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Reged: 09/20/11
Posts: 2
Not really new
      #762887 - 09/20/11 06:56 PM

It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship and my new SO and I are having some growing pains. Even though the relationship is new we have known each other and been close friends for many years. This spring he opened up and told me that his feelings for me went deeper than friendship. Over the years we have both had feelings for each other although it never seemed to be at the same time. Apparently he had been holding this back for some time while deciding how he would be able to deal with not only me but my children. He's younger than me and has never been married and doesn't have (or want) kids of his own.

Shortly after that we decided to move in together. His biggest fears were the kids and would he be able to deal with the chaos. I must say he's done a wonderful job at that. My kids have known him as long as I have and they adore him. We live very well together and there is no argument over household chores or laundry or yard work.

The area we are having issues is intimacy. My SO is a very reserved person and physical intimacy seems to be difficult for him. Not from a physical standpoint but from an emotional one. He is perfectly happy having sex once a month or less while I would prefer it be a couple of times a week. I'm more than willing to compromise to once a week or once every 10 days but I'm really not ok with once a month. It goes further than that though. He sleeps fully clothed which he says he does because of the kids. I bought him sweatpants and pajama bottoms in hopes that he would wear those instead of street clothes to bed. So far he hasn't even tried. I also think that he finds excuses to not be intimate. I've tried talking to him about it and one comment he made was that it was hard for him to be attracted to me when I change into frumpy pajamas in the evenings to watch TV. (I started changing right before I go to bed and it hasn't helped.) He works 2nd shift and gets home about 10:30 -11 PM. When he gets home he sits down watches TV, falls asleep for 4-5 hours then gets up and showers and comes to bed. (about 4 AM) Then he gets mad because he says I'm snoring and he can't fall asleep.I would have a hard time falling asleep too if i had most of a nights sleep some place else. I've suggested that he shower as soon as he gets home and comes to bed before he falls asleep but he insists that he needs to unwind first. So because of my snoring I've taken to sleeping other places than our bed. My kids spend half their time at their dads so I usually sleep in one of their beds and lately on the couch when they are home. This isn't doing anything to enhance our sex life either!

He says he doesn't want us sleeping separately but I don't see any other way. I've tried everything I can think of to stop the noise. I started using breathing strips, changed pillows to one that is hypo-allergenic, wear lighter pj's so I don't get too warm, tried all different sleeping positions and I just don't know what to do.

Every other aspect of our relationship is good. He tells me he loves me all the time. He texts me to tell me if he can't call me in the evening.He makes sure my car is maintained. I come home during lunch every day because sometimes that is the only 40 minutes a day we see each other or have time to talk. I make sure that when i make dinner for the kids there are plenty of leftovers for his dinners.I make sure his work clothes are clean and ironed. We talk, laugh, joke around and have the same friendship we've always had. I don't want to see this go down the tubes because of the intimacy issue, but it's something that's important to any relationship and I never hid the fact that it is important to me. Even in our friendship I knew it wasn't as important to him but I thought we would meet part way. When we are together it's very good but I think he's self-concious about his ummmm abilities, whic is silly because it's very good.

What can I do to make things better? I love him so very much and I want us to become a stronger couple, not drift apart because of this. If he really isn't attracted to me then I'd rather know now, but I don't think that's it. How do I talk to him about it?

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Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8852
Re: Not really new [Re: ladybugmom]
      #762938 - 09/21/11 01:02 PM

Honestly - your definition of reserved and mine are pretty far apart. What you are describing sounds rather far out from normal but shy/reserved.

I would guess he is either gay (unlikely but possible) or has some kind of deep emotional/sexual trauma. The comments on your frumpy pajamas etc. were likely just to distract you from finding out what is really bothering him. When he feels cornered he strikes at you to avoid the issue. If he doesn't want help or change there isn't much you can do. You have to either deal with it or move on.

You could try counseling yourself to see if they can help you approach the situation better. Personally I wouldn't let him off when he flips it on you. He knows that you would do anything - including flit around in lingerie if he wanted. It makes no sense that he would keep that to himself until confronted by you. How convenient that his latest complaint - snoring - is one you can't get rid of. That'll distract you for a while, no? But really - whatever is bothering him feels to him like snoring is for you. A part of him that cannot be changed. I don't know how you change his mind - or if you even can.

Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.

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Reged: 09/20/11
Posts: 2
Re: Not really new [Re: elliesmom]
      #762947 - 09/21/11 02:51 PM

Thank you elliesmom. I've already thought of the possibility of him being gay. I don't think that's the case, but you're right it's not impossible. I don't believe he'd be that selfish. What I mean is i don't think if he was gay he'd have ever approached me with his feelings. When he told me how he felt about me he talked about being jealous every time I would date someone and he wanted me to just be able to see how he felt.

There is a greater possibility that there is some sexual trauma in his past. I know that I know more about him than anyone else does, but I also know I don't know everything. I don't think he lets anyone in that far. I know there are a lot of childhood issues and a lot of left over hurt regarding the way he was treated by his mom. There is something that tells me this is his way of keeping me from getting all the way "in". I don't think it's as much about sex as it is about being in control of himself.

I would do anything for him and have put on lingere because he once mentioned he would like that. It was something that took me way out of my comfort zone because I have very low self esteem (and trust me this isn't helping), but I did it for him. He seemed to like it but I really haven't had much of a chance lately with sleeping other places.

All I know is i'm tired of sleeping in a different place every night. I never get a good nights sleep because I'm never comfortable and I'm getting depressed because I've never felt uglier in my life.

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Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
Re: Not really new [Re: ladybugmom]
      #764448 - 10/09/11 05:20 PM

Doesnt really sound like much of a relationship to me, could he wear some sort of ear plugs so he doesnt hear you snore?

Good Luck

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Reged: 07/14/12
Posts: 7
Loc: Houston, TX
Re: Not really new [Re: buckwheat]
      #788504 - 07/20/12 12:18 AM

This was hard to read. Iím a man but that was the day-by-day story of my life with my ex-wife for several years. I desperately needed her, wanted her, she basically was emotionally and physically unavailable. After several years, I became too vulnerable to even ask for it anymore. Sex Stopped completely. Intimacy such as kisses were cold, hugs were turned slightly away. Hurt like Hell!

Left alone, it will become more than you can bear. We went to counseling. She went for a couple sessions then refused to go back when we started looking into issues. I went on for the last 4 sessions when the therapist said to me ďa simple fact is that some people are not meant to be togetherĒ. We were together 3 more years

I was so angry and hurt by this that today, I realize, I over reacted when she did reject me and probably made it 10 times worse by being so vulnerable, hurt and rejected. That being said, we needed extended therapy and counseling. She wasnít willing. I had to choose between living a life that was not growing or getting better or moving on. We discussed working on it and she wasnít interested. I eventually moved on, though it is the hardest thing I will probably ever do. It is definitely not as painful as those many lonely nights lying right next to the person I love and being unwanted by them.. I still want her in many ways but suspect there were issues there that have nothing to do with me.

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