CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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I'm finally back in the "dating" world so I can finally post on this thread :-) I have gone out on several "first" and "second" dates with men I met a variety of ways. I met this one guy who is just wonderful - the first one I really click with. We've don't see each other very often due to our prioritization of our children in our lives, but we get together about once a week.
He was recently in Mexico on a vacation with one of his buddy's and was gone for 5 days. This trip was planned before he and I ever met and I was a very good cheerleader for him - expressing that I hoped he had a great time, etc. (which to truly meant) Before he left, he said that he was able to upgrade his cell phone service plan so that he could call me while he was there...this was a very sweet gesture, but I honestly didn't expect him to call.
He called once and it was lovely talking to him - he said he missed me and that his friend was probably sick of hearing my name. He called me again the day before he was going to come back and I had a terrible attack of insecurity - conjuring up drunken debouchery in my head and all but convinced that he had to have met some other woman who was prettier, nicer, better than me. Now, I'm not generally an insecure person, and I'm definitely not the jealous type...but I'm sure that my aloofness on the phone came through loud and clear to him.
I was able to do damage control when he came back by snapping out of my little head-trip and things seem OK (I'll see him tomorrow night), but I HATE feeling this insecure and afraid. I know that it has something to do with my ex's affair; and it also has to do with not knowing much about dating, as I haven't had to do it in 18 years; and it has to do with my self esteem, etc. Have others felt the same? Is this "kind-of" normal?
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Cici, I am STILL fighting those demons. They are pretty much in a box but from time to time they show up and I have this little scenario playing out in my head and need to snap myself out of it by being realistic and logical. This isn't something you can do when your brain is going a million miles an hour and has your 'friend' being snaffled up by a youngewr, skinnier, prettier model than you.
After all, once on our lives our 'happily ever after" was snatched away and ended in divorce. So what are the odds of it happening again, right? And maybe there is some fatal character flaw that is glaringly obvious to everyine but you and .... get the picture?
My DH accepts my baggage and I accept his. He has never given me ANY cause to doubt him and 99% of the time I am blissfully happy. However, there is that day here and there when the insecure paranoid KG takes over and life becomes miserable.
So long story short... perfectly normal post divorce.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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Thanks, Kiwi. You're description of my insecurity is absolutely correct...what if...augh!
I saw him on Saturday night and we had an amazing time. He's very kind to me (doleing out compliments) and is communicative, considerate and attentive. I just don't want to do anything to screw this up.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
xoxo
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Yes Cici...I think its normal.....I ventured out in the dating world after being married for almost 30 yrs and then I waited almost 6 yrs after the divorce...I met a great guy on a whim and have been seeing him for 2 yrs now...its been great...and I go through the insecurities but just a few weeks ago I thought he wanted to date others and I told him honestly...go ahead..if you need to do that but be a gentlemen and honest enough to tell me because I will say thanks for the great time and wonderful two years...and step away......I was NOT MAKING an ultimatum although it sounds like it...... but in this day and age STD's are in my mind....I have had friends die of the one that kills you....and I guess I finally realized after not dating for so long...thats its my life now....my life....not anyone elses...and if I dont like it I can walk away. I am not the jealous type...I am a child of the 70's so I get it but STD's scare the you know what out of me....no person in the world is worth it to me...but that does worry me......
And yes the self esteem issues you raise are part of a cheating spouse experience ...but the way I look at it now...its what I want --- but those self esteem issues do seem to get in the way
the best advice I can give is go ahead and give yourself permission to have fun, enjoy yourself...YOU DESERVE IT....and see where it goes....listen to your inner voice and remember that song Girls just wanna have fun
sometimes if we let it flow it will just go naturally
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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Great advice, Annie. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy his company! He's just the nicest person and since he's been back, he's been wonderful at expressing his feelings for me.
I'm starting to feel like I DO deserve this! And that feels really good!
(I'm gushing, I know).
ps - I'm with you on the the STD fear thing!
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Cici. I can honestly say for the first time in my life that yes we do deserve happiness and being treated like we want to, within reason of course (there are some out there that are high maintenance, etc etc)
Most of us coming out of bad marriages or getting hurt are still licking our wounds and wondering what happened and afraid of it happening again...but you know I go through that but as I said a few weeks ago the SO in my life I thought he wanted to go out and about...and I dont' wish to do this or be with someoneo who does...So I just self talked to myself one night and said, yes he can do that, its HIS choice but not MY choice...at this stage again its what we want and how happy we are.
I dont want to be unhappy and stressed out. I know that is unavoidable in some circumstances but in a relationship. No do not think so..this time we can choose to go with it or not...we do deserve to have fun, be treated with dignity and cherished and our partners should expect the same. Of course who knows what happens if we get into a relationship and the old baggage/fears/triggers rear their ugly heads...try to deal with it I guess
but for now go have fun...enjoy it and I am glad you are smiling....you deserve it.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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CiCi, I dont know if my XH cheated on me or not. Really, at this point, I couldnt care less. But, he did put me down ALOT and almost had me convinced I wasnt worthy of love. When DH and I first started dating, every time I knew he wasnt at home or at my house, I wondered where he was and with who.
Personally, I think it is normal. Dating is not an easy thing. I feel for you. I really do. As long as the insecurity doesnt wind up being the end of the relationship, you should feel more secure as time goes by. Good luck.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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rattlesnares
recently joined
Reged: 11/28/10
Posts: 3
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I was totally blindsided when my partner of 17 years told me she was leaving me. I trusted her 100% and then out of nowhere she told me she didn't love me anymore. Now I find myself in the position where I wonder how i can ever trust again. Sucks.
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