despedina
addict
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 697
Loc: Hillsboro, MO
|
|
My daughter will be a freshman in High School this year, so starting this year she will be in the high school marching band (which is what she's worked toward since starting band in 6th grade). At the end of last year, I discussed with my ex that in Marching Band there are many activities in the evenings and weekends especially in Sept and Oct during football. He said he was okay with this. Halfway through July, I got hold of the tentative Band Schedule for this year, made a copy of it and gave to him. Still he was okay with everything including the band camp from 4-9pm during his last week of summer visitation.
The week before his last week of summer visitation, he said he was just going to "give up his week" because it was too much problem for him to get her to camp. We were very frustrated buy my husband and I adjusted our work schedules to be able to get her there on time. Yesterday, my daughter called her dad to ask to go to a dance next Sat night. I told her to also remind him that there is band practice from 8-noon on Sat that she needs to go to (as is noted on the calendar I gave him). I overheard her talking to her dad saying "dad you knew about this" then she comes out and asks if he can skip picking her up on Friday and just pick her up after practice. Again I was frustrated with this but I told my daughter to tell him I'd look into it and get back to him (I wasn't really sure at that moment our plans for next weekend). Apparently this was not a good enough answer because he demanded to speak to me.
He began by complaining that he works until midnight on Fridays and I would have "way more sleep" than him in order to get her to practice. I relented and told him I would get her there but he would need to pick her up, that I could not do all the driving on HIS time. He agreed. I also told him that I did not think I could do this EVERY time there was a Sat band activity on his weekend (there is an activity every weekend in Sept and Oct except 3). I also reminded him that he's had the schedule for over a month to which he said he didn't even know where it was.
I guess I'm afraid this is going to be an ongoing theme this fall. Each of these band activities is worth 100 pts. The band teacher will work with parents who have good reasons for the kids to miss (we are going out of town one weekend which will be excused) but I know my ex will just not take her and not have any better reason than he's tired. My daughter is starting to feel like her dad does not care also. She was very upset when he gave up his summer week and he's also told her he doesn't know why she's so worried about her band competitions, that his former HS will "hand her band's A$$ to them" anyway (classy).
He also just told her today she could not go to the dance because its "too much driving". He lives 25 min from the school. yes I know there's nothing I can do about that but its just more of the same.
Any tips on how to convince him this is very important to her academically (gradewise) and personally that she get to these band activities? She is really not involved in any other extracurriculars.
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
Maybe the answer is to change up the schedule during band season (Sept/Oct) so that she stays with you on Friday nights and he picks her up after band on Saturdays...every weekend. Problem solved.
|
despedina
addict
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 697
Loc: Hillsboro, MO
|
|
So giving him more time is the answer? I fail to see how that is solving any problems. He agrees ahead of time to the band schedule, tells me now its too inconvenient, and I should give him every Sat afternoon-Sunday night for 2 months. All that does is reinforce his bad parenting. I can't continue to schedule her extracurriculars around his visitation schedule. He needs to participate like any parent would. I'm willing to work with him (even though I feel he's being lazy), however I don't want to give up more of my time with her.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
What is his regular visitation during the school year?
|
despedina
addict
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 697
Loc: Hillsboro, MO
|
|
Its every other weekend, and every other holiday. So basically if a holiday causes one of us to get 2 weekends in a row, the other parent gets 2 weekends in a row after that. I try to schedule things fairly, but he never helps and it can get difficult certain times on the year.
He's also supposed to get Wednesday nights and return her Thurs mornings, but a couple of years ago decided that was too much trouble and opted out of doing that.
Summers he gets 6 weeks in 2 week intervals, but as I mentioned, opted out of one of these weeks because it was inconvenient. I feel like parenting is full of "inconveniences" and he needs to understand that and participate.
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
I was assuming that he has every other weekend. Is that not the case?
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
So he does have every other weekend. So, if for two months, you took all Friday nights and he took all Saturday nights, then he wouldn't be getting more time. It would just be allotted differently.
Thing is...you don't get to control him, even if he's acting like a douche. You have to decide what's more important to you...making him conform to the parenting schedule or ensuring that your child gets to participate in her activity.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
That's why I asked.
To the OP - If he has EOW - taking away Fridays and giving him every Saturday equals out to be the same. It's just exchanging Fridays for Saturday's every weekend (one weekend day every weekend instead of two days EOweekend).
I do understand it can be frustrating - he agreed to it now he doesn't want to follow through. However - if it's important to you and your kids for them to be involved in this - I'd be willing to make some switches on visitation for the season.
|
despedina
addict
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 697
Loc: Hillsboro, MO
|
|
I don't agree. Me getting a couple more hours on a Friday night and dropping her off at 8am on Sat does not equal entire Sat evening and entire Sunday that he will get on weekends that are not normally his.
I was trying to see if anyone had any suggestions on how to get him to take her to her activity on Saturdays, but I guess there's not a good suggestion. Either way I'm sacrificing - either by missing a good portion of my weekend or just dropping her off on Saturday morning and possibly picking her up if he ends up refusing that also. He gets all the easy stuff and I'm stuck with the hard stuff.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
Trust me I understand that last sentence completely:). YAH is right though in that you can't control his actions (or lack thereof).
Could you maybe ask him what he'd like to do and see if he has any input?
|
despedina
addict
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 697
Loc: Hillsboro, MO
|
|
He doesn't normally get her on Fridays until 6pm - maybe i wasn't clear on that.
|
despedina
addict
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 697
Loc: Hillsboro, MO
|
|
What he wants to do is have me drop her off on Saturdays and then pick her up. Some of the activities just list the time as "all day". For example - there are several competitions that are "all day" competitions. I'm assuming we will need to drop the kids off at 8 or 9 am (I'm sure they'll let us know when it comes closer - and I communicated this to ex) and let us know when we'll need to pick them up but probably not until a week or so before it actually happens.
I told him that if I had to drop her off and pick her up that it pretty much means I have to stick around the house most of the day.
He pretty much only committed to picking her up at noon next Sat, and told me we'd have to "work out the rest as it comes". He's not asking for extra time or claiming he's not getting enough. He basically just wants her when it works out for him.
In the past year, we've not known until the last minute if he's going to show on Friday nights. Sometimes he's "too tired". He's shown up sometime between 10am and noon on Saturdays. Its almost as if he's getting tired of coming to get her and he only lives 15 min from our house.
|
youngatheart
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/03/05
Posts: 9394
|
|
You're talking to the wrong person if you think I don't understand.
I get my kids to ALL of their activities...which are year-round. Ex gets most if not all of their off-time. I do it for my kids...for several reasons: 1) so that they can partake in their activity, but also 2) so they have time to develop a relationship with their dad...whatever that relationship ends up being.
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
|
|
No one can give you suggetions to make him step up because there aren't any. You can't FORCE him to do it because there is no law that says the NCP has to take their parenting time, only that YOU (the CP) have to make it available at scheduled times.
You have a few choices here.......1)You keep her every Friday and make sure she gets to all practices and "sacrifice" to do that, because that's what parents do and let him pick her up after on his weekends .2) You ignore the fact that he may not get her there and let whatever happens, happen or 3) you use YAH's suggestion and re-adjust parenting times to be sure your daughter gets where she needs to be.
You've already shot down YAH's idea, you've already complained about keeping her on Friday's and you've said that the practices are not optional. Not really sure where that leaves your daughter but she's the only one I'm feeling bad for about now. It must suck to be stuck in the middle of parents who argue over who's responsibility you are.
--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
|
despedina
addict
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 697
Loc: Hillsboro, MO
|
|
Debi you're right I did complain - but that's all it is, complaining. I know its important to get her to these things and if I'm the only one who will do it then so be it.
I'm not complaining to my daughter, that's why I come here. I've already told her that one way or the other she will get there.
I guess I was just looking for some wording to use with my ex to make a convincing argument. He seems to forget this is his daughter, and thinks its just someone asking him to do something unreasonable.
|
MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
|
|
That's understandable. I know it can be frustrating doing all the hard work...when the NCP wants to just give up time so they don't have to do it.
I would explain to him how you feel - and try to get ideas from him on coming up with some kind of solution you may both be comfortable with.
|
ssmom79
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/27/07
Posts: 7784
|
|
I really think Debi summed it up for you:
1)You keep her every Friday and make sure she gets to all practices and "sacrifice" to do that, because that's what parents do and let him pick her up after on his weekends.
2) You ignore the fact that he may not get her there and let whatever happens, happen or
3) you use YAH's suggestion and re-adjust parenting times to be sure your daughter gets where she needs to be.
________________________
I take my SD to ALL extracurricular activities and if BM gets involved I look at it as a blessing. It's not 'fair' to me but it is fair to my SD. Sometimes you have to look past the fact that what you do for your daughter is also a benefit to your ex.
|
Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2015
|
|
[quote]I don't agree. Me getting a couple more hours on a Friday night and dropping her off at 8am on Sat does not equal entire Sat evening and entire Sunday that he will get on weekends that are not normally his.
I was trying to see if anyone had any suggestions on how to get him to take her to her activity on Saturdays, but I guess there's not a good suggestion. Either way I'm sacrificing - either by missing a good portion of my weekend or just dropping her off on Saturday morning and possibly picking her up if he ends up refusing that also. He gets all the easy stuff and I'm stuck with the hard stuff. [/quote]
None of your posts indicate that your ex is actually saying that your daughter can't go. Just that he won't drive her. So you take your daughter to her activities and drop her off on Saturday morning on his week-ends and keep her on your week-ends. It's a pain for you, but you can't force your ex to take her.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
