LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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(I am not saying that they have to spend every waking minute together)
----------->> Okay, what do you expect them to do when the only life the child has with the parent IS to spend every waking moment together?? At least, for me, the child has little to no relationship with her father.. independent of her sister. Like for me, ex is VERY aware that his child has NO interest in being there if her sister isn't. Why? Because the parent doesn't interact with the child, the CHILD interacts with the child. The parent has said, and I quote (this is verbatim, word for word): "I am willing to sacrifice MY relationship with her {our daughter} so that they {the sisters} can have a relationship". But meanwhile, THEIR relationship is predicated on HIM. And HE is willing (and intends to) allow the other child to STOP going, whens he's got better things to do. Sooo, he has no relationship with child, child only cares about child, child is gone... now what? I'm supposed to force her to go to a guy who doesn't care about a relationship with her? And has made that very clear (that's not the first time it's been said, it's about the 10th).
No, I'm not going to force her. I have a child who battles EVERYTHING.. ALL THE TIME. I pick my battles and this battle? Is NOT mine to fight.. it is her FATHER'S.
Now, in general, I would say it's situation-specific. That's MY situation and I have empathy for anyone in similar shoes. If child, on the other hand, is just being a toolbox, then it's a different story.
Mine is that the other parent hasn't chosen to make himself a priority in the child's life. Period. And, as young as 3, has tried to make it HER responsibility to maintain their relationship (which I won't allow and it's one thing I consistently push back to HIM, she is the CHILD, he is the ADULT). If that makes me a crappy parent or a bytch? So be it. I've way more than earned the right to feel as I do and it's 100% justified, and given I document EVERYTHING, it's 100% provable.
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Cassie23
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 14714
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but like DD said, what happens when the child who has been allowed to make adult decisions now decides to move in with the other parent, would such a decision be supported when it no longer aligns with what the parent agrees with...
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I wonder this myself.
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DedicatedDad
veteran
Reged: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
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I've seen this exact situation occur more than once with the same result....the parent that doesn't want to enforce parenting time, when the tables are reversed blows a gasket....suddenly it's "how dare" the other parent deprive me of my child!
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MrsB
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/03/10
Posts: 6355
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<<In my state anything less than 93 days of parenting time has no effect on CS calculations for NCP. And it's called parenting time, WTF is visitation? If someone lived in my house 93 days a year I would not consider that a visit.A visit is when auntie Edna drops by on thanksgiving for pie. >>
The term visitation is what's used in a lot of court documents. I agree for most it's parenting time - OTOH not all parents actually parent and I would consider it more visitation.
I also wouldn't consider aunt Edna staying with someone any amount of time "parenting time". Yes - it's visiting. Poor comparison.
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Cinder2
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4361
Loc: Southern California
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If the court actually allows a visitation schedule at the child's discretion, then after six months or so, I would file for a child support modification based on the actual visitation in the previous six months. However, I very much doubt that the court would allow such a visitation schedule to be put in writing.
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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So, if your daughter all of a sudden decides she doesn't want to see you, that's ok?
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M5M5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 11722
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Cinder!!! It's been a while since I've seen you on here...how are ya doing?
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LexieBelle
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/10
Posts: 3680
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[quote]So, if your daughter all of a sudden decides she doesn't want to see you, that's ok? [/quote]
------------>> I'm not into forcing relationships.. they either are, or they aren't. My daughter is already well aware, say the word, I pick up the phone to call dad to come pick you up. Buh bye! She wants to go live there? See ya! It's not that I don't love her, I do.. I love her enough to NOT play the power struggle game. She wants to go live with dad? Be my guest. I, literally just Saturday, had that converation (again) with my ex. The day she wants to go and he's willing to take her? Have at it! Not playing the game. And it's a game.
Ex knows it, I know it, and neither one of us are doing it. Not when it comes to spiteful "well, then I'M JUST GONNA GO LIVE WITH SO AND SO!!" shyt. Be the sorriest day of dd's life she does that. As ex said, she'd see him LESS if she went to LIVE there than she sees him now. Wouldn't be a bright move on her part and her life would be hell. Dad has to be at work at 7am. His mother is dying of stage iv ovarian cancer and his stepfather is having strokes left and right. HE (her father) now has emphysema and is functioning of one lung, but still smoking 2-3 packs a day AND working 20 hours a day, 6 days a week. So yeah, not where she wants to be and not where HE wants her to be. But if she wants to go? She can go. Won't be a party or a picnic and dad would only take her if **I** made an issue out of it.
Now, on the flip side, I give my ex enormous credit that he wants his kids to have THEIR lives. And he wants them to be safe/healthy. He may have issues with day to day parenting but he wants them healthy and happy. So like this month and last, she'll go twice. My choice the first time (with his blessing), we cancelled a visit due to Irene. He had the opp to take her when she was in NY with me, he didn't.. hurricane was coming, we went home with no visit. This month, she went this weekend, but next time she has a party. She missed it last year, b/c of going to dad's, and as soon as she found out it was on this year, she asked "is that a daddy weekend?" and didn't want to go. Dad knows that I didn't even ASK last year to go, and these are kids she's very very tight with so she's going this time, with his blessing. To HIS credit, he'll be here Wednesday night for her school's Open House.
He realizes her life is here.. and he realizes I go a lot to maintain the relationship. He's making more effort. He also doesn't want either kid hanging around there watching 3 adults slowly die. Sorry, make that FOUR, since great grandpa is livin' there too and he's gotta be 90+ at this point soooo.. it is what it is.
I fully admit my situation is FAR from "the norm". But it works.. for us. Yes, my child has some level of "control". It's managed within the confines of what BOTH her father and I are comfortable with. Many would not agree and that's fine. I have a pretty healthy and very very happy 5 year old who loves both her parents and has a happy family... even though it's a small and weird one :) We do what works for us. And yeah if that means someday she decides not to live with me or see me? It is what it is. But, remember, I'm 42. An adult for 24 years. out of those 24 years? I've seen my parents.. MAYBE 10 of those years? I'm no stranger to kids cutting off their parents ;)
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