peytonmanning18
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/11
Posts: 9
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Hi everyone, I'm new here. Let me give you a little background to frame my question:
I'm 46, moved out of the house October 09, divorce was finalized this January. We have a son from this marriage, he's 11, he splits time now with me and his mother (my ex). This was a first marriage for both of us, and there are no other kids.
I met a woman in August of 2010 and even though she lives about an hour away our relationship has become pretty important to both of us. She is also divorced, 42, and has primary custody of her 5 year old son.
For various reasons my ex and my son did not know I was dating anyone until very recently, a couple of weeks ago I told them. Everyone seemed to take it pretty well. My son still hasn't met my girlfriend though, it's just difficult because our schedules are all pretty complicated, plus there is the distance factor.
My son's birthday was last week, and my GF gave me a gift to give him, it was a hooded sweatshirt from Old Navy, probably worth about $20, maybe $15 on sale. My GF works part time at a non-profit, and HER ex is not always prompt with the child support, so she isn't exactly rolling in dough. Therefore I thought this was a nice gesture on her part.
I gave my son the hoodie, explained who it was from, and he seemed to like it. So much so, in fact, that when he came downstairs the next morning for school he was wearing it. I was a little surprised (he still hadn't met GF yet) but let him wear it to school.
The problem arose when my ex picked him up from school that day. She (of course) immediately noticed the new item of clothing, asked who it was from, and apparently got upset when he told her.
She actually made him take the hoodie off and leave it outside my front door, I found it hours later when I came home from work.
My ex says I shouldn't encourage my son to take gifts from "strangers". My stance is while GF is technically a stranger to him she isn't equivalent to some creep handing out candy to children in an alley, she's someone who I know. Then my ex switched her objection to "the gift was inappropriate because it was a personal item, which only a mother should give".
I concede that I should have handled it better, maybe suggesting my son not wear the hoodie to school when I knew his mother would see it when she picked him up. But now my ex is insisting we need a "policy" concerning gift-giving, and she is threatening to bring lawyers and judges into the process.
I think she's overreacting. While I know now not to let him wear something my GF might give him, I don't think we need a specific written policy to cover this minor point of parenting.
What do you think?
Edited by peytonmanning18 (02/18/11 09:19 AM)
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lauramc27
newbie
Reged: 01/15/11
Posts: 43
Loc: Oregon
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In my opinion she is blowing things way out of proportion. It's a hoodie for goodness sakes. So by her saying only a mother should give personal items does that mean if a friend of his, or one of her family members have him the hoodie she would make him return it? I really don't think a judge will say he can't recieve b-day gifts from your GF, what a waste of time and money that would be. It was a horrible thing for her to put your son in the middle, if she had an issue with it she should have called you privately, not make your son leave the hoodie on your doorstep.
Edited by lauramc27 (02/18/11 09:59 AM)
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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Your ex totally overreacted......I would laugh in her face if I were a judge in family court with this issue before me.
Would she try to arrest my dentist who gives the kids free toothbrushes (a very personal item) each visit ?
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peytonmanning18
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/11
Posts: 9
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Thank you both for your input.
Your interpretation matches mine but I'm sure you know how it is...when you've been dealing with someone and their quirks for a long time you can lose perspective. It helps to get some objective views.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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I see a bunch of different views here. I certainly understand why you see it as a nice gesture. This is someone you know pretty well and over the course of 6 months I'm sure you've spoken to her about your son and she may even feel as if she "knows" him because of that. However he doesn't know her, has never met her and only recently learned she exisited and IMO that DOES make the giving of a birthday gift a little "creepy".
Of course your son would like the gift. Who wouldn't at 11? An extra gift is always a bonus, and I'm sure he wouldn't have worn it if he hadn't really liked it. I think your x acted a bit extreme and I don't see the need for lawyers and modifications. I don't see an issue with what the gift IS (as in it's a personal item as your x said) but with the way the gift was given.
I too think it could have been handled better but not in the way you stated. Hiding things or teaching your child to hide things from the other parent isn't the way to go (think how you'd feel if the child was taught to hide something from you in the future because his mother found out you didn't like it). I think the way to handle it would have been to tell your GF to hold on to the gift until she meets your son so she could give it to him personally. Frankly if someone I was dating, who never met my child and they bought them something and asked me to give it to them I'd raise my own eyebrows. It wouldn't take my x to do it.
I'm sure there was no hidden intent behind it and she was just trying to be nice but I think you should look at it from all of the angles. Not just "This is my GF and someone I care about therefore she isn't a stranger." I would one hundred percent totaly agree with the other responses IF you son knew her or had even met her but he hasn't.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1754
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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That is totally FF'ed up. I have friends and relatives that have NEVER met my kids send b'day money or gifts to them. No one thinks a thing about it. Especially when they were younger.
Mom is all defensive cuz you're moving on. And <gasp> there will be *another woman* taking care of HER son when he visits you if things progress. And there MIGHT even be a STEPMOM in the future. Horrors!!
Put the hoodie up for now, thank her sweetly for pointing your transgression out to you, and have your GF give it to your son AGAIN the first time he meets her. There. Problem solved.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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lauramc27
newbie
Reged: 01/15/11
Posts: 43
Loc: Oregon
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Quote:
I see a bunch of different views here. I certainly understand why you see it as a nice gesture. This is someone you know pretty well and over the course of 6 months I'm sure you've spoken to her about your son and she may even feel as if she "knows" him because of that. However he doesn't know her, has never met her and only recently learned she exisited and IMO that DOES make the giving of a birthday gift a little "creepy".
Of course your son would like the gift. Who wouldn't at 11? An extra gift is always a bonus, and I'm sure he wouldn't have worn it if he hadn't really liked it. I think your x acted a bit extreme and I don't see the need for lawyers and modifications. I don't see an issue with what the gift IS (as in it's a personal item as your x said) but with the way the gift was given.
I too think it could have been handled better but not in the way you stated. Hiding things or teaching your child to hide things from the other parent isn't the way to go (think how you'd feel if the child was taught to hide something from you in the future because his mother found out you didn't like it). I think the way to handle it would have been to tell your GF to hold on to the gift until she meets your son so she could give it to him personally. Frankly if someone I was dating, who never met my child and they bought them something and asked me to give it to them I'd raise my own eyebrows. It wouldn't take my x to do it.
I'm sure there was no hidden intent behind it and she was just trying to be nice but I think you should look at it from all of the angles. Not just "This is my GF and someone I care about therefore she isn't a stranger." I would one hundred percent totaly agree with the other responses IF you son knew her or had even met her but he hasn't.
I honestly don't think it's "creepy" that his GF wanted to give his son a birthday present. I did the same when my hubby and I were dating and no one thought it was creepy at all. It was a way to break the ice with them until they were comfortable having a face to face. I think how his ex responded was "creepy" if anything.
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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"I think how his ex responded was "creepy" if anything. "
I thought more than creepy.....I thought immediate therapy is needed.
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lauramc27
newbie
Reged: 01/15/11
Posts: 43
Loc: Oregon
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So very true!
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peytonmanning18
recently joined
Reged: 02/18/11
Posts: 9
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Quote:
"I think how his ex responded was "creepy" if anything. "
I thought more than creepy.....I thought immediate therapy is needed.
Well, you may be right. She has shown overt signs of mental illness off and on for the past several years.
She thought she was being followed, the house was bugged, our phone was bugged, she thought that videotapes of her were being put on the internet without her permission, and that a reality TV show was going to give us a new house, new car, send us on a cruise, etc.
She has refused any sort of help and doesn't have a diagnosis, and is not being treated. She hasn't been so bad (for her) the last two years though.
That's why when incidents like this business with the hoodie come up I don't know whether to dismiss them as more crazy stuff, or take her complaints seriously.
I appreciate everyone's input, thank you.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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*shrugging*....To each their own. I think it's weird to buy a present for the child of an SO when you've never met the child.
Not saying BM didn't over react, I wouldn't have made my child return the gift but I certainly would have raised my eyebrows.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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