I_am_Jack
member
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
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I've been married three years. My wife was diagnosed with endomitriosis last year. Its become the focus of our lives. To my wife, I'm selfish for not thinking of her all the time. To me, its natural and only fair to want something back from her. We made love 6 times last year. Its been 4 months since last time. We're 25 and 23 years old!! We should be doing it everyday!! We have no children, we don't even speak to each other anymore except to talk about her illness, and I'm utterly frustrated sexually and emotionally.
I don't want a divorce: My inlaws are great, and I still love my wife. But I can't spend the rest of my life like this. Eventually, things will either get better, or I'll escape. I'm just thinking pragmatically and want to force the situation. I just don't want to be hasty.
She DEFINATELY doesn't want a divorce, but then she is oblivious to my feelings. I've brought up how I feel, and even mentioned divorce, and her reaction is anger and resentment. She refuses to see a therapist with me, and forbids me to see one alone (she opens mail and would see the insurance bill). If she knew I was on this website, she'd be angry with me. She won't let me talk to any of my old friends and tries to keep me away from my family (she's afraid I'll bring up personal issues). She would never cheat on me, and our marraige went wel enough for the first two years. I'm a very supportive husband and we split household chores and income responsibilities.
I guess My point is: She's never done any one thing to push me over the edge. Its a lot of little things and one big thing that's fairly understandable (She IS sick). I feel like an @sshole for wanting out, but don't know what else to do. Advice, comments and reassurances are all appreciated. I'm kinda' in crisis so whatever is better than nothing.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11686
Loc: Down home.
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Have either of you looked for support in other arenas?
I would start here: http://www.endometriosis.org/internet.html
They have a special support group for men who are trying to cope, along with their partners.
It's hard to understand when someone else has an issue that completely rules their life. As a woman, coping with "female issues" is a constant. It NEVER goes away. Even when things aren't physically hard, it feels like you're waiting for the next time they will be. Honestly....it sucks. I would imagine that as a young woman, she's thinking about infetility problems, the painful intercourse, if it's going to get worse...and on and on and on. I wonder if she feels guilty for your unhappiness...and that just makes her feel even worse. I don't really know....I can't speak for her.
It's unfair that she denies you the ability to seek counsel from anywhere else...and that's an issue that I would address. Do you have an EAP at your place of business? Most places offer 3-5 sessions per issue....and it wouldn't be billed to your insurance.
What do you think would happen if you saw a counselor anyway? I would imagine she doesn't want her personal problems broadcast to family and friends, but a counselor *needs* to be acceptable. Does she have any good reason to put off your friends? I mean...is there some reason for the lack-of-trust issue?
What if you asked her what SHE would like you to do to cope? I mean...if she's denying you every other avenue, she needs to come up some suggestions. Sweeping it under the carpet isn't going to cut it.
I'm sorry for your hurt. I can't imagine what it's like for you. Asking for help...wherever you can get it...is a good thing. I can't excuse her lack of empathy for your position, but I kind of understand it.
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I_am_Jack
member
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
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Thanks for your reply rebecca. Her issue is a total monopoly of my time. She is unable to entertain herself, and is jealous of ANY relationship that is not with her. (friends, family, etc.).
My insurance is through my wife's job. Mine is a university position, and I've thought of going to the counceling center, but the people who work there are my collegues, and it would be no different than talking to a classmate about the issues. As to her bringing up a solution, I think she'd rather not think about it.
Not to be explicit, but I've suggested alternatives to sex. Its intimacy I crave more than anything, but she won't hear of anything. Its the same thing with therepy. There is no compromise. Its selfish and immature of me to ask for sex when she doesn't feel well, but its a big issue for me. I give her whatever, whenever, and feel like the relationship has become one-sided.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11686
Loc: Down home.
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I would call the counseling center and ask for a referral...or about an EAP. Honestly....what WOULD she do if you went to see a counselor?
Seems as though she doesn't know what to do anymore. She's uncomfortable in her designated roles, and feels guilty about it....so she doesn't want anyone else to fulfill ANY of your needs either. That's simply not fair.
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I_am_Jack
member
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
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Thanks Rebecca. You're a sweetheart. That's what I really needed. Some one to give me what her point of view may be. (She won't talk to me about it). I called the counceling center today and they're going to call me tomorrow to set up an appointment. I'll post updates.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11686
Loc: Down home.
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I'm SO glad you called them. Maybe they can give you some different ideas for approaching the subject....or in the very least, help you with you. :-)
I was talking to my husband about your situation this evening. We both agree that it's so unfair for you to be completely shut-off from any support. Neither of us talks to our family about marital issues (too personal), but it's just nice to feel as loved as possible.
I hope it goes well!
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 726
Loc: NY
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Jack, I agree you should be able to go to counseling. You are an adult and should be treated as one, marriage should not be about dictating what the other person can or can't do. I would make the appt,after all you are trying to save the marriage. I can understand your wife's side being female but I can see your side too. You probably both should be in counseling together to work thru this issue. Can you call her Gyn Dr and enlist his/her help, like next time she goes, he tells her to bring you and he brings up the subject? like doctors orders or something.
Intimacy is a part of marriage and it can make break a marriage, your relationship is probably at a cross roads right now and your wife needs to know that, she needs to work with you otherwise it may not end well..
I wish you luck but go see a counselor its a good idea to get direction from a trained counselor.
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I_am_Jack
member
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
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Yeah, Seeing a councelor is the best move for me right now. I've got the number of someone, I just need to make an appt. The problem is, I'm in school to become a clinical psychologist. The councelors in the university counceling center are all collegues of mine. (Either masters level family councelors, or ph.D clinical/counceling psycologists who're in practicum.) Going there would be a little embarassing for me. But, I've arranged to meet with the Facility supervisor because of my circumstances.
Wish me luck!
I'll keep y'all posted!
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras
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I_am_Jack
member
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 184
Loc: Louisiana
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Got my appointment with a marriage councelor today...Its not until the 13th. I should have told them I was suicidal. HaHaHA! I'm not by the way. I know the woman I'm going to see, and don't really like her technique...but at least its a start.
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Never allow anyone to persuade you to do that which is not best for you. -Pythagoras
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 726
Loc: NY
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Yes Jack its a start but if the counselor's technique doesnt' work for you consider trying someone else. A good counselor is worth their weight in gold, many of them just do the Carl Rogers thing and parrot back I think, I feel...which while helpful doesn't give one the tools to try and modify/fix/change, etc.
I wish you luck...again maybe you can enlist your wife's doctor as an ally if you could explain the situation that may be a good source.
Good luck to you.
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