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College_Mom
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Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!!
      #745426 - 05/04/11 06:41 PM

Hey there! I stumbled across this site and was hoping someone can relate/provide some insight on my current situation..here goes!

I have been seperated/divorced from my son's dad since my son was a yr old (hes 7 now). He has only resided with me since. After putting off school 2x during our relationship, I mnaged to put myself through college and received my BS. I need to have my Masters in order to get any sort of job in my field, but where I live, no schools offer my program. I applied to many schools and was accepted to a school in Nevada (I live in NY) and all of a sudden my ex is fighting me on moving. I offered him the same number of days visitation ( he has 32 hrs/wk now). Up until recently he has never been a model parent nor adhered to his scheduled visitation. He also is on permanent disability, doesn't work, etc and doesn't even bother to call our son or see him unless its on his scheduled time. I make close to minimum wage at my job now, and as the sole parent responsible for the majority of our sons care and expenses, I know I cannot provide him with the life he should have: a college education, a steady place to live, etc. We were young when we got married, had no property/savings, etc.

Basically, I'm trying to figure out how to present a valid argument for the mediator to rule in my favor when we go to court in two weeks, as going to trial will cause me to lose my spot in the program (it starts in august).

Any advice would be sincerely appreciated! thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!


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BeachBabeRN
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745434 - 05/04/11 07:49 PM

You are free to move anywhere you like -- your son may or may not go with you.

How can your ex have the same amount of time per week with that distance between you? It's impossible -- unless you're going to try and have him cram all his visitation time into an extended summer break.

I find it hard to believe that there isn't a single program that you can take online, long distance, etc. -- most schools have some type of online stuff that you can take -- members of the active duty military will attest to that.

How do you make **close** to minimum wage? You either make it or you don't, with the exception of being a waitress or something --

What is your degree in? And, forgive me for asking, but why did you choose a major that needed so much education at the front end?


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: BeachBabeRN]
      #745446 - 05/04/11 08:19 PM

"How can your ex have the same amount of time per week with that distance between you? It's impossible -- unless you're going to try and have him cram all his visitation time into an extended summer break."
I offered him all week long school breaks, a month and 1/2 over the summer, as well as an open ended invite for him and his g/f to come and visit whenever they would like. I also offered (with help from my family) to front the costs of the airfare to fly my son home and back for these visits.

"I find it hard to believe that there isn't a single program that you can take online, long distance, etc. -- most schools have some type of online stuff that you can take -- members of the active duty military will attest to that."

My major is a "hands- on" field: earth/geological/environmental sciences.


"How do you make **close** to minimum wage? You either make it or you don't, with the exception of being a waitress or something --"

My gross salary is 24,200/yr. and I am at max salary for my job.

What is your degree in? And, forgive me for asking, but why did you choose a major that needed so much education at the front end?
Because when I initially started my studies I was not a mother nor was I married. I dropped out to work full time to support my child, then my now ex-husband when he was no longer working. Moving out of state for 2 years to get my degree, so that when we move back here I can actually give my son a better life doesn't seem like to much to ask of a man that had nothing to do with his child until the last 2 years, and in that 2 years has lost him in a public place for 2 hours, showed up to ds's little league game toasted to the point his girlfriend had to drag him out of the park...


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745448 - 05/04/11 08:23 PM

oh, also I must mention that my ex lives 10 minutes away, does not work(permanent disability), nor attends any sort of schooling, but when i asked in the beginning of the school year if he'd like to pick up his son a few days a week from school to hang for a lil as opposed to him going to the after school program until I got home from work, he told me he couldn't. He does not call his son nor return my sons calls during the week, nor does he attend any school functions (and yes I tell him about them with weeks advance notice as well as reminders)

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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745452 - 05/04/11 08:53 PM

"I also offered (with help from my family) to front the costs of the airfare to fly my son home and back for these visits."

What do you mean "front" the money? The costs of transportation will be SOLELY up to you, as you are the relocating parent.

"My major is a "hands- on" field: earth/geological/environmental sciences."

You are an hour or so from New York/Philadelphia/Maryland (depending on where you are in NJ), why the need to move most of the way acreoss the US? These states have some of the BEST schools in the WORLD. Drexel, U of P, Temple, Rutgers, Syracuse, etc etc etc.

Since living that far away seems okay with you, leave the child with Dad, you go to school for 2 years, YOU fly back and forth to see the child, and come back when you are done. If you DON'T agree with that, then you are a hypocrite for expecting HIM to live with that.

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745459 - 05/04/11 09:04 PM

gr8Dad,
Yes I offered to pay the money, even though i do not receive child support, only 100.00 from his disibility. I am in NY, i applied to the progam that was here initially, but due to state cuts, the program too was cut. I tried to stay local as I applied to quite a few schools in the surrounding area (under a 4 hr drive from current local) unfortunately, those schools did not accept me as my major has a very competitive, limited program.
My son has already expressed his want to come with me, and when his father and I discussed this with him he told both of us he would go live with dad, but only if mom came.
I am not a hypocrite for not wanting to leave my son who has lived soley with me for the last 6 years of his life, I am a concerned mother who has seen the disinterest he has in his sons day to day life. He was ok with this when I applied to the schools, as I let him know every step of the way (we are civil), until I got the acceptance letter and he told his parents that we were leaving, then all of a sudden he changed his mind.

one more thing "gr8dad" if you were raising your children and you had to move temporarily for a job or something, would you leave your children with someone who doesn't even know their teachers name or the childs after school hobbies/day to day stuff, then come back for them? if not, then you sir are the hypocrite here...

Edited by College_Mom (05/04/11 09:11 PM)


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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745463 - 05/04/11 09:20 PM

"Yes I offered to pay the money, even though i do not receive child support, only 100.00 from his disibility."

So what do you call that money? A donation?

"I am in NY, i applied to the progam that was here initially, but due to state cuts, the program too was cut. I tried to stay local as I applied to quite a few schools in the surrounding area (under a 4 hr drive from current local) unfortunately, those schools did not accept me as my major has a very competitive, limited program."

SO you are not good enough to get into a LOCAL school, and you think that justifies you moving thousands of miles away?

"My son has already expressed his want to come with me, and when his father and I discussed this with him he told both of us he would go live with dad, but only if mom came."

OMG, you involved a SIX year old in such a conversation?

"one more thing "gr8dad" if you were raising your children and you had to move temporarily for a job or something, would you leave your children with someone who doesn't even know their teachers name or the childs after school hobbies/day to day stuff, then come back for them? if not, then you sir are the hypocrite here..."

The difference between your hypothetical situation, and the REAL situation is that you don't HAVE to move, you are CHOOSING to move. Choose a different major.

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745474 - 05/04/11 09:43 PM

donation!? I pay for and provide everything for my son, insurance, school, after care, activities, basic essentials such as clothes and a roof over his head working my ass off while he does nothing all day, has 2 cars, and makes more in disability than i do working. the only reason i even get that is because my son lives with me, not by my asking or his. I cannot afford to change majors and start over while caring for my child, nor do i think its fair that I cannot have the chance to improve our lives since his father will not and stated for the record, contribute to his sons education or expenses in the future. He could care less about his son the first 5 years of his life, and he even up and moved to arizona for 9 months without so much of a phone call until after he was already there. he made no efforts to contact his son in that time frame either.
I am choosing to move so I can have a real career to support my child, not live on a salary that is less than the cost of renting a one bedroom apartment in our court set 50 mile radius for a year. This is not a hypothetical situation, I busted my ass for the last 7 years trying to make a life for my son and myself and now that I'm nearing 30, I'd like to be able to start settling down and buy a home, etc...
And yes we discussed this with our 7 year old son, we asked him what his feelings were about moving and such. if my son was adamant about not moving then we would not be going.
And how dare you insult my intelligence?! I graduated at the top of my program, magna cum laude from a distinguished university here. Not to mention I managed to do this while working and caring for my child with no help at all from him or anyone else... but when a fellowship program offers 12-15 openings and over 2,000 grads apply, yea competition is a little tough...

I'm so glad this site is supposed to provide a forum for advice or question...you ask for help/advice and instead you are insulted and accused by people that do not even know your situation nor you... What a waste of a potentially good site...


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M5M5
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745477 - 05/04/11 09:51 PM

Gr8dad doesn't have the best delivery, but he does offer good advice. If your ex is willing to fight you on the move, you probably don't have much chance in moving with your child. The courts will tell you that it's fine if you want to move, but moving a child away from a father he has a relationship with shouldn't happen.

Ignore the insults..or the perceived insults.


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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745478 - 05/04/11 09:55 PM

"donation!?"

YOU said you do not get child support. THEN you said you get $100 a month. So if you DON'T get "child support", what do you consider the $100 to be?

"he even up and moved to arizona for 9 months without so much of a phone call"

So creating a distance between a parent and a child is BAD, right? So what are YOU wanting to do?

"And how dare you insult my intelligence?! I graduated at the top of my program"

Obviously not in the top 12 or 15, or you would be in the local program, LOL.

"you ask for help/advice and instead you are insulted and accused by people that do not even know your situation nor you... What a waste of a potentially good site..."

We don't "love bomb" here, you get REAL advice. You WILL lose any court action to relocate because you CHOOSE to go to school. You are claiming you barely make enough to survive here, yet you WILL be able to survive in a NEW town, with a NEW job, while attending school, with NO support system. Great call...

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: M5M5]
      #745482 - 05/04/11 10:02 PM

thanks m5m5, but theres no reason to attack people that are looking for people who have been in similar situations or know someone who has been to get some advice. When I started the grad school process my ex was ok with it, he knew where i was applying, and my intentions and was supportive up until the day we had to go to court to amend the agreement. If my son was close to his father it would have been a no brainer non-issue, but the fact is he's a very hands off dad. On the 1 night he has him, half the time my ex's parents end up with our son, not him. Mind you my ex is ill, and even after we split I was still there for him, supported him, and tried to make him present in my sons life. He is a strictly weekend dad, when he shows up... I am not denying him time with his son, as I even offered him and his g/f unlimited visits to come out there and stay with us if/when we moved. Gr8dad may have good advice for some, but apparently he doesn't hear what others say and formulates his own opinion on selective reading. Last I checked, the expression our parents teach us is "if you don't have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all..."

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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745483 - 05/04/11 10:08 PM

"Last I checked, the expression our parents teach us is "if you don't have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all..."

Wow, for someone who just spent all that time crapping on the kids Dad, you really got balls to post such a quote...

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745486 - 05/04/11 10:10 PM

The 100 a month is not considered child support, as it does not come from my ex, it comes from the govt. Our court papers clearly state that he does not pay child support. the local program is no more, or else yes I would have gotten in. SUNY shut down the program entirely. As for relocating costs, it is a fellowship program, which covers my tuition, 3/4 of my living expenses, as well as a yearly stipend that is almost equal to my current salary. Another plus is that I would not have to have someone watch my son after school while I was working, as my program schedule provides me the opportunity to pick him up from school and spend more time with him. The school my son would be attending there is a nationally ranked school, and has a better curriculum than the public schools do here. And when he moved it wasn't the distance, as he was already an absentee father, but the fact he could not even inform the mother of his child that he left the state was carelessness.
I wasn't looking for "love bombs" I asked for help/advice from anyone that has been in my situation, not insults and derogatory comments from someone who thinks he's all knowing and better than everyone else...


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M5M5
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745487 - 05/04/11 10:11 PM

No, there shouldn't be insults and attacks thrown in. There are alot of good people here that can offer you real good advice...just don't be put off by the insults. I've developed some pretty thick skin myself.

Trust me, I know what it's like to have a hands off, weekend dad to deal with. The point is, there IS a relationship there, and not many judges will grant your request to relocation for school if your ex fights you on it.


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745488 - 05/04/11 10:13 PM

FYI I was not crapping on him, I was stating the facts. To this day I have been there for him through all of the crap he has gone through/done. I was the one who bailed him out of jail when he got a DWI, not his family or girlfriend. I was the one sitting vigil when he was in the ICU on a respirator 9 months ago and they thought he was going to die, and I was the one who let him stay with my family when we split because his parents turned him away...

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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745489 - 05/04/11 10:16 PM

"The 100 a month is not considered child support, as it does not come from my ex, it comes from the govt."

Typical misconception. It is a contribution towards the raising of the child because his father is disabled.

"the local program is no more, or else yes I would have gotten in. SUNY shut down the program entirely."

So what are the 12-15 people who beat out 2,000 people doing?

"As for relocating costs, it is a fellowship program, which covers my tuition, 3/4 of my living expenses, as well as a yearly stipend that is almost equal to my current salary. Another plus is that I would not have to have someone watch my son after school while I was working, as my program schedule provides me the opportunity to pick him up from school and spend more time with him. The school my son would be attending there is a nationally ranked school, and has a better curriculum than the public schools do here."

Great. So how do the FATHERS in the area rank. because the kids FATHER will not be there.

"And when he moved it wasn't the distance, as he was already an absentee father, but the fact he could not even inform the mother of his child that he left the state was carelessness."

What happened to "If you can't say something nice..."?

"I wasn't looking for "love bombs" I asked for help/advice from anyone that has been in my situation, not insults and derogatory comments from someone who thinks he's all knowing and better than everyone else..."

I gave you advice, you will NOT be granted a move away to go to school. You didn't LIKE that. As far as being "better" than everyone else, never claimed that, but I AM better than you, as I completed MY degree, while working FULL time and raising THREE kids on less from their mother than YOU are getting in "child support".

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: M5M5]
      #745492 - 05/04/11 10:19 PM

I did not insult in my first post, I asked some questions to clarify her post. She didn't LIKE being questioned (which, as YOU know, will go over GREAT in court).

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: M5M5]
      #745494 - 05/04/11 10:21 PM

[quote]No, there shouldn't be insults and attacks thrown in. There are alot of good people here that can offer you real good advice...just don't be put off by the insults. I've developed some pretty thick skin myself.

Trust me, I know what it's like to have a hands off, weekend dad to deal with. The point is, there IS a relationship there, and not many judges will grant your request to relocation for school if your ex fights you on it. [/quote]

thanks, but i think i'm just going to leave this site. Sadly, the GAL appointed to my son in this case had nicer things to say about the situation and put her recommendation in for my son to be able to move with me at the mediation hearing then I have experienced on this site thus far. All I wanted was to see if there was a way to avoid the trial and have to drag this on and put my son thru the court system. Instead, I have just found more reasons why I shouldn't have any more children, as I could not bear to go thru this again if my current beau and I split... :(


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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745496 - 05/04/11 10:28 PM

"Sadly, the GAL appointed to my son in this case had nicer things to say about the situation and put her recommendation in for my son to be able to move with me at the mediation hearing then I have experienced on this site thus far. All I wanted was to see if there was a way to avoid the trial and have to drag this on and put my son thru the court system."

First of all, your child is SEVEN and will only be involved in the court system if YOU involve him. The GAL should have told you that. Second, I BET you would like to find a way move without having Dad complain. That will not happen.

"Instead, I have just found more reasons why I shouldn't have any more children, as I could not bear to go thru this again if my current beau and I split... :("

So is the "beau" moving WITH you?

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745502 - 05/04/11 10:39 PM

[quote]"The 100 a month is not considered child support, as it does not come from my ex, it comes from the govt."

Typical misconception. It is a contribution towards the raising of the child because his father is disabled.

Except the standard is 17% in NYS, which this is far less than...


"the local program is no more, or else yes I would have gotten in. SUNY shut down the program entirely."

So what are the 12-15 people who beat out 2,000 people doing?

I did not apply to only one school, those were demographics form programs in the surrounding states

"As for relocating costs, it is a fellowship program, which covers my tuition, 3/4 of my living expenses, as well as a yearly stipend that is almost equal to my current salary. Another plus is that I would not have to have someone watch my son after school while I was working, as my program schedule provides me the opportunity to pick him up from school and spend more time with him. The school my son would be attending there is a nationally ranked school, and has a better curriculum than the public schools do here."

Great. So how do the FATHERS in the area rank. because the kids FATHER will not be there.

But yet I offered the same amount of visitation time that he gets now, except consolidated into larger time brackets, which would enable him to take my son on weekend trips, vacations, etc. if so chose.

"And when he moved it wasn't the distance, as he was already an absentee father, but the fact he could not even inform the mother of his child that he left the state was carelessness."

What happened to "If you can't say something nice..."?

"I wasn't looking for "love bombs" I asked for help/advice from anyone that has been in my situation, not insults and derogatory comments from someone who thinks he's all knowing and better than everyone else..."

I gave you advice, you will NOT be granted a move away to go to school. You didn't LIKE that. As far as being "better" than everyone else, never claimed that, but I AM better than you, as I completed MY degree, while working FULL time and raising THREE kids on less from their mother than YOU are getting in "child support". [/quote] [color:red] [/color]

FYI I completed both my associates and bachelors working full time as well, and I'm sorry that I chose not to have three kids before i was 30, but that does not make you better than me or anyone else nor does it mean that I am either... When you are 21 and alone doing all this making 13.00 an hr for most of your child's (or children) life, while their other parent does nothing but buy cars and boats, not clothes or food or anything for your child, you learn real quick that you are going to have to be able to solely provide for them for the rest of their childhood. And if finishing my education in order to give my son a better life instead of a half ass one is the way to do it, then yea I'd say that would be a good reason as to why a 2 year change in visitation would be justifiable.

You of all people gr8dad should have been able to understand my situation if in fact that is what you went through, but maybe your just to arrogant to see that maybe our situations were not that different... My best to you and your family, and I hope that all stays well for you in the future, and I pray none of your children ever have to deal with any of the shyt people here do.

This site has definitely been an eye opener for me, now all that left is to sigh over my son to his deadbeat dad and proceed to the nearest rubber room... :shocked:


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745503 - 05/04/11 10:39 PM

So is the "beau" moving WITH you?


I would hope so considering he will be my husband in a few weeks!
edit: and before you go questioning my family , my ex and i both have strict rules about who our son is around regarding our relationships, he met my "beau" before my son, and I met his longtime g/f before my son. We both spoke to the other before we moved in with our significant others as well...

Edited by College_Mom (05/04/11 10:49 PM)


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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745504 - 05/04/11 10:50 PM

So will he be working while you are out there? And how will he work there for two years, then up and move BACK to NY or NJ?

Bottom line, you are claiming that you will be making almost the same while there, through grants and such. Yet you are barely surviving HERE, and THERE you will have to purchase frequent airline tickets to fly the child back and forth. How does that work?

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745505 - 05/04/11 10:56 PM

the cost of living is significantly different there than on Long island. My current works for a company that will relocate him to their office out there. These are all factors that were discussed and worked out before any paper were filed. As for the airline tix, as I stated earlier, if that was an issue my father offered to pay for them as well as accompany my son on any flights so there was no question about him flying alone (which I would never allow). My dad frequently travels from both of these locations as the trade company he works for is based out of vegas and NYC.

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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745507 - 05/04/11 11:04 PM

Like I said, this was not an easy thing at all, but I made sure that every possible aspect was covered before pursuing this, including my ex's ok when the process started. Up until the laywers got involved it was a go, with my ex even telling my son he could get a dirtbike out there (which I nixed quickly). The sudden switch is what sent this all into disarray, as if he has said from day one that he was not ok I would not have spent the money applying to schools, looking into schools for my son, making sure there was work out there, etc., instead i would have focused on finding a second job and a smaller place to live within our move raduis

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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745509 - 05/04/11 11:12 PM

"with my ex even telling my son he could get a dirtbike out there (which I nixed quickly). The sudden switch is what sent this all into disarray"

Is it possible that the dirtbike issue was what made it clear to him that he would no longer have any say in any issues with the child? What I think you are failing to see is how HE views the situation. You have painted him as an uncaring deadbeat father. But he is undertaking a VERY expensive and VERY emotional process (a custody fight). This is NOT something a person who "doesn't care" does lightly. Also, there is a decent possibility that once you graduated, since new hubby has a job there, and will have established himself, that you will STAY there and not return. Then what does he do? The child's residency will be established, and he will be out of luck.

SO tell me, if HE had custody, and wanted to marry a woman and move thousands of miles away, would YOU be okay with it, or would you fight it? Of COURSE you would fight it.

Now HERE is a pro-active approach. Would you be willing to sign a contract agreeing that if you did NOT return to NJ/NY in two years, that custody automatically transferred to him?

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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745519 - 05/04/11 11:24 PM

Now HERE is a pro-active approach. Would you be willing to sign a contract agreeing that if you did NOT return to NJ/NY in two years, that custody automatically transferred to him?

i told him that we could put that in writing, I have every intention of coming back here, as my mother, siblings, nephews, etc are all here.

i didnt nix it in front of him, i told my son that he had to wait until he was old enough to ride them, that they don't give dirtbikes to 7 year olds...

What is the kicker is that when we set the current visitiation his lawyer suggested to be every third weekend, I had to voice the weekends and speak up for my ex, as we had agreed to terms prior to the sit down, but he would not speak his opinion in the courts. I have to call him every friday night to make sure he is going to show the next day so my son doesn't get his hopes up when he says "something came up". When I gave him the opportunity to spend more time with his son during the school weeks he declined because he had other things that required his attention...I'm looking out for my sons well being here, as he is my world. I wished his father would make him priority one as well, but its always something else...


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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745521 - 05/04/11 11:27 PM

"I wished his father would make him priority one as well, but its always something else..."

DO you have any idea what it makes a person feel like when a court tells them, "These are the times you may see your child..."? Do you know what its like to have your parenting questioned before doing ANYTHING wrong?

You didn't say, what is his disability?

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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745522 - 05/04/11 11:27 PM

oh and the say with issues with his son? i call him constantly to get him involved with our sons life, school, medical visits, etc, but he has yet to come to one school event, conference, etc... he doesn't even remember what grade he is in, or that our son is reading at 3 grades higher than his. it does sadden me a lot, as this is not what i envisioned our life as, even when we both decided to end the marriage

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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745523 - 05/04/11 11:31 PM

I would rather not state specifics, but it is a debilitating physical condition... As for the court saying this is the times you can see him...he and i made the agreement ourselves and tweaked it in the courts when we put it on paper. there was never any debate as to his options to see his son, i have always encouraged him to drop by, pick him up from school, etc. there's never been any animosity or anything like that when it came to his rights as my sons father, he was the one not executing them to the fullest, i pushed for them and offered the chances. I know thats his dad, and i have not once threatened to keep my son from him ever...

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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745524 - 05/04/11 11:34 PM

Can you see how someone having a DEBILITATING physical condition might have a valid reason for having "something come up" or having his parents help with the kids during his time?

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College_Mom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745525 - 05/04/11 11:40 PM

Can you see how someone having a DEBILITATING physical condition might have a valid reason for having "something come up" or having his parents help with the kids during his time?

its not like that, i am understanding when it comes to his illness as i have been there since he was diagnosed, but it is not a daily thing, and if hes sick thats a different story, its when he went out the night before, or his gf's family has an event, or hes going fishinge, etc. its that that gets to me.

in our custody agreement his parents are not supposed to be unsupervised with our son, as per both our wishes (they are not supportive parents to him, and live an "alternative" lifestyle) but i let it slide because his mother has made the effort to try and work our her issues with the both of us as well as our son.


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M5M5
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: gr8Dad]
      #745527 - 05/04/11 11:52 PM

You did read the part in my first post about "perceived insults" right?

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M5M5
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745528 - 05/04/11 11:57 PM

I'm sorry you feel that way. Some of the folks on this site has helped me a great deal...from a custody battle to child support issues. There's probably not any way to avoid a trail since your ex wants to fight you on the move.

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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745530 - 05/05/11 12:21 AM

Sorry, but you are all over the place. HE doesn't want HIS parents near the children, yet you complain that when the kids are supposed to be with HIM, HE leaves the kids with his parents. Huh?

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elliesmom
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745553 - 05/05/11 08:04 AM

As much as it pains me to do so I will have to disagree with the legal aspects of the advice you have been given. Given his lack of demonstrated involvement and exercising parenting time, I think it is unlikely he could block the move. As far as I know NY is not yet an anti-moveaway state, in which case you usually have to just show that the move would not hinder the relationship. But another poster Lexiebelle just moved from Long Island and could offer better advice.

Involved can be many things, if you can show he has never been to a parent-teacher conference, Dr appt, t-ball game, etc. I don't see the courts blocking the move if you are willing to give up the time. They MAY give him a pass because he is disabled, without knowing what it is - hard to say.

If his disability is such that having your son for short periods of time is really the only way he can mange both his parenting and his health - he may stand a decent chance at blocking the move. I don't know what is wrong with him - hard to say.

Now just because you can, doesn't mean that you should. He may not be involved now, but leaving guarantees he won't be. Not to mention by the sound of it your son doesn't spend extended periods there now. But you are a-ok with shipping him there for a month and a half? What will he do all day? Are you also going to pay for daycamps and such so he can get out? Its not exactly gratifying as a parent to have a bored miserable kid that you can't afford to take anywhere for 6 weeks. You have not really spent much time considering this reality from their perspective. And I think you really should before you decide this is a workable option.

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c_jane
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745559 - 05/05/11 08:49 AM

That's Not-So-Great to a "t". He is ummmm, 'against' all moms too from what I know -- CP, NCP it doesn't matter. Do yourself a favor -- do NOT argue or respond to his posts and put him on ignore. He offers nothing but diatribes against posters he takes a dislike to. THis is all my opinion of course, and he will respond to it as I'm one he can't stand. But if you need instructions on 'ignoring' him as a poster, PM me. He will not ever offer advice -- only seek to tear you/your position down.


[quote]I wasn't looking for "love bombs" I asked for help/advice from anyone that has been in my situation, not insults and derogatory comments from someone who thinks he's all knowing and better than everyone else... [/quote]

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LexieBelle
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: elliesmom]
      #745562 - 05/05/11 09:04 AM

Thanks EM.. I don't usually frequent this board but had replied to another poster on this board a few days ago and was just checking up on that and saw this.

College, I also disagree with the legal advice you've been given. The other posters responding are from stricter states than NY. NY has NO specific law blocking move-aways. First and foremost. Second, it will be on a case by case basis how it's decided.

You are on Long Island? Suffolk or Nassau? I can give you the stats my attorney gave me which is that in Suffolk, a vast majority of the judges, given a solid case, WILL grant a move-away. There's one or two that are questionable which way they'll go.

You have, in my opinion, a solid case. Oh, one question, do you have anything in your divorce decree or Stipulation of Settlement (if you have one) that specifically says you have a RESTRICTION? If so, THAT could be a problem. If there's NOTHING? yeah, you have, again, in MY opinion, a solid case. Particularly given you will be moving BACK to NY. And yes, I totally understand what you're saying about the programs and NO, on Long Island Gr8, there are NOT such programs just readily available. To get OFF the island is a MINIMUM hour and a half drive. And for the type of program she's looking at, you can't do something online.

Hes not a particularly "hands on" parent, he's seeing the child a little bit over a day a week, so let's say 70 days a year, she's offering 45 alone during the summer, plus all breaks, so that adds another 15 minimum, so you're at 60, minimum. Just off the top of my head estimates. she's the vastly primary caregiver. Yeah, I don't see an issue quite frankly.

You have a GAL? And the GAL is okay with the move? Then you should be pretty set. If you DID go to trial?? A judge is likely going to go with what the GAL recommends. And if your ex has an attorney? He would tell him that. He may push you to go to trial, but ultimately? My guess is you will end up where I did. My story is I HAD move PERMISSION in my divorce. I only wanted to do a 200 mile move. My ex saw our child 7 hours (yes that's HOURS) a week and we missed 10 weeks or so a year b/c I was coming back here (my home state) ANYWAY. Never paid full child support and in fact was at the poverty status for about a year and a half and would never agree to get OUT of that status. Didn't take her overnights, yadda yadda. Sprang a court action to block the move on me. Cost me $9,000. We never went TO an actual trial. Spent 2 days in the hallways of the courthouse hammering out a schedule. Oh, with his FIRST wife and her boyfriend's input.. basically? They ran the show. It was quite interesting ;) Meanwhile? I had ALREADY moved. The judge, at the first appearance, refused to block it. But again, in my case, I had specific PERMISSION written into my agreement AND I also had sole legal custody. So realize that's a big factor in mine. In terms of case strength, I had a pretty rock solid case. But, I can understand your trepidation, even with a rock solid case, I was still nervous.

If I can help, please let me know. Do you have an attorney? What is the status of court filings and such?


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ssmom79
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: LexieBelle]
      #745565 - 05/05/11 09:07 AM

Haha you should come here more often! You're a standard recommendation.

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Cassie23
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: elliesmom]
      #745566 - 05/05/11 09:09 AM

I think it will depend on whether or not she has joint or SOLE custody. In LB's case she had sole custody and the move away issue was already in the CO from the beginning.

Did you COLLEGEMOM specify what your CO states in regards to custody, visitation and move-away?

Lastly, we just saw a perfect example of a VERY ACTIVE father (NCP) whose X was given permission to move away (MT Mom's story) because the judge allowed it. This father will NEVER get the same amount of time and will have to pay more CS because of the CP's choice to move and the court's decision to allow it.

I would ask that the OP really consider what is best for the child in question. Will the extended visits (longer, but less frequent) be BEST for the child? This is going to be HUGE for a YOUNG child. You are moving him across the country and then the parenting time dynamic is going to change drastically.


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LexieBelle
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Cassie23]
      #745568 - 05/05/11 09:14 AM

Her ex won't pay more in NY because of the move.

It is HIGHLY unlikely he would be required to pay transportation costs.

The "standard" in NY is if there can be a "reasonable replacement" of existing time.

She IS offering that. NY courts don't care if it's 40 hours over the course of one week, or it's 40 hours over th course of 52 weeks. Doesn't matter. Can you reasonably replace the time? Yes. Are you willing to PAY for the transportation? Yes. Are you willing to facilitate the relationship? Yes. Does the child exhibit an uninhibited bond with BOTH parents? Yes. Meaning, does it appear the child is being BLOCKED from one parent (alienated). No.

ALL these things are in her favor. Furthermore, if he is disabled, what happens if something goes wrong and the child stays with him? Is he capable of raising a child 24/7 for two years? That will weigh AGAINST him.

And, again, you're not even talking a PERMANENT move, you're talking a TEMPORARY one. I wouldn't guarantee granting of permission but of what I know of move-away cases, and on Long Island specifically? Yeah, she's got a darn good shot at it.


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LexieBelle
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: ssmom79]
      #745571 - 05/05/11 09:17 AM

[quote]Haha you should come here more often! You're a standard recommendation. [/quote]

You're joking right? lol. I really don't visit this one that often. Once in a while if I happen to think of it or whatever. Happened to catch the other issue a few days ago, that's rare for me.


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Cassie23
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: LexieBelle]
      #745573 - 05/05/11 09:22 AM

I agree- he won't pay more, at least not in NY- I was given a situation of a parent who was trying to do the right thing and in the end it didn't work out for him.

I do hear of NY courts (specifically) who do split the visitation costs regardless of who moves- however she is willing to take that cost as her own.

I am, particularly, more concerned about how the move will play out for THEIR SON. I think with him being such a young age the strain of FULL vacations and summers could be tough for such a young child who isn't used to that along with the actual flights to get there and back.

I know that part of NY does things different, I know of a parent who was BLOCKED from a move that was 100 miles away, the father had joint custody. I think if she has sole custody her chances are greater.


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Cassie23
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745576 - 05/05/11 09:32 AM

Basically, I'm trying to figure out how to present a valid argument for the mediator to rule in my favor when we go to court in two weeks, as going to trial will cause me to lose my spot in the program (it starts in august).
------------------------------------------

Please let us know how to turns out! I don't know if I am reading this correctly? You say you are going to a mediator in two weeks, but I don't believe mediators RULE on anything. They are there to help both sides comes to a mutually satisfying agreement. A mediator facilitates the meeting between the two parents. Make sure you have everything spelled out on paper so your X can actually SEE what you are proposing.


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LexieBelle
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Cassie23]
      #745579 - 05/05/11 09:37 AM

Again, this is a TEMPORARY move. It's not permanent. Yeah he'll have to adjust. Kids adjust. And she sounds VERY willing to do what it takes to help make that happen.

Look, fact is? The stability in the child's life isn't coming from dad, it doesn't seem. It would be FAR more disruptive to change custody. And she's not flitting off for some stupid reason, she's going for a very good reason and it's TEMPORARY.


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Cassie23
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: LexieBelle]
      #745593 - 05/05/11 10:11 AM

I couldn't care less if it's a temporary move, IMO, that could change. She may realize she cannot complete her education in that two year time span. In two years she could meet the love of her life, and now that temporary move wants to become permanent. She could intern at a company who offers her a job right out of college. Two years- heck my sister has just met someone across country, she is moving and her and her X are figuring out a cross country parenting plan and that happened in less than 6 months!! ;)

If I were her, considering she is going to mediation, I would have it all mapped out and ready for her X. The two of them coming to a mutual agreement outside of court would be more beneficial (to all) than the opposite.


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LexieBelle
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Cassie23]
      #745605 - 05/05/11 10:46 AM

I agree, she should have a plan. I thought she had already said she would be willing to put in writing a change of custody were she to NOT move back in two years? I kinda skimmed the other postings b/c of the tone/misinformation so I might have misread something.

I'd like to get an understanding of what exactly legally has transpired thus far.


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Cassie23
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: LexieBelle]
      #745619 - 05/05/11 11:57 AM

She may have, I skipped through too- too much stuff :)

I know my sister came prepared, it's just easier for her X to see everything on paper.

I would think that they are in the beginning stages since the first stop seems to be mediation.


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LexieBelle
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Cassie23]
      #745627 - 05/05/11 12:11 PM

Ah, court is in two weeks it says. We were never offered a "mediator", maybe they're doing this on their own? There's some details here missing that might be helpful? Is court a first appearance? Trial? Is "mediation" really just the meetings with the GAL? Not sure. And if she's on LI, then she's either in Suffolk, or Nassau. I don't think they have "mediation" per se through Family Court? The judge will likely send the parties off to try and mediate themselves, with their attorneys and the GAL, if applicable. So I'm a little lost on where exactly this is at.

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Debi
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: College_Mom]
      #745676 - 05/05/11 10:00 PM

thanks m5m5, but theres no reason to attack people that are looking for people who have been in similar situations or know someone who has been to get some advice.

But the problem is that going to court will be 10x worse and it will cost a small fortune. If you can't handle what gr8dad, or anyone else throws at you here then you won't in court.

That said it depends on the laws in your state whether you'll be granted a move away for the child or not. If you were in my state the answer would be no way. It wouldn't matter why or for how long. The only thing that would matter is that the other biological parent doesn't want the child to leave. It doesn't matter that he doesn't see the child as much as you'd like or that he doesn't go to Dr appointments or know the teachers. What matters is he IS involved in your son's life and he hasn't abandoned him in the laws eyes.

Your x can't keep you from going anywhere but he can try (and may suceed) in making sure the child stays put.. Again, most of the court decision will depend on your state and the laws there. Some states are much more lienient than others.

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LexieBelle
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Debi]
      #745681 - 05/05/11 10:29 PM

I'd say court was a TON easier than here, lol! Again, I'd REALLY like to know the county involved here. She already SAID it was Long Island, so that's one of two options. Given her income level I highly highly doubt she is in Nassau County, so my guess is Suffolk. If that is the case, I'd say the court would REALLY push them to come to an agreement and they'll spend most of their "court" time? With their lawyers trying to hash things out with the GAL, sometimes in front of the judge, sometimes not. Lots of back and forth, negotiations, blah blah blah. But if a GAL is siding in FAVOR of the move? It's extremely unlikely a judge is going to rule opposite of that. That's speaking as someone from that state, from that county, who has DONE a move-away from that county, and whose attorney is highly versed on how a move-away will, or won't, go.

Again, that's caveating that there are some missing pieces of information. Many of you are speaking from states where moves are NOT likely; however, you'll find the northeast quite a bit different.


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gr8Dad
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: LexieBelle]
      #745684 - 05/05/11 10:44 PM

But you cannot compare the situations. Yours was a relocation for a job, if I am not mistaken, hers is a relocation to go to SCHOOL. You were also not moving NEARLY as far as she is planning to move.

You were also not depending on SOMEONE else to pay for the transportation. Suppose her father becomes ill and cannot travel or pay for travel? She has stated she WILL NOT allow the child to fly unaccompanied, and CANNOT afford to pay for it. So is Dad just screwed?

Sorry, I agree that in YOUR situation, the move away was granted. She is NOT in your situation.

And something else to consider. WHY is the "program" she wants not offered in the area? Is it because there is no great NEED for that type of degree in her area? What would be the point of coming BACK, if she can't find a job?

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M5M5
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: LexieBelle]
      #745685 - 05/05/11 10:57 PM

You've never had a real custody battle on your hands either. It can be very brutal...much more than this message board.

How far did you move? I know you were allowed to move, but wasn't that just to NYC? This lady wants to move half way across the country..not just to a neighboring state or several counties over. Wouldn't that make a difference...the distance..because that's not something you can just drive in a few hours?


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LexieBelle
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: M5M5]
      #745697 - 05/06/11 08:52 AM

I think it's doubtful he'd go for a full custody battle. But I could be wrong. Hey, someone suggested I offer my experience, I did. Within that, I also provided what an experienced attorney from my county, which is potentially her county given her location, has said about move-aways, in general. The majority of judges would, if given a decent case supporting one, WOULD grant a move-away. Those judges, a rejection is RARE. There are two others.. one you got a 50/50 shot, the other almost always DENIES the moves. That's from an experienced lawyer, who has handled MANY move-aways in this county. Likelihood of approval depends on the case you present and the judge you get. Her argument is strong. They won't care WHO is paying for the travel btw. As long as she is taking responsibility for executing it? That's all they'll care about.

To Gr8.. no I didn't move for a job. The basis of the move was partially relationship with exSO, and partially the financial situation that I was left with from the divorce (basically couldn't afford to live on LI anymore, was losing the marital home, credit was destroyed so renting elsewhere on LI was unlikely, even here, I just had trouble getting an apartment due to the issues with my credit resulting from the financial mess from exH.).

M5: No, I moved two states away. It's a 3 hour trip one-way.. on a good day. It can be as long as 5-6 hours one way. I do about 8 hours of driving on a visit weekend and it runs me about $200 each trip. I do the trip twice a month. If you go "the long way" (up through the Bronx, all the way through Connecticut) it's exactly 200 miles even.. door to door. If you go to the "short way", which is using the ferry from New London to Montauk, it's only 120 miles. We're actually transitioning to that over the summer. Will save considerable travel time and about $200 a month in expenses. Thankfully, with exSO out of the picture, ex and I are dealing with things very well and he's been extremely amenable to seeking alternatives that will decrease cost and travel which as a side benefit, also increases his TIME. Another side benefit, it'll be easier for him to attend things here, which he's actively planning to do. For example, he'll come up for dd's first day of kindergarten. I'll pick him up from the ferry the night before, he can crash with us for the night, we'll see her on to the bus and then I'll take him back to the ferry after.

In our case, we had the issue of another child THERE. So it wasn't just separation from "dad" but from the sibling as well. Which, come to find out, the court wouldn't have considered at all. Just mentioning it terms of "well it's not the same", no it's not but there were certainly issues where I suppose one could say "absolutely not!" and the court would still have said, in all likelihood, Yes.


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Debi
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: LexieBelle]
      #745790 - 05/06/11 08:18 PM

I agree with you that where you are court is a lot easier than it would be here. I swear in WI to relocate the kids from the other parent you have to prove he/she is a murderer and they probably would have had to murder their own child. I know of someone who was not allowed to relocate with the children with the other parent in jail because he did not agree with it.

That's why i said the state (and yes probably even the county) has a lot to do with what can and can't happen.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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LexieBelle
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Reged: 11/07/10
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Re: Relocation and Legal Action Help!!!!!!!!!!! [Re: Debi]
      #745797 - 05/06/11 09:49 PM

No problem and I agree. In this particular case, the poster is from where my move occurred from. Not sure same county but given the income level my guess is yes. Even if not, the two counties follow the same..ideals... or whatever. In upstate ny? Yes could be different. It's unlikely on the island tho.

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