Mossyhorns
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Reged: 06/01/11
Posts: 7
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I am going through my second divorce from the same woman, (yes I married the same woman twice :crazy:) she has battled a pain pill addiction for the last 7 years, our first marraiege ended due to her having an affair. We reconciled with me being under the impression that she was clean, 6 months after our second marriage she was in rehab, and when she got out she left. She came to me after she had been gone for about a month and said she was talking with a lawyer and wanted divorce, I filed, that was early last Febuary. We have two children, 7 and 4, during the last time we were divorced we had equal joint shared custody, we each had the kids a week at a time every other week, but that was not good for the kids in my view after we started doing it, they never really had a home. I have had the kids full time since she moved out, she gets them every other weekend from 6 on Friday evening until 8 Sunday morning, and she has been picking them up from school every Monday and Thursday and bringing them home around 7:30 in the evening. This is strictly verbal to this point, we do not have a court order for this arrangement.
I ran into an old high school friend back in March, we talked and have started seeing each other. Up until about 2 weeks ago we kept it fairly discreet, but I have introduced my children to her in an open "friend" atmoshpere once, and she came over and watched them for me while I mowed the yard last week-end when my STBX decided she did not want them during her designated time short notice. I know it is not good to bring someone into the childrens lives as a new partner soon after a seperation, I know it is horrible to move in with a new partner etc... but I have no plans of doing anything of that sort. Have any of you gone through a similar situation and if so did it actually have any bearing on the custody aspect? If so how?
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CuriousGeorge
enthusiast
Reged: 01/15/09
Posts: 216
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Dating will never be a "stated" reason for determining custody, but that does not mean a judge would not consider it.
Men are held to a higher standard by judges. If you want custody of your children, best advice is to steer clear of dating until your court order is in hand.
Your children are young. Many judges still apply the "tender years doctrine" which favors mothers.
You better plan to be squeekly clean if you want custody.
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You never know someone until you divorce them.
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Debi
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Part of it will depend on your state. In mine it would never be allowed to be brought up. Where as in the bible belt it could be looked at closely.
Whatever you decide to do keep in mind that children grow attached easily and if something doesn't work out they will be affected. Even if you have only introduced her as a friend. Their lives have changed greatly and if mom is alrealy missing parenting time it's likely she will continue to do so in the future. If their mom starts avoiding them and then they lose the "friend" it will be heartbreaking.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Finish one relationship before you begin the next one.
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signguy
newbie
Reged: 03/03/11
Posts: 45
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[quote]Finish one relationship before you begin the next one. [/quote]
Thats awesome!!!! :)Right on Brah!!
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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To put it more bluntly.....keep it in your pants until you are divorced. Read about Tantra if your will power is that weak.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Once you have children, you have to keep them in mind first. SOunds like there life hasn't been too stable so far.
If you have to ask if something may effect custody, don't do it.
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Runswithscissors
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Reged: 05/29/04
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Please don't give this type of advice. Each state has sets of rules. My state has post seperation adultry AND custody can not only be determined, but criminal charges could be sought up till 6 years ago!
To the OP- finish one relationship before starting another...
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Mossyhorns
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/11
Posts: 7
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Does anyone know where to find the laws on this per state? I am trying to keep the kids limited on time with the new person in my life, and I know anyone can rationalize what they want to in order to make it right, but my STBX has killed our marriage with substance abuse and many other things, I should have never re-married her, I did it for reasons that I shouldn't have, mainly for the children. Our relationship ended a long time ago, all it is now is a peice of paper in a file cabinet downtown. I'm not really here to open up discussions on the right and wrong of it, I just want to see what risks are involved if anyone knows, and if anyone has experience that they would like to share. Life is always complicated, and we can't always choose what situation we want to be in. Thanks for all the advice.
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BeachBabeRN
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Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3031
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Usually state statutes do not address anything this specifically, however, it would really be best if you completely keep your relationship AWAY from your children until you know that it's going to become permanent.
Life IS complicated but one is absolutely ALWAYS able to choose what they do/don't do around their children. You're dealing with an addict and rational is usually NOT what they are.
I'm not sure why you needed someone to watch your children while you cut the grass, you simply work around your children or have them outside with you -- single parents do it every day.
Use good sense -- kids DO get attached to people that are around them and when they get attached to your GF and it might not work out? They ARE affected -- I learned this lesson the hard way.
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
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Do what's best for your kids. Simply google the subject and you will get all kinds of info.
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Debi
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I don't think you are going to find specific "laws". Family law is not always black and white and there are a lot of things that can be determined simply because of how a particular judge feels about it. Get a judge who was cheated on and you're doomed. Get one who was married to a drug addict and it probably won't be an issue. Just as important as reading case law in your state is to find someone who has experience with the judge in your county.
If there is a precident regarding this matter in your state it doesn't matter the reasons your marriage has died. What will matter is that adulty is adultry. As RWS said in her state people do lose custody over "dating" before the marriage is over, and I mentioned in my first response if you're in the bible belt it CAN be (more than likely will be) an issue. In my state it's not unless you're having sex with someone in front of the kids. There are HUGE variances and no one can give you a blanket answer. I agree with whoever said if you have to question whether or not it's an issue then don't do it.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Mossyhorns
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/11
Posts: 7
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Thanks for all the good responses, as far as one a few posts back, I have 4 acres that I mow, some places are far enough from the house that I can't see the house when I am mowing them, I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old, I am not at the point that I trust them alone for an extended period of time, out of eye sight, and I certainly would not hear them over the mower. I shop with them, play with them, take showers after they go to bed, do everything I can when I can or with them included, mowing isn't one of those things that I have completely figured out unless they are not home or somebody is there to watch them while I do it.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Many of the rest of us mow and everything else without having to ask our new gf/bf to watch our children.
If you have to ask if something is kosher, then don't do it.
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BeachBabeRN
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Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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That was my point SRS --
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gr8Dad
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I think something a lot of women fail to see, mainly because they usually get custody from the get go, is that the two weeks between having your kids is LONELY. Its easy to say, "Put the kids first" and "Concentrate on the kids", when you HAVE them almost 24/7. Not so easy when you get to see the kids 4 days a month, and the rest of the time, you have no house to work on, nothing to do but sit around wondering what is going on in your life.
NOT intended as sexist, just different people in different situations.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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4 days a month you can go without seeing your gf/bf. You have the rest of the month to spend with them and only 4 days to spend with your children.
From recent experience, your kids may get attached to your gf/bf. Then, after a while, when you breakup - it is like your kids are going through a divorce AGAIN.
Until you get divorced - don't bring gf/bf around your kids.
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gr8Dad
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Okay, first, I think we are arguing two different points. I got, from the thread, that the general idea was NO DATING, AT ALL until the divorce was final. Of course I am against bringing someone around the kids until the divorce is over, with the exception of long term cases. I mean lets be realistic, my divorce took THREE YEARS. Should I have lied to the kids for THREE YEARS, then all of a sudden poppoed up with a woman I had been seeing for, say a YEAR, with stories about how we did this or that together in the last year? Come on now.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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"I got, from the thread, that the general idea was NO DATING, AT ALL until the divorce was final. "
Honestly... that is my opinion. I get that it not works for everyone, and can even understand it where divorce drags out for years. Considering the age of the OP's children and that he only filed in February and ran into the woman in March... too early. He also states that he has the children full time... doesn't sound like he was lonely because he only sees the kids 4 days a month?
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gr8Dad
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"Considering the age of the OP's children and that he only filed in February and ran into the woman in March..."
I think we are reading it differently, he stated she wanted the divorce after leaving rehab LAST February, and he met a woman in MARCH, meaning this March. I read it as a year and a month, not a month.
And in this case, come on, give the guy a break, he divorced her for infidelity and pill addiction, he REMARRIED her, supported her through rehad, and was told SHE wanted a divorce after that. Not like this guy didn't TRY to make it work.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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DeeCan
veteran
Reged: 04/05/08
Posts: 1266
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And I think it should be taken into consideration HE (the OP) has them EVERYDAY while Mom has EO Weekend.
IMO, with that much exposure time, then OP needs to wait until the divorce is final.
Question for OP: How did you mow the yard when you and Mom were together? Doesn't sound as if she's reliable, and with the rehab and all, I'm guessing she wasn't around to watch them before (at least not every time).
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Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
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gr8Dad
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I guess the reason I do not think the actual "divorce" should be the point, because honestly, that is a legal matter, and the kids shouldn't really have any notice that is is or isn't "done". I mean when your divorce was fianalized, I mean you got the date stamped paperwork, did you run home and tell the kids?
I think it is more of a length of time when the kids have accepted that each of you are not together anymore.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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"I think we are reading it differently, he stated she wanted the divorce after leaving rehab LAST February, and he met a woman in MARCH, meaning this March. I read it as a year and a month, not a month."
Maybe? I guess last February to me is, well, the last February we had.
"And in this case, come on, give the guy a break, he divorced her for infidelity and pill addiction, he REMARRIED her, supported her through rehad, and was told SHE wanted a divorce after that. Not like this guy didn't TRY to make it work. "
Give the guy a break, huh? I already said I get that my opinion doesn't work for everyone and that I can understand it if it drags out for years... if his "last February" was in 2010, well, that's covered then. As for the rest... his divorce/remarriage doesn't affect how he should behave after going for divorce #2, separate issues... he doesn't get credit in one area for trying really hard in another.
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gr8Dad
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"he doesn't get credit in one area for trying really hard in another."
I guess I DO give credit for effort in other areas. The point being that its not like at the first sign of trouble he ran to someone else. He stood by her time after time, until SHE decided to call it quits.
As for "last" February, if the February and Marchs were the same, why not "last" March? That was what differentiated them for me.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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"As for "last" February, if the February and Marchs were the same, why not "last" March? That was what differentiated them for me. "
Maybe he'll come back to clarify... "back in March" and "last February" are in the same year for me, but then I can claim ESL.
Curious... if it was the same year, and given all the other info, that he had the kids full-time, etc... do you still think your "he was lonely and shouldn't have to wait" defense applies?
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gr8Dad
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I think it would depend on how long she was in rehab. I can understand busting your ASS to help someone through a tough time they CHOOSE to go through (and drug addiction is a choice), only to be abandoned when they step out of rehab. It is psychologically crushing, and meeting someone who was an old friend when one is emotionally vunerable is tough to NOT follow through on. So I can UNDERSTAND it, but no, meeting the kids in that situation is not the best situation.
Although I will say that as the "always sacrificing" parent to the "always fvcking up" parent, sometimes you just want to DO something crazy and get away with it, like your counter parent always seems to do, and expects you to clean it up.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Sherron
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Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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"Although I will say that as the "always sacrificing" parent to the "always fvcking up" parent, sometimes you just want to DO something crazy and get away with it, like your counter parent always seems to do, and expects you to clean it up. "
Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that, so thanks for explaining that.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
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A simple "yeah, I understand" would have been sufficient, but I guess that wouldn't have been up to your "bytch" standards, huh?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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Sarcasm... just another service I provide. You're welcome.
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Mossyhorns
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/11
Posts: 7
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Dang folks, looks like I have been the topic of discussion since I have beena away for a few days lol. To Clarify, (not to be cofused with justification at this point) When my wife left me for another man in Jan of 2009 I was crushed, it was the most traumatic thing I have ever been through, and I sat at home with a 5 year old and a 2 year old for months until the divorce was over, at which time we got joint equal custody, we lived in the same town, she got them one week, I got them the next Sunday to Sunday. So through the entire summer of 2009 I had a week at a time alone to mow.
During the December time frame of 2009 we started discussing getting back together, we went to marriage counseling, and remarried in June of 2010. She worked every other weekend only, I had plenty of time to mow.
As soon as she moved in I started finding empty pill bottles, the lies, the deception, I also found out she had been going to the town where her boyfriend from her previous infedelity lived, so said she wasn't seeing him, but she had no other reason to go there.
She went into rehab in November of 2010 after she overdosed at work in the ER she was working at. She spent 40 days in rehab and got out around Dec 29th 2010.
She was home about 2 weeks, said she couldn't be married and get through her issues, and left.
The first week she went to rehab I found Facebook messages with the other guy, that on top of finally realizing how much she was STILL lying about the pills hit me just as hard as it did the first time, however after a few days I realized that I was feeling the realization that she doesn't treat me well, not the pain of being mistreated. I really didn't hurt as much as I thought, she showed me consitantly over time that I don't matter, and she killed our marriage. But it is more of a relief at this point that it is over, not traumatic.
I did run into my friend March of 2011, and we are working through a few things together, and this is the first summer that I have had my kids 2 weeks straight with every other week-end to mow, and this 1 week-end I mentioned I was going to take the kids to their mothers and mow, she said she didn't want them on short notice, my friend watched them, I am not sorry for it, if all of you have no issues maintaining your property then good for you, I will do what I see fit to maintain mine and have my children supervised during the time I do it if previous plans fall through.
I went through one divorce staring at four walls, getting up at 4 int he morning to do chores, staying up till midnight to finish them so that it was around the kids needs, my friend helps me, I help her, and we are getting closer, I can see myself possibly having a future with her if it works out. As far as the kids, I know that is the mainstream thought that "what if it ends, they get attached" but I never thought my marriage would end, and it did, out of my control, and the sun still came up the next day. I am a good father, I know this, and I don't care what anyone else thinks, but on the same token I have needs as well, emotional and personal needs that I may or may not choose to maintain for myself and my sanity. Like I said before, I am not trying to start a right or wrong, but it is too late for that, I was just wondering if any of you had been through a similar situation, and if so how it went for you.
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Mossyhorns
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/11
Posts: 7
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One point too that I must have not been clear on, which is why I stated that I didn't want a right or wrong conversation to spread out of this, there was one point that one of you said "if I have to ask if something is kosher don't do it" but after revisiting my original post, I don't see where I asked if anyone thought it was kosher.... I appreciate all of your opinions, however I really wanted to gear this more toward "if you have done this did it affect your case and if so how" Thanks to all for the good posts.
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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"I appreciate all of your opinions, however I really wanted to gear this more toward "if you have done this did it affect your case and if so how" Thanks to all for the good posts."
Then you are better off consulting an attorney who is familiar with laws and similar cases in your state.
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movingfwd999
recently joined
Reged: 07/04/11
Posts: 2
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I started dating someone soon after I filed; believe it or not. I have a wonderful connection with him that my ex & I never had. Its been almost three years now and it came up a lot during proceedings. The angst of me moving into a happier relationship fuels my ex to continue fighting me and involving the kids. The kids like my new relationship now and I have a child with him. It's just dragging so badly on closing it up! Courts agree it has went on too long. I cannot afford trial for battle. The worst is considering conceeding to some things like modified child support, longer visitation schedules and tax claims to state just a few. PS I do have full custody. Two years into the fight I finally got some support, only it wasnt retroactive; hope this tid bit of info helps.
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