8kidsandshocked
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As it seems a bit hostile. But here goes. And no, I'm not a troll and I'm not making this up.
I'm 40, married 15yrs, raised my H's daughter and defended him and stood by him as his ex ran him through a horrendous perjury-filled protective order scam and parental alienation mess. I homeschooled and raised his daughter as my own for 16 years, and at age 21, she still lives here and is one of my closest friends.
H and I have 7kids together, 10years down to 10mos. I homeschool them too. He has supported us all financially, and we have moved twice to follow his job (autoworker). A month ago he left. Says he has given me everything I have wanted and its all been at his expense, so now it's his turn. He has called once a week since he left and seen the kids three times. He called once to tell our 10 he can't move back home because I am not "meek, quiet and submissive," and another time to tell our 8 year old daughter that he left because I have been abusive and manipulative.
Child support and rent/electric/water is his entire check. Alimony is financially impossible. This still leaves us without winter heating fuel (w3 burn wood), a litter of 3 week old puppies (we breed working dogs), a small herd of goats and random cats to care for.
He suddenly and selfishly abandoned me, his 8 kids, a forward moving and productive family homestead, and a ton of half-finished projects. We are renting, and have a bunch of debt and maybe $3500 in misc junk in the garage.
What is equitable here. Fair is a joke at this point, and keep it to yourself if you think I should stick half my kids in school and the other half in daycare while I go out into 20% unemployment and snatch up a well paying job with no skills or experience. Thanks.
And thanks in advance for honest feedback. The situation is shocking, I know.
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gr8Dad
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Well, if the utilities and child support takes his whole check, I don't really see where you have a CHOICE but to put the kids in regular school and get a job. I mean if he is giving you his whole check, what else do you want?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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8kidsandshocked
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I know, you can't squeeze blood from a rock. His whole check covers most of the running of the place and taking care of the kids. I don't know what job covers full time child care for 4 kids (roughly 450 a week), gas for a 15passenger van (8mi/gal), and still leaves me a paycheck. I don't want to draw blood, but after raising our kids for the next 18years while he's gallavanting around, how can I plan to re-enter the workforce at 58, no employment for 25+ years, no skills, and no way to support myself? He bails out, I do the right thing--the hard work of raising and educating 8 kids, and then I'm expected to start a career as I enter my 60s? Am I entitled to any of his pension or social security? Can he be required to start a Roth IRA for me or something? I depended on his vows, and did what we agreed in good faith, and now he thinks he's entitled to some fun at MY expense...disgraceful.
Thanks for your honest feedback.
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gr8Dad
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How much "fun" will he be havng with NO money?
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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annieo
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Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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curious question
you are 58 and your children are 10 months to 10 years?
I call troll
if you are not a troll - can the 21 year old work and help support the family since she lives there or maybe she can babysit and you can get a job and put the children in regular school
You could both work and put the children in school - work opposite shifts so daycare is not needed - you will HAVE to work regardless of your age or ability - you will have to do something to bring in money to support the children you created.
Good Luck
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1goodman
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just curious why did he leave? trying to figure your story out. how old are you? 10mo old child@58 is old for childbirth. OHH youre 40! ok
why did he leave. why you say and why he said are always different. was for me. just curious, goodman
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1goodman
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also, any hope for coming back together? your story is real sad. just reread. can you work it out or is he taken up with another woman already? i feel for you and your kids.
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spinnerdegrassi
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You're not going to be able to homeschool the kids anymore...that's going to be your reality regardless of whatever job you find. There's no way you're avoiding the job market for the next 18 years, waiting till your youngest becomes of age.
If you didn't start having kids till you were 30, where is your education and job experience prior to that?
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8kidsandshocked
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I'm 40. By the time the youngest is grown, I'm 58. Hope that clears it up.
I have a law degree 10 years ago, by the time I graduated, I had a 1 year old and was 6 months pregnant with #2. I never got my license, because we agreed that it was too important for me to he home with the kids.nd we moved to follow his jobs, so now I'm not in a state where I can just.go take the bar exam. All told, it'll cost about 8K for a bar review course and the exam. And there are NO law firms hiring. NONE. they are housecleaning and downsizing as bad as any other field. So working in the field of my education is a nice theory, but after paying thousands to get prepped for the test, assuming I even pass the BAR, there isn't a job.
And he has only been gone for a month. He isn't with another woman as far as I know. Pastor speaks to him daily, usually for 2-3 hours. He just wants to start a band, play guitar, and not be nagged about doing dishes or mowing the lawn or doing "woman's work." He is 49. He just said he thinks the marriage isn't fair, I have it easy, he does all the hard work as the man, and he's done sacrificing. Seriously. That's his story. It's like he just snapped.
All that said, I would not divorce him, and I would take him back if he were to drop the selfish tantrum. If you're. Praying type of person, please pray. We are a twice-a-week church family, we are tight with our church family and all of our friends are Christian homeschooled families. Everyone is shocked and we are all praying he will soften his heart and come home. I just can't imagine putting my kids on a bus and in a daycare...we never wanted this...
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spinnerdegrassi
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If you have a post graduate degree, I can't see how you're going to escape going back into the work force, regardless of whether or not it's a legal related position. You know the courts aren't going to acquiese and allow you to stay home till your youngest turns 18. If anything, you're going to have much higher expectations to move into the work force than most others SAHM's since you have an advanced degree, and don't need to go back to school for another 4 years to get a bachelors.
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DedicatedDad
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To add, the court will not order 100% of his income as support.
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1goodman
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i agree with spinner. court will figure your ability to work. but him wanting to start a band at 49 sounds dumb. i dont understand that. with 8 kids? whats the real reason he left? he snapped over something. he needs to fix that. is he paying support now? just reread. youre educated, you have a close group at church. maybe the band will flop. goodman
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8kidsandshocked
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Our pastor has been trying to dig into what is going on with him. It appears he has been stuffing down more unresolved emotional junk than I knew. He feels inferior and like he can't be the husband and father we deserve. The pastor is concerned he might become self destructive. The only thing I can think that might have triggered this is I had a miscarriage the weekend he left. He showed no sadness other than a distant and emotional "I'm sorry this happened." But how would that trigger him to leave us?
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elliesmom
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Not to be harsh - but forget him. He is a grown-ass man who can deal with his own consequences. If you want to not put yourself out there and not date in the hope that god will get through to him - I totally understand that. But you have 8 kids to look out for (7 really). You don't have time to baby him too. It sux, but he could have been run over by a bus one day and you'd be here too.
The 21 year old - what does she do? I would think you could rely on her for childcare or a paycheck.
The animals have to go. Time to start finding homes. Because you need to rent something that is affordable and not 100% of his pay and finding a place that will also take a zoo - is not easy. Thank god you aren't tied into a mortgage.
You might have to move. I can tell you that your upper midwest where I am now has almost no unemployment - and it happens to be a nice place to raise kids (think Iowa, Nebraska etc.) with nice schools. You might have to rely on charity - which is also readily available in the aforementioned areas, because they haven't been hit as hard by the economy.
And MAYBE when he sees you guys moving on without him, he might get his head back on straight and want to be a part of it. Maybe not - but at least your kids will have you setting a good example of what to do when the going gets tough. Somebody needs to.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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1goodman
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now i really feel for you. sorry for your loss. i bet he was really torn up over the miscarrage too. i know i would. cant see running out on the other 8. is your paster helping you too? your insecurities may have caused some of this. sorry if that sounds bad. your story is a little mine.
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DedicatedDad
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Also, Having a JD in law is going to GREATLY affect alimony potential.
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Renny
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Looking at it practically -- I'll leave the praying and churchgoing to you -- you will have to get a job immediately and start making arrangements for daycare, preschool and school. The breakup with your husband is almost a sideshow compared to the enormous task of caring for seven minor children. Contact legal aid and child services to begin the process of collecting cs. Keep your chin up. Good luck.
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yregna
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Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Was your life plan to just continue popping out kids forever ? What are you, a rabbit with endless pasture to roam and no coyotes ?
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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hanzblinx
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I have a girlfriend who came from a family of 9 kids. Her parents divorced when she was 14. She says the older kids took care of the younger kids. Her mom worked. They also got welfare. I suppose you are in that boat.
Given that your husband is not wealthy, sitting around collecting alimony isn't a practical game plan.
As far as the shock goes, I bet if we heard his side of the story, there would also be shock and awe. We'll never know.
Edited by hanzblinx (10/03/11 10:43 AM)
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8kidsandshocked
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No predators here who eat kids. We have 10 acres, though. And I am not a rabbit, but a brilliant and loving woman who enjoys cooking, teaching and watching my kids grow into awesome people. Despite the current example their father is setting, my children are kind, sensitive, fun and creative people who make this world a better place than it was before they got here. We live modestly, fairly self sufficiently, and have never taken advantage of public programs before.
I am in the Midwest, and breeding and selling the livestock is really the only reasonable and practical hope of income (that was the plan before he ran off). I live 10 miles down a gravel road, 30 min from the nearest town. No apartment is big enough for us (and this many people in one apartment violates code), and property management companies don't rent 7 bedroom houses, which is, again, what we need to meet fire code. I clearly can't qualify for a mortgage (and our last house went to fore closure in Jan because he was laid off for most of 2009. We moved here because his company offered a transfer, and it was either that or no job). No work I can get will afford a $2500-4000 rental in a city, big or small, which is why we moved out to the country in the first place. At $1000 a month, this place is the best we could do in a 50 mile radius after 6 months of looking last year.
As for the rabbit and coyote comment, don't know what you intended by provoking others. In the social circles I have found myself in, it is unacceptable and borderline sociopathic to express such vicious rudeness and judgment toward someone who is experiencing a personal crisis. Even still, I'm stronger than you can imagine. I pity you for having so little self worth that you have to launch anonymous online character attacks on strangers. I hope you are able to deal with your personal issues and find some inner peace without hurting others.
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DedicatedDad
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You are in a tough spot. With so many kids, I can't imagine the financial and other issues you are will endure. Good luck to you though. I have a feeling you will figure it out.
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elliesmom
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I am calling BS. You can live in a smaller than 7 bedroom house. There is no fire code that requires kids to have their own room. And right now with your 0 income you could live for free in public housing. You are not being realistic. I live in the midwest. You could easily rent a house in - Omaha - for less than 1000/mo. You are going to have to make some hard decisions - like between crappy little house and homeless. But you brought 7 people into this world and you owe it to them to MAKE those decisions rather than have them made for you. You can't be an ostrich and stick your head in the sand because your husband isn't being fair. You are a grown woman with 7 people relying on you. Wake up - before you are homeless and your kids are wards of the state.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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finz
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"And there are NO law firms hiring. NONE"
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I haven't finished the whole thread yet, but felt compelled to respond to this. It is a real pet peeve of mine when people are so determined to TRY to make their point, they stretch their overexaggeration on some points into outright lying.
Did you mean to say something like, "There are only 3 law firms or independent practitioners within a 100 mile raidus of my home and none of them are hiring" ?
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finz
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I'm sorry for your recent loss, 8.
I think EM has offered some great advice.
Sounds like even though you and hubby agreed on the type of life you wanted to share and how to run your home and family life, your finances weren't enough to maintain that lifestyle (hence your last forced move and debt) Perhaps your recent pregnancy and loss indicated to your husband that your financial situation was just going to continue to get worse.....the hole was just getting deeper and deeper.
I'd ask the 21 to help the family by watching the kids while you work at a local job. If you don't want to switch to public schools yet, just do the homeschooling before or after you work. Start find homes for the animals. I didn't catch exactly where you are, but most parts of the country don't need heat THIS week. Get some income coming in. Make those immediate changes, then start making plans for the future.
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hanzblinx
enthusiast
Reged: 08/13/10
Posts: 380
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Get some guy to marry you and pay all your bills. I'm sure you are still hot. Use that as leverage. That's what women do. You did it once you can do it again.
Us men are just jumping at the bit to support more women. It's our greatest desire, to meet all the entitlements you demand. Any person born with two x chromosomes deserves alimony for life. If you were meant to work for a living, you would have got xy instead.
Edited by hanzblinx (10/03/11 04:32 PM)
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1goodman
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im with hanzblinx on this one. autoworkers make about 80k. child support for the seven should be 70 or 80% of his pay. how much would you have to make to cover the gap? i think yor story sounds worse than it really is. sounds like you live in a rural midwest area where the rent is cheap or could be reduced by moving to a smaller place or with family. the more i reread your story the more i also agree with hanz on shock and awe. your husband is a father for 21 years and has worked to take care of you the whole time. whatever made him snap had to be big.49 yo man doesnt just leave a wife and kids to go have fun and join a band. it doesnt make sense. theres more to his leaving then youre telling. im calling bs. if im right its time for you to pay the piper.
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1goodman
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im not with hanz on the whole xx xy rant. sour grapes man. but remarrying some day isnt a bad idea if you learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. good luck. goodman
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8kidsandshocked
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Autoworkers make $63k. He's been in 15 yrs, and he is at the top of the pay scale. And yes, property managemant companies must obey fire code laws, which require a family of 9 to have 7 bedrooms. We rent a 2000sf house with 4 Br now. Our foreclosure was a result of his shift being cut at his old plant, where we were comfortably living until he dropped to 50% of his pay while on layoff. The move to the Midwest took us 850mi from family, and was so he didn't lose his job. The subsequent move 250mi further west was necessary to keep his job, and allowed us to accomplish a massive downsizing from a lifestyle filled with good intentions and bad economic timing, including the mortgage company refusing to modify or accept either of 2 short sale contracts.
And for all the men with the bitter commentary, and anyone else who thinks I've been living the high life on the back of some poor schmuck, relaxing and getting a free ride on his paycheck in exchange for nothing, YOU try raising someone else's child for 17 years, raise and educate 7 of your own, and manage all the chores running a farm that HE suggested we start so that I could put in the hard work to make it profitable and retire HIM early, all under an agreed upon set of SHARED values and MUTUAL promises, and then he gradually stops doing the things he agreed to do, and stops holding up his end of the deal, suddenly deciding it's too hard, and he better chase his rock star dreams before it's too late. And yes, something big happened: he had started his very own rock band 5 years ago, had acquired a drum kit, bass rig, mixing board, a dozen electric guitars and built a 30x30 recording studio in our detached garage. While I changed diapers, cooked and cleaned, he was an auto worker by day, and spent nights and weekends "living his dream" recording an album of all his original music. When he lost his job, then his band, then the house (and the studio), became bitter and angry,blaming me that he never got to finish the album and pursue a career in music. And by the way, he reminded me regularly that I'm a terrible wife, mother, cook and housekeeper, and that I'm lucky to have him because no one else would want me. his own adult daughter isn't even speaking to him, his parents have all but disowned him, and he doesn't seem to care at all.
What I wonder is what makes it to hard to believe that a 49 year old father of 8 wouldn't bail to be a rock star, but at the same time be so sure that a 40 year old mom of 8 would have done something "big" enough to jeopardize her kids' welfare, endanger their well-being, and generally destroy what they thought was a wonderful and complete life? Would it really be the first time in human history a man just up and bailed for purely selfish motives? Perhaps I can get a tv show. Or just find another sucker to drain the life out of, since I appear to some to fit the profile of a selfish, self-centered, materialistic wife-zilla, me and my 8 homeschooled kids, raising dogs and milk goats on our rural homestead.
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8kidsandshocked
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Thanks for the straight talk. Good advice, but if he doesn't turn himself around and come home, I'm not getting on this train again. I love my kids too much to risk this again.
And for those who think I should just run out and get a job, I put in an application to work late nights at the local grocery store. They said I'm over educated and over qualified. This should be a piece of cake. And yes, when the job applicant graduated from an out of state [censored] 10 years ago, hasn't taken a bar review course or passed the bar, has no experience and didn't work at a law [censored] as a summer associate or judicial clerk, I do mean NO firms are hiring that applicant. I don't meet the criteria for "new associate" positions. Period.
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annieo
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Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1410
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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If you are applying at a grocery store maybe you shouldn't put down your education - it is not enough to get you a good job and too much for a basic job - you need a job so fill the application out according to where the work is - go to the next grocery and do not put down that you have a college degree - you need a job - any job - if you apply for a store clerk skip the higher education part.
ETA: send your daughter down to get the grocery job you were overqualified for - she is 21 can work and she most likely is not overqualified
Edited by annieo (10/03/11 10:55 PM)
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Renny
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No one underestimates how hard it is to get a job these days. The law degree and no license migh get you paralegal work in town . Even if you pass th bar it will b difficult o find work.
Innaddition to local work I'd look into all the aid available.
H sounds like he's going through s midlife crisis. It's too late to become a rock star.
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spinnerdegrassi
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Here's a general question. What would have happened if he had just passed away? You would have still been on the hook to raise the kids, and even with SS benefits, would have had to get a job anyways.
The point being, you were fully cognizant of the reality that by having so many children, that your life was going to be tied to their raising one way or another. That's a choice you made on your own, since you were the gatekeeper to deciding whether or not it was plausible to add another child once the 1st one was born.
I don't know what state you're in...let's say it's Missouri or Kansas as we got a ton of Auto Workers in KC the last 2 years who transferred from other parts of the midwest. If you go to court, even with that many kids you're probably not looking at more than 2500/month total. Even bump it up to 3k...it's not going to be enough. You'll have to find something.
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hanzblinx
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Posts: 380
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[quote]What I wonder is what makes it to hard to believe that a 49 year old father of 8 wouldn't bail to be a rock star, but at the same time be so sure that a 40 year old mom of 8 would have done something "big" enough to jeopardize her kids' welfare, endanger their well-being, and generally destroy what they thought was a wonderful and complete life? [/quote]
That's easy. experience. Once a 40 year old stay at home mom creates a facebook profile and starts screwing guys she meets online, it does jeopardize the marriage and the kids lives.
And such women don't need alimony, but a swift kick in the arse.
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8kidsandshocked
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Mid life crisis is what it is. And if he had died, I would have a million dollars in life insurance, 2million if it were an accident. Plus a year of his pay from work. And yes, he's at Fairfax in KS, we live in MO, transferred from Wentzville, and 3k a month would cover it. 21yr old has a job, pays rent, her own car insurance and some food.
I just don't know how I was supposed to assume I would maybe someday be in this position. My ENTIRE life HAS been tied to their raising in EVERY way for 15 years. I would NEVER have had 8 kids by a sperm donor or as a single mom, and I would never up and leave a marriage and try to do it on my own at their pain and expense. My choices were not based on possible worst case scenarios, but on promises made by a man who swore for better or worse, til death. These kids were promised a dad, not a rock star. Why should his broken promises and selfishness not force HIM have to do the extra work? It's senseless for me to go out to work to make just enough to pay for daycare for 3 kids (and once I'm working, even for min wage, we won't qualify for most benefits, when the 21 year old's and my income is factored in). Why should I be the one working from 7pm to 5am, get up at 7am with the kids and put in a 12 hour day being a mom, while he gets to sleep all day? And no, he isn't the kind of dad I can leave here with them while I work. Last time he talked to the 8 year old on the phone he told her that the reason he can't come home is because I hit him all the time. And he won't feed them--says it's not his job to cook. He has just lost his mind. That's all I can imagine. And I just need to find a way to keep my kids from losing their mom to a job after thy have lost their dad to a stupid guitar. And maybe, just maybe, he will wake up before they give up on him.
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spinnerdegrassi
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Ok...thinking rationally, how do you actually think you're going to avoid working till your kids are grown? I'm being serious here. If he goes, he goes, that's a choice he'll make one way or another. But if he does, then you have an obligation to figure out how you are going to financially support your children from your end, along with what he'll be obliged to contribute from his end. Tapping into an approximation with the Missouri CS calculator, even with you earning zero dollars, he'll only be on the hook for @ 2k a month in CS. If you can raise 7 kids on that, and not work good luck. I know this area is relatively cheap in comparison to most in the country, but not cheap enough to cover that many people's costs.
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M5M5
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If you wind up divorced, staying home with your kids and not working is a pipe dream. You really need to face reality, no matter how hard or unfair it is. And trust me, I do feel for you.
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DedicatedDad
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I'd say that welfare would be a popular option, but it sounds like their assets are going to disqualify her for most benefits. I'd be studying for that BAR myself, and forget about finding an employer. It would be easier to open a small practice and control your own destiny.
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Debi
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I have to agree with spinner. Other than the resident idiots everyone has given you good and stable advice. You may have never relied on public assistance before but you will have to consider it now. There is no shame in someone in your position accepting help. That is what the programs were designed for. the bottom line is you will have to have an income and with the number of children you have you will get daycare assistance. I doubt you'd have to pay any of it. You'd also qualify for food assistance. Your children need to eat and you owe it to them to make sure they do.
You are going to have to make all of your plans with the belief that he is not going to change his mind, because if you hold on to that hope you're going to be homeless before you know it. You said you are strong....then pull up your boot straps and DO something. What's not fair doesn't really amount to a hill of beans. You can continue to hold on to the promises and mutually agreed upon decisions but him leaving pretty much trumps all of that.
I don't think you are out to get something for nothing or to bleed him dry, but you are not ever going to get what you believe you deserve. Which from what i gather is for him to live up to everything you've built together. Start figuring out how you will do it on your own.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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8kidsandshocked
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WIC and welfare apps in today. Petition for legal separation will be filed tomorrow. At least we have health insurance. Yard sale in the works. It's a start. I would live on 4 hours sleep to keep my kids home. Looking for a 9p-3a part time deal.
Thanks for the advice.
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8kidsandshocked
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Hanzblinx, it is pitifully delusional if you actually believe that your brief life in your teensy little self-absorbed world has given you sufficient experience to write a character description for half the planet.
I'll be busy teaching my kids and running my farm, and I'll just leave the screwing of Facebook pimps to someone else.
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1goodman
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hanblinks almost seems to imply he knows you. if he does, then he also implies youve been up to no good in your marriage. if hes not someone you know or are married to presently, he is out of line. if hanz is not your actual husband and he is merely spouting off, the least we can do is say, im sorry your wife did that to you. im sure you are in serious pain. please dont be too hard on other women. that said i do find it telling that your search for advice is for spousal support and alimony not child support, child(ren) issues, save my marriage, as you indicated you wish to take him back. also your biting response to hanz and your over emphasis on husband being a bum isnt really in line with your church lady request for people to pray for him. i think you need the prayers. i know that sounds bad. just going by what i read in this thread.
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Sherron
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/25/06
Posts: 20056
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"if hes not someone you know or are married to presently, he is out of line."
Feel free to click on hanzblinx's user name, click "show all user's posts" and read up. The names of the people he replies to change, his "message" is the same to pretty much all the women he replies to.
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8kidsandshocked
recently joined
Reged: 10/01/11
Posts: 13
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Don't know him. And there's nothing un-christian about response. If someone's pain, bitterness and self-centeredness is because of something I did, I could see your problem with my response. But being a Christian isnt about being a doormat. Instead of setting an example of quietly taking bullying and public abuse for no reason, I spoke up. God chose Jesus to take the public beating !nd humiliation, and gave us a lot of examples of how to treat others so that the rest of us don't have to. If you don't approve of my words to hanz, I'm sorry. But perhaps a mod ought to cancel his account, as he treats every woman as though they have all wronged their husbands in the same way he feels he was wronged, and not only is that unfair, it is arrogant, deliberately hostile, and inappropriate in any social setting. And it seems to be his entire purpose for using these boards. I don't believe I'm out of line as a Christian or not, to refuse to quietly accept his bullying of me or anyone else.
As for my post here, the rent/housing expenses are all I'm asking about. The child support is a no-brainer. I know I wont get alimony because here is no money left if he pays the rent. (I'm actually not trying to find a way to get a free ride while someone else does all the work, as I've been accused by hanz. I have 7 kids I feed, nurture, love, care for and educate all day, and often, all night. He is plain out of line.) The visitation isn't in question--he has agreed to see the kids once a week at church and no more. I'm in touch with our pastor ever day and so is he, so we don't need online help to save the marriage. So i posted on the board that seemed to cover the issues that apply.
And I can only present the reality of my situation as I see it. If it looks like I'm over-emphasizing his bad behavior, I'm just sharing my perspective on it, which is all I have. I haven't called him a bum, that was your word. I called him selfish, which is the definition of what he has done: put himself and his feelings before others. If you are disappointed that I don't have more evidence that I deserved any of this, I'm sorry, but I don't.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3154
Loc: SC
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You going by just what you read in this thread is limiting your perspective. As suggested by Sherron, read up on hanz. I think you'll find it enlightening how Christian HIS behavior is, and how generous he is with his helpful responses.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6458
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" I do mean NO firms are hiring that applicant. I don't meet the criteria for "new associate" positions. Period."
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While you've been homeschooling the kids, did you forget how to form a sentence in the English language ?
You SAID, "no firms are hiring" NOT "no firms are hiring THAT applicant."
Period.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6458
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[quote]I just don't know how I was supposed to assume I would maybe someday be in this position. My ENTIRE life HAS been tied to their raising in EVERY way for 15 years. I would NEVER have had 8 kids by a sperm donor or as a single mom, and I would never up and leave a marriage and try to do it on my own at their pain and expense. My choices were not based on possible worst case scenarios, but on promises made by a man who swore for better or worse, til death. These kids were promised a dad, not a rock star. Why should his broken promises and selfishness not force HIM have to do the extra work? It's senseless for me to go out to work to make just enough to pay for daycare for 3 kids (and once I'm working, even for min wage, we won't qualify for most benefits, when the 21 year old's and my income is factored in). Why should I be the one working from 7pm to 5am, get up at 7am with the kids and put in a 12 hour day being a mom, while he gets to sleep all day? And no, he isn't the kind of dad I can leave here with them while I work. Last time he talked to the 8 year old on the phone he told her that the reason he can't come home is because I hit him all the time. And he won't feed them--says it's not his job to cook. He has just lost his mind. That's all I can imagine. And I just need to find a way to keep my kids from losing their mom to a job after thy have lost their dad to a stupid guitar. And maybe, just maybe, he will wake up before they give up on him. [/quote]
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If your husband were here I would tell him to work with you to figure out a plan to take care of the family. He's not.
Instead of CONTINUING to bemoan the fact that he is NOT being much of a father right now, why not look at what you can change/fix ? YOU are not being much of a mother right now.
Kids don't "lose their mom to a job." Kids lose SOME of the time their mother would spend with them if she wasn't working to see that a responsible parent does WHATEVER it takes to keep a family solvent financially. We all KNOW that if you felt that strongly that a mom should spend EVERY second with her child, you wouldn't have had the time to be having sex with your husband or wouldn't have chosen to have more kids, thus decreasing the time that you could spend one on one with each one individually. If you are now going to attempt to defend those choices by saying that was all part of teaching those kids about the values you think are important in a family, you need to consider that teaching kids that having a job to support a family is a good value. You weren't going to teach them to wait for the money fairy to deliver a check, were you ?
If your local fire codes REQUIRE 7 bedrooms for 9 people, how were you all living in a 4 bedroom house ? That would be illegal ! It also would make NO sense.....unless those 9 people included 2 married couples (1 bedroom for couple #1, 1 bedroom for couple #2 and the last 5 bedrooms for the 5 kids).....someone would be sharing rooms in that scenario. I'd LOVE to hear what town made that rule !
Dumb fire codes would also be......all the more reason to move to an another area !
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