english7
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/27/09
Posts: 3001
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I agree that the gf has valid concerns. My gut tells me she should not be expected to blend into a family in which the ex wife holds the dominant position. It's just not right.
I'm also sensing that the ex has such a strong personality, the gf is, while trying to blend/bend to his expectations, fairly often extinguished.
There is NO WAY I would accept such an role or arrangement without objecting. The gf needs to know that she is more important than the ex. Period.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Good points. I think the gfs history of getting out of an abusive marriage may make her defensive of people taking advantage of others.
As for the CS, your ex needs to step up and contribute to your kids upbringing financially. It is not your sole task seeing she wanted out of the marriage. Contributing, sure. Even if it is 60%. But she wanted out so she has to come up with some way to pay for her contribution. Your ex appears to have it both ways ... no husband but a husbands finances to support her lifestyle, as that may be.
How would you feel if your gf was the sole supporter of her ex ? Put your gf in your position. WOuld you be accepting of her telling you she is spending Christmas Eve with her ex and his new gf and you are supposed to tag along? Remove the 'abuse' issue and imagine her relationship ended the same way as yours. Her ex wanted out.
However if you feel this is appropriate, cut your gf loose and let her find someone who isn't so attached to his ex.
Looking at it from the outside your ex holds all the cards and your gf (who is in a defence mode and her radar is up for anyone who is likely to mistreat her or mistreat someone she loves) feels 3rd or 4th best. I wonder if your ex's bf feels the same as her?
Just something to think about. I may be completey wrong.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Oh where to start. Dramamama, you and Mike both sound like incredibly compasionate people who care a great deal about each other, but there was one thing you said that bothered me a great deal......"- Gf's insecurity may never go away. She has been wounded in her marriage and (admittedly) carries residual trust issues in her heart. Only you can decide whether or not these trust issues and insecure feelings are something you want to deal with forevermore. Only you. I know you love her... and she's fantastic! I would suggest that you look at the situation through the lens of "these feelings will never go away for her". Don't assume that "one day" they might. Just proceed with the idea that they won't. I don't mean that in an uncharitable tone. I mean it in a realistic tone. Are you willing to continue to love her WITH these things? Are you willing to proceed with the notion that these things will never go away? "
That is so unfair to him. As someone who also has major trust issues herself, I KNOW that its unfair to drag someone else into them, which is the main reason I've chosen to be single for so long. I can't put those feelings on someone else. Especially someone who doesn't deserve it. I'm not sure if I'll ever trust anyone enough again to let them into my heart all the way. I do know that as long as I'm unsure of that I won't put anyone in the position of feeling shut out.
His x will never be the kind of person you think she should be. Be grateful for that because if she was they probably would have remained together and you'd never have had a chance to be with him.
I feel a lot of what you said in this post is an attempt to hang on to a relationship that may be starting to slip away. Mike said in his post that you do have issues with his x, and with the way their relationship is while you say you never had. I don't think he'd have posted if everything was as rosy as you've portrayed. Now don't get me wrong......I don't fault you for that. I haven't walked in your shoes. I can understand the jealousy of the way they interact. Especially since thats something you don't have with your x.
One piece of advice I'd give you is to defriend her on facebook. You are getting more information than you need and it's just adding fuel to the fire. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. My x's wife and I are good friends but we don't have each other on FB. I don't want to know every aspect of their lives because while I can say that I genuinely like both of them and we all spend time together with the kids I do not need or want more evidence that he is a completely different kind of husband to her than he was to me.
I hope that you can work through your trust issues, but if you don't think you can then the fair thing to do is give him the choiceto move on. It's pretty hard for someone to live like that long term.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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bmjmema
recently joined
Reged: 01/01/11
Posts: 2
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Mike,
First off I want to say congrates to you for working with your ex at putting the kids first. I am recently divorced with 3 sons - 14, 11, and 10 years of age. We too have agreed to put the kids first. Somedays are easier then others but we both feel that our children need both parents in their lifes and they need us to be friends. We are at all school functions/ events together. We even drive together to all away sporting events, since that is what the boys wanted. Here is an example: our youngest son played travel football for the first time this fall. Because we where always together (sitting next to each other, talking all the time) the other parents didn't know we were divorced until we told them. They assumed we where married because we got alone. A friend of our that had a son on the team too said to me once that we where the most married, unmarried couple she knew, and all because we put the kids first.
My ex also has looked over my car when I was having problems. I paided for all parts for the repair but when asked why he did it his response was because his children ride in that car and he whats to make sure it was safe. We also talk everyday, wether it is by phone or texts. For us it is the easiest way to make sure both parties know everything that is going on in our childrens lives.
Now he is currently seeing someone, well he was seeing her while we where married (reason for the divorce). Her and I don't like each other at all however, it is very clear that she is not to be around my kids without my permission (in our divorce agreement). And she knows the kids come first. I wish things could be different but since I can't trust her because of many other issues that likely wont happen. I can only hope that your gf learns to trust you and the decisions you have to make to stay close to your children. It wont be easy but in the long run your relationship with your kids will be stronger for it.
Now however much you love your gf she has to understand that you are a parent first and for most and if that means being friends with your ex for your kids then she needs to understand that.
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