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nolonger
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Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
Uh oh. Someone just came available...
      #738361 - 03/27/11 06:10 PM

...but I'm already in a relationship.

Background: I met this man 5 years ago. He was in a relationship, I was married. His girl moved away. He called me and my friends to help him find a gf. He found one on his own.

As my marriage was ending, he was getting close to getting married to her. She had coffee with me as friends, but it was clear she was checking me out and keeping him away from me. Fine. We were no longer close friends. No big deal.

I divorced, he married, I waited some time (9 months or so) and found a guy. Didn't think much of it.

He divorced.

He called me. I enjoyed rekindling the friendship but had a feeling this was more than a friendly call.

I told him about my relationship. He respects that.

The thing is, he admits he's interested in me. And I admit I'm interested in him.

But my relationship is fine! In fact, it's perfect for now. The future? That is another story. He is 11 years older than me. We both don't want to remarry.

But this other guy, well, I could see...IDK.

Either way, I told him he JUST got divorced so he is in NO position to move on yet. He agrees.

Can you see the tangled web I'm starting to weave? I'm not stupid, so please save your basic morality comments. I already know...

If anyone has ever faced life without a crystal ball and does not know which path to follow, can you post me some advice on how to sort life out without hurting others?

I just don't know if I should or how I should consider the other guy! My current bf is totally fine. Perfect. For now...


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yregna
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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: Uh oh. Someone just came available... [Re: nolonger]
      #743926 - 04/27/11 02:56 PM

Quote " My current bf is totally fine. Perfect. For now... "

At least you are honest in admitting you are using your current boyfriend. Good on you for being honest with your total lack of character or morals.

--------------------
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"


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Bummin
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Reged: 04/06/11
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Loc: Southeast Michigan
Re: Uh oh. Someone just came available... [Re: yregna]
      #744008 - 04/27/11 11:22 PM

Sounds as though you already have the "other guy" penciled in on your schedule. "totally fine. Perfect. For now..." How would you feel if someone said that about you? In addition to that, you are flat-out plotting behind the back of Mr. Perfect? You are sabotaging your current relationship by doing this and that leaves you with this question to ponder; Is it better to tell Mr. Perfect what you have already decided in the near future or let the sabotage grow into conflict, anger and frustration drag on to its ultimate end? I guess wasting a chunk of your life bickering and arguing with Mr. Perfect would get you past "other guys" rebound period! I'm not casting judgement and I mean no ill will. I'm just hopefully giving you a perspective from outside the box. You need to make yourself happy FIRST! Simple but critical. If you aren't happy or often think you could be happier in a different situation, then THAT should be your goal. Sometimes that means others are hurt. Minimize the hurt to others by being honest and sincere and you will minimize any regret in the future. You will be a better person for it as well! I hope it works out well for you. Everyone deserves to be happy.

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nolonger
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Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
Re: Uh oh. Someone just came available... [Re: Bummin]
      #746951 - 05/14/11 12:28 PM

Yes, both of those responses is what I needed to hear. My original post is from Mar 27. Since then, I searched my moral character long and hard, and decided to either stay in or get out. I stayed in and other guy knows and respects this and we have not spoken since. In fact, this little episode got me to "get over" any other possibilities of being "happier".

Which I guess is my point. How do we know what our true happiness is? For me, there's a "for now" happiness and a "forever" happiness. Due to unusual circumstances, they can't be the same for another 8 years.

Is it fair to anyone to not achieve temporary happiness? Is it fair to anyone to hold out for forever happiness that long?

I'm not a selfish person, but I believe in keeping my sanity while selflessly being there for my loved one. A fraction of the equation of my sanity is my temporary happiness. Another fraction of my sanity is to make others in my life feel happy and loved.

I called it a tangled web. Some call it life. Troll calls it lack of moral character. Either way, it's complicated.

Does anyone have a set standard of proceedure post-divorce? Or do people here fly by the winds of change? There is a line we all won't cross. How do we work out the details?


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Eve
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Reged: 11/28/05
Posts: 112
Re: Uh oh. Someone just came available... [Re: nolonger]
      #754353 - 07/04/11 12:46 PM

Well, I think you have good moral character, if anything. From what you say, you have not done anything wrong. Your delimma, stems from some unfinished business, so to speak. You don't really know how you feel about this other man, because you have not really had the chance to explore that and spend alone time with him. But, you seem to feel there is something there, or at least could be something there that may be stronger than what you feel for the current boyfriend. Hmmmm....

So, do the regret game. Which would you regret more in 10 years? Not leaving your current boyfriend and exploreing what may be with the new one. Or staying with the current boyfriend and never knowing what may have been with the new one? It is complicated......because there are pros and cons to both.....but only you know your tolerance for risk and regret.

I think we all want "forever happiness"......the one you meet where there is not a shadow of a doubt that your journey to find a partner is over. Where there is no one you would rather be with at any given time. But what we want is not always what we need.


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yregna
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Reged: 07/25/06
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Re: Uh oh. Someone just came available... [Re: Eve]
      #756341 - 07/20/11 10:42 AM

Eve,
The fact that her statement " My current bf is totally fine. Perfect. For now... " does not EVEN REGISTER WITH YOU AS A MORALITY PROBLEM SHOWS CLEARLY.

That you consider using men as a moral activity. Hoooray for you, you are with the majority of women.

--------------------
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"


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DedicatedDad
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Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
Re: Uh oh. Someone just came available... [Re: nolonger]
      #756389 - 07/20/11 02:00 PM

Leave your current boyfriend. He deserves better than someone that clearly has a risk of cheating. You know you are going to cheat sooner or later....perhaps you aren't the marrying type.

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Maury
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Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8178
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Re: Uh oh. Someone just came available... [Re: DedicatedDad]
      #756966 - 07/22/11 10:44 PM

Look at that Dedicated Dad - we agree. I also believe the posting party is troll trying to stir the pot.

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