phaze5
recently joined
Reged: 09/28/10
Posts: 5
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I know that I may never show you this but sitting here at 4 in the morning staring at you sleeping wanting to tell you everything I have in my head is not a good idea. I'm scared, scared of you, scared of losing you, and scared that you will think I will become that Guy again. I think you are the most beautiful, strong, courageous woman I know. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I love you and I have and always will. You are amazing!!!!!!! I'm sorry that things had to go this way and seeing your room makes me sad that this is were I forced you. You thought I was everything and I used that and you. I feel horrible about this being my fault. I can't believe I am here, laying beside you in bed that is not ours but yours, in an apartment that is yous not ours, leading a life that up until recent had nothing to do with me. I don't care about the other guys in-between, I did the same. But it does make me sad that it had to happen. But now you are back with me and that says something to me and means that you are going to try to give me another chance. I need to trust you and You need to trust me. I want this to be the last relastionship of my life. I know you don't want to get hurt or hurt me but I am willing to hurt all over again so that I can at least try to show you that I can be different and be the Guy that I was when we first met. I want to put my ring back on and show it off. I know that this is going to take time and I want to do this at a slow pace. But I want to be serious and completely yours. I love you and I have fallen back in love you. You have shown me how careless I was with your heart and now I have to earn it back. Alright phew.... I have sort of emptied my brain and I can start to fall asleep beside you, dreaming if you, dreaming if the day of when I get to hear the words I want to hear right now. OK time for bed... I might add a chapter to this tomorrow of the things I can't say to you right now but we will see how tomorrow goes.
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phaze5
recently joined
Reged: 09/28/10
Posts: 5
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Well here I am again....
You said it first and now I am to stop saying it again.... oh man this is going to be hard. I know you are scared but I am scared too. I am so happy we went to the counseling, it was a bit strange but it will make us stronger. I want things to speed up and get to the point where we are together forever, but I want to make this time around is the strongest it can be. I believe we can be so much. Right now I am a mess of emotions, and I am trying to hold them back but this is difficult. Maybe this is what we needed to help us be stronger. Everyday I spend without you and just talking to you on the phone like I am just someone else kinda hurts... and I don't know what that means. I know I love you and that I fell back in love with you but you are being so wavering right now. I can't stand not being there every minute doing things with you. I can't stop thinking of you, and I hope you are thinking of me but I fear that you are not.... my mind is racing not allowing me to be OK with right now. I want so much right now. I want you back in our bed every night, I want to have a house together, I want you. When you talk about things sometimes scares the crap out of me, its almost like you are thinking about not trying this anymore, but then you do somethings that figure to me like thats all you want. Am so confused right now. I just want talk and let it all out and find out what's on your mind. That's what you wanted from me before but now you just it slow and to do the dating thing again...... I maybe rambling
I'm happy with you, so unhappy without you. You make me smile and hurt and all that comes to mind is the quote from Bob Marley... "Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for". Maybe I am meant to suffer through this and maybe that is my penance....
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