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JohnAnthony
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Reged: 08/15/11
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NEED HELP, PLEASE READ, WHAT TO DO
      #759425 - 08/15/11 08:15 AM

So 2 months ago my wife of 15 years tells me she is not happy and that I am too possesive and controlling and insecure and if I cannot change she is not sure she wants to be married to me and maybe we shoudl seperate for now. I instantly go on the defense and wonder what is going on and assume there is someone else, she tells me there is not and its all about me and how I act. After a couple weeks I accept it and start going to a counselor and see how I was and try to start a change. In the mean time we stay in seperate rooms, argue, make up, I try to do the right thing and work as hard as I can on it. After a few more weeks things just get ugly and the fights turn physical and she also said she wants to be happy and is going to do what she wants to make her happy and be selfish and I should figure out what makes me happy. So after the many fights and nights she spent out with her cousin who is going through a divorce, I decide to move out and go stay with parents and friends because I cannot sit there while she is out partying and coming home at early mornig hours.

Last week I had her followed and she went to happy hour after work, no problem, she went to a party at her cousins, no problem, she then went out and went to a sports bar, somewhere she would never go with me, then went to a club, no problem, then here is where it gets bad, she went to a motel, I am not sure with who or to meet who, but my friend said she pulled into a motel and stayed there for 3 hours from 2am until 5am and then went home. I called her, texted her and emailed her the whole time since my friend called me while she was there. I have left for work out of town and she had not responded or answered my calls in 4 days. I am not a fool, i know what happens in motels, I am in shock, upset, angry and my first thought was to file for divorce.
I love this woman and am starting to think I might be able to fogive her, but I have no clue what is going on in her head, I think she always wanted a divorce and maybe was scared to admit it and used the happiness issue as something to get it started. Since she will not speak to me, i am not sure what to do or what she is thinking, i know its only been 4 days, but how long do i wait and what do i do next? Please respond with any ideas, i am lost and miss my wife and i thought i needed to change, but now i think maybe she has had someone else the whole time and just used her happiness as an excuse, i wish she would talk to me so i could ask her what she wants. I think she showed me by her actions, but I want to be 100% sure before I file for divorce, I love my wife and would be willing to work at it if she would, but by her not talking to me, i assume she wants a divorce. Please advise any help or info, someone has to have gone through this before me. I made a commitment 15 years ago and I want to be sure I exhaust every effort before filing for divorce, who knows maybe she will file, but I just don't know what to do.

I can think of no excuse for her to be at a motel and it makes me think she has had someone else the whole time and just used her not being happy anymore as an excuse to get the ball rolling for a seperation to see if this other person is what she wants and have me on the backburner.


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DedicatedDad
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Re: NEED HELP, PLEASE READ, WHAT TO DO [Re: JohnAnthony]
      #759426 - 08/15/11 09:09 AM

"my wife of 15 years tells me she is not happy and that I am too possesive and controlling"

"Last week I had her followed"


And she is 100% correct.


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JohnAnthony
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Re: NEED HELP, PLEASE READ, WHAT TO DO [Re: DedicatedDad]
      #759428 - 08/15/11 09:22 AM

Sorry, forgot to mention that we have had two previous occasion where she was haveing lunch with other men and admitted it was moving to an affair or was at that point. I realize i am insecure, but does the fact that she went to a motel to meet someone give me reason, or should i just turn a blind eye and had i not had her followed i would never know and is it better to never know. I think she was using the happiness cry to get a seperation to test out the waters with this other person and keep me on the backburner until she knew how things were going to go and by having her followed, i caught her in her affair and now have to decide what to do. I know it seems obvious, but I love this woman and want to work on our issues, but have no clue what she is thinking. If I had trusted her, i would have no idea she is having an affair, its called a gut feeling and i acted on, i know it wasn't right, but it showed me the truth, which is what she should have given me instead of using her happiness as an excuse for a seperation to try her new found affair and keep me on the backburner.

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DedicatedDad
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Re: NEED HELP, PLEASE READ, WHAT TO DO [Re: JohnAnthony]
      #759431 - 08/15/11 10:05 AM

Your marriage is long since over, unless you don't mind your wife having sex with others.

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Annie7676
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You know what to do.. [Re: JohnAnthony]
      #759470 - 08/15/11 04:49 PM

Yes you made a committment so long ago...but its obvious from her actions that she has reneged on that committment..

what to do, well there are many things..you can hang on, try to save your marriage but if you are the only one doing that it is probably useless. At some point, reality has to set in. By being with other men she has pretty much shown you what she wants. People that love each other don't do this most of the time.

Cheating is a deal breaker.

Do you want this to be your life, hanging on to someone who is out at night...waiting...and being unhappy?

Yes divorce is sad and very hard but sometimes thats what has to happen.

You deserve to have a woman in your life who wants to be with you, not other men. Those of us that have had this happen, hang on and pray, beg, plead do whatever to get them to change their mind and usually they don't.

Get some legal advice, see what your rights are and plan for the future without her. Get some counseling and if she wants to try and save the marriage then go for it but if not....then end it, work on yourself and move forward.

It will be hard and it will be very sad, but it may be better then being thrown away.

Good luck.


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JohnAnthony
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Re: You know what to do.. [Re: Annie7676]
      #759509 - 08/16/11 08:01 AM

God, how lost can I be. So I tell my wife that either we work it out together or we get divorced and we need some kind of communication because no communication will only end in divorce, let me know what you want.

She responds and says lets talk. I call and she goes on to say that she did go to a room with somone and broke down and cried the whole time, nothing happened, she said she realized what she was doing and realized that she still had feelings for me and explained what was going on to the guy. I am wanting to believe her and just not sure what is truth and what is not. I want to be married and I want to have my wife back, but I am not sure I will be able to let this go, I mean I have to believe what she is telling me to let it go and its hard. She went on to say she wants to work on our marriage and she realizes that she is not showing our son what a married woman, mother is supposed to do and she doesn't want him to think this is how marriage is. I have been going to couseling alone for 1 month and now she says she will come with me, I am happy about that, but I hope its not her feeling guilty about whatever happened.

Why could she not see this in the beggining and why did she have to be going out so much for the past two months. I know she was trying to rebel and just be happy in the short term, but it hurt me and its hard to say ok, lets do this together now. Of course I want to, but I don't want to feel like a second choice.

A friend of mine told me that since he knows i love her so much, to be happy that she is coming back to reality and not in her fantasy land of clubbing and partying and starting to realize what it takes to find real long term happiness. He said she might start listening to reason now and i should go to couseling with her and give it a chance, he tells me dicorce should be a last resort, not an option. I feel the same and just don;t want to regret anything later.


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DedicatedDad
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Re: You know what to do.. [Re: JohnAnthony]
      #759521 - 08/16/11 10:01 AM

She went to a hotel room with a guy? What did she tell you they were doing: having a nice game of checkers with a cup of tea?

Think again...


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JohnAnthony
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Re: You know what to do.. [Re: DedicatedDad]
      #759740 - 08/18/11 08:50 AM

Talk about a major challenge in my life, I am not such a fool that I do not know what could have happened, I am in love with my wife and wonder if she still has love for me. I do not want to withdrawal from my marriage of 16 years without knowing that I have done everything I could have to try and make it work. I am just confused as to how long I keep trying and when will I know I have done everything I could?

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DedicatedDad
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Re: You know what to do.. [Re: JohnAnthony]
      #759793 - 08/18/11 01:51 PM

It's already over. When a woman is with other men, she has already checked out of the marriage. There's nothing left to do but initiate divorce.

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Annie7676
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Re: You know what to do.. [Re: DedicatedDad]
      #759813 - 08/18/11 05:25 PM

I agree with dedicated dad...its over. I do not mean to sound so harsh but she has been with other men, cheating is a deal breaker.

You and your son deserve better. IF she loved you and wanted to save the marriage she would...actions speak louder than words.

How do you know she didn't bring something back with her from those other men?

My best advice is tell her to hit the road and play hard ball with her. Maybe that "will" wake her up...
and make her realize what she stands to lose and then maybe she will put her energies into working on her marriage with you and being a good mom.

My LTM ended because my X was having a 4 yr affair only I did not know it..I was so dumb I wanted to believe all the lies he told me...they were all lies and a waste of time, I should have kicked him to the curb instead of hanging on to someone who was with SOMEONE ELSE.... now out of it....what was I thinking????

again you deserve a woman that loves you and does not cheat

but we get so DESPARATE THAT WE HANG ON LIKE FOOLS

dont be a fool


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