Eldog5150
recently joined
Reged: 11/20/10
Posts: 5
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Hey everybody, I'm new to the community. I hope you all can give me some perspective and advise as to how I should proceed in the seperation from my wife of 12 years. We have a 8 year old daughter that adds to the difficulties in this. My wife became distant and the relationship was suffering. I finally called her out on it. She told me that she doesn't love me anymore and that it isn't me but more to do with her. She said that she doesn't respect me anymore and doesn't find me attractive anymore either. This destroyed me. She now lives in an apartment very close to my house and we have a 2,2,3 schedule taking care of our daughter. She said that she needs time and space to figure out what she wants in her life. She said that at the end of this she may want to come back to me. She recently got on depression meds. Her life is imploding in all facets except for being a mom right now. I don't think there is anything to come back to. My problem is that we honestly want to be friends at some point. I know that I need the time and space to heel from this before friendship can occur. We txt each other, usually about our daughter and our shared financial situation. I also assist her in vehicle maintenance issues etc.. How can I get her out of my life and still be a co-parent with her? I feel she is getting to have a husband and do her own thing when she wants. Depression is something I have thought plagued her for a few years now. Is there anything to salvage in this?
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blueeyedgal
recently joined
Reged: 11/21/10
Posts: 6
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Hi,
Also new to the community and I can tell you from experience... the divorce process will take care of any "warm and fuzzy want to be friends" feeling... at least temporarily. Divorces are adversarial, by nature. And no one wants to be friends with their adversary.
You are where I was 2 years ago. I vascilated between being angry because I didn't want a divorce and feeling like I wanted to run two steps forward and "be friends" just to get past the pain. And I gotta warn you, once someone tells you they don't love you anymore, that's it.. that's all. And anything they add to that to give you hope of reconcilliation is nothing more than a balm for their guilt at hurting you. And the longer you hold on to that hope, the more damaged you are going to come out with in the end. Moving on now is the key.
My advice, file the papers, start the process.. and gird yourself for the worst experience of your life. It will end.. but not before it gets worse. The good news? You will live through it.. and probably come out on the otherside with wisdom you didn't have before.
Also, vehicle maintenance is not your job anymore. End it.. if you feel too guilty to just walk away, buy her a triple A membership and then wash your hands of the whole thing. Lest you think I just don't understand, I did his laundry and cut his hair for 4 months after he left me for a younger woman. lol And every time he "needed" me, I grabbed a little more hope and let go of a little more reality. lol
I started this journey as a stay at home mom with 3 kids, 2 minor and still living with me... no skills.. no money... and a great many years removed from my "prime." I was 44. I am now a college student working as a legal assistance (a skill I picked up by trying to save money by not hiring a lawyer.) Along the way, I was depressed, angry, homeless at one point, frightened, and even did a third shift stint at Walmart for a while to keep me and my daughters in the Budget Suites. lol I lost friends, a family that I had claimed for the entire 24 years of my marriage and loads of self esteem. But that's not all... I was also relieved, motivated and finally in charge of my own life. I made many new friends, found support in ways that surprised me and discovered a strength I never knew I had. It has been a helluva ride. lol
I would like to say that the bitterness on both sides ended when the divorce was finalized. I really would like to say that. lol But what did end was the uncertainty. It's over, the deals are made and the arrangements are signed by the family court judge. I still have some issues... particularly with security issues. And when those crop up, I tend to feel a twinge of bitterness. And he still has some control issues. Since the 24 year old he left me for dumped him before the divorce was even final, he'd like to go back to his position as "head of the family." And that is simply not going to happen so he looks for new ways to exert control over my life with my daughters. So, there is some tension there. But that tension is a damned sight better than the constant beating my self confidence took as he extolled the reasons I was not attractive, not lovable, not worthy of respect.
Bottom line, file the papers. As the two of you have already been utilizing a joint custody schedule, put that in your paperwork. This is the first step to moving forward and good luck to you. :-)
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Eldog5150
recently joined
Reged: 11/20/10
Posts: 5
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I really appreciate the input. I am 35 and back in school as well finishing up a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree. The timing of all of this is horrible. I am faced with a ton of things right now. I'd rather wait for my STBX to get the ball rolling on the divorce. She feels obligated to support me financially through the rest of my time at school seeing how I worked in the trenches to support her through school. What do you think the harm is in letting a year go by before filing? I'm just asking. Again, thanks for the input. Semper Fi.
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blueeyedgal
recently joined
Reged: 11/21/10
Posts: 6
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Instead of advising you as I know little about your particular situation, maybe if I relate some of the first hand stories I do know of, you may be better able to judge any possible negatives that would apply to you. :-)
As I said, I work as a legal assistant. I work in family law exclusively so I get to see a lot of crap. lol One scenerio I have witnessed goes as follows:
Same situation as yours in that the gentleman decided to wait as the wife had left open the possibility of a reconciliation. Finances were of concern for this couple as well as custody arrangements for two minor children. The man was unemployed, having been laid off. The woman had previously been a stay at home mom. She was also unemployed. He moved in with his brother, looked for work and spent as much time as he could with the kids. However, there was no place for the kids to sleep at his brother's house, so he only saw the kids during the day. Meanwhile, she continued to live at home with the kids.. claimed to be looking for work but didn't find any.
He enrolled in a tech school for welding hoping to improve his marketability. She also enrolled in school looking for a nursing degree. A number of months went by when they lost the house because they could no longer afford the mortgage. She moved in with a friend. And then asked if she could send the children to her mom's in CA until the two of them could get on their feet. He agreed.
As few more months went by. He finished welding school, found a job and was looking for an apartment when he received a summons. She had filed on him.. she claimed abandonment. Claimed he hadn't paid child support (he hadn't) and so she was forced to send the kids out of state. She claimed he wouldnt even take the children for overnight visitation so she could effectively look for work. (True.. but not for the reasons she stated.) She then stated she had qualified for a grant for school but it left her unable to have time to work enough hours to support herself and the kids. The motion went on to talk about her life as a stay at home mom... how he spent money to go to school instead of helping her feed the kids, ect... Lots of other stuff.
End result? She asked for primary physical custody based on de facto status. (She had been primary custodian since the split.) She asked for child support. She asked to be able to relocate to CA to be with her family. She asked for spousal support for 4 years while she finished her education. (When he countered he barely had money for himself, she trotted out "expected" incomes for certified welders and based her amount on that.) She asked that his visitation be restricted to no overnights until such time as she inspected his residence to make sure it was adequate.... And she got it all. In fact, the judge even awarded her costs and fees associated with the divorce. Why? Because she made it look like... and it certainly appeared that way on paper... that he abandoned the family and didn't file for divorce so he wouldn't be ordered to pay support. lol
So, I am not saying any of this applies to your situation. But it is representative of things that could go wrong by sitting in limbo. If, as she says, she feels obligation while you are in school, then perhaps the two of you could submit a joint petition? That would spell everything out so neither party is forced to trust the other to do what is right. What would happen to you if say, during finals week, she suddenly stopped feeling obligated? Legally, at that point in time, she isn't. And I don't know about where you are but here, the wait time to get into court to get ANY orders filed is about 3 months. A person could get awful hungry in 3 months. lol
I know it is hard to believe that the one person you trusted with your life is now not someone you should trust. Maybe she is, maybe she isn 't. But it is better all around if neither of you are put in the position where you HAVE to trust the other. It is all there in black and white.
Just remember, once a man and I promised to love each other til death. We don't anymore.... and neither of us are dead. People change... and you never know what changes might be ahead. It is better if anything having to do with financed and custody are decided now between the two of you... for the good of both of you.. than it is to wait until someone starts feeling bitter or resentful.
Keep in mind that any situation that occurs for 90 days or more in a judge's eyes is usually status quo. Meaning, she has the child more often than you... either of you give the other any money regularly, ect.. And judges adore the status quo. lol
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Eldog5150
recently joined
Reged: 11/20/10
Posts: 5
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The only status quo occuring is that we currently share income and equal time and responsibility with our daughter. Neither one of us have asked the other for anything but consideration with our own budgets and covering the other if something conflicts with the care of our daughter. We both live in NW Arkansas and I have found that no-fault can only occur after 18 months of no-cohabitation. I think the STBX has processed things that far ahead. I am faced with a tough decision to try to finish the 1 1/2 years left of school or take a semester off to reset. I just don't know how that decision will affect the decisions made during the actual divorce. Any thoughts on the matter would greatly be appreciated. I also decided to go to counseling. I'm strong enough, but smart enough to know I need outside help as well. Thanks so much. Semper Fi.
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