Start Your Divorce Today - Premium Divorce Online


Divorce Source Community Forums >> Child Custody and Visitation

Jump to first unread post. Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | >> (show all)
SamsDad
journeyman


Reged: 04/29/10
Posts: 79
nothing can be done?
      #754884 - 07/07/11 06:00 PM

A month ago, ex came to my fiance and told her she was seeing someone the last couple weeks and they were going to be meeting our daughter soon. Like any parent I had my worries about someone meeting our child after only a few weeks but its her life and I cant do anything about most of her decisions.

Two weeks later Ex came to my fiance and told her she was pregnant with this guys baby. In the same sentence she told her that she applied for medicaid and WIC and qualified and that she wouldn't be paying half of our daughters medical coverage any longer. Ex asked fiance to keep it a secret from me because she wanted to be the one to tell me. Fiance told Ex she really needed to be discussing our child's life with me directly.

Two weeks later, Ex confessed to pregnancy and stated she would be moving in with said baby's dad around September.

Now,three days later, my mother is visiting and she and my daughter were talking about dinners and what she eats at Ex's house - just a general conversation and our 3 year old daughter said "no mommy's house, ****'s house". When I was putting my daughter to sleep I asked her "do you still live at mommy's house with Auntie *** and sleep in the room with ****??" -at her current home where she is living she shares a room with her mother's roomates daughter. Her reply was "no, i sleep in my bed at ***'s house" - the boyfriend's house.

Today, I confronted the ex and asked her if she was already living with the boyfriend (whom I haven't met and don't have a clue about). She said she was "moving things over" because her roomate has two dogs she doesn't clean up after and she doesn't want our child living in that environment. I know that this means she has moved over and not only didn't discuss it with me but is trying to keep it a secret. If my three year old is aware enough to say it, then it's been going on for a while...which I kind of figured would happen but I was waiting for evidence before saying anything.

So - ex has moved to an undisclosed location behind my back with our child.

This is move #7 for her. Boyfriend #11 she has leached onto. I'm already having our daughter two extra days a week that is not in the parenting plan (so 5-6 days a week now for the last 3 months)...and there's nothing I can do???? Why wouldn't I be able to remove my daughter (legally) a couple more days a week from an already provably unstable environment?


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SamsDad
journeyman


Reged: 04/29/10
Posts: 79
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: SamsDad]
      #754885 - 07/07/11 06:04 PM

forgot to add that we currently have 50/50 shared custody currently

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7155
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: SamsDad]
      #754919 - 07/07/11 09:52 PM

If you have had the child 5-6 days a week consistantly for the last 3 months than you may be able to petition the court for a change in custody making you the primary residential parent. I say may because some states only allow custody hearings every so often except in the case of a major change of circumstance. (your x not taking her parenting time might be considered major) You will need documentation proving it. (possibly something from a daycare stating who picked up and dropped off on which days) You may be able to file contempt if she is suppossed to give you notice or disclose where she lives and didn't.

Beyond that there is unfortunately nothing you can do, and even if have full placement you still won't have much to say about where she is living unless it's a dangerous situation for your daughter. She doesn't have to allow you to meet her boyfriend, and she can still move as often as she wants. Granted your child won't be living full time with her and won't be impacted as much but nothing will stop it.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SamsDad
journeyman


Reged: 04/29/10
Posts: 79
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: Debi]
      #754936 - 07/07/11 11:32 PM

would something like her work schedule documentation? On the extra days she would drop her off I was available to watch her all day on those days. the only documentation that i have is my own documentation of my extra days with her that could be compared against her work days which could be subpeonad but also whitnessed by my fiance as well as my brother who was living with me at the time.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7155
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: SamsDad]
      #754962 - 07/08/11 07:01 AM

That's a tough one. When she dropped her off while she was at work did you then have your daughter all night or did she pick her up after work? I don't think you are going to get a custody change if the reason for all the extra time was her work schedule alone. Most parents would be happy to have the child rather than have her go to daycare or a babysitter or worse yet just with random people. You are going to have a hard time proving that she's irresponsible if she brought the child to dad while she was earning a paycheck. You made it sound in your original post that she just didn't want her around.

I get being frustrated with the moves and the extra people that are being brought into your child's life. While the way your x is living is not what I would choose to do I don't think you are going to be able to change custody at this time. She really doesn't have to let you meet her boyfriend or tell you anything about him. She more than likely does have to inform you of any moves. It sounds as if you reminding her of that will remedy that situatiuon. You could still attempt to file for full placememnt but consider this. If you blind side her with that she may NOT bring your daughter to you while she works and then you won't know who is watching her. She may decide if doing the responsible thing is going to cause you to go after her that she will not allow you access to the child during her parenting time. You should probably weigh the pros and cons.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: SamsDad]
      #754975 - 07/08/11 09:35 AM

SamsDad I have been following your story and I think together with some of the other issues you are facing your case is definitely gaining momentum. Have you had time to bring these things to a lawyer to discuss your options? I wouldn't try this without an attorney simply because most states are typically mother-friendly.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SamsDad
journeyman


Reged: 04/29/10
Posts: 79
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: ssmom79]
      #754993 - 07/08/11 11:01 AM

Debi - I really appreciate your input and advice. I do realize the things you are saying which is why I haven't made the move to modify custody just yet.

ssmom - thank you for your reply as well. Its nice to hear a bit of light in the dark. I have not sought out a lawyer lately I think largely due to the fact that I did seek a lawyer about 7 months ago because she had done this exact thing except I found out after the fact that she had been secretly living at a boyfriends house with our daughter and the only reason I found out was because once she cheated on him, stole money from him while he was away in Iraq, and then dumped him - we ran into him in a store and he told us the whole story about them keeping their living arrangement a secret. In fact, they kept their whole relationship a secret but that's not here nor there. So ANYHOW - I went to a lawyer and she basically treated me like I was an idiot and told me that in a nutshell my ex had to be putting our child in physical harms way, doing drugs around her, or abusing her to gain any more custody. By the responses I've had to my posts, I began to think she was right. But then I analysed the whole situation and all the evidence I have that proves that environment to be completely unstable for our daughter, I'm beginning to regain hope.

However, I do not want to remove her from her mother. With her mother's baby on the way I think it would be cruel to take her away from the potential to have a brother or sister BUT with her mother's track record (having done this EXACT thing to me, the other guy, and now repeating the same exact cycle to this new guy) I see this ending badly and thus exposing our child to yet another perpetual cycle of neglect and instability.

The real and detailed story is much more extensive and detailed than what I have posted. I just don't want to go for the plunge until I have enough reason to believe it woudln't fail. With lawyer expenses and the possibility of having to pay her lawyer fees, I need to hear or be made aware that situations like this are possible to come out on top of.

Debi - she chooses to work on her days with our child and prior to her pregnancy, play and party on her days without our child (i.e. working mon, tues -her days with our kid- but take off thurs/fri -so she could sleep in or go out- which I have documentable evidence through emails/facebook and what not).

It's not just the frustration I feel and it really has nothing to do with the new guy or me not meeting him. To be honest I could care less and I know she has had MANY men in her life that I have never met so that's not the biggest issue. The issue I have is watching my child morph in and out of different emotional stages that clearly represent lack of attention, lack of hygene, lack of confidence, lack of comfort, and other lacks there of that stem from the fact that she is hungry for love and attention and time from the one person who tosses her around like a handbag that doesn't match her outfit for the day. It's the fact that the ex has completely fused her life together with not only men and their children, but women and their children and then whisks herself and our baby away in the night only to never see them again. All I can think of is what this is doing to my child. How every relationship she has ever built (on her mother's side) has been severed without so much as a word. And one day, are one of those people going to come after my ex for her actions? And will my daughter be home or around when that happens?

I am legitimately concerned. F*ck the petty stuff - I want my daughter to be healthy, happy, loved, and be able to hold on to the people she loves.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7988
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: SamsDad]
      #755002 - 07/08/11 11:47 AM

ANYHOW - I went to a lawyer and she basically treated me like I was an idiot and told me that in a nutshell my ex had to be putting our child in physical harms way, doing drugs around her, or abusing her to gain any more custody.
__________________________________________

Isn't that the saddest thing....in order for you to have more time she has to be a lousy parent.

Don't give up hope. You know your case and the details and if you feel she has a better life with you, then keep looking for a lawyer and keep documenting.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
SamsDad
journeyman


Reged: 04/29/10
Posts: 79
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: ssmom79]
      #755018 - 07/08/11 01:25 PM

So with that said - the last time I sought out a lawyer, we went to the best one in town, she charged us $380 for the hour and a half we spent being shot down by her. Any suggestions for seeking good coucil without the crazy insance consultation cost? I'd like obtain a lawyer I can count on and go to if I need to who will take care of me and not just pay thousands bouncing from one lawyer to another...or is that just how it works?

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7155
Re: nothing can be done? [Re: SamsDad]
      #755019 - 07/08/11 01:30 PM

Trust me, I'm not saying you don't have legitimate concerns. Been there, done that and the attorney you spoke to is correct. In my state the other parent basically has to kill someone and it pretty much has to be their own child before the courts feel there is a danger. And I don't care what anyone says It's not a "Mom is better than Dad" thing. The courts can treat either parent like crap.

Again, it's all about proof. You say she manipulated her work schedule. Is that what she's going to say? More than likely she will say she had to work the schedule she was given. Who do you think her employer is going to side with if required to testify? He/She is going to say that she has no say over the schedule. (No boss is going to admit they let someone else dictate the schedule).

I'm just trying to be realistic based on what you've written. I know no one ever knows the whole story and it probably is more complicated. I also have a 3 yo and my heart would break to have her juggled around like your daughter is. I just want you to prepare yourself for her retailiation when you file for more custody. Chances are she will no longer ask to leave the child with you while she is working. That would be scary to me.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | >> (show all)



Extra information
0 registered and 9 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  dsAdmin 

Print Topic

Forum Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is disabled
      UBBCode is disabled

Rating:
Topic views: 4073

Rate this topic

Jump to

Contact Us Divorce Source Home

*
UBB.threads™ 6.5.1.1


Resources & Tools
Start Your Divorce Online Start Your Divorce
Several Options to Get Started Today.
Divorce Tools Online Divorce Tools
Keeping it Simple to Get the Job Done.
Divorce Downloads Download Center
Instantly Download Books, Guides & Forms.
Divorce and Custody Books Discount Books
Over 100 of the Best Divorce & Custody Books.
Negotiate Online Negotiate Online
Settle your Divorce and Save.
Custody and Support Tracking Custody Scheduling
Make Sure You Document Everything.

Easily Connect With a Lawyer or Mediator
Have Divorce Professionals from Your Area Contact You!
Enter Your Zip Code: