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nolonger
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Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
Won't get remarried...yet.
      #733456 - 02/28/11 08:34 AM

This is related to a post of mine in Parenting section.

My kids really like my BF of 1 year. I am always surprised by this because they spend very little time with him.

Why? Because I don't want to get remarried while my kids are young. Why get them emotionally involved in my companion if he's not going to be their step dad while they grow up?

Other hand is, then why have them meet the bf at all? Answer is, to let them know that mom is OK, she is happy and safe, and to put a face to the person who calls or for the many times I'm out alone with bf and we run into my kids while they're with their dad (very small town. Unavoidable and it sometimes sux).

Their dad, for years, has told them that he's going to marry his gf. 1 is OK with it, 2 didn't want that but now they are just "ok" with it, and 1 HATES her and never wants it to happen. Yet when it comes to my relationship, my kids want me to marry my bf.

I tell them it's OK to want that, but I worry that they're getting too attached to someone that, who knows, may decide to move or leave or what ever! You just never know! Then they were all worried that my bf was going to break up with me! I told them, "Who cares!?" If that happens mom will be fine and *so will they*.

Do you think I should not let the bf come around when the kids are here any more? To sort of detach them from him?

When I explored this option with my kids, they all said, "No! NO!!! We really want to see him MORE!".

Which goes back to my point. Maybe I should slowly ween them off of him.

It's so odd because they only see him, maybe once a month and I have custody of them 15 days or more out of every month.

All input is appreciated. Tell me like it is, even if it's harsh.

Thank you.


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d2njti
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Reged: 03/05/08
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Re: Won't get remarried...yet. [Re: nolonger]
      #733491 - 02/28/11 10:49 AM

My opinion only - everyones got one of those too, so take it for what it's worth.

Stop trying to play on both sides of the fence. "only see him... once a month", "Mom is ok", BF could move away, run into kids with their Dad, "want to see him MORE". The wishy washy uncertainty seems like a very bad thing for children. Either involve your family with BF or don't have one until they are beyond formative years.

I suggest the later as the best environment for children already struggling with a broken relationship; but it's easy for me to say, my kids are both grown and on their own.


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nolonger
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Posts: 305
Re: Won't get remarried...yet. [Re: d2njti]
      #733611 - 02/28/11 09:42 PM

d2, great response. Thank you.

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Avaya
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Reged: 02/09/06
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Re: Won't get remarried...yet. [Re: nolonger]
      #733635 - 03/01/11 09:09 AM

I applaud your desire not to marry while your kids are young. I don't see a reason to wean them, he IS a part of your life right now, just like any girlfriends you have and just like friends they have in school. ALL people come and go in our lives, not just boy/girlfriends. I don't see anything wrong with him having dinner or a picnik or the movies or the park with you and your friend once or twice a month.

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Eternity is too long to be wrong.


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SRS
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Re: Won't get remarried...yet. [Re: nolonger]
      #733757 - 03/02/11 06:16 AM

I have a guy that I see every so often - on the rare time I don't have the kids. But, I won't be in a regular, committed relationship until my kids are a little older.

Dad lives with his gf - they aren't married.

I think my kids need me right now. My needs for a steady companion can wait a couple of years.


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nolonger
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Re: Won't get remarried...yet. [Re: SRS]
      #736584 - 03/14/11 08:34 AM

I'm walking a fine line. I see this man being in my life for a very long time and I'm glad to see he has a good relationship with my kids. However, yesterday something cruddy happened to me right when my bf briefly came by to drop off his dog (i was dog sitting for him). He felt bad for me, and so did my youngest, so before he left, he gave me a hug and said to my son, "Come in here for a nice big family hug!" So my son happily joined the hug, but I felt hesitant.

Isn't it healthy to have my son witness the correct way to treat his mom? Why do I hesitate? Maybe I'm insecure??


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JazzyB
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Reged: 07/29/11
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Re: Won't get remarried...yet. [Re: nolonger]
      #760938 - 08/29/11 03:21 PM

Do you have reason to suspect anything is not right? If not, then perhaps its your own issues that surfaced here which you may want to address.

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Fishergirl
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Re: Won't get remarried...yet. [Re: JazzyB]
      #761135 - 08/31/11 08:50 AM

Please no offense, but I have never really fully understood this way of thinking.

Ok so your dating a man for over a year. Why (especially after your further comments) would you believe this person to be a bad step parent in your kids lives? Unless your doing something completely unsavory or morally questionable that I would recommend you completely keep the kids out of (and I dont think you are) I dont see why it is so bad to expose your kids to a healthy loving and committed relationship. How can that be so bad? and why is showing your kids a mother who snuck around to have a relationship in her life but otherwise came across as alone a better option? Step parents sometimes get such a bad rap. My dh is such a solid good influence in my kids lives. He doesnt try or want to take over as their dad, but is an added friend.

Oh and trust me - most kids will tell the other parent (not matter how they personally feel about the relationship) that they arent happy with ex remarring. Even if they completely sound sincere, sorry thats just how it is for the most part.

Your kids will pick up more on the fact that your friend offered a group hug to help everyone feel better and you hesitated more than anything else.

Look at it another way. My cousin was killed on a motorcycle accident a few years ago leaving a wife and 2 small kids behind. We grieved terribly because he was so loved. She is now dating the nicest guy and from the photos she sends us, it is the most loving new family situation you would ever see. Kids thrive in an environment of love, support and commitment.

Be happy, let the kids see that your happy and let them share alittle in your happiness as well. It may be better than you could imagine.


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