpack.
He has always been a bully and when we were together I sometimes had the feeling he wanted to hit me.
Anyway, when we got in the car I told him I thought he was being a bully and that there was nothing wrong with helping a kid to carry something heavy. His reaction was just terrible. He started shouting to me, saying I had no right to call him a bully, even insulting me (something the kids arenīt used to). It made absolutely no sense, he told me I was the one who is "nuts", and that the way I lead my life is proof of that. Now that was always his way of bringing me down when we were together, he loved to tell me I was a loser. He just made up reasons to make me feel insecure - because of my looks, or bacause I have a strong relationship with my parents, or because I used to earn less than him (on the occasions when I was earning a bit more he got furious, it was almost ridiculous).
Iīm not used to these attitudes of his anymore, but what concerned me most was that the kids got very scared. They were both holding back their tears when we came there (he shouted the whole way to school). It was the worst way to see our son off. I tried to tell him not to worry about it, that I was okay, but he didnīt want to express anything. His sister started crying and I think thatīs when my ex calmed down and tried to amend things with them. He told our daughter heīd take her to the movies later on but then I told him to forget about it, it wasnīt his turn to see them that weekend and I wasnīt giving her permission to see him in that state.
Luckily he had to go away soon after that. I was completely stressed out from all the verbal abuse, and also very angry.
He called that afternoon to apologise for his behavior, but still he insisted that the root of the whole problem is that Iīm overprotective with our son. I told him the root of the problem is his violence, and that there are different ways to make a child gain confidence and be independent, but that bullying is just not the right way. This completely took him by surprise and he said something like "Iīll have to work on that". So that mustīve been some kind of humiliation for him but it doesnīt erase the bad experience for me.
I still feel abused and angry and sad! I feel like I can never trust a man anymore - who knows if theyīre ever going to turn out violent like that?
Also, I donīt know how to help my kids deal with this experience. They donīt want to talk about it, and when I mention it they seem to be in denial.
Iīm very happy weīre not together anymore but I donīt know how this will affect our kids and how to help them with that.
Any input or advice will be greatly appreciated!
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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You still take money from this man every month, right ? So you deserve abuse, shut up and take it...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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kjmil
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 19
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Oh, donīt bother, youīre on my ignore list, I canīt see what you wrote.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Sorry you all had to go through this. I am a bit confused though. You all rode together to the drop off place? This is not something I would have done, travel anywhere together with an Ex who was always trying to bring me down. I would not give him that time in the car to possibly do that again. Maybe it's just me but I see a lesson to be learned here on what NOT to do in the future. I would travel separately. Never travel anywhere with your EX again. Don't give him any extra opportunities to do this.
I can't stand it when any parent puts down their kids, especially so in front of others and even more so, in front of their classmates. THis is not my idea of a man, or what anyone should want their child to become like as a man.
You explain to your kids that was not acceptable behavior, say you are sorry for them to have had to experience this and then take the high road and say maybe Dad was having a bad day and that you and they together will not be traveling with EX in the future. Tell them they can talk to you about it any time they want to. Then I would drop it with them and not bring it up again. they will come to you if they feel the need to.
If you feel you can't trust men for now, then perhaps it would be best to just enjoy being with your kids and on your own. It's possible that its for the best if your do not have a man in your life and this time. Your feelings may change in the future.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kjmil
recently joined
Reged: 04/18/10
Posts: 19
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Hi Karen
Thanks for your reply. Of course youīre right, I shouldnīt do anything with my ex, and I do try to keep our lives separated.
But perhaps I should explain that in all this time after our separation we had somehow managed to maintain some sort of civilized contact for the sake of the kids. This included things like behaving in friendly terms while attending schoolplays, birthday celebrations and that sort of thing. I do let him come inside my house when he picks up the kids. I mean, I donīt consider us to be friends, but we had succeeded in behaving in a civilized manner (though this doesnīt include his family or friends, whom I havenīt seen after the separation and do not intend to).
I think we were both making some kind of effort to avoid giving additional stress to our children. So in this context his outburst came as surprise and was quite a shock to me. I had seen him like this years ago when we were together, but not now. And certainly not in front of the children.
Meanwhile, I have talked to my son about it, he was the one to bring up the subject and I tried to explain that what his dad did was just not acceptable and that unfortunately some people have more trouble controling their temper. Iīm not sure what my youngest feels about it - she wonīt talk about it and I donīt want to press her - but as far as I can see she is a bit reluctant to see him at the moment.
Anyway, that is how things are, I guess I just wanted to vent a little, thanks for reading my post.
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