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NinaEll
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Reged: 06/18/11
Posts: 8
Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: NinaEll]
      #752498 - 06/20/11 02:53 PM

@ nursemom- Thank you for somewhat understanding!!. Not that i don't value everyone's opinions, but it is a very tricky situation. Yes, the kids have been bounced around A LOT for the past 4 years. In my previous post i kind of explain. Our schedule is this: We get them sunday night at 4:00 pm we get them monday she has tuesday and wednesday and thursday friday and saturday alternate every week.

The school is literally in our neighborhood. Mom could drop them off at the house whenever she needed to, to get to work and i could get them to and from school and activities. It is about a 35 min drive from her house to the one we are building.

If she would do anything to act like a civil adult rather than being immature about everything, i would offer to drive. As far as i am concerned, the kids are going to be in the car whether it is her or me driving. I am not going to go out of my way to do her any favors. If we need to decide on something in mediation, i'd be willing to compromise but i am not going to just offer.


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SRS
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Reged: 11/05/10
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: NinaEll]
      #752533 - 06/20/11 05:44 PM

You will not be charging her to watch your dh's children? How kind of you.....

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gr8Dad
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Reged: 06/07/04
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: SRS]
      #752538 - 06/20/11 06:00 PM

Oh, so she gets NO credit for saving Mom $400 a month? Of course not, shes a STEPMOM, we all know they are EVIL.

--------------------
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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NinaEll
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Reged: 06/18/11
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: gr8Dad]
      #752546 - 06/20/11 06:37 PM

I'm not saying that i am OH SO KIND for not charging. I am saying fact is she will be saving $400 a month and gas to get out there will cost nowhere near that amount, so with the aspect of gas money, i dont feel bad. With the aspect of inconveniencing her, i don't feel bad either. I am going to really enjoy being able to stay home with the kids, be involved with school etc.

SRS Really... Is it that hard to look at a situation without such Pessimism?? Have you ever been in a situation like this or are you just feel that you know all and feel you are somehow entitled to throw out your ignorant comments based on something you have never experienced?

Fact is, i love these kids. My step kids every bit as much as my biological kids. I am trying to do what is best for them. I put a lot of thought into making this decision and only negative effect of this decision i could find would be the 20 miles issue; which is a 35 min commute, (it currently takes 45 min because of traffic to get to daycare). Based on all of the inconsistencies these poor kids have gone through, i think this will finally be the one stable thing in their lives that is not going away (friends, home and school). I wanted someone's stories if they had gone through something similar, not jack ass comments that completely try to tear me apart as a step mother. If you knew half of the situation with their mother, you would be disgusted at what these kids have gone through. We have had to put both kids... A 4 AND 6 YO in counseling because of the things said to them BY THE MOTHER THAT BIRTHED THEM. Forgive me for not taking the mileage she might put on her car into account as a determining factor of our move.


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Goodmom
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: NinaEll]
      #752615 - 06/21/11 05:55 AM

[quote]@Goodmom-"To be honest, it really isn't fair to expect her to share in the added cost that your choice made"---- Yes, this is a choice that we made to move that distance, but i will not be charging her to care for the kids, saving her the $400/mo that she has been paying for daycare. Even with the added gas $ she will be saving quite a bit not paying for childcare. I think having the option to keep the kids at home vs. sending them to daycare and having them in school close to the home adds at least a little more consistancy than what they have been through for the past 4 years. [/quote]

You are assuming a couple of things, one that a judge will keep the 50/50 with this change. S/he just may. But the judge may change the order on education which is likely given that the father chose to move so far away. The other is that the mother does not have to let you watch her kid during her parenting time and if she did, so what. It's still not fair to have her do any of the transportation because of the father's choice to move away. And it was a choice. The both of you could have rented while waiting for the short sale to close. Or you could have bought a house and renovated. Given that January was not that long ago, chances are her attorney is going to be able to make the argument that the father did not give full disclosure at the time of court about his intent to move so far away.

If there is neglect or abuse going on, the Father needs to discuss that with an attorney to see what his options are. You should stay out of it as you have no legal standing and may just aggravate the situation.


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SRS
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: NinaEll]
      #752617 - 06/21/11 06:06 AM

Your husband was not honest in court about the move away. You know that and are trying to justify it. End of story.

If BM chooses to take you back to court, she may just win because of the dishonesty.

If BM was so abusive or whatever, why doesn't your husband have custody? Why was 50/50 granted?

Your husband wasn't honest with the courts and it may just come back to bite him in the arse.

ETA: Why isn't Dad doing some of the driving?

Edited by SRS (06/21/11 06:17 AM)


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Buckeye
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Reged: 12/08/05
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: SRS]
      #752618 - 06/21/11 06:10 AM

This whole thing just smacks of PAS to me. Next thing, they will be trying to get full custody - just watch and see.

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SRS
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: gr8Dad]
      #752619 - 06/21/11 06:11 AM

gr8 -

THey lied in court by not disclosing that they were moving right after they got 50/50 custody. Then, the SM talks about how awful the BM is and vengeful.

Based on her post, it sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.


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SRS
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: Buckeye]
      #752620 - 06/21/11 06:15 AM

I don't necessarily believe in PAS, but yes, they will try for custody next by saying the BM is abusive.

We've seen it on these boards quite a few times over the years.

ETA: A 4 year old and they've been divored for 4 years?


Edited by SRS (06/21/11 06:22 AM)


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NinaEll
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Re: Moving/School issues- 20 miles away in utah [Re: SRS]
      #752646 - 06/21/11 11:10 AM

Yes, a 4 yo and they have been divorced 4 years. They separated before the pregnancy, she got pregnant so they stayed together then shortly after 4 yo was born Mom decides to load up dad's truck with all of his stuff, tell him to get out. Dad moves out rents a home and mom says she wants him to come back. Dad says no, mom turns in divorce paperwork.

They got a biforcated divorce, so temporary orders were all that were standing until this last January. She gave up all but 2-3 days a week since about 10 mo after separation because she said she couldn't handle the kids on her own. We had the kids usually about 5 days a week, although she had "full temporary custody". We lost days with the kids in january and gained 50% legal custody. That was after a $14,000 custody evaluation. In Utah, trust me it is VERY hard for a father to get full custody. The mother pretty much has to be blatantly on drugs and still they give her many chances before they will take away custody.

What upsets me about the situation is that she moves her sister into her home when she received more days because she says she can't do it by herself. According to the kids (freely telling us) their mom's sister and her partner are the only ones that will play with them. Mom just wants to watch tv. She will not cook meals, or even carry out for that matter. They have boxes of doughnuts, ding dongs, twinkis etc that are free grab for meals. (And that comes from the kids which was after verified by the custody evaluator in her report) No, we are not going to try and get full custody. I would love to have it but i think every child needs time with mom and dad.

I have stayed out of the court stuff. As far me doing childcare; she always has the first right of refusal, meaning if she would like to take the day off work to spend with the kids then she could do so at any point. If she doesn't have the day off work then the decision goes to my husband for childcare. I believe it is a lot better on kids (and less back and forth) to be able to stay at home vs. daycare.

@Goodmom- "If there is neglect or abuse going on, the Father needs to discuss that with an attorney to see what his options are."--- We have discussed the things being said to the kids by their mother, unfortunately mental abuse is a lot harder to prove than physical abuse. We have both kids in counseling and thats basically all we can do to help. It is hard when 6 yo bursts into tears and spills her guts about something harsh her mom has said to her, but she will not repeat it after that one time. Its like she explodes and spills her guts and everything that is hurting her and closes back up. That is something we are hopefully working through with counseling. I don't know specifics, but the counselor has said that the kids warned not to tell us certain things by her mother. The counseling is confidential unless he feels the children are in danger of physical harm so we don't know what those things are.

As far as the court giving her the final say over education; we got the attendance records from the school she went to kindergarten at and she was late for school about 75% of the time on the days her mom took her to school and missed 11 full days of school, all which we did not know about and were unexplainable. I doubt they would give her the final say over school, but i could be wrong. I guess if that were the case we would figure it out at that point.

As i said before, we wanted to close on a house by August when school starts. Either way she would be switching school this year because her mom wanted to pull her out of the one she is in to have her go to a school by her friends house (closer to daycare but not in boundaries). The daycare lady we have been using is going to stop childcare in about a year because she just finished school so after a year we'd have to move her schools again, not to mention 4yo will be starting kindergarten next year. I want to make the change once. I don't want them having to attend a different school for each grade. Therefore a short sale wouldn't have worked because we couldn't close in enough time.

SRS- I don't know how you keep getting on this "we lied to the court" kick. In january, we had absolutely no idea where or when we were going to move. We were still left renting and on top of that we were having to save up money to pay Mom's morgage because she kept threatning to walk out to screw my husbands credit. In march we actually ended up having to pay her full morgage on top of alimony so that it didn't screw up his credit. At that point we did not even know we were building. We hadn't even looked in the area. We did not lie to the court about anything, everything has just kinda fallen into place.

Like i said, we are not going to try for full custody. I would never want to take the kids away from their mom. Yes, i know she is mentally abusive to the kids, i hope it stops at some point but all we can do on our end in regards to that is being done. And my husband has and does help with the driving. That was mentioned in a previous post where i said "every day either my husband or i had to leave work" He does most the driving as far as taking to daycare and picking up, i was saying when she was in school i had to leave work to pick her up from school and take her to daycare a lot of days because my husbands job did not allow for him to always be able to have that specific time off to pick her up.... That was said to the ex from the very beginning and she still insisted on pulling 6yo from school by daycare where transportation was available to enroll her in one over 10 miles away.


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