gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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Wow, gonna be honest here, you are dodging ALL of your REALLY crappy choices, and wanting him to pay for YOUR choices. Guess what, you have REALLY bad judgement, but, honestly, you already got a pretty good deal. You got all your debt paid off with your savings and lived for free until you could find a job.
Oh, and if you WERE teaching in Virginia, why did you have to "run" back to NYS, where you could NOT find work? And why would you expect HIM to pay for that stupid move?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3000
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And you have REALLY BAD JUDGMENT when it comes to understanding what's normal and healthy. REALLY BAD!
My CHOICE was not to have him assault me. That was his choice. Get it AZZHOLE?
I paid my debt off before marriage. He brought his into the marriage. I also paid for part of his roof, the roof i could not live under b/c of his behavior.
I fled to NY b/c I didn't know many people in VA. Those I did know were military. At first, they helped me, but I intuited that it would not be long before they'd turn on me. They did just that. They had to. They knew about the assault and did not report it, as they WERE OBLIGATED TO DO. They helped me get away, then after a few weeks, they slowly turned from me b/c the military became aware of what he'd done.
Let me just say again, AZZHOLE!
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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If money was an issue for the moment you married, I'm surprised it lasted 13 months. I don't understand why a sane person with solid self esteem wouldn't refuse to hand over their checks. I'd have my own account. When he got weird on giving me shopping money, I'd have my own job and he'd be sleeping on the couch.
It just seems like every step og the way, you could have made better choices and now expect him to pay you back for both his and your mistakes.
You quit a job and moved to be with him. I believe he should have given you some very brief spousal support so that you could move out and get your own place and start the job search.
I don't understand AT ALL why you didn't file to get a few grand to get you on your feet when you were leaving. Sleeping on someone's floor/couch for months and then moving into a crack house doesn't seem like behavior that should be rewarded with a $50,000 payday to me.
It seems like if you had just moved out, filed for divorce, put your living expenses on the credit card and gotten a job, in the final divorce settlement he would have been made to pay some of those expenses and this would all just be an unpleasant memory.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6453
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"And you have REALLY BAD JUDGMENT when it comes to understanding what's normal and healthy. REALLY BAD!
My CHOICE was not to have him assault me. That was his choice. Get it AZZHOLE? "
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English,
I think gr8dad DOES 'get' that. He's saying there were a ton of other ways you could have handled the situation which also included protecting yourself that you CHOSE not to take.
He did slip once here when he suggested maybe you deserved a slap (I forget his exact terminology). I think he went too far with that comment. Otherwise, he's been pretty reasonable.
Yes, I only read yregna's comments to laugh at them. Maybe he was burned by the system, but the assumptions he makes about all women are uncalled for. Sometimes people go to far off track and any truth in their message is lost.
I think gr8dad has made a lot of good points here, but you are the one not listening. I understand it's difficult to stand back and look at it objectively when it's your own situation, especially when you've been greivously wronged on some levels. I just think you've totally lost the 'big picture' on this one.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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"And you have REALLY BAD JUDGMENT when it comes to understanding what's normal and healthy."
Sorry, you are right, I should use YOUR standards for what is healthy and normal. Lets make a list:
***Things that are healthy and normal, per english***
-quitting your job and moving to be with a guy you barely know
-turning over all of your money to a control freak who will not let you on the bank accounts
-allowing a guy to threaten you with physical violence
-continuing to give that same guy your paychecks
-allowing multiple assaults involving the police before doing anything
-running away from a place that you had a JOB, to be homeless and unemployed
-living in a crack house
Really, I mean if I was to try and make a list of things to advise any of my three kids to NEVER EVER EVER do, this would pretty much cover it.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3000
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"I don't understand why a sane person with solid self esteem wouldn't refuse to hand over their checks."
I explained why I didn't have my own account right away. We are talking 13 months, here. By the time I started making money, we are talking 3-4 paychecks. His resistance grew gradually over those months. And I wanted to trust him. I had no reason not to.
"It just seems like every step og the way, you could have made better choices and now expect him to pay you back for both his and your mistakes."
Are you saying that my mistake was to trust him with our finances? What mistakes did I make? Really, "every step of the way'? Did you live with him? Were you fleeing in January with only pj's and a toothbrush 4 states north? Please tell me what mistake you think I made "every step of the way." I made the very best decisions I could at every step.
I did not ask him to get so angry. I did not allow him to insult me or call me names or push me or not allow me to talk to my daughters or threaten to kill me. I did not allow him to get so violent that he ruined his house and the things he cared for.
"I believe he should have given you some very brief spousal support so that you could move out and get your own place and start the job search."
Well, thank you for that. What he told me was that he was not responsible for taking care of me, and the sooner I realized that, the better. He brought another woman into the house shortly after I left. He'd been seeing her while we were together.
"I don't understand AT ALL why you didn't file to get a few grand to get you on your feet when you were leaving. Sleeping on someone's floor/couch for months and then moving into a crack house doesn't seem like behavior that should be rewarded with a $50,000 payday to me."
How could I file? I was in NY. I made plenty of phone calls to see what my options were. I was getting advice from an advocate from the domestic violence shelter in VA. I talked with a woman from that agency weekly. I would have done anything she told me I should do. I also talked to a few lawyers over the phone. Most wanted between 4,000 and 4,500. I tried the free legal lawyer. That did not work. My "behavior" of sleeping on the floor and living in a crack house and staying in an attic is not "behavior" that I am expecting some reward for. Really, finz, your bias could not be any more clear.
"It seems like if you had just moved out, filed for divorce, put your living expenses on the credit card and gotten a job, in the final divorce settlement he would have been made to pay some of those expenses and this would all just be an unpleasant memory."
Yeah. Wouldn't that just be peachy. I moved out. I had no money, except for a bit of credit. I used a lot of it for clothes (it was winter in NY) food, and motels (Gr8 said I should use the card for that, and I did). How many expenses could YOU put on your credit card??? It was many months. How much of a limit do you think I had??? And was it wise to max out my credit card when that was the only source of income I had??? How much would you use your credit card for when you had no job???
I am not stupid, finz.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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"I made the very best decisions I could at every step."
And quitting your job was a GOOD decision?
"Yeah. Wouldn't that just be peachy. I moved out. I had no money, except for a bit of credit. I used a lot of it for clothes (it was winter in NY) food, and motels (Gr8 said I should use the card for that, and I did)."
Amazing, there were NO motels in Virginia, where you could have stayed until your NEXT paycheck, which you would get if you kept working? So you decided that the BEST decision you could make was to move from a SOUTHERN STATE (where it is WARMER) to a NORTHERN state, in the WINTER?
"How many expenses could YOU put on your credit card??? It was many months. How much of a limit do you think I had??? And was it wise to max out my credit card when that was the only source of income I had??? How much would you use your credit card for when you had no job???"
Well, why in the WORLD would you quit yout job?!? See THAT is where you lose ANY credibility. You are in Virginia, you have a credit card and a job in Virginia. Now, there is enough of a limit on the card to get you TO New York, buy clothes, and feed yourself. OR, you could have STAYED in Virginia, got a motel for a week or so, worked, when your next check came in, get an apartment, and go from there.
So, how about you stop playing the victim, and admit that you WANTED to move back to New York, and while it was a stupid decision, it was yours and yours soley.
"I am not stupid, finz."
I would need to see proof, because based on your choices and actions, you're not really making your case.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3000
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Instead of replying to Gr8, are there any people reading this thread who have some semblance of intelligence who can better explain things to him? I can't seem to get through to him. Or are you all afraid of him....
"quitting your job and moving to be with a guy you barely know"
I told you...I dated him for 4 years. Memory problem?
"-turning over all of your money to a control freak who will not let you on the bank accounts"
I did not know he was a control freak. But, hey, at least you can admit he was that. Progress.
"-allowing a guy to threaten you with physical violence"
I did NOT allow him to do that. I did not. I told him if he did it again, I would seek help b/c I would not put up with that again. I told him I would call the police. I called the police. I left repeatedly. So, you are saying that just b/c it happened I allowed it???
"continuing to give that same guy your paychecks"
That didn't happen for long. As soon as I realized he did not have our best interests at heart, I stopped that.
"-allowing multiple assaults involving the police before doing anything"
There was only one assault that I called the police for. The two reports I mentioned were the police report and my report to the police.
"-running away from a place that you had a JOB, to be homeless and unemployed"
Guess I explained that already. I had no one to help me in VA. Knew very few people. I did not dare live close to where he was. My job in VA was part time. I believed I could get a job in NY.
"-living in a crack house"
Are you having fun with this?
I hope you don't advise your kids.
And finz? If you think Gr8 is making good sense and has good points and advice for me? You are just as confused as he is.
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english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3000
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He came to my place of employment repeatedly, azzhole, looking for me, as I knew he would. The police told me not to go there again. I only went there once, on a Sunday afternoon, to email my dean and dept. chair about my situation.
So, you really think I should have stayed in the area, kept my job (part time) and just waited (as bait) for him to come looking for me, angry as h3ll b/c I had him arrested?
Oh, yeah, I wanted to move back to NY. That is so true. NY was the only place that seemed safe to me. Even though I knew I had no job there, I thought if I got far enough away and he didn't know where my daughter lived, I'd be safe. I wanted to stop the fear and looking over my shoulder for him to come after me.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30195
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"I told you...I dated him for 4 years. Memory problem?"
So you DID know him? So why would you move down there for an abuser? Oh, yeah, you didn't know he was an abuser...so, hence, you DIDN'T KNOW HIM.
"I did not know he was a control freak. But, hey, at least you can admit he was that. Progress."
So, when he wouldn't put your name on the bank accounts, give you any money, or made you sign over your checks, you thought he was WHAT?
"I did NOT allow him to do that. I did not."
Okay, you didn't allow it...read on.
"I told him if he did it again, I would seek help b/c I would not put up with that again."
Good for you, that shows strength.
"I told him I would call the police. I called the police. I left repeatedly."
Wait, if you would NOT put up with it again, how could you have left repeatedly? Wouldn't that mean you had to keep coming back?
"That didn't happen for long. As soon as I realized he did not have our best interests at heart, I stopped that."
So, until your epiphany, what DID you think TAKING your checks and putting them in an account you had NO access to was?
"There was only one assault that I called the police for. The two reports I mentioned were the police report and my report to the police."
So there was ONE police report (it is a document, not an action, I figured an english teacher would know that), and he did WHAT? Whatever it was, there was no marks, you have admitted that.
"Guess I explained that already. I had no one to help me in VA."
You had a credit card and a JOB. You are almost FIFTY, and you need HELP to survive?!?
"I did not dare live close to where he was."
Yeah, and Virginia is SUCH a small state.
"My job in VA was part time. I believed I could get a job in NY."
So you quit a SURE think, to travel to NY for an unknown? Again, you are almost FIFTY, and not only do you think this is okay, but you think this was the BEST decision you could have made at the time...
"Are you having fun with this?"
No, the more info you post, the more utterly DISGUSTED I am that you are even the same GENDER as one of my children. Playing the helpless little female who HAS to have help, WAH! You SICKEN me, and the strong women on this board who HAVE been faced with REAL adversary, and stood by it and survived in their own should be ready to tar and feather you for what you are doing to the image of their sex.
"I hope you don't advise your kids."
Well, MY kids wouldn't have let me sleep on the floor or live in a crack house. I hope YOU don't TEACH kids, especially girls.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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