jennssm
recently joined
Reged: 07/25/11
Posts: 2
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Hi Everyone,
I'm looking for a little input on a question I have. Currently, I have sole custody of my son. When his father and I divorced, he told the courts that he just wanted visitation. At that point in his life, he really wasn't ready to be a "dad". He was more interested in a fun, non responsible life style. That was four years ago. Throughout those four years, we have had our ups and downs. He has had quite a few girlfriends but at this point, I think my son has just become acustomed to this and realizes this is how it is. Now by no means is his dad a bad father (our son is 7). He's wonderful with him for the most part. I have realized that just because I don't agree with the way my ex lives, I cannot punish our son. My ex has been asking for more time with our son as well as joint custody. Our papers give him every other weekend and one day a week. Plus he gets him all summer and during the summer I have him every other weekend. We are very flexible with one another no matter whose time it is and little by little I have been giving him more time. At this point, the main thing that bugs me the most is my ex does a lot of fighting with his girlfriend. My son has seen a lot of this through the summer since he has been staying out there. I have spoken with my ex about this and he assures me it won't happen again and then once again, it does. It's very frustrating. My question is this...should I consider giving him joint custody? And if i did, does the court frown on this? Would they look at it as me not wanting to be with my son? Because that is the LAST thing I would want. It's very hard for me to be away from my son but I do understand his father misses him to. I'm just wondering what other's think of this and if anyone else sees anything wrong with changing it. Thanks for all your input!
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annatof4
member
Reged: 07/13/11
Posts: 125
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If the father has visitation, I am not sure changing the custody to joint would really change anything.
Basically, the difference is joint custody means both the parents have equal rights on decisions concerning their child. On the other hand, a sole custody means that only one parent has the right to take decisions. These decisions are in regards to medical, education, religious, etc.
IMO, If you currently have issues with the decisions the father makes, I would not change the custody. You can always modify the visitation. But, it does sound like the visitation is somewhat fair. I wouldnt think that the courts would frown on it, but I am not sure.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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If you change sole custody to joint and/or work out a more equitable schedule with your son's father the courts aren't going to look at it as if you don't want your son . They will view you as being a responsible parent who sees the worth of her child's other parent in his life. Although I can see why you might think that. People think that if a mother doesn't have her child the majority of the time or isn't the primary caretaker that there is something wrong with her to have had "her child taken away". Thankfully that POV is slowly going away as more people do a 50/50 schedule and most states presume joint legal custody.
It sounds as if your son's father has a very standard parenting plan. Is it that he wants something closer to 50/50? or is it that he wants to have part in the decision making? (Or maybe both?) My x and I have had 50/50 for 10 years. Our kids are very well adjusted because we get along and work together for them. I have not agreed with all of the decisions he's made in regards to his life and I'm sure he hasn't agreed with all of mine, but we don't make decisions that will harm our kids and we don't make decisions regarding the kids without discussing it with each other.
If you feel as if you can work together for the benefit of your son then i think you should allow him the same legal rights that you have. I'm not saying the fighting isn't an issue but rather than just saying "No, I'm not doing it", discuss the issues with him don't just "speak to him". That implies that you don't see him as an equal parent. No matter what the custody papers say you son does have half his DNA, he is an involved parent and does have a good relationship with the child. That makes him an equal parent. You don't have anythign to lose really by changing it to joint legal. It just means you have to discuss major issues like education, medical and religion. If there were a major emergency you could still make a split second decision without consulting him (such as an emergency appendectomy or treatment if he were in a car accident). It would just mean you'd both need to be involved in non-emergency treatment which it sounds as if you'd discuss it with him anyway.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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jennssm
recently joined
Reged: 07/25/11
Posts: 2
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Thanks for the input. It definately helps to hear from others. Divorce is NOT easy that is for sure. I think for my son's father, he just feels that he's not really playing his part as his dad because he doesn't get equal time with him. I guess I can totally understand that because I would feel the same way if the table was turned. I will definately give him more time with him...maybe start off slowly and add time as we go. I want our son to be able to adjust slowly and realize that we both love him equally and we want equal time with him. Again, thanks for the advice!
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rodman11
recently joined
Reged: 07/26/11
Posts: 1
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Unless the man means him harm every man should have the opportunity to be in there sons life. I think it is healthly for kid to have both parents in there life.
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robyn8
recently joined
Reged: 07/26/11
Posts: 1
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Kids definitely need both parents unless you have a good reason to keep them a part,he needs to develop a relationship with his dad as well.
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://[censored].squidoo.com/md-hearing-aid-acoustitone-pro-hearing-aid]acoustitone pro
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maimai
recently joined
Reged: 08/12/11
Posts: 10
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I am conservative in this area but I would hold off on changing your arrangement. Once you give up some control you cannot easily get it back. It sounds like he already has a nice arrangement with his Dad due to your good nature and concern for your son. Parenting works best when there is one in charge and one to have your back when necessary. A 50/50 split never works well. I'm just saying.
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