AngelBaby
recently joined
Reged: 07/12/11
Posts: 4
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I want to start with an apology if I start ranting because anytime I talk about my sons biological mom I get irritated because she causes turmoil in our family.
My husband and I have primary physical custody Sunday afternoon through Fridays after school and bio mom has him on the weekends. (In the summer it is flip flopped but we still have primary physical)
However, the legal custody (life changing decisions such as school, medical, extracurricular, etc...) is split 50/50.
Now, because our son is with us during the entire school week I am the one working with him on homework and staying involved with the school (she is allowed to be involved with the school too such as teachers meetings but she is rarely ever there) I see how much my son is struggling. He is very social and on top of that he has been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactive disorder. To say the least it is very difficult for him to function adequately in a classroom with twenty+ other students. His teachers have said many times (understatement) that he was sent to the principals office for the rest of the day because he was so disruptive in class that they couldn't even teach the lesson for the day. He is going into fourth grade this year and I fear the worst. I really don't want a repeat of last year. It was VERY taxing on our whole family.
I have been looking at other options that may help my son through this stage in his life with minimal emotional scars. I have been researching cyber school (still considered public schools!) I even took him to one of their conferences so he could check it out and see what it would be like if he was enrolled. He said to the instructor that he wanted to get started already. He was really excited about it. (I was/am too)
Now we get to the part that's really frustrating me. My husband and I brought this idea to my sons biological mom. Almost immediately she became upset and emotionally unstable and started crying and saying that we don't care about her opinion that we make all the decisions for our son and so on. She doesn't even want to let him test it out with the possibility of, if it doesn't work out we would un-enroll him and get him back in where he's at now. She doesn't even want to think about the possibility of him going anywhere else, even at the cost of him bombing again this year. *sigh*
Her argument is that she wants him to have a normal childhood with the memories of school and blah blah... I know what kind of memories he's making at school because I hear from his teachers and the principal almost daily. :( I honestly was looking at the cyber schools because it would get him out of the social setting of public school so that he can focus on learning. All she seems to be worried about is how many friends he has which in my opinion is a very poor reason for allowing your kid to continue in a place where you know he is struggling to no end.
For the sake of not fighting with her we have decided not to move forward with anything as of yet. What happens when he goes back to school here and still has the same problems. Possibly even worse (he's hitting puberty too).
Should we get a lawyer involved? Do we have a chance of being able to make cyber school a reality? Is there a possibility of changing the legal custody to 49/51 over this issue? any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
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I can certainly see why your stepson's Mother is upset.
50/50 legal means the father can't move forward with changing schools without the mother's permission or a judge saying he can. Changing schools is a major decision that his mother and father need to come to an agreement on.
Chances are they will side with the father since he has primary physical custody.
If your husband wants to pursue changing schools, he really should consult with an attorney.
Oh, and stop talking to the child about changing schools. It's not a done deal and it's really not fair to involve him like that. If a judge or the mother agrees to the change, that is when the parents tell the child.
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AngelBaby
recently joined
Reged: 07/12/11
Posts: 4
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Honestly I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because I deal with at least 90% of his schooling issues. I make sure I inform her of every teacher meeting, every extra cruicular activity, every special event going on with the school involving our son. Yet, she shows up and participates maybe 10% or less of the time. I have even kept her informed about the problems he has had at school so she knows what he is going through. I really think for her at this time that it is a control issue and not about his education at all. :(
We live in the same town about maybe 10 blocks away from eachother. If he was able to do cyber school he would be at our home and either my husband or I would be here to help him through his assignments. The cool think about it too is that he can take his school work wherever there is an internet conection which he has at both mom and dads. I really thought she would be excited about it but she was totaly turned off from the idea of helping him with school work at home... :( She is always talking about wanting more yet she never wants to do the work too. She says she wants to be involved but then opportunity comes along and she refuses to work for it.
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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First, if bio-mom doesn't like it, then you have hit a wall. The decisions are split 50/50 and without a court getting involved the short is he should stay where he is.
Second, I think if your SS is disruptive to the point of being dismissed from class and nearly failing a grade, maybe there is more work to be done in the home with choices and consequences. I am not being critical of what you in the home because I don't know but my first thought is when we had trouble in school with my ADHD SS consequences following him home really led to a turnaround. He is 17 now, in 11th grade and doing so well.
I've done virtual school which is possibly the same or similar to cyber school. My hubby and I have 50/50 shared visitation of my SK's and she did public school and virtual school to make up a first grade at the same time. She prefers regular school after completing it because of the lack of social involvement in virtual school. There were some discussions and live chats but mostly a girl alone in a room on a computer. She is very social.
Would a summer cyber class be available so bio-mom could get to know more about the program and maybe ease her fears should you decide to pursue that route? Perhaps a short summer term would help her in her decision.
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MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
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"But refuses to work for it".
I gotta say I have an issue with this statement. I also have an issue with you referring to your stepson as "my son" - and honestly I am usually not bothered by involved stepparents as my husband is one. But I also believe the bioparent should have the primary role in parenting as it is their child. My son's father isn't very involved but he's still his father. Maybe I'm just cranky this morning but I found your post very much about you - amd everything you do for your stepson. What does his dad do for him?
Why does your husband have custody?
I'm sure it may be difficult for BM to come to term with her son's ADHD if she doesn't see him every day and see what he struggles with. I wonder if your husband may try a different approach and contact her directly instead of having you do it? Does your husband not involve himself in his son's activities and schoolwork?
Lastly - whether or not you agree, your hubamd and BM have 50/50 decision making power. If your husband truly feels changing school would be in his son's best interest he needs to consult with BM more about it and possibly an attorney if it needs to go that far.
Edited by MrsB (07/12/11 08:19 AM)
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ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
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[quote]Honestly I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because I deal with at least 90% of his schooling issues. I make sure I inform her of every teacher meeting, every extra cruicular activity, every special event going on with the school involving our son. Yet, she shows up and participates maybe 10% or less of the time. I have even kept her informed about the problems he has had at school so she knows what he is going through. I really think for her at this time that it is a control issue and not about his education at all. :(
We live in the same town about maybe 10 blocks away from eachother. If he was able to do cyber school he would be at our home and either my husband or I would be here to help him through his assignments. The cool think about it too is that he can take his school work wherever there is an internet conection which he has at both mom and dads. I really thought she would be excited about it but she was totaly turned off from the idea of helping him with school work at home... :( She is always talking about wanting more yet she never wants to do the work too. She says she wants to be involved but then opportunity comes along and she refuses to work for it. [/quote]
I have always dealt with school issues with my SK's. It's just not BM's thing. It doesn't mean she loves them any less or she doesn't want to work for it. It's just something I am better at handling and my job offers the flexibility to be more involved.
Managing virtual school at home is not easy, especially when you're working full time and managing a household. There is a lot of parental involvement and if teaching isn't BM's thing, it's likely helping in a full time capacity isn't a good idea. I can understand wanting to be involved but not wanting him to be in cyber school. My nephew is ADHD and he is quite a handful. My mother is a retired teacher and she declined virtual school as an option for him.
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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So far the answers you have been given have been great. I have a few comments to make.
Your SS has been dx as ADHD, what type of med is he on and why has the destruptive behavior been allowed to go on for so long? Being ADHD is NOT an excuse for acting up. You need to get him on the right meds and/or use behavior modification when he starts to act up.
When did you tell the BM about the cyber school (I'm also going to assume internet school). Was she apart of the process from the beginning or did you and your husband just spring it on her after you decided? IMO, it doesn't matter if your husband and the BM have 50/50 or if your husband has sole legal custody, BOTH parents should be in agreement for the internet school.
For the younger grades (elementary school) there is a LOT of work for the parent to do. It has it pros and cons (I did with with 2 children). It is not easy nor is it for everyone. Some kids do well and others do not.
I was a CSM and dealt with most of hte school issues for my YSS, just as I did with my own children. My husband received custody after filing for custody due to educational neglect of the BM. So needless to say that the BM I dealt with did not do much about school issues, which included homework on weekends. We learned to deal with it. My YSS graduated HS in June.
My husband had sole legal custody. The BM only had 'veto' rights when it came to sending the child to a school that was not for our residence. In a nut shell, I schooled our 2 boys at home (internet school) and the court didn't want the child homeschooled again (while he was living with the BM and he failed that grade) without the approval of the BM.
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SamsDad
journeyman
Reged: 04/29/10
Posts: 79
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My little brother was diagnosed with ADHD and had to struggle through school for a few years until he found a few things he was good at and then he hung with those kids and did great. 4th grade - hm...so that would make him what...9 or 10? If you pull him out and give in to his possible "handicap" he will learn his whole life that because some doc told him he had a "disorder" he gets to pop around what eeeeveryone else has to get through. As adults we learn to break the cycle of what happened in elementary school. And those of us who don't have issues but it's not the end of the world.
To be honest - the whole "my son" thing is really a problem. My fiance raises my daughter 90% more than her own mother does but she doesn't walk around saying "my daughter" as though her "biological" mother isn't in the picture. It's rude and actually makes YOU sound like the control freak...not the bio mom. MOM probably wants what every other parent wants - a say in their child's life. So what if she isn't around sometimes or isn't as perfect as a mother as you are!? She is still the MOTHER and you are the step parent. Until that child is old enough to make the decision that he honors YOU as his mother over her, then and only then should you really refer to yourself as his mother and even then it's a little weird of you to alienate the mom.
Point is - you want something the mother doesn't want for her child. Tough. Unless you get a lawyer involved, you won't be able to change her mind. Maybe next time, if you bring the idea to her before you emotionally invest in a decision and get the CHILD involved, you might see the result you are looking for.
Whenever my ex corners me on a decision she has made without consulting me, it makes me furious (i.e. moving without consent, chopping our kids hair off, picking a pre-school without telling me).
If you start getting your SS on board with the idea that he has something wrong with him when really its something he could grown out of, he will live with it forever. Maybe mom just wants him to have a "normal" experience in school because she cares about his well being. Just because you think something is right and she doesn't agree doesn't mean she is a control freak or doesn't have his interests in mind.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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Your H "could" get a lawyer involved BUT that opens the door for mom to request a change in custody also. Considering that your H has pretty much turned over responsibility of the child to you and you have gone behind her back and made a choice in changing schools BEFORE involving her it may not bode well for him. No the courts will not change legal custody to 49/51. It's shared legal custody or sole legal custody and given that the co-parenting is already not happening from dad I doubt the courts will award him sole custody just so you can have even more control.
ADHD is used as an excuse for bad behavior far too often by people who do not want to actually teach their children how to act. I have a bi-polar child (who is now at teen, soon to be at the age of majority) and believe me she does NOT get to use it as an excuse. I've had the police put her in handcuffs more than once. You want to fly off the handle or cause a disturbance then you learn to live with the consequences. Waht makes you think that simply removing him from school is going to be the answer? There is way more to it than that.
What does his counselor say about online school? Maybe he needs a change in meds or if he hasn't been on them long needs time to adjust. Personally I think taking away all social aspects of school is going to do more harm than good.
She has a right to be upset with the way things were handled and it sounds as if she's right that her opinions were not taking into consideration. Stop and walk in her shoes. Put your H in the place of the NCP who is "told" what is going to be done with a child that's half his. How well would HE take it? of course she wants him to have a normal childhood. Who doesn't want that for their child?
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1755
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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I agree with the others. The FATHER has willing turned the majority of raising HIS son over to YOU. Which has resulted in YOUR referring to the boy as 'my son'. He is no more your son than I'm your daughter. He has TWO parents. Your husband may think the MOM is a turd that crawled out of the ground (and you may too) but she is STILL, and always WILL BE, 'the Mom'. You will not.
Stop trying to cut the Mom out of the boy's life. If the FATHER wants to consult with the teachers, counselors, etc. (which is what he should have been doing all along) then HE should present those facts to the Mom. It is solely his and HER decision -- you don't factor into it.
Frankly I think custody should be reversed. Obviously DAD wants to turn the majority of the care of HIS SON over to YOU. While the MOTHER wants to care for HER son by herself. Which would make more sense to a court? Hmmmmm???
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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