Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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well that give me hope. How long did it take you to not be angry anymore? (I know everyone is diffrent)
I know that I'm doing pretty well with it after yesterday. I had to seperate all the christmas decorations yesterday and it didn't upset me, it was just a chore that needed doing. I gave her the "first x mas" and wedding ornaments, but i was thinking I didn't want them so I figured if she did she could have them, or she could thow them away. I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty, ( i would of at the start of the divorce process).. It was one of those things I was kind of dreading in my mind but it was really no big deal.. like sorting spoons..lol
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Yes, everyone is different and every situation is different. My x and I have children so I had to and continue to have to deal with him. I think if we wouldn't have had kids I'd have stopped being angry long before I was. Also when I look back I wasn't "perpetually" angry. It came and went over stupid things he did over the years. The stupid things haven't stopped, but my perception HAS. Now I just think "And this is why we are divorced". LOL I no longer play into his passive agressive behavior. I just ignore it and when he gets in a snit I remain calm. It's a balance.
I guess if I had to pinpoint it I'd say the off and on anger lasted about 4 years.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Thanks for sharing.. well I signed the settlement and its in the mail to her lawyer to file. Just gotta wait for the final date now. Havent heard from her in weeks although its a little weird seeing as we work at the same company (she works at a site 40 min from me) but I'm sure I will run into her time to time. I'm ok with that, But I really wonder if she is going to feel the same. My friends told me yesterday that they were shocked how well I was doing, they said if they hadn't know what happened, they would never of guessed, I was my old self. That made me feel really good about how I'm feeling!
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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You ask about anger and I think everyone's actions are different. I dont recall feeling anger but an incredible sense of sadness and loss. The fact that my X was not honest about there being OW did NOT help. I still believe that "if" he had been honest about the OW it would have been so much easier to move on. Still sad, and still disappointing but somehow easier.
Anger, many feel it which is ok for them.
I think you will do fine. In our own way we all have our emotional reaction, anger for some, acceptance for others, sadness, indifference...
We all just have to finish that chapter in our book of life, look back once in awhile, remember the good times and consider it over.
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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yeah I know what you mean, I have a ton of happy memories from my marriage, kinda sad that no more will be made, but there is an endless oppertuninty for new memories now. My ex was never really honest with me about the OG, but it really didn't change the outcome for me. It was going to fail. I'm not really an angrey kind of person, and I cant remeber the last time I lost my temper, I'm pretty even keel about issues. I guess it makes sense, and why change now that I've finally found myself, right? ;o) Its still a litte sad, yet freeing to be done with this mess. I have a whold new sympathy and respect for anyone who has gone through this. Divorce sucks!
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Look for those opportunities now. I took about 5 yrs to get my head together after my divorce. I worked on myself, refocused some goals, and figured it out for me. It was hard especially when you have to adjust to do it alone but now I feel fine and everything is good. In a way the divorce made me a better person. I examined my part in the demise of the marriage and learned to try to handle things differently. I am sure you will find similar situations in your own quest to move ahead.
Its sad yes it is but life goes on, we can either get on with on or forever wallow in misery.
You have the rest of your life starting with right now to do it over and over...I think thats a pretty good deal.
But again, moving past the sadness, loss can catch us up.
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Yea, I def feel that I am/becoming a better person for it. It going to be intresting to see what the future brings. Speaking of which, I have a date on tuesday night. :o) Its a little weird, as its the first one after the divorce, and I am a little leery of when and what to say about the divorce. My plan is to not bring it up, but itf it does come up just be upfront about it. Besides, the only thing it should do for this girl is she'll be dating a better guy that she otherwise would (if I hadn't been married/learned the lessons)..
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Many will tell you its too early to date, but each person is different. Honesty is probably the best policy. You are still young and my advice since I am old, is to take your time and enjoy dating. The more you do the better you get at it.
If I had to do it over now that I am out of a LTM, kids, etc I would have waited to get married, may not have had kids and focused on my career and what "I" wanted out of life. That sounds incredibly selfish but after being 20, 30, 40 one begins to see things differently. However, I guess with the "right" person, its supposed to be all good those years.
Don't rush getting into a new relationship, take it slow and use your time wisely. Getting entangled this early on may not be good, but then again who knows. Balance I guess.
As for the future, it will bring what it brings, but the best part is that its out there waiting and now you are free to live it however you want. One thing being single does is let you decide what/where/who you want to go and be with.
And I hope that brings a smile to your face.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Quote " I have a whole new sympathy and respect for anyone who has gone through this. Divorce sucks! "
Not really, you basically went through a divorce like a female, some emotional pain, but not much else...Of course women piss and moan about how rough their lives are, all the while receiving a check each month for past sexual services. I wouldn't go to far saying you understand what it feels like to pay your ex wife to screw someone else. Or pay her to lie and say the kids are sick, you can't have visitation, or lie and say she " always wanted to work, but he said he didn't want me to.. " Or taking your daughter to every single soccer game, and soccer practice twice a week, for 3 years straight, and have that taken away.
I doubt you understand how that feels...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Keepenon
newbie
Reged: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
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Oh i had the fear, but it all worked out, dont think I wasn't feeling the full gravity of the situation ,and how badly it could of gone. But unlike you I've never been a fan of throwing myself a pity party in everyones thread.
I did end up going out with the girl and we had a great time, we ended up having lots in common. Not saying its serious or anything, but it was nice that it A) wasn't a disaster and B) I didn't feel weird about being out on a date like I thought I might be. The good news is I am back to my old self, working on hobbies and hanging out with friends. I guess thats as good as it can get.
Edited by Keepenon (04/04/11 08:57 AM)
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