spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7947
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Where did you money that you had earned prior to getting married go? Didn't you have your own bank account?
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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Yes, I did. A lot of it went to pay off wedding costs. I also paid all my debt (except my student loan) so that I could come to the marriage as debt-free as possible. There was about 7k left, and I put that toward a new roof for "his" house.
I closed my old account, and he had me sign my paychecks from teaching in VA so he could deposit them in his own account. He would not let me open an account of my own, as he wanted total control of all money.
It took a few months to get him to agree to a joint account, but then he took out most of what I put in it, so it still was not my property. He did not want me to have spending money. He wanted me to use our joint credit card so he could track my purchases each and every day.
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spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7947
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Ok....but as a grown woman, why would you have not kept an account open, and signed over paychecks? That's..well...to be honest, not very bright. It's not like you were a young kid, you should have known better on that account. So in a way, you created some of your financial distress.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Uh there is no way in hell I am giving my paycheck to a man to put in an account I have no access to. Come on now...
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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Spinner and Miranda,
The account I had prior to marriage was a NYS credit union. I didn't want to keep it if I couldn't drive to it.
For the first couple of months, I wasn't working in VA. No reason for an account.
If you knew how angry he'd get when the subject of money came up, you'd understand why I thought it best to work into it slowly, rationally.
He also had ways of lying to me, telling me he would apply my paycheck to "our" IRA, my share of the mortgage, etc. The day he told me he wanted to use one of my large paycheck to buy more oil stock, I told him I would not sign it. It sat on the table for about two weeks. At the same time, his bank sent him a letter telling him they would no longer allow him to deposit my check since my name was not on the account. He became VERY angry, closed his account with them. The check just sat there, while we argued. He told me I didn't care about helping out financially, that I just wanted money to spend "secretly." That once I was making over 50k, he would not question me about my money. I know some couples have their money in one account, not separate, and it works out very well for them; they wouldn't want to do it any other way.
He got VERY angry. The check sat unsigned longer. I finally agreed to adding my name to his USAA account. He told me I would be able to use it for my needs. Yeah, right. This was shortly before he went crazy.
But if you guys want to find a reason to blame me, this would be it.
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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"Uh there is no way in hell I am giving my paycheck to a man to put in an account I have no access to. Come on now..."
I didn't think I needed access to the account. I had our credit card to use. That was great for a couple of months. Then he started getting angry that I was actually spending money. He really, truly believed my money was his money. I wanted to think it was OUR money.
I'd been married for 18 years before. I handled all finances--very well, too. I'd been managing my own money since I was 17. I was trying to be agreeable to a different way of managing marital funds. I tried.
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spinnerdegrassi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 7947
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You're an adult. Are you seriously telling me, that in you what..40's 50's, you weren't actutely aware enough to know that you should have your own bank account, and shouldn't be signing over your funds to another person?
I'm just saying you had options to not put yourself in a financial hole, and you made poor choices that led to that position. You have to take some responsibility for those choices.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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So, besides your spending habits, how much were you contributing to the upkeep of the household, such as the mortgage, the utilities, food, etc?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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Let me give you another perspective--one you obviously have no experience with or lack the trust to even consider: In my first marriage, we would drive, with the kids in the back seat, to the bank every Thursday to deposit our paychecks into the same account. A certain amount went into savings, the rest into checking. Then we'd go out to dinner.
It worked extremely well b/c we trusted each other. I paid the bills, kept the account up to date. I told him how much our savings had grown. We each had our ATM cards for personal expenditures. If either of us wanted to buy something over a certain amount, we discussed it.
Both my first ex and I still say to this day that money was NEVER a problem in our marriage. He tells our daughters that I did a very good job managing our money. I tell them that I could always count on their dad to "put out" for their needs. It worked. It would not have mattered whose name was on the account.
In my 2nd marriage, I knew not having at least a joint account was not right. I was working toward that. I hadn't had that many paychecks--hadn't made so much that I would have been financially independent anyway.
I do take responsibility for my choices. But I was not the only one who made bad decisions. I put my trust in him. Isn't that an important element in marriage? At least it didn't take me too long to learn he was not trustworthy.
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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"So, besides your spending habits,"
What do you mean by my "spending habits"? You are assuming, fantasizing again, Gr8. You know very well the phrase carries negative connotations.
I contributed almost all of my paycheck to these things. I wanted to. We had enough to buy what we wanted, too, personal things. But he became more tightfisted as the months went by. He did not even want me to get a haircut, and I had to sew my own clothes, for the most part. All this while he plunked thousands into his stocks, IRA's,gold coins. Yeah, it got bad quickly. I could see that I was looking at a stone wall when it came to money. He would not budge, would not discuss it--not without threatening to "smash my head in" or smashing up the house.
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