lynnramsoto
recently joined
Reged: 10/15/10
Posts: 9
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Rough day. Rough weekends when the kids aren't here. I must be in the final stages of grief. I feel nothing but depression. Denial-check, anger-check, bargaining-check. I bounce from depression to denial at times but the denial is only when he calls me and is super sweet to me and pays me compliments. Wish that would stop but the conversations begin with the children. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. And with winter here, ugh. This will be a long winter for sure. I just keep thinking.. summer summer summer. I'll get through the winter months and then I'm sure I'll be free again. Thanks for listening.
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Eldog5150
recently joined
Reged: 11/20/10
Posts: 5
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Final stages of grief? What do you mean by bargaining? I am two months into a separation and everything is new and horrible for me right now. Speaking of the conversations leading into inappropriate areas after a break-up, I just started not answering my wifes phone calls and wait for a voicemail or txt. Both of those channels of communication allow me to control the dialog and my emotions. I look forward to the summer as well. I plan on attending my Marine Corps. unit reunion in Las Vegas in May. I think the important thing about feeling alone is just not "being alone", make plans to be around the people that do honestly care about you. Not sure how I'm going to deal with the STBX and our 8 year old daughter. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just don't know if I can fake the funk for the "family" sake. Good luck, you're not alone... Semper Fi.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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Not to be a downer, but you know the depression part can last for years and years, right ?
I hope that's not the case for you.....only time will tell, but I think putting pressure on yourself to get over it justs makes it harder.
And a gentle reminder......."summer summer summer. I'll get through the winter months and then I'm sure I'll be free again" IS bargaining. You might not be as far along as you hope you are.
Just give it time........
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blueeyedgal
recently joined
Reged: 11/21/10
Posts: 6
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Hello :-)
Compared to the first two posters, I am a veteran. lol I am a year and a half past .... dun, dun dun... THE END. And I have to tell you, things are not really that bad. And each day, it gets easier. Of course, you can't tell that it is getting easier until you look backwards. lol
If I may offer two thoughts I found invaluable then... and now, actually. The first is "Everything is exactly as it should be right at this moment." That was a tough one for me. I couldn't believe that the horror I was enduring was "meant to be." But it must have been. Because any one missed step... good or bad... would have kept me from where I am right now. Promising future, wonderful relationship, a feeling of freedom and self assuredness - I wouldnt be willing to trade any of these things away even if it meant getting rid of the pain.
The second thought - "Take control." While the divorce may or may not have been your idea, the fact is it is now out of your control. These things take on a life and time of their own that you have to separate yourself from to move forward effectively. And you WILL move forward, you have no choice. But you CAN choose how you will move forward. Allowing the other persons words and actions dictate what you feel, say or do is giving THEM that control. He is not the only person out there that will compliment you given the chance. So, if his compliments are a double-edge sword that keeps you from dealing with the divorce in a way that you are comfortable with... don't accept them. As our marine buddy suggests, use other means of communication.
I can relate to loneliness.. even living in Vegas where there is something to do at all hours couldnt keep it at bay. lol What I had to learn is to be comfortable with my own company. The first Christmas morning I spent without my kids was probably the lowest point in my life. But I set aside 15 minutes to feel what I was feeling - pity. To cry about it.. and then when the buzzer went off, I dried my eyes, put on my makeup and drove up to the mountains. When I returned home, I put on my comfy clothes and curled up with a good book. Oh, and I had homemade fudge for dinner. lol As sad as it was not to have my kids home, there was something nice about being able to do exactly what I felt like doing and eating something for dinner I would have never allowed them to eat. lol
Every holiday since then has gotten easier and easier. The kids get twice the fun and I actually look forward to a little down time. And on those days when you just don't think you can deal with it... these boards and others like them are just a click away. :-)
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Eldog5150
recently joined
Reged: 11/20/10
Posts: 5
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Amazing insight as we go into the holiday season. I am choosing to experience the emotions that occur rather than suppress them. Making plans to do something while my daughter is over at the other family is a must. Thanks again for the wisdom. Semper Fi.
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bajajo
recently joined
Reged: 11/28/10
Posts: 1
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My children are grown, and the house is so empty at this time of year. Everyone is so busy, and no time.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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"Everything is exactly as it should be right at this moment."
I think that's a great philosophy !
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connie60
member
Reged: 08/27/10
Posts: 101
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Take your time and go through the grief now, all of this is very normal and will last a lifetime, somewhat. divorce is worse than loosing a loved one to death, as this person is still alive. Many divorces have no closure and that is very hard to deal with.
When you have children to share, this can make things much harder. Go ahead and deal with the feelings, take a hot bubble bath and cry your eyes out, read a good book, make plans with a friend. All of this is normal and you have to go through the process of it all.
Take care my dear, you need to think of your health at this point. The day will come where you will feel much better and able to cope.
Like Finz said, everything is as it is supposed to be. Take a deep breath, you are not alone my dear. I am also dealing with the same thing.
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sabor35
recently joined
Reged: 12/14/10
Posts: 3
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I can relate to my first divorce since that lasted 13yrs and I had two children with my first husband. I decided to travel on the holidays I did not have them with me, because it was so hard to spend it with family and put myself thru that. Same thing with weekends I live in south texas so I get to fishing year round and that is what I do spend the weekend fishing or walking the beach. Doing this change in routine helped me a lot.
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Contour
newbie
Reged: 06/26/10
Posts: 41
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You will be surprised how quickly you re-discover wht freedom feels like after divorce. Yes at first it is hard and denaial anger and all that.
I have been divorced for 10 months now and no way I would go back to it.
Just think, you don't have to put up with someone else's bullcrap, you don't have to sacrafice, etc.
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