Tryingtocope
recently joined
Reged: 02/25/11
Posts: 3
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It hurts to know that when you've given all you could to someone that they could walk out on you without a second thought, when you've stuck by them thru all there wrong. I tried to place the fault on me but how do you take part in someones infidelity, their lies, their wrongs. I accepted it all because I thought we working toward the good. I don't want to proceed but I need closure, I need to be at peace, I need my happiness and its sad I don't know where it is? I feel so alone, no kids, nothing, not even a close friend I can relate to.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I am sorry you are going through this. You are right to want your happiness and you deserve it. Finding peace when someone leaves is hard and a struggle especially in the beginning for most of us. Some can just cut it off and move on. Try not to blame yourself, it was the other persons choice to do what they did. And if you try to step back and look at it objectively its them, not you. Getting closure and moving on is a good step forward.
As for being alone, this board is a great and comforting place to get support and help.
As someone who has been through this, being left after a LTM the best advice, is focus on what YOU want, look for making yourself feel good, counseling, self help books, support groups, new hobbies, etc whatever works.
Its hard when your partner leaves and its not our choice...but it was their choice, they left,....if they wanted us they would still be with us...it hurts but its not the end of the world, life will go on. Giving them so much power to ruin our lives and make us sad is not a good thing. It kind of makes us victims of these selfish heartless people...they put themselves first and kicked us to the curb...move forward as much as you can...and take care of you.
Good luck. You will find much support here.
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Tryingtocope
recently joined
Reged: 02/25/11
Posts: 3
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Hi Annie, Thanks I needed to hear that. You know the hardest part about this is he wouldn't sign the paper and now that he has disappeared I'm beginning to think that he won't. I just want for my sake closure and a peace of mind. I am very sad and hurt deeply about my situation but in the end I have to move on and begin to start that journey of life. I'm only 25 and God knows this marriage has nearly broken me. I'm done for good this time, I can finally say It's Over. Thanks again for the support it means more to me than you know.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Yes you do have to move on..and at 25 even though you don't want to hear it, your whole life is in front of you...if you are single now or going to be this is your CHANCE, your opportunity to figure out what you want to do..and work towards your goals without anyone pulling you down. It may be hard to see that now because you are emotionally upset/drained at the breakup of your marriage but eventually it will get better.
I am at the age where I could be your mom and have a son your age ...I see things differently because of my age. To me women more so then men need to be able to take care of themselves, financially and be independent so that if one gets dumped they dont' have to beg for crumbs from their x's.
My X left me after almost 30 yrs together, it hurt and was very sad...it took me awhile to move on...but now I am so happy. I am independent, can take care of myself financially and I choose who/what/where I let in my life.
Woman to woman...he isn't worth it...let him go, do what you need to do and start living...for you...and the next guy, pay attention...don't rush into it...not all men are like this...and remember all of us whether we are men or women deserve to be cherished and treated well...you are worth...
keep posting here and know that you will get over this and hopefully become stronger and wiser in it
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yngwies_guitar
journeyman
Reged: 01/11/10
Posts: 61
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Hi Tryingtocope,
The best thing you can do for yourself is not to beat yourself up too much.
In each divorce situation, there is usually enough blame to go around. However, don't think that the commitment that you made to him was a waste or that there is something wrong with you for sticking with it. There isn't.
You cannot control what other people do in this world. It is an axiom I live by. The only thing you can do is to control how you chose to deal with the world. Have comfort in the fact that you have the ability to love someone and to try and make that work even in the face of adversity. That is a good thing. It makes you a good person. Don't let the fact that your ex didn't appreciate that interfere with your true nature. You know that you did everything you could. That alone should be enough for you.
Think of this as a period of time that you can spend to get reacquainted with yourself. This will build your confidence and will aid in you recovery. It will also help you to get back out there and socialize with men again when you are ready. Contrary to what you see on the reality shows, we aren't all dogs!
Keep your chin up. Time really does heal all wounds and life is too short to sit around being sad.
I wish you the best of luck.
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Tryingtocope
recently joined
Reged: 02/25/11
Posts: 3
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Thank you all for your encouraging words and wise advice. I am realizing that my first step is believing in me. I'm really glad that I found this forum it is more encouraging then what I thought. I am finding hope and strength in you all. Thank you both again so much!
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Very true, the first step IS believing in you. Put your goals on establishing your life for you, independent and goals so you can take care of you. Find the inner strength and pride in yourself to walk away and build a new life.
Good luck.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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To add to what's been written, making your own goals, and sticking to them, can be a long term thing, like a marriage. Do you have a career that needs attention? Do you want to further your education? Is there family you've neglected while in your marriage?
It's sounds like your ex has just taken off without finalizing a divorce, which can be difficult to understand. But depending on where you live, you might be able to obtain a divorce anyway, if that is what is holding you back.
But even without one, you can move forward on the things I mentioned above. Just focus on things that will give you lifelong support. The rest will fall into place.
I have been divorced just a little longer than I was married (13-1/2 years married; 14 divorced). I am finally achieving one of my lifelong goals. I'm buying my own place. My ex was content to always be a renter, and consequently, we could never get enough together for that big down payment. The money always went to pay for one of his self-treats.
But since my divorce, I've saved a little, and a recent inheritance from my father (along with the slip in housing costs), gave me just enough boost financially to be able to swing it. I close on March 9.
I know, I NEVER could have done this if I was still married to my ex. He was a financial albatross. So I look at my divorce as the initial thing that made this possible.
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newandbetterlife
recently joined
Reged: 07/20/10
Posts: 12
Loc: Canada
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TryingToCope,
Your situation sounds like it has some similarities to mine. My ex ended our marriage of 14 years & 6 days, and proceeded to move illegally to the USA (I live in Canada). He lied, cheated, and was a financial albatross. He is not responding to the petition for divorce that I have filed. In my situation, I enabled his childish behaviour. After many hours of therapy, I recognize that, although it does not give him the excuse for behaving in such a disrespectful and childish manner.
Since our separation a year & half ago, I have been on the most amazing journey of self discovery and adventure. I have joined wine tasting groups, adventure groups, found new friends, re-connected with old friends, discovered a love of art, live theatre and live music. I have found that I am a strong, independent, resourceful, talented woman. I would have never discovered these things about myself if I had stayed with my ex. I am 36, and have my entire life ahead of me. That does not mean that this journey has been easy, or fun....and I am nowhere near the end of my journey.
Take this time, and re-discover who you are, and what makes you the unique and amazing person that you are. Dare to dream the impossible, and start building a life that is yours. Set goals, build a community of supporters around you. When you start looking for like minded people, and are open to meeting new people, and having new experiences, it's amazing the people that you will discover. People that will have your back in the difficult times, and celebrate with you in the good times.
Good luck!!!
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parker769
recently joined
Reged: 05/15/11
Posts: 1
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HI all,
I am new to this, but I needed to see about getting some advice/help. Maybe even just posting whats going on and how I feel will help. But my ex left 2 years 2 months ago and the divorce was final. I was married for 12 years. I just can't seem to get going on moving on. I have been single ever sense she left, and the thought just scares me to no end. I have tried to do positive things. I lost 22 pounds, working out and just doing bascially anything I can for self-improvement. I feel like I'm stuck and don't know where to go. You'll find this pretty pathetic, but I spent those two years in a self-imposed isolation...hoping that she might realize she made a mistake. Like I said, I just cannot seem to get going again on having a personal life. Is it supposed to be this long, because I feel clueless. thank you in advance for your help
Jeff
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