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Cougr67
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Reged: 02/18/11
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Trial Seperation
      #732201 - 02/21/11 04:59 PM

My wife told me two days ago that she wanted to move out for 6 months. She has tried to get over her co-dependency issues with me for years but has had little success. We both love and respect each other even after 24 years of marriage. Neither of us have had an affair and trust is not an issue with us. We sound like a perfect couple except that she is not happy, she thinks, because her happiness and life revolves around my life and happiness to closely/dependently.

I will do anything to save the marriage including letting her go and hope she comes back in 6 months. We have a 15 yr old son that will live with me so we will see each other and communicate in caring for him.

Has anybody else had a situation like this? Did it work out? What problems do I need to watch out for in a trial separation like this?

Thank you all, this forum is great and the people here seem to want to help.


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Annie7676
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Reged: 06/05/05
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Don't buy it... [Re: Cougr67]
      #733078 - 02/25/11 09:40 AM

that c rap about her unhappiness is YOUR fault I just dont' buy. Unless of course your actions towards her are abusive, like drinking, gambling, anger, fighting...you know a bad situation...if your interaction with each other doesn't have those things then maybe her unhappiness comes from within herself.

Does she work? Have a job? Is she a SAHM?

What do you mean "her happiness revolves around your life" and your happiness?

Where is she going for the next six months?

Its easy to blame others for our unhappiness, but as I posted, unless there are other factors that YOU do that are truly those red flags, then you could do everything in the world and still she may not be happy.


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Cougr67
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Reged: 02/18/11
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Re: Don't buy it... [Re: Annie7676]
      #733117 - 02/25/11 11:48 AM

You are right Annie. We have both been trying to make each other happy for years. I think that is a big part of what co-dependence is.

My wife owns her own business and is expanding into the neighboring state (read successful)and is just moving into an apartment a few miles away, next to my sons high school for his convenience.

We have been going to a therapist / counselor marriage on and off for years and we all agree that while not perfect I have come further and resolve more of my issues than my wife has been able to. The hope is that with time apart she will be able to work on her issues more effectively. She needs to figure out what makes her happy without having to worry about me on a day to day basis.

Not sure if I am saying this right, does that make more sense?


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Annie7676
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Re: Don't buy it... [Re: Cougr67]
      #733162 - 02/25/11 01:47 PM

I guess I am just cynical. I was married to my X for almost 30 yrs being together,,,,,he left to "find" himself...turns out there was OW....got divorced...very sad, tough on the family, blah, blah...

fast forward to present...I am single, self supporting and INDEPENDENT...if your marriage isn't working and she is unhappy and blames you...then you can do all you can and it may not help in the end...if you fix what she says then something else may come up that she is not happy about...you can spend the rest of your life trying to make her happy and fail...

if you love someone, you dont want to lose them, thats the bottom line...couples that love each other work on their problems together...they dont leave and they dont blame...the roll up their sleeves and realize that "if" the other person tells them they want out their world crashes, like your reaction....

sounds to me that she wants out...is there someone else?

since i have been divorced and alone I guess i have gotten really ornery and selfish...i have a SO but if its not working, i just pack up and go home...

we all deserve to be loved unconditionally, i still want to believe in forever...

i hope it works out for all of you

how is you son handling this?


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Cougr67
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Reged: 02/18/11
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Re: Don't buy it... [Re: Annie7676]
      #733167 - 02/25/11 02:02 PM

I hope it works out well too but I admit I am bracing for the worst. I don't think there is another man but then again I can admit that is a possibility. Our councilor / therapist thinks that my wife is sincere in making this work so I guess all I can do is wait and see.

I think my son just doesn't know what to think yet, he hasn't shown any real concern or emotion yet but I have been watching for it and encouraging him to talk if he needs to etc.

Most trial separations seem to turn out like yours did, all I can do at this point is hope that mine doesn't go bad too.

Thanks Annie


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d2njti
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Re: Don't buy it... [Re: Cougr67]
      #733195 - 02/25/11 03:45 PM

Trial separations rarely help and almost always end permanent. I would not recommend that.

If you think that you have a chance with her:
Stay where you are; Stop talking about IT; Focus on you and your son; Be as pleasant and helpful as you possibly can with NO expectation of reciprocation; Do for her and the family because it makes you happy; And give it a fixed period of time.

Best of luck to you. The next step if it goes to that is a very bad experience.


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HappilyMarried
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Reged: 03/01/11
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Re: Don't buy it... [Re: d2njti]
      #733733 - 03/01/11 05:41 PM

I understand the codependency thing. If you've always had trust, there is no reason to not believe her explanations for the separation. Take some time to learn about yourself during this time. She wants to redefine your marital roles; your marriage may come out of this stronger than ever.

--------------------
Only $2.99 at Amazon.com - Stand By Your Man: A Radical but Effective Way to Repair Your Marriage


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lonelynomore
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Reged: 04/07/11
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Re: Don't buy it... [Re: HappilyMarried]
      #740002 - 04/07/11 12:00 PM

If you want to get your marriage back on track you should check out this book. I was on the brink of divorce and it helped me get my marriage back and we're now happy again!

92ec9fo1p0ps7sdmkpkejpu7pb.hop.clickbank.net/


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Cougr67
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Reged: 02/18/11
Posts: 5
Seperation [Re: lonelynomore]
      #755058 - 07/08/11 11:53 PM

It has been nearly 5 months since I started this post, a lot has happened since then.

We are still seperated and as many of you guessed there is another guy. She cares for him a lot but does not love him (her words). She says she only had sex with him once and that was recently, he is mostly just a friend. She says she would like to work on our marriage but is not willing to completely seperate from the other guy. She wants to make the relationship with the other guy non-sexual but keep him as a friend.
I am sure that most of you will think this is rediculous so go ahead and fire away but this really is my last ditch effort at saving our marriage. It is either this or divorce.
Am I crazy for considering this or could it work???


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1goodman
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Reged: 10/02/11
Posts: 16
Re: Seperation [Re: Cougr67]
      #764082 - 10/02/11 02:26 PM

nope. cant work. you must win her back. the other guy must go away forever. you must be absolutely [censored] in your resolve to have her back in your home with you and HER son. you must love her and forgive her but do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of being nice. MAN UP! fight for her love. meet her needs better than that other guy and she will give him up for good. keep your anger and saddness out of it. start lifting weights. blow off the steam. shower her with thoughtfulness, listening, consideration, romance. take charge. surprise her with your willingness. be a better man. be a better friend. be a better dad. dont give up. but dont settle for seconds. tell her shes your girl and thats that. create a whole new conversation for her. take a job helping her in her company. do something exciting. anything to show her youre growing stronger, not weaker. take the next YEAR and focus on supporting and loving her better and more deeply than her guy friend. THEN dont let her mistake your kindness for weakness. once she knows your capabilities to man up and compete for her loyalty and youve totally defeated this other guy on all fronts, she will choose you and all three of you win. dont wait. MAN UP NOW!

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