Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Oh, finacially I'm fine.. and you are aboloutly correct, having no children makes it loads easier emotionally. I can see where a lot of anger comes from. I guess my concern was the sadness was intense and crushing for a couple weeks and seems to almost have gone as quickly as it arrived, with just fleeting thoughts and sad/upsetting moments occasionally. I was worried I was setting myself up for a big fall, but I guess its a combination of a peacful divorce, no kids, and number of otherfactirs that is helping me cope.. I know she didn't do this to hurt me directly, and wish her the best.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Wishing her the best and moving on is about the best path you can take. Your divorce was not complicated by children and that can be a good thing.
Many as you can see from one of the posts here are left with an incredibly bitter taste after a divorce particularly if they got hit financially. While their posts can be very angry there is something to learn from their situation.
At some point in the future, you may meet someone, while it will be exciting and most likely great, approach any relationship with caution, emotionally maybe not but from a business sense yes. That sounds terrible doesnt' it? But its a reality...many marriages break up these days and when they do if assets, kids, houses, jobs, pensions are involved it can get very ugly. Hence, the very negative posters here who have had that experience.
You will be fine, you will feel sadness and a sense of loss but you will move on and do what you want with the rest of your life. Use this experience to grow from and figure out what you want for yourself and another relationship. Enjoy your life now, its up to you.
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Yes, I def will be addressing the business side of my next marriage. I tend to seek out a mate with similar goals and values (savings/plan for retirement/ hard working). My last wife was so similar that we were able to say..you keep yours, I'll keep mine and come out pretty even. It seems like the $$ issues will take away from some of the romance.. But I will not be working till I'm 65 (or forever) because I didn't realize how quickly things can change.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Quote " I tend to seek out a mate with similar goals and values (savings/plan for retirement/ hard working). My last wife was so similar that... "
You've heard the old saying " Its a woman's right to change her mind... "
People change, so it won't matter what type of person you choose, because your choice is based upon their character at that time. If she changes her mind later on, YOU are the one mandated by the contract to keep her standard of living the same, NOT HER.
YOU are the one mandated to go away from the children, NOT HER.
YOU are the one mandated to work and earn similar income year after year after year, NOT HER.
That is how the contract works. Sweet deal if you can get it...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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true, but I'm not going to be living my life in fear.. I only get one.. why waste it with excessive worry or anger?
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Your feelings are your feelings. Just because you're not depressed and hopeless now doesn't mean you will be later. I think given some of the information you shared (being an engineer) you are very used to thinking logically and not emotionally. Your logical mind knows it's over, you're sad but not devestated. That's ok.
I think when you read about the depression after 5 years it's not usually still over the divorce or end of the relationship but more likely the person attributing other things that have happened to that. No one can say if they would be less depressed if they were still married. It just seems that once a divorce happens every bad thing that happens to a person is because of the divorce. Not really true but that's the way an emotional mind works.
Anger is completely different. Holding on to the anger for years and years is just not mentally healthy. When a person does that they can never get to the point of happiness.
I think you should take your feelings for what they are, and not wonder about the future feelings that may come up. It sounds like you'll be just fine. I do have to say that I had to laugh when you said you were sure the time would come when someone else came into your life. I thought that too......10 years ago and so far nope. I did have one LTR in there but nothing since then. Sometimes life doesn't work the way you see it working. Now I'm to the point where I can't see myself married again. Of course I already had kids when i divorced so it wasn't as if I didn't have my chance to have a family.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Agreed, I am probibly overthinking it. Got my papers on saterday. Looks Like I'm 2 signatures and a waiting period away from being single again. Kinda scary, but exciting at the same time. Its weird, from the little I've talked to her, it seems like she is much more angry with me than I am with her, despite me really doing nothing wrong.. is that totally weird? whats going on with that? Atleast its still proceeding peacefully.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Not weird......you were suppossed to be devestated and crawl into a hole and wither without her. At least that's the way a lot of leavers seem to feel. It's like they think they "made" you. It's ok for them not to love you anymore but how dare you feel the same way. And she may be finding out that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Everything new about the future is scary and exciting. It's suppossed to be that way. I think you'll be just fine. Granted this part of your life is over. All that means is this not not the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. She's out there waiting for you some place.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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I guess thats true, although I have not let on to her how well its going for me, I fear it would take what's left of her "being nice" away! Her dad has made it brutally clear that he wants to remain friends, I'm the "son he never had" and her sister insists I remain godfather for my (ex)niece, so I know I will be crossing paths with her in the future, I hope her anger will subside and we can all get along. I have no intention of trying to restart a romance with her, but I'm not walking away from people that care about me and I care about just because of this.
PS your sig has me lol every time!
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Even not letting on, she can probably see that you aren't curled in a fetal position. If you keep in touch with her family I'm sure they've mentioned that you're "fine" at the very least. "Fine" is not devestated, ya know?
I don't think her anger will last forever. I've been divorced for 10 years. My x and I really, really disliked each other at the time. We were both very angry, although I think him more than me (and he too was the leaver). Today he is married, I am not and we all get along fine. (His wife had nothing to do with our divorce) He still irritates me sometimes but now I can shrug and think "That's why we're divorced". I had to let go of A LOT to get to this point, but we all, mostly because of the kids, spend most holidays together and take the kids to various events.
Now that Sister Wives has come out I'm almost afraid of what people think when they see us! *shudder*. Seriously though. Time does heal a lot and there is hope for a civilized relationship.
My signature line is really old and abbreviated from a joke e-mail I read once entittled "Occasions Hallmark Doesn't Make Cards For But Should." If I can dig up the e-mail I'll post it. There are some good laughs there! Ironically, I was not thinking of my XH when I put that on there but rather an x boyfriend who came after. LOL
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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