Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Thanks in advance for all your support/insight
Some history.
My wife and I were friends for a couple years in college, and dated for about a year before we were married. We were married for 4.5 years. I come home from a business trip in january and she tells me she wants a divorce, she loves me like a friend, but noting else. She reluctantly goes to marriage counseling once at my request, she is ice the whole time. I find out she had been talking to a guy she had met on an online forum since november. It started with some casual flirting and moved to very explicit conversations. Even through this she never hid the fact that she was married from him, infact she told the new guy I was a great husband, but she wasn't intrested in me "that way" more background.. my wife and I had never been with anyone before we were married, and on our honeymoon we discovered that she had a rare condition that made intercourse painfull, in 4.5 years we had intercourse about 10-12 times. I think thats where the "just frineds" came from. But I was a good husband and stood by here, Ironicly, in december they finally found a cure...I was a bit put out that after standing by her she dumps me after the cure was found (maybe it brought on the end???)
I tried for 2 months to do anything I could to save the marriage, but everything made it worse. She finally moved out last week(back to her parents house), and filed for divorce on monday. I had a very hard time the last two months and had wonderful friends and family support me, and help me deal with all that had happened. I am sad that its over, but realize she is gone for good. It appears the divorce on both sides is sad, not angry. I was angry about the other guy, and getting hit out of the blue, but if she's unhappy, why would i want her to stay? Sure I am sad, and some nights have been restless, but overall I feel like I am missing the deep feeling of loss I read about on here, and dont feel any twinges of anything I would cal "depression". I have been busy with friends and my hobbies, and its been pretty good. I feel Like the whole experience has taught me a lot about myself, things I would change in future relationships, and how I look at the world.
I am sad for the plans we had that will never come to fruition, and wish we could of worked it out, but if thats not happening..why dwell on it? So although I have some low spots in my day(kiddy rollercoaster?), overall I feel like I'm doing well, and searching out new activities/social events and participating in them as time permits. I worry that somehow I'm in some denial or missing somthing thats going to hit me later. I love her, and she and I were fantastic friends (and may be again someday)and we always got along.. so if she's not happy, how can I fault her/want her to stay? She's gotta do whats right for her. I'm still young(29), no stranger to the gym, and consider myself a "good catch" and am not really concerned about finding someone new when the time comes (i'm sure it will, I really enjoyed being married, and hope the next marriage is better for the lessons I have learned.) But I have a nagging feeling like I am feeling "well adjusted" to this too quickly... I am a very logical person (engineer) so the facts tell me that my situation is what it is and deal with it as best as I can. But after reading threads like "5 years, still depressed" ect. I worry that I am missing the boat and am doomed for some big relapse or somthing.. any thoughts?
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I don't think you should dwell on what might happen feeling depressed and sad years later. Some people do that does not mean you will. Some people totally accept that the partner has moved on and doesn't want you anymore and in some ways that is healthier. Many of us hang on and hope beyond hope that the person will come back, change their mind and in most cases they don't.
Yes its sad but it is what it is. It sounds like you are doing well, friends, family, hobbies so continue with those things and take this as a learning experience and a new opportunity to find who you are, what you want and take your time. you have the rest of your life to figure this out.
Divorce is very sad and not a good thing. moving forward is all we can do and only look back to be happy about what you had and feel sad that it ended. As you said it has taught you alot.
If the other partner doesn't want you they don't want you. My X left after a LTM, in retrospect I spent way to much time clinging to the hope he would change his mind, miss me come back....now out of it ...I would have been better off, cutting my losses, clean break and move on.
Thats not to say you wont feel sad and regret but seriously what can you do about it?? NOTHING.
Take care of you in the best way you know how and remember right now is all we have so make the most of it.
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Thanks for the response, it helps. None of my family or friends has gone through a divoece, so although they know that it sucks, they cant really tell me what to expect. Hearing others stories and experiences has really helped. I dont mean to down play it, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and would not wish it on anyone.
I'm sure its not all clear sailing, but the bottom line is, I dont want to feel bad just because I think I should. And I dont want to say the relationship wasn't deep and a driving force in my life, but if she's clearly moved on, why can't i? at least thats my though, I just dont want it to burn me later, you know what i mean?
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Well there is our rational side, our emotional side, our business side, analytical side...many ways to accept our lot in life. Yes the emotional side is disappointed and hurting when our partner leaves us, but the gut for some of us tells us let it go... the partners that leave make it clear they have discarded us, not taken their vows seriously and moved on. The rationale side accepts that but the emotions don't.
Its hard to move on right away when you are the one left...but moving ahead and working towards getting past it is the best approach. Re living it in your head, hoping that it will work, or what went wrong really doesn't work unless the one left had some serious issues. It gets more complicated if you have kids, lots of stuff and years of a life together.
Keep posting here as it is a good outlet to share, vent, be sad, mad, etc. The posters here have been there and done that and everyone can provide some good advice, insight and experience that may help.
If you dont feel bad then don't worry about it but as you kind of indicate, it could come out years later from a suppressed issue. Counseling may help that.
All of us deserve to be in a relationship where our partners love us, cherish us and want to make it work. When the other one has left, it just isn't going to work. Your wife made her choice and has moved on.
You can pick up the pieces, one by one, look at them, examine them and use the analysis to figure out what you want to do. For some it takes longer, you need to give yourself time to heal but one day you will wake up and it won't be the first thing you think of.
I was with my X for almost 30 yrs, he left for OW. It hurt and was very sad. Now ten yrs later, I am over it, I actually see my X from time to time and to be quite honest I feel nothing and can talk to him, without feeling one shred of emotion. In fact last week I saw him at a place I didn't expect anyone I knew to be and he had to approach me because you see I didn't even recognize him. So it does get better...the best in your life is still there.
Having gone through this it may make you stronger and more focused on the next time...figure out what you want..and dont settle for less.
the fact that you accepted her problem for so many years, geesh dont do that again...
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Yes, I wont be doing that again for sure! (living with an un-addressed issue, with the subject becoming "forbidden"). And how I did deal with it was ineffectiove and worked to push us apart. I have really lookd at my actions and have identified some areas I need to continue to improve myself, and want to know more about my relationship next time, I thought our issues were few and small, but they ate away the marriage. I will not settle for a "good" or "acceptible" relationship next time. I am going to get one that I can be "engaged" in. The biggest thing I have learned there is a diffrence between being curtious and being a doormat. Not losing myself in the relationship was a huge takaway lesson for me. The more mature our relationship became, the less secure i felt in it, weird right? Thanks for the kind words and advice, I find myself sleeping well, enjoying my friends more than ever and have started a couple new activities that I really enjoy. I know I will get married again, and am honestly excited for that someday, because I know I am going to be a much better husband the second time around (not that I felt I was terrible before but not perfect either - we can always grow!) I will miss her, and hope she is happy, but I just know that chapter of our lives is closed. But my issue is I feel this way.. and havn't even been served my papers yet! (although we have been living seperate lives for about 3 months now, maybe thats a part of it)
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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As I see it, you did not have a normal marriage, and while you do feel sadness, there's a part of you that realizes that this has set you free to find a true, complete relationship with another woman.
I wouldn't mourn that too much, either, if I were in your shoes.
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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I hear you, its sad to lose what i considered my "best friend". I am just wondering what I can do.. like a "mental checklist" to reflect on and decide if I am In a position to be "good" for someone else. I'm not desprate to get into a relationship right away, but I'm not opposed to it either, if the right person came along (I tend to be a bit fussy about who is a good match for me). I would hate for whomever it was a) to ever feel like they were a rebound b) for them to have to deal with any baggage from my previous relationship...although I dont see anything that I would call "baggage" associated with it currently.
Bottom line.. I'm not looking to hurt someone or myself in moving on, and I feel like I've moved on. Like you say, parts of the marriage were atypical, I wonder how much that eases this transition for me now.
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selfcare
recently joined
Reged: 03/11/11
Posts: 5
Loc: Georgia, USA
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I think you've gotten some excellent advice from others on this forum.
Sometimes relationships become habits instead of the true loving relationships they promised to be in the beginning. Mentally and emotionally, you probably left your marriage a long time ago.
Before you will be able to fully move past this relationship and be truly ready for another one, you will need to understand your role in the demise of the marriage. Sometimes it's as simple (and as complicated) as poor communication; not saying what needed to be said, not listening or not asking the importat questions. It may be other things as well. If you don't figure out your part in it, you will take those issues to your next relationship.
This is a perfect time for you to examine your own beliefs about relationships and become reaquainted with who you are. One way to do that is to set aside at least 15 to 30 minutes each day and just write whatever comes to your mind. Don't censor yourself, just write. You will be surprised at the clarity that comes from putting your thoughts on paper versus letting them spin around in your mind.
You seem like someone who has his head together... I know you'll come through this just fine.
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Linda T
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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I could feel my wife pushing away, and seperating herself from the marriage (even before the other guy). It really caused me to cling on and try to "close the gap". It just ended up making it worse, and it made her feel like I was needy and weak. Also I would say I wasnot as "in tune" with her needs as much as I had thought previously. Lots of my effors were wasted on things that she didn't care about. Live and learn! I have been doing some journaling and it has helped, esp when I feel some sadness/regret coming on thinking about the loss. I end up feeling much better.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Keepenon,
Perhaps you would have more feeling about the divorce if your children were being taken away ? Most men have their children taken away at this juncture. Also, a lot of men get to pay alimony, so maybe you'd be a bit more agitated if you had to pay her to screw the new guy ?
Count your self lucky, guy....And do not EVER get married again without spending a day perusing the Alimony forum on this site. It should open your eyes a bit. Women are predatory and selfish by nature as you found out. You basically got off scott free moneywise...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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