Mossyhorns
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/11
Posts: 7
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I am going through my second divorce from the same woman, (yes I married the same woman twice :crazy:) she has battled a pain pill addiction for the last 7 years, our first marraiege ended due to her having an affair. We reconciled with me being under the impression that she was clean, 6 months after our second marriage she was in rehab, and when she got out she left. She came to me after she had been gone for about a month and said she was talking with a lawyer and wanted divorce, I filed, that was early last Febuary. We have two children, 7 and 4, during the last time we were divorced we had equal joint shared custody, we each had the kids a week at a time every other week, but that was not good for the kids in my view after we started doing it, they never really had a home. I have had the kids full time since she moved out, she gets them every other weekend from 6 on Friday evening until 8 Sunday morning, and she has been picking them up from school every Monday and Thursday and bringing them home around 7:30 in the evening. This is strictly verbal to this point, we do not have a court order for this arrangement.
I ran into an old high school friend back in March, we talked and have started seeing each other. Up until about 2 weeks ago we kept it fairly discreet, but I have introduced my children to her in an open "friend" atmoshpere once, and she came over and watched them for me while I mowed the yard last week-end when my STBX decided she did not want them during her designated time short notice. I know it is not good to bring someone into the childrens lives as a new partner soon after a seperation, I know it is horrible to move in with a new partner etc... but I have no plans of doing anything of that sort. Have any of you gone through a similar situation and if so did it actually have any bearing on the custody aspect? If so how?
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CuriousGeorge
enthusiast
Reged: 01/15/09
Posts: 216
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Dating will never be a "stated" reason for determining custody, but that does not mean a judge would not consider it.
Men are held to a higher standard by judges. If you want custody of your children, best advice is to steer clear of dating until your court order is in hand.
Your children are young. Many judges still apply the "tender years doctrine" which favors mothers.
You better plan to be squeekly clean if you want custody.
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You never know someone until you divorce them.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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Part of it will depend on your state. In mine it would never be allowed to be brought up. Where as in the bible belt it could be looked at closely.
Whatever you decide to do keep in mind that children grow attached easily and if something doesn't work out they will be affected. Even if you have only introduced her as a friend. Their lives have changed greatly and if mom is alrealy missing parenting time it's likely she will continue to do so in the future. If their mom starts avoiding them and then they lose the "friend" it will be heartbreaking.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Finish one relationship before you begin the next one.
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signguy
newbie
Reged: 03/03/11
Posts: 45
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[quote]Finish one relationship before you begin the next one. [/quote]
Thats awesome!!!! :)Right on Brah!!
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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To put it more bluntly.....keep it in your pants until you are divorced. Read about Tantra if your will power is that weak.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Once you have children, you have to keep them in mind first. SOunds like there life hasn't been too stable so far.
If you have to ask if something may effect custody, don't do it.
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Runswithscissors
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 13381
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Please don't give this type of advice. Each state has sets of rules. My state has post seperation adultry AND custody can not only be determined, but criminal charges could be sought up till 6 years ago!
To the OP- finish one relationship before starting another...
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Mossyhorns
recently joined
Reged: 06/01/11
Posts: 7
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Does anyone know where to find the laws on this per state? I am trying to keep the kids limited on time with the new person in my life, and I know anyone can rationalize what they want to in order to make it right, but my STBX has killed our marriage with substance abuse and many other things, I should have never re-married her, I did it for reasons that I shouldn't have, mainly for the children. Our relationship ended a long time ago, all it is now is a peice of paper in a file cabinet downtown. I'm not really here to open up discussions on the right and wrong of it, I just want to see what risks are involved if anyone knows, and if anyone has experience that they would like to share. Life is always complicated, and we can't always choose what situation we want to be in. Thanks for all the advice.
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BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3031
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
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Usually state statutes do not address anything this specifically, however, it would really be best if you completely keep your relationship AWAY from your children until you know that it's going to become permanent.
Life IS complicated but one is absolutely ALWAYS able to choose what they do/don't do around their children. You're dealing with an addict and rational is usually NOT what they are.
I'm not sure why you needed someone to watch your children while you cut the grass, you simply work around your children or have them outside with you -- single parents do it every day.
Use good sense -- kids DO get attached to people that are around them and when they get attached to your GF and it might not work out? They ARE affected -- I learned this lesson the hard way.
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