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pinkytwister
recently joined


Reged: 12/15/10
Posts: 3
Trying to Repair but She holds the cards...
      #714536 - 12/15/10 02:14 PM

So here is my story and I am seeking advice on getting through troubled times.

Status:
I am in my late 30’s, work as an engineer, outdoorsy, married 4 years, two kids and one on the way,
she is in late 30’s, doctor, and very independent.

Current situation:
7 months ago I had an affair with a girl on craigslist out of spite I believe due to the way my wife’s treated me. I believe I did want to get caught so we could maybe finally talk. Bad way to go about it I know but I tend to be very passive-aggressive. Prior to this incident one year before I had sent one e-mail to a girl I once dated 4 years prior to our marriage on facebook. The email was a response to her flirting with me about how I will always be cute, and I responded with thanks and same to you are a cutie too. Again I think it was due to issues in my own marriage that I did not just dismiss this type of comment from this past relationship. Prior to that I had done this other times to others who have reached out to me and told them I am married now and cannot have communication with them yet on that day I did not and regret that also. Anyhow…

So my wife now has dealt with the affair 7 months in and still is running me through the ringers, which is okay if it is “Hey I am angry for what you did” but she goes further into how it never has worked and never should have married her and what a big mistake it is for her. Even if the past week we had a wonderful time, at least it seemed that way. We have gone on having wonderful sex, going on trips, and spending lots of time together. We even through this painful period our having another child. So I am thinking we are getting closer we are going to make it.

So I am doing all I can to make changes for her. I told her I am flawed and do not want to be unfaithful to her and that I want us to work. I have gone to counseling with her and alone, I took her to a weekend retrovaille to help save the marriage, I have joined couples for Christ with her, and I have even joined the catholic church (she is catholic) and am in the RCIA program to have a closer relationship with God and be accepting to God and give myself to him and to my wife 100%. All of this is in the works so it takes time but I feel she does nothing to make changes on her side. Granted I am blessed that she is still with me and sharing time with me, and at times feel we are close like when we are intimate. I mean we are going to have another child but at times she just goes off and gets mad and says we never have worked and never will, it is really hard to hear. I have told her be mad or upset or whatever feeling you want for the infidelity but try not to say the marriage is over and a failure. It is just hard for me to know where we are going, are we moving forward or not. I struggle with how to approach her as she becomes so cold and distant and I do not want to give up but feel if I do it is over.

So financially we have issues as well. She keeps things very separate and always has in our relationship. The house is in her name and she pays for it 100%, the two cars are in her name and during the outing of my affair she kicked me out and made it clear nothing in the house including the cars were mine. (so I walked and took buses, and stayed in a hotel for the first week, she did let me back but had to push that on her) She has never changed her last name also because of her business, she has not worn the wedding ring for 2 years, she has all her money as cash in safety box (apprx 250K). Yet, I stay broke as all my cash goes to pay the daily stuff, meals, daycare, utilities, shopping, etc. as she never carries credit cards. Then when I tell her I have large credit bills she tells me I do not know how to handle bills. Granted she makes 2-3x more then I but I do make 95K a year which is not bad. However, when I try to pay less to the household she says I pay the house I pay the cars do you want to pay them instead. Which at my salary I would be cashless as our payments on my salary are too high.

So I do not know how to make the changes I need and to give her what she needs. I want us to be closer and I admit I have been distant and I have been unfaithful and I want to change. She has been distant and resistant to being close and even at times has thought our children do not love her as the kids adore me. Yet when I confront her I always get the run around that the reason she is the way she is because she has known from day one that I am no good and that is why she does what she does because I am not trustworthy. So her name not changed, the finaces, etc. are like they are as she cannot trust me.

I want to make it work but not sure how to handle the ups and downs moving forward and how to get balance in our relationship. I have been a door mat in this relationship and allowed her to walk over me. I do all the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, and I work too. How can I get the balance I do not know.

Lost in a relationship!


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Annie7676
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Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 869
Loc: NY
Re: Trying to Repair but She holds the cards... [Re: pinkytwister]
      #714676 - 12/15/10 07:41 PM

You cheated...thats a hard one for anyone to get past. And I dont know how one gets past that.

she probably keeps all her $$$'s in her name because she doesnt' trust you and wants some kind of control. Put yourself in her place,,,how would you feel if she cheated on you and the situation was reversed?

I dont have much to offer because for most the cheating is a deal breaker...the fact that you have bills and she doesn't probably doesn't sit well with her at all.

I guess it comes down to whether she and you can move on and reach a place where you work on the marriage. Does she want to end it? you mention that she says she knew you werent a sure thing so what does that mean specifically?
What is she really saying?

With the variance in your income, if the marriage ended who knows who would end up paying who what.

I guess what you are doing, the counseling, the church thing is the best approach.

You have a tough time here because of that cheating...few can forgive that.

Good luck to you.


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stickman
recently joined


Reged: 12/12/10
Posts: 3
Re: Trying to Repair but She holds the cards... [Re: Annie7676]
      #714721 - 12/15/10 09:27 PM

Sorry, I dont buy the 'poor, victimized woman' trip. Yes, you cheated, but if she's always been that way with the money, always let you pay the bills, and held you down, then SHE is the one who needs some help. You are a stepping stone, my friend. She is on a power trip, and is saving up 'insurance' money. Cash isnt traceable, and if or when you divorce, you wont get a dime. I assume she makes more than you, so you need to see the red flags. Shes a user.

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crsn23
recently joined


Reged: 12/30/10
Posts: 4
Loc: Midwest
Re: Trying to Repair but She holds the cards... [Re: stickman]
      #719580 - 12/30/10 09:17 PM

Feel your pain....the guilt and horrible feeling of cheating on your spouse sux. I know it is tough to suck up your pride and do all the stuff for her, but at least she is giving you a chance.
Try to be there for her and hopefully time will heal all wounds.
Best of luck!


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yregna
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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: Trying to Repair but She holds the cards... [Re: crsn23]
      #724295 - 01/14/11 03:55 PM

In the end it won't matter, you will end up writing her checks, and she'll be sleeping with someone else...

--------------------
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"


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lauramc27
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Reged: 01/15/11
Posts: 43
Loc: Oregon
Re: Trying to Repair but She holds the cards... [Re: pinkytwister]
      #732080 - 02/20/11 06:48 PM

So sorry to hear you are having these troubles. Since she is stashing money it seems as though she is "preparing" for the end of your marriage. You don't say what state you live in, but assest aquired during a marriage can be considered community property, regardless of who pays for it. Just because her name is on it doesn't mean it isn't half yours. It sounds as if she is already gone, so you may want to contact an attorney and get your ducks in a row as she has already done so. Good luck

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Max71
recently joined


Reged: 09/28/11
Posts: 14
Re: Trying to Repair but She holds the cards... [Re: lauramc27]
      #764454 - 10/09/11 06:25 PM

Declaration doesn't make anybody "Catholic". To be Catholic, you must behave as one. If indeed you made your vows before God in a Catholic Church I suggest you both refer back to them and do as you both promised God you would. Perhaps study the meaning of marriage and your roles of marriage as taught by the Catholic Church. Doing it together is a huge plus. Somewhere in doing all of that, you'll find out just how willing to be Catholic you both are.

The people willing to submit to a Catholic marriage are few and far. Is she really a Catholic? I suggest you find out. Keep it in your pants.


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Eeovoia
recently joined


Reged: 11/30/12
Posts: 5
Re: Trying to Repair but She holds the cards... [Re: Max71]
      #795577 - 11/30/12 03:23 PM

"So my wife now has dealt with the affair 7 months in and still is running me through the ringers, which is okay if it is “Hey I am angry for what you did” but she goes further into how it never has worked and never should have married her and what a big mistake it is for her. Even if the past week we had a wonderful time, at least it seemed that way. We have gone on having wonderful sex, going on trips, and spending lots of time together. We even through this painful period our having another child. So I am thinking we are getting closer we are going to make it."
"I feel she does nothing to make changes on her side. Granted I am blessed that she is still with me and sharing time with me, and at times feel we are close like when we are intimate."

Okay - Um, as the one who has been in your wife's position (albeit without the large income to accompany me), I can tell you this ; it takes A LOT MORE from YOU to convince her you are trustworthy. Guess what ? LOVE IS VOLUNTARY. Even if you have it "signed" on a legal document - it is voluntary. Nothing is written in stone, and YOU proved that to her when YOU cheated, over and over and over again. How can she trust you? Do you have an accountability partner? I suggest a ministry that deals with sexual addiction - yep. Sorry, you heard me. try Googling Faithful & True Ministries. Some things you need to work through on your own, and allow your wife time to heal. She's forming another human being in her body for pete's sake! Cut HER some slack. No one is perfect, but I do know trust development just takes time, it's not a one-time-lifetime always set in stone agreement with marriage. You have to WORK at it. Your work is going to look different than hers. She's pregnant & in the medical profession & dealing with this crap (sorry, infidelity is its own crap) on the side? That's enough to make any woman "cold"....give me a break. You would be exhausted too. DO NOT PLACE DEMANDS ON HER TO TRUST YOU OR GIVE YOU ANY HINT OF A GUARANTEE. YOU MUST BE WILLING TO LOSE YOUR LIFE Before you can gain anything from her. Marriage & any relationship is not about what you "get" from someone. Let her have her finances. You make 95k/year!!!!!!!! Holy cow! I will probably never make that much, and I have 3 children to provide for on 56k/year. Count your blessings, and quit looking at her pocket book. She's carrying YOUR CHILD & working - get off her back...and don't put any sort of "physical intimacy =closeness" on her either. Pardon me, sir, but though your efforts may look "good" to the untrained eye, you sound like a narcissist to me. Work on yourself, leave her alone, and give her time and space to heal & carry this baby & do her work. Sheesh.


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