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Reged: 01/08/11
Posts: 2
tell me i didn't screw up....
      #722329 - 01/08/11 04:51 PM

I'm a first time user for anything like this, but here is my situation. I'm 25 years old and have been married for 2 and 1/2 years. My wife and I have been together for over 8 years. For the last month i have noticed that she was spending more time away from home and less time with me. I work 50 hours a week plus go to school full time so i'm not home often (admittedly) but even when i was home, she wouldn't spend time with me. I eventually found emails between her and an ex-boyfriend of hers, both sexually explicit and them professing their love to each other. I finally confronted her and she fully admitted it. She has been living at her mom's for the last two weeks while she gets things figured out, but has consistently refused to stop communicating with this other guy. Last night, i found that she was searching for information on divorce lawyers. I decided that i had had enough and gave her an ultimatum to either stop talking to the other guy and commit to trying to work on our marriage or pack her crap and go. I gave her 48 hours to give me an answer, but now I am questioning whether i did the right thing without damaging any chance that i may have of saving our marriage.

We have a 15 month old son together and i don't want of this to hurt him, but i am tired of playing the middle ground and no moving on with my life with or without her.

Any insight would be appreciated!!!

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Reged: 01/08/11
Posts: 46
Re: tell me i didn't screw up.... [Re: flyboy]
      #723180 - 01/11/11 04:42 PM

So, it's been 48 hours. What has transpired?

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Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6879
Loc: Texas
Re: tell me i didn't screw up.... [Re: flyboy]
      #723285 - 01/12/11 12:54 AM

From what it sounds like, it is time for both of you to move on. She isn't willing to stop talking to the other man. ANd ultimatums have a way of biting you in the butt. They never work. Move on, would be my advice.

I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.

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old hand

Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 926
Loc: NY
Re: tell me i didn't screw up.... [Re: flyboy]
      #723359 - 01/12/11 08:58 AM

I hate to say it but I think you did the right thing. YOU can't save your marriage no matter how hard you try if the other partner has checked out. She is involved with OM...she has checked out.

Yes you can try to save it alone and drag it on but the fact that she is in contact with the OM, has searched divorce lawyers point to the fact that she is not interested in saving the marriage.

The best advice I can give, seek legal advice and push forward to move on with your life. Yes your son is a sensitive situation but focusing on how to make it the best for him is better than hanging on to someone who has made it clear she wants out.

I am sorry if I sound too blunt and harsh. Been there - done that. My X left me for OW, if I had known at the time it would have been easier to move on...sometimes they come to their senses and make the marriage work...only you and she can know that...I wish you the best if you can save your marriage but if not...then move forward and focus on your life and being a great Dad to your son.

Good luck to you.

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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: tell me i didn't screw up.... [Re: Annie7676]
      #724196 - 01/14/11 10:31 AM

Dude, your marriage is sooooo over...Didn't you know the law ? Why stay with a guy who is ambitious and always gone, when you can just keep a good chunk of his money and have the guy who is always around giving you attention. For her, its a no-brainer...
Can you think of ANY reason why she'd want to " work on the marriage " ? For the kid ? But the kid is her ticket to your wallet until the kid is 21, the kid is her INCENTIVE to leave YOU. Kinda obvious.

"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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Reged: 01/08/11
Posts: 2
Re: tell me i didn't screw up....UPDATE!!! [Re: yregna]
      #725950 - 01/20/11 05:38 PM

After the 48 hours was up, she told me that she didn't love me and that she was unwilling to try and work things out with me. After 24 hours, she and I were able to talk and come to an 'agreement'. She and I are going to remain separated, but there aren't going to be any major changes until we both give counseling, both couples and individual, some time. I am working with my counselor to help my gain some patience and peace while i work on my individual issues and the couples counselor is beginning to help us mend the emotional divide between us. The real unknown, and thus real work, will be done during her individual sessions. While I will agree that my loss of patience and the resulting ultimatum were not the best idea, some positive has come out of it. I just need to learn to keep my patience and work on moving forward without completely shutting the door on a possible, though improbable, reconciliation.

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Reged: 02/28/11
Posts: 1
Re: tell me i didn't screw up....UPDATE!!! [Re: flyboy]
      #733550 - 02/28/11 02:18 PM

I would like to add one thing to this discussion. Be careful about looking at your wife's online activities. Each state has it's own set of laws regarding "snooping" activities, not to mention the federal laws in regards to this. The last thing you want to do is be in court and her attorney use something you did against you, especially if it is a civil or federal crime.

While you may not need an attorney now, I would urge you to seek one out to have on retainer just in case. Also, use that attorney to learn about the state and federal laws so you know what you can and cannot legally do in these situations. It would also be wise to be knowledgeable about what you can do now to protect yourself and your interests in the future should things go south or not get resolved. It's better to safeguard yourself beforehand than be caught off guard later on.

Unfortunately, in divorce even the smallest mistakes could be costly later on.

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Reged: 03/01/11
Posts: 8
Re: tell me i didn't screw up....UPDATE!!! [Re: PdM35]
      #735929 - 03/08/11 02:15 PM

I hope things work out for you.

Only $2.99 at - Stand By Your Man: A Radical but Effective Way to Repair Your Marriage

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