shane5665
recently joined
Reged: 07/14/11
Posts: 2
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Ok here's the short version
5 weeks ago my son (14) told me my wife asked a "friend" to join kids and her at an amusement park and told kids not to tell me because dad wouldn't understand. Well son did and i confronted her. She moved out of our apt. and moved in with lover in a different town 40 min.s away. Without me around she came over and asked kids who the wanted to live with. Son chose me and daughter chose mom. Later mom tells daughter (12) that she has decided to have lover live with them. WTF she hardly know this man and wants my 12 yr old live with him. Wife works nights 4 times a week 12hr shifts and she expects me to let daughter stay with this stranger overnight?. Also the kids just found out we are not going to be a family anymore. Ugh!! My wife has been gone for 5 weeks and has only seen kids 3 times. She has helped some with bills. She makes double what I do. I'm so afraid she will take the kids from me. This is the 2nd time in 2 years she has walked away. The first time was for 3 months. Not sure how to protect my kids without having much money. Yes both kids are living with me at this time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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You need an attorney yesterday. You are in the position of getting custody of the kids. If you don't do something legally now, I can about guarantee you are going to get divorce papers soon, and they say she has custody....and it will be an expensive and uphill battle from there. Those that are passive when it comes to divorce can count on being trampled.
Beyond that, you will have little control of what she does on her time with the kids, including who her new lover(s) are. I'd let go of that notion now, and focus on custody.
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annatof4
member
Reged: 07/13/11
Posts: 125
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Agreed DedicatedDad. Shane you need to move quick. Once those papers are served on either side, it is harder than hell to change it. There are attorneys out there that can work with you on making payments. It is a needle in a haystack, but just keep pushing. Since the kids are older, their opinion of who they want to live with may be a issue. In my state, depending on the age of the child, the judge can give heavy weight to the wants of the 14 yo. This will be a trying time on you and the kids.
DedicatedDad is absolutely right, you have no say or control what happens from this point with what the soon-to-be ex chooses to do or who the children are associated while with her. It is much easier to let go on that now...rather than later. Of course, if abuse is ever suspected, thats a whole different issue.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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It is a difficult situation to say the least. However courts cannot make a moral determination. As a result, it is only relevant if the activity palapably affects the children in a negative way. that requires some proof it is endangerment. A revolving door to the house by multiple individuals may certainly cause issues. Without that, it is unlikely a viable contest to custody.
You say you are protecting your children. The question is - from what? there must be a real threat other than morality. The cohabitation alone is insufficient.
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shane5665
recently joined
Reged: 07/14/11
Posts: 2
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Yesterday, My to be ex gave me her lover’s full name and date of birth. I did a backround check and he has an arrest in 2003 for battery (domestic violence). Would this be the threat you are referring to? I simply can't allow my 12yr old daughter to live with this man.
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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Your ex was under no obligation to give you this information. An arrest from 8 years ago probably isn't going to carry much weight today. What does your attorney say?
"I simply can't allow my 12yr old daughter to live with this man."
This may not be your choice. Ultimately, the courts will decide if you and your ex can't.
Beyond that, have you filed for divorce with exclusive use of the home and custody of the children yet? I would have hired an attorney and had it started within a day or 2 after your original post. If you haven't, you are already made your first big mistake.
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Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
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A 2003 offense does not mean he is a danger to your child. At best, you may be able to acquire an order that temporarily limits contact (such as no overnights in the family home) until the divorce is over. However, after that, you cannot prevent it.
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bosoxy
recently joined
Reged: 08/09/11
Posts: 6
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If your concern is that your daughter is spending nights alone with a man you hardly know, have you asked your wife to have visitations with your daughter on those nights? At least until a Divorce is filed or maybe until you meet and trust this other man? PP are right, you can't do anything about who she is with, but you can try to have visitations to limit contact. Just don't tell her that's the reason. I know that sometimes, if the CP is not around, the courts will let the other parent have the child on those days so this might work.
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rodman15
recently joined
Reged: 08/23/11
Posts: 1
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I agree
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Renny
addict
Reged: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
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>the second time in two years she's walked away.
It seems what bothers you most is the 12 spending nights alone with her lover. Why not start there and tell your wife you will not put up with that?
In my jurisdiction a 14 year old can elect which parent to live with -- which one will have primary physical custody. But a 12 year old wishes will be heard too and you may find that your particular judge has no problems with the live-in lover. You might ask for no overnights at the mothers house with no-related adults at the temporary hearing.
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